Gaston Facts

[Philo & Gunge]

I'm surprised no one came up with this before me but here we go!

Gaston can sit in the corner of a circular room.

Gaston is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Gaston counted to infinity - twice.

Gaston can slam a revolving door.

Gaston can speak braille letters.

Rocky Balboa was a lucky man because Gaston didn't pursue a boxing career.

Noah was the only man notified before Gaston relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

The only reason Belle didn't want to marry Gaston was because she is a black belt in karate, Gaston is a brown belt. She was saving him from humiliation and because she knew Gaston would try to kick her ass and fail miserably to prove his worth.

Gaston went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and actually got what he ordered.

Feel free to post your own facts about this epic character.

[TheValentineBros]

Gaston didn't pay money in Carl's Jr. to get his Chicken Tenders.

Gaston told Belle that eggs are good.

Predator is a better hunter because he didn't allow Gaston to hunt more people and eat the people.

Gaston once battled Scott Pilgrim, but Scott Pilgrim won.

[Philo & Gunge]

Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort. Gaston needs 4 seconds.

When Gaston goes to bed he doesn't count sheep, he EATS them...

[TheValentineBros]

Gaston grows apples.

Batman has the ability to fight with the Joker, but Gaston can kill the Joker in 5 seconds.

[Disney Duster]

The only reason Belle didn't want to marry Gaston was because she is a black belt in karate, Gaston is a brown belt. She was saving him from humiliation and because she knew Gaston would try to kick her ass and fail miserably to prove his worth.

Gaston went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and actually got what he ordered.

Wait, so...if these are facts about how awesome Gaston is, why would one fact say Belle was better than him?

And how does the Taco Bell one not make sense? They have drive-thrus and people get what they want all the time.

Gaston told Belle that eggs are good.

Gaston once battled Scott Pilgrim, but Scott Pilgrim won.

But eggs can be good. And why, if these facts are about how awesome Gaston is, would a fact say Scott Pilgrim beat him?

[kenai3000]

Gaston can kill Freeza in 1 hit.

Gaston can get any woman he wants.

[Lazario]

The reason his hair is so long is because it's too scared of his head to stay inside.

The reason he didn't sing professionally is that mirrors don't have voices.

The reason he eats so many eggs is actually the same sort of reason an alcoholic might have a drink in the morning to ease a hangover.

He never owned a pet because he shoots at everything that moves and doesn't compliment him.

People think he's handsome. But in reality, he looks like a giant rat.

In school, he got terrible grades. Because he shot all the teachers.

He's the reason Al Capone's vault was empty (he's a notorious thief and a petty pickpocket).

People think he's so suave. In reality, he has one of the world's worst cases of B.O.

The only women who have ever returned his advances were all transexual prostitutes.

He has no sense of pride whatsoever. He frequently steals from babies and old women with walkers.

He doesn't legally own a single gun... He stole them all.

People think he had so many friends. In reality, he paid them all to hang around him. And most of them were drug addicts and hobos anyway.

He was a notorious nomad. In reality, he didn't want to marry Belle for the children. He actually thought she had a sports car. Which he planned to steal.

People think he was such a good hunter. In reality, he had to bribe the birds to fall out of the sky when someone else would pass by. Overcompensation.

The only thing he was ever able to legitimately shoot (without assistance) was a parked car.

He's colorblind... I mean; just look at his outfits.

People think he died when he fell off of Beast's castle. In reality, he was so tired of being picked on by first-graders that he planned to kill all the children by giving them poisoned candy. Then he woke up the next day, ate a gummy bear, and was never heard from again... Because dead people can't speak.

[Philo & Gunge]

The only reason Belle didn't want to marry Gaston was because she is a black belt in karate, Gaston is a brown belt. She was saving him from humiliation and because she knew Gaston would try to kick her ass and fail miserably to prove his worth.

Gaston went through a Taco Bell drive-thru and actually got what he ordered.

Wait, so...if these are facts about how awesome Gaston is, why would one fact say Belle was better than him?

And how does the Taco Bell one not make sense? They have drive-thrus and people get what they want all the time.

Well, if sexist media has taught us anything, we all know there's nothing worse than failing at trying to beat up a woman. Belle cared enough not to take away from Gaston's awesomeness. Besides, a fact like "Belle doesn't sleep, she waits." doesn't have the same comedic effect as Gaston.

But anyway...

DC Comics was wrong when they said kryptonite was the only thing able to destroy Superman, they forgot about Gaston. But I think they just took that for granted and didn't feel the need to remind comic readers of such an obvious fact.

When Superman turns back time by flying around the earth backwards, everyone questions how that makes sense. When Gaston turns back time by flying around the earth backwards, it makes perfect sense.

For Halloween, Gaston dressed up as Mr. Freeze. He spent the whole night making ice puns, everyone including Batman himself thought they were hilarious.

Gaston used inception on Christopher Nolan - to plant the idea for Inception.

If Gaston went to Jersey Shore, they would for the first and only time have a legitimate "Situation".

[Disney Duster]

Oh, so Belle didn't want to due karate with him, because he would lose at karate, but she was scared that then he would beat her up if he was so humilated? Yet you said he would fail at beating her up, too.

So I still don't get it.

[avonleastories95]

Gaston fought the law, but the law won!

[Lazario]

Well, if sexist media has taught us anything, we all know there's nothing worse than failing at trying to beat up a woman.

Not sure I got that one...

Are you saying the media is sexist toward women?
(Or men?)

[Disney Duster]

Gaston fought the law, but the law won!

I thought these facts were supposed to make Gaston seem the most powerful, strong thing ever? Like he wouldn't fail at anything...

[Semaj]

Gaston keeps his cereal crunchy even in milk.

Gaston killed a bear when he was still in his mother's womb.

Gaston can pop a balloon using only his mind.

Gaston beat Popeye in a spinach-eating contest.

Gaston isn't killed by bullets; bullets are killed by Gaston.

[Lazario]

Once Gaston was caught in a bear trap and had to chew through his own leg to free himself. But he was still hungry, so he bit one of his hands off as well.

On Halloween, he always goes dressed as the lead singer of Dead or Alive.

As a child, all of his friends were ghosts. And when I say friends- they were just using him to see if they could possess the living.

He doesn't listen to music. And his idea of dancing is to fart. So, as you can tell, he's quite gallant.

Gaston's so tough, he beat up Fabio and Oprah on the same day.

He won't buy anything without putting some part of it in his mouth first. After that, it becomes a collector's item.

He bathes in a tub full of barbecue sauce.

As a child, his toys were all made out of vinyl and latex. He has issues as a result.

This is what Gaston's mother looks like.

Every time a bell rings, Gaston kicks a puppy.

He once had his own phone service. He danced around in a pretty pink tutu while a woman did all the work.

On the day Gaston was born, his father became a satanist.

Gaston invented the RickRoll. Yeah, he's that clever.

To get his hair so shiny... Well... You don't want to know what he has Lefou do over his head.

This is all true. And if you don't believe me, Gaston will shoot you. Hell, if you do believe me he'll shoot you!

[TheValentineBros]

Gaston runs a company known as Viacom.

Gaston is actually Santa Claus.

Gaston is also Eduard Khill, who did the Trololo.

[Lazario]

Gaston is actually the author of the famous book, Moby Dick, which he wrote after seeing The Little Mermaid. And yes, the title is an entendre.

He laughed hysterically all throughout Schindler's list.

He thinks a Disney is a form of foreign currency.

He thinks breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but never eats it.

He does not play well with others... unless their drinks have been spiked.

He climbed to the top of the Empire State Building and stepped on Fay Wray.

He thinks Christmas is the time of year when ponies leave pre-chewed gum underneath your pillow.

He puts on showtunes when he's in the mood to "get it on."

He used to be considered French royalty. Until his father became a Satanist.

He was the inspiration for both the Patrick Batemen and Paul Allen characters in American Psycho.

He can fly... when someone throws him.

You probably think he's 26-years old, or thereabouts. In reality, he was 53 at the time Beauty and the Beast was filmed.

He gets more hairballs than the Beast. Obviously.

He is a former child of-the-Corn. And still has a scar on his arm from when he was a member.

He brushes his teeth with a toilet scrubber and a jarful of bacon grease.

He beat out Cameron Diaz and Ashley Judd to become a figure model for the Green M&M.

When everyone gets drunk at the office party, he makes them photo-copy their hair.

Gas-ton, Gas-ton. Brom Bones hates Gas-ton. They have a fight. Brom Bones wins. Gas-ton.

He paints his nails. I've seen it.

[Disneyphile]

20 years ago, Gaston gave a man a "noogie." Today, that man is still in a coma.

[Lazario]

People think he was so buff. In reality, he was nearly a hundred pounds heavier than James Gandolfini.

People think he was so physically strong but in reality, the only thing he ever lifted was a cardboard box. Which he did just to get the twinkies inside.

When his mother was alive, he used to make her wait on him day and night. And she had a terrible limp too.

He was a Republican (hence why he was a villain).

He invented the concept of TMZ in the 90's on the day Princess Diana was killed.

His father was the inspiration for the Robert Thorn character in The Omen. Which, naturally makes Gaston: Damien. Only, sadly, Gaston wasn't adopted.

When he was 12, he pushed his grandmother down a flight of stairs. Just because she asked him to do the dishes.

He was the technical advisor on the 2004 film, The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things.

He and his mother lived for over a decade in a shack made out of old boots which were held together by dried dinosaur snot.

He was caught once dressing up in his mother's old lingerie and wearing lipstick. By military recruiters!

Gaston was so lazy that he never heated up his meals. He just opened the can and went to town.

People think he was impervious to natural laws. In reality, he lost all his teeth because he used them as can, letter, and bottle openers but couldn't afford to go to the dentist because he squandered all his mother's street-corner money on lottery tickets.

He proudly tells everyone that he was the inspiration for the songs "No Scrubs" by TLC and "Bills, Bills, Bills" by Destiny's Child (even though that's ridiculous: he doesn't have any friends and his mother never had a phone).

After getting in a drunken argument with exercise guru Tony Horton, they dared each other to get cosmetic surgery. Guess which one chickened out.

[Disneyphile]

Eric Clapton may have stolen the credit for it, but Gaston really did shoot the sheriff.

[avonleastories95]

Gaston was the only person who survived Hiroshima.

Gaston is smarter than you think, he is Magma Cum Laude!

Gaston will rape Facebook if you do not press the "Like" button!

Gaston lives in a pineapple under the sea and is actually a frycook.

Gaston hates it when his peeps are "Gettin in the Way."

Gaston thinks they should "put down before they get smacked down."

Gaston is 300 times funnier than the previous post.

Gaston was voted "Most Likely to be a Cop" but of course, they was wrong.