</center><i>Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2nd Annual UltimateDisney.com Movie [And Media] Awards. All the stars of Hollywood, TV Land, and UltimateDisney.com are gathered on the red carpet and in the hallowed seats of Off-Topic Hall to reward the best in quality entertainment from the year 2005. Now, please make welcome your host, Aaron Wallace.</i>
Aaron: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 2nd Annual UltimateDisney.com Movie Awards, where this year, we add other Media to the fray. Jack did a wonderful job with the show last year, and I'm honored to fill that role tonight.
It was a dark year at the box office, as capes, cloaks, and a man in black ruled the roost. There was War between Worlds, Sin in the City, Revenge by the Sith, and backs were broken atop mountains, amongst a host of other Hazzards. Indeed, Hollywood looked like one big collision course, as some crashed weddings and others <i>crash</i>ed critics' predictions. Things were looking pretty Grimm.
Fortunately, the doom and gloom didn't get in the way of progress: Herbie finally earned his Racing Stripes. Reese Witherspoon walked the line while Adam Sandler walked the longest yard. Even penguins marched, while Chicken Little had a Flightplan. There were creatures all around, in fact: squid, whales, lions, were-rabbits, sharkboys, boogeymen, and a monster-in-law.
There was plenty of fun to be had, of course, thanks to Dick and Jane, and plenty of matrimony. Mr. & Mrs. Smith went on a Wedding Date while Johnny Depp got Hitched to a Corpse Bride and The Mask had a Son. A 40-Year-Old learned to Be Cool and Batman finally began. Of course, King Kong's performance wasn't as Fully Loaded as Peter Jackson had expected, but Steve Martin was around to prove that remakes and sequels really do come cheaper by the dozen.
Along the way, things really got Derailed. Constantine hoodwinked Madagascar and the Sahara while Robots inherited the Kingdom of Heaven. A Cinderella Man Bewitched Four Fantastic Brothers with his Family Stone while a Constant Gardner with a History of Violence learned to Get Rich or Die Tryin', taking a fashionable Sisterhood as a Hostage to a Beauty Shop on an Island surrounded by Dark Water. Talk about your Bad News Bears! And to think it was all Because of Winn-Dixie.
I Saw II movies starring Liam Neeson and even more that prominently featured music, but too much Potter had left movie-goers Sky High and Rent's Producers in tears. Turns out only Willy Wonka had the golden ticket in that department.
I know that's a lot to run through in a short span of time, and I've probably left you Red-Eyed and in a Fever Pitch, wondering "Are We There Yet?" Almost. If you're feeling lost, we have on hand an Interpreter and a Guide to the Galaxy to assist you and a Pacifier for the particularly obstinate. It's all even been Chronicled in a Geisha's memoirs and a Mad Black Woman's diary.
But we can't forget what went on in the world of television. Malcolm was still Lost in the Middle and it might have looked like nothing had changed in TV Land, but ABC was no longer Desperate for hit; they had 3, and when it came to Wishes, so did NBC. Fortunately, they didn't go so far as to hand an Extreme Anatomy Makeover to an Apprentice, or else Grey might be in Jeopardy. A Family Guy did Scrub his way back on the schedule, but who Everwood'a thought that the OC would fall in ratings and One Tree Hill fall prey to an Idol? Simon Cowell showed his contestants some (Will &) Grace this year, but Martha Stewart and Matt LeBlanc didn't fare nearly as well. To be sure, TV had its fair share of misfires, but we here at UD know it's a Suite Life and a Smallville after all.
Good Night, and Good Luck.
-Aaron
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