The Universe has stomped on me thread. Rant or clear the air

[blackcauldron85]

C_R, talking with someone can definitely help to free your mind, so I really hope it brings you relief!! Sometimes you have to try different counselors until you find one who you're comfortable with, though. But good luck!!!!!

I am depressed and so unmotivated. I have 2 midterms and a paper to do and I just can't find the will to do any of it. Partly because my computer or printer won't let me print, partly because um, PMS, and partly because I just get depressed.

Sometimes I get sad about my life. Sometimes I get sad that I'm not with Bobby anymore (my ex-husband, for those who don't know), even though I know that it wasn't working and it wouldn't work (regardless of any other issues we had, his religion kick would make it impossible for us to be compatible). I was looking for a picture on my Photobucket accounts, and there were plenty of pictures of us at WDW and DL, and it was sad, and then of course Harry and Sally (we had 3 dogs- I got Oliver, he got H&S). And I mean, maybe it's because I get bad PMS, but I feel that my bf gets needy (and I mean, I tell him that), which is frustrating. I don't need to be in a relationship.

But when I think that way, it's like, I'm almost 30 (haha, I'm not even 27 quite yet, but I feel older than I am), and it's like...and granted, I suck at relationships, they never last...when I get older, I'll just be alone and never have my own family or whatever.

[Rose Dome]

Don't feel down about your work, cauldron. Think how fulfilling it will be to get it done.

As for your love life, I am 99.95% sure you don't suck at relationships. You just need to fond someone who's right for you.

I hope you start to feel better.

P.S: PMS isn't what it's seen as. Google "PMS, Social Construct" and you'll find heaps on this.

[blackcauldron85]

Thanks, DG!

Back in December when I started getting depressed around that time of month, I looked into it and found Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), so I mean, at least it's a real thing.

I found an article on the Social Construct of PMS, and while I agree that it's not a disease or syndrome, and I like how the author said that it's not in women's heads, I guess I would have to look more into it. But I never used to get it bad until December, and I mean, it could be other psychological things, because I get sad at other times of the month, so maybe hormones make things that would happen anyway seem bigger...?

[Elladorine]

PixarFan- Yikes! I hope the test results lead to a proper treatment and that you'll feel better soon if you don't already.

Chernabog- Wish I had some sort of advice for you beyond hanging in there. I know how stress can affect people physically and emotionally. I hope you're able to ease your levels soon and feel better all over.

Amy- Just so you know, hormones really screw with my emotions, so I understand where you're coming from. It's likely that your cycle meddles with your existing emotions, making them all the more intense. Changes can be difficult to handle, whether positive or negative, and you've gone through a heck of major ones in the past year or so. I think it's natural to feel depressed in your situation, so at the very least, don't feel bad or guilty about letting yourself feel and experience your emotions. Make time to cry if you need to, and also make time to laugh and smile. And be sure to give yourself some credit for making it to where you are in one piece, not everyone would be able to handle what you've had to go through.

* * *

I've been so restless these past few days. In some ways it's a good thing, and I imagine a lot of it has to do with taking better care of myself again. I haven't had a lick of energy since August or so due to all the stress and a string of crazy, unforeseeable events, but for the past week I haven't been able to figure out what to do with myself. I imagine part of it also has to do with having so much on my mind. So here I sit at five in the morning without a wink of sleep.

I called up one of my aunts from my dad's side the other day to catch up on things; she'd heard from my cousin that I'd lost the baby and we talked about how it's been such a tough year for all of us. We've lost two uncles and three cousins (two of which were younger than me), and when we talked about the baby she told me about more family members that went through miscarriages in the past. And knowing such things now . . . well, it makes me feel really lucky to be alive, especially after realizing that my mom had preeclempsia when she was pregnant with me. More than ever, I've realized that life is precious and not to be taken for granted. And I think it's done strange things to my head.

All this makes me miss my parents more than ever, but I know the pain will eventually lessen, just as it always does; it's just that we just lost them way too soon. There's so much I wish I could talk to them about, from small things like a favorite song and wanting to watch a movie together, to the bigger things like the joy of getting married and the heartbreak of losing the baby. It's all just . . . beyond my grasp. Mom's been gone for several years now; half my entire life, actually. And although Dad passed away several years ago I was at least an adult by then and it often feels like yesterday. I guess it's normal to wish that they could see where I am now, to hope that they'd be proud of me. So many times I think about how wonderful it would be to just give them a call and simply ask how they're doing, to hear their voices, their laughter. I won't claim we had a perfect relationship but I know they looked out for me and that we all loved each other.

I also miss Koji. He was the first real pet I'd adopted after I moved out on my own, and if he was still here there's no doubt he'd be nuzzled next to me right now, purring away. I know he was just a cat but he gave me a reason to keep going when everything in my life was falling apart. Hell, even when my brother wasn't there for me, at least my cat was. Heh, such scary times that thankfully feel like little more than a distant nightmare these days.

It's felt so good to patch things up with my brother, but doing so has brought a lot of buried anger, resentment, and outright pain to the surface. I spent so long repressing my feelings over the situation that I easily get overwhelmed by what's happening in his life right now. I just feel so completely helpless at times, still so stressed that I got put in the middle of the legal issue and resentful that it wasn't taken care of before things got so complicated. I think I've been handing it well so far, but I sorta broke down after looking over yet another overwhelming document the other night. It isn't fair that my brother's ex turned out to be such a heartless bitch that, among other things, drove my brother and I apart all those years ago; it was probably when we needed each other the most. All we can do from this point is seek forgiveness and compassion, try to figure things out, and keep moving forward.

Regardless of making it a point to be thankful for all I do have in my life, I go through plenty of moments when I feel completely overwhelmed with such a sense of loss. I imagine I'll feel better once I get some sleep, but for the moment I can't stop thinking about how much has changed in my life, and for the past several months I keep wishing that things could just slow down. And curiously enough, now that they have I find myself anxiously pacing around in anticipation of another crisis.

Not that bad things ever stop happening, as I don't think we're allowed to become complacent. But it would be so nice to have a break right now. Just a little escape off to another city, some kind of little vacation to get away. But as usual, it's not a good time.

Maybe things will perk up by summer.

[blackcauldron85]

More than ever, I've realized that life is precious and not to be taken for granted.

I think that that's something wonderful to take away from all that you've been through. Even though so many crazy things happen, it's nice to just take a moment to be grateful for the goodness in your life.

for the moment I can't stop thinking about how much has changed in my life, and for the past several months I keep wishing that things could just slow down. And curiously enough, now that they have I find myself anxiously pacing around in anticipation of another crisis.

I think that this will have its ebbs and flows. I think that at some point you may be more comfortable with certain areas, and be more relaxed about them, and yet at other times, those same people/situations/ideas will once again cause you to be anxious and uncomfortable. I think accepting that this is how it might be can be soothing somewhat, but it might take a while to get to that point.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. You seem like such a strong person. You've been through a lot and are going through some tough stuff that I can't even imagine. And yet you haven't lost all hope. I'm proud of you for that.

Make time to cry if you need to, and also make time to laugh and smile.

That's really good advice!

[Rose Dome]

Thanks, DG!

You're Welcome.

I would second enigmawing's advice about taking time to cry, but also taking time to laugh.


@enigmawing: I don't blame you for feeling glum. It's been tough for you recently.

While it must be a dreadful feeling to be waiting for the next hardship, you are a strong person who will be able to pull through.

I wish you all the best.

[Chernabog_Rocks]

Thank you, to everyone for the kind words.

Amy:

I agree with Disney Geek, I am quite sure that you don't suck at relationships. As well, I have to third the advice to taking time to cry and laugh. It's nice to take some time for yourself just to vent it all out.


PixarFan:

I hope you feel better soon, hopefully the recovery is a speedy one.


Enigmawing:

I know how you feel, dreading the next crisis to pop up. However, after all you've gone through this year alone I am quite sure that you are a very strong and capable woman. If a crisis did pop up, I know you'll be able to pick yourself up and work through it.

I hope that you and your brother keep moving forward and repair the pain that built up over the years, and could be something to look forward to as a good thing. The silver lining of the trouble surrounding the problems his ex has caused?

[slave2moonlight]

I appreciate everyone's input, even if I don't agree with some of it. Just wanna say that I've been offline for quite a while due to a temporary loss of internet access.

In regards to my being compared with Shallow Hal though, I have to say I think that's a pretty unfair judgement. Shallow Hal's problem was not that he was able to imagine an ideal, fantasy mate. Anyone who has been single for a long, long time is going to develop such an image in their head, and almost everyone else does too, for that matter, if they don't just single out a celebrity or something. Hal's problem is that he would compare every woman he dated or met to that ideal, and of course always found them lacking and would break up with them. Actually, his friend was worse about this than he was. In my case, I don't necessarily have one specific ideal, but a handful of varieties I fantasize about, ha, but the key is that I do not compare and reject women upon the basis of whether or not they are a match for my "fantasy ideal". That's what makes you a Shallow Hal or not. In fact, I have never rejected anyone, so you can imagine how I might take offense to this. Especially when I have been rejected myself so often for superficial reasons. And if this is just because I have pointed out that Kiki was a perfect fantasy come true for me, I have also pointed out that I didn't expect that, it just happened that she was.

I also find the old "you need to fix yourself before you think about love" kind of thing a bit of a cold, condescending, and even absurd, dismissive suggestion. There are no perfect people in this world with perfect lives, and I am far from among the worst, yet I see those in far worse situations than me have at least the comfort of companionship, so it's more than a little frustrating to get that sort of a comment. Sometimes, what we need in life to get back on our feet is the support and inspiration of love. E.W., I would think you would understand that more than most. I certainly don't think the answer for me is to stop seeking it until I reach some level of social worth/acceptance.

[pap64]

I feel odd asking for this, but this has making me worry greatly as of late, and what I can do right now is hope for the best. Please send us your thoughts, prayers, positive energy and good wishes as my father has been sick due to some respiratory issues. While he isn’t completely knocked out by it he has been feeling stuffed up, preventing him to properly receive oxygen, making him tired and have dizzy spells. We don’t know what it is exactly, if its some sort of cold or pneumonia, if its blood pressure/heart related, we don’t know for sure. But whatever it is it has been making me worry my head out. He can’t even take two or three steps and feel tired and in need of oxygen. So please keep him in your thoughts. I have faith that everything will work out in the end, but a little bit always helps.

Also, I went to the doctor to check myself as well, and not only do I need to drastically lose weight, I may be developing similar issues as my dad, and the worse is that I can’t buy any of the medicine so right now I don’t even know what to do with myself. I need a solution to this and it has been making me worry as well.

Thanks so much! I know we can do great things as it worked many times. Every little bit counts.

[Rose Dome]

My thoughts are with you and your Family, pap.

I must also commend you for your willingness to take care of yourself.

[blackcauldron85]

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad, Pap.

[Elladorine]

Thanks everyone!

Nathan- I've actually put off coming back into this thread because I've been dreading your reaction to my comments. Because see, the thing is that I care about you a lot; if I didn't I wouldn't have bothered to read your posts here in the first place, let alone respond to them. I've never forgotten a really nice comment you left on my myspace blog several years back; I was still a very difficult, transitional point in my life and it meant a lot. I've also always thought it was cool that you like movies such as Roger Rabbit so much and especially that you're an artist, and that you do seem like a genuine, caring person.

I'm so not trying to be condescending, dismissive, cold, hurtful, what have you, and I'm sorry if I've been blunt with my opinions or sound unsupportive. It's just that I've seen a lot more things in life than I've let on here with watching people struggle in relationships, and I don't want to see you set yourself up to get hurt. I totally understand wanting someone to love, I totally get it . . . but you don't need it to be a complete and happy person. Hell, I put up with an abusive relationship myself for years partially because I thought not being in a relationship at all somehow meant I was missing out on something in life. Because I spent years getting rejected and feeling worthless over it. Because I spent years just knowing I was always thrown into the friend zone because of my weight. Hell . . . you want to know what happened the very first time I was asked out? Absolutely nothing. Several years back a younger, more experienced friend felt sorry for me and set me up with her next door neighbor. Met him the one night and he told me he'd pick me up for dinner and a movie the next. And he promptly stood me up. When I called his house to find out what was going on, his mom answered and said that he was at work. My friend soon called, wondering if I had cancelled since the guy was still wandering around his yard and not taking me out as planned. I wasn't exactly a kid anymore at that point and found the whole situation utterly humiliating . . . to be stood up for my very first date ever . . . at my age?

But I digress, as that doesn't have a lot to do with your situation with Kiki. I just bring it up because I know the feeling of loneliness and rejection first-hand. You say you've never rejected anyone yet you've mentioned most of the girls in your area are "disgusting." And when I brought up the Shallow Hal thing, I was gritting my teeth and doing my best to not make the wrong type of comparison. Keep in mind that I'm an extremely sensitive person, and the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone else's feelings, especially a friend's. But that doesn't mean I won't call things as I see them. Yes, I do know you have a lot of "types," but I still feel you've invested so much into what you want that you may have trouble seeing any merit outside of that (I'm not only talking looks, but oodles of particular common interests). And I still wonder what kind of a friend she's being to you by spending all this time being indecisive. How long have you known her now? Well over a year, right? That's an awful long time for her to keep saying she doesn't know if she wants to date you exclusively or not.

I'm not sure if I've ever brought up one of my old friends here, but he was from Texas (and eventually moved to Florida because he hated it), a bit older than me, and we were both interested in Disney and Sailor Moon. We started out as penpals back in the mid/late 90's and still keep in touch to this day. Nice guy, great friend. And . . . he wanted to date me. Maybe it'll make me sound shallow to some, but I had a really hard time picturing a future with him. Nothing personal against him, but in the majority of the years I've known him (then and since) he's either been homeless (staying at shelters or sleeping outside) or sleeping on a friend's couch, making money through odd jobs, selling carved wood, or the occasional retail/restaurant job. There's more to having a relationship that works than attraction and common interests, there has to be something concrete and practical as well. I've already been through my struggling, I've already nearly been homeless myself, but it's something I had to overcome. We eventually met in person and had a great time, but I let him know that things wouldn't work between us instead of dragging a potential relationship on and on. Did I hurt his feelings? Probably. But it was a lot better than leading him on.

Regardless, I'm honestly sorry if I've angered you or hurt your feelings. I thought I'd spelled it out that I was not making any judgment calls, and that I wasn't calling you shallow in any way. I do hope things get better for you and that you figure things out. My words are obviously upsetting you so I'm going to back out of the conversation.

Pedro- Hope your dad gets better soon. And as for yourself, if you ever need any tips on losing weight and getting healthier, I've maintained that 100ish-pound loss for a few years now so feel free to come to me about any advice on how to get started with weight loss/nutrition.

[slave2moonlight]

*sigh* Well, it still seems you are calling me shallow and unsuitable for a relationship, only now adding needy and desperate as well. Why do people always say that stuff and then throw in that they are not making judgments?

Anyway, I keep trying to respond to this, but I always end up writing a book, mostly defending myself, because those judgments on me are sooo wrong and some of them I can already see are based on little statements I've made here and there taken out of context. It does always seem like people only ever read half of what you write or look for the worst in it. Anyways, I will cease discussing my issues here. I was looking more for some insight and advice into possibilities and solutions rather than judgments.

But, I will say that, in regards to the old "you don't need a relationship to make you whole or happy" cliche advice, I think that is more appropriate for people who can't go five minutes without being in a relationship. I have been single my whole life, and I have my happy times and my sad times. But, I know what a relationship would mean to me, and that doesn't mean I would put up with one I knew for sure was bad. However, Goliath is correct that we all crave to be with someone. It's within us. And it always sounds like more of a cop-out than ever when someone who is in a relationship uses that line on you, but that's usually where it comes from.

[Disney Duster]

I know a lot of you don't believe in God, and I respect that, but for the first time in what may be YEARS I feel like my faith has been rewarded. That's why I changed my banner to reflect a message of faith, because I had been waiting and working hard to make things happen and it finally seems like my prayers have been answered. I now keep praying to God that everything remains stable, and to give us strength should any harm come our way.

I don't know if you are doing this, but in case you are, I want to say you should not make your faith God and faith that God will reward you here on Earth one in the same. That you will be rewarded in the afterlife is a definate (for those who believe in God and an afterlife), but there are many faithful people who, it seems, had terrible lives. But you can keep praying and hoping God will make your life better in this life, too, as I certainly do because it's always a possibility.

But of course, I hope things stay good for you, and that things get better with your father, and I will pray you!

Amy, I read every thing you have said. Wow what a complex novel lol. I'm sorry about some of that truly sad stuff you went through, but I'm glad about the happy stuff for you and I'm glad that after all that, in the last chapter of that volume lol, you have a great guy in R2, even though he's one that maybe you're not sure of, and that you think of S sometimes. You know Amy, I think that you keep thinking of what ifs all the time (actually, you said you do, lol). I think its a problem. And I know I do it too. I think it's always been somewhat of a problem for me, and I actually increased it in my last years of high school because I wanted to smartly consider other possibilities or answers all the time. I now think it was actually dumb of me to do that, because it just makes it hard for hard to settle on something. And I mean settle in a good way, because I think you can actually have something "meant" for you to settle down with but still choose to think of an alternative no matter how great that thing is. I'm afraid that's what you keep doing, and that that's why you don't believe in soul mates either. You know, when you finally get married to someone and have no problems and feel it will last as long as you live, that's all a soul mate needs to be. The one for you because - why would you ever want to think there's someone else out there who could be the same or better for you? That would actually be really awful to think of while you have your husband. If you can't help it, I don't want to make you feel awful, but I think we can help it. How? Well, realizing its a problem is a first step, right?

Emigmawing, I read everything you have said, too. And personally I would have written on Facebook about that biotch who disowned her own kid, but it probably would cause more trouble like others said. I hope you get to fight that evil queen and win. Enjoy it, enjoy going to battle against that wicked stepmother! And I wouldn't keep thinking something bad is going to happen next. I guess you can't help it because a lot of bad has unfortunately, sadly happened to you, but look at the rest, you have Rey, and amazing art skills, and people who like you so much everywhere, even on UD! I am still in so much awe that you found such a great love, because it still sounds like a fairy tale. I even wonder if you got when you did Rey in part to help you through such bad times. And you have a really supportive family you have fun with, too. I think you should take a vacation soon, though, if you can. And maybe keep going with your art, take classes or become professional in it. Oh, and I think your parents do know about how you're doing in life...in heaven. I know they can't tell you that physically, and that's very sad, and maybe you don't believe in it anyway, though I hope you do, I'm just throwin' that out there.

Slave2moonlight, I am responding to the things you wrote that I really want to, but just in case you don't want to read any of that because you might not like it, I'll tell you the advice you said you did want to hear - I think that no matter what we tell you, you are going to go after Kiki just because she so matches your dream girl and you got a long with her so well and you believe her excuses. So go ahead and do that. Keep pursuing her until she says a definate yes or no or you move in with her and have either a great time or you realize you made a terrible, terrible mistake that hurts you very badly. Just think though...what are the worst things that could happen if you move in with her and she doesn't fall for you, or perhaps even she turns out to not be what you want and you fall out of love with her? If following her is worth the worst things you can think of, including what might happen to your own health and life, than go for it.

Admittedly I kind of summed up some of what Amy, Goliath amd enigmawing said about moving in with her.

Btw I so super agree with all Goliath's said (except I don't believe we're biologically wired). Anyway, here's what I wanted to say, like it or not. I bet you won't like the last two quote responses...but I want to help you...unfortunately with tough bluntness. Because I care. If you don't believe that, fine, but it's the truth, that's why I read all you said and bothered to write anything at all. Read it or not, here it is:

I think it's a bit presumptuous to say that she didn't feel anything in those special moments, too, because I don't think they would have gone the way they did if it was just me.

I am not saying she didn't feel anything. I'm saying she didn't feel the same way, the way that you want her too, the way that would really make her perfect, the way that would prevent her from being so wishy-washy and claiming she doesn't know if she wants to date you or not after how many months.

The thing that gets me about things like this is simply that so many women claim to not care about this. I wonder if BlackCauldron85 would agree with you on that. Anyway, no, I can tell you that pictures don't lie, and at one point I could hardly be called chubby at all, except that there were always enough outrageously thin people around where I grew up that you could be quite normal and still called chubby, which still gets to you psychologically.

I don't think you should change your weight. Unless you're willing to do anything to get your "dream girls" who may like you but shallowly reject you because of just your weight. Yes, unless they are who you want to be with.

Well, I'll say I think that depends on the source of those qualities you desire/are looking for. If they are just based on some stereotype, some idea you've been told of what makes the ideal man or woman, then true, you may be surprised by what you end up falling for if you allow yourself to (which most people don't, most people marry based on those other desires). But if you are a person who doesn't let their parents or the media, or peers, tell them what makes an ideal mate, and they really come up with their own, personal desires, they have a better chance of being happy, I believe, IF they find someone like that who feels the same about them. I don't believe they would fall for someone who has few or none of the qualities they find attractive if they are letting their heart tell them what they really want and not other people.

What? Are you trying to tell me that the only way to fall in love with someone is to have a lot of your dream qualities met in them? Come. On. There is no way that every single thing about a person will be what you desire. You know this to be true. So then it's surprising you don't also understand that it is very possible to fall in love with someone who doesn't have hardly any of the qualities you dreamed of or always thought you wanted. It happens all the time, as I can remember, and I think other people could back me up on this. Enigmawing can with her great marriage if you read further down...

No, I never meant that. I said it made more sense that if someone was right for you and you would have a good love, you'd most likely fall in love around the same time like in Disney movies. I didn't say it was a rule.

Well, I'm too lazy to go back that far, but I think you pretty well implied that it was always that way.

Well, um, I didn't mean to. If it looked that way, my bad.

You can fall in love with people just by spending more time with them or just by being around them which is not info happening in different amounts. How did cave people who couldn't talk fall in love?

You really think cave people fell "in love"? C'mon, Duster.

I predicted you would say essentially that. In Art History my professor talking about cave paintings said that "their brains were our brains". I am not talking about Neanderthals. I am talking about fully formed and developed humans that just didn't have a very developed, specific way of speaking yet to reveal all of their nuances and uniqueness about who they were to each other. They fell in love by very basic words and just being around each other.

This is something you need to think about more, especially in terms of cultures. Some people are raised to play the pro/con game and see it as more important than personal feelings, no matter how strong. Usually, the result is passing up someone you really love to be with someone who looks like a better match on paper, frequently because of things like financial security and stuff like that. Sure, they later lament over it and the love they shouldn't have rejected for security (or whatever else). Countless stories have been written and films made that include this sort of thing, because it happens all the time. Truth is, being the rejected on in that comparison is almost a better sign that you are loved, or the person in question wouldn't even be playing a pros and cons game. It makes sense, but you have to think about it.

So you'd be okay with Kiki loving you, it's just not nearly enough love to prevent her from dumping you because you failed her pros and cons game? You want that? Dude... She's not in a country with a family right now where people are forcing her to choose people that win at the pros and cons, she's doing it herself. Or maybe she isn't. I doubt she is playing that game. I actually think she's leading you on. And I don't see how an ex-boyfriend that got mad at her hanging with you would make her still not want to be romantic with you if she still honestly liked you and she broke up with him so he had no control over her. Her breaking up with him would make it more possible for her to be with you - yet instead when she broke up with him, she stayed just your friend. WTF.

Well, I just think it's a bit presumptuous and cliche when people tell you someone isn't everything you ever wanted when things don't work out (not attacking you, Disney Duster, it's something everyone does). It's sorta like that old "there are plenty more fish in the sea" line, or "you just have to be patient" or stuff like that. Not a far cry from people advising you not to date "out of your league" and all that, which I consider terrible advice. But, really, after 36 years, I have a pretty good idea of what I want. You don't even have to date to get a good idea. I mean, it's not like I have completely not interacted with people. It's exactly as I have said before, the ONLY thing about this girl that made her not perfect for me was that she was indecisive and eventually rejected me. It's not a case of me seeing a girl and obsessing over what it would be like to be with her, and then discovering I was wrong in thinking it would be wonderful and I would fall for her. I did, she just didn't fall for me. But, I think it's flawed in such a situation to try and tell the dumpee that she was not what you wanted. Bottom line, she was, I just wasn't what SHE wanted. It's quite simple, really.

No. That's what you are choosing to believe, because you tell yourself that's the truth. That someone who loves you cannot be better for you or more of a dream come true than a girl who seems to be your dream girl except for the fact that she doesn't date you, caress or touch you, she cancels on you, says "annoying things" over again like that she thought you didn't want to move in unless you were dating, and keeps hurting you. You are saying that that is more of a dream come true and the one for you than someone out there who would actually fall for and care for you in addition to doing things with you and talking with you like Kiki even though they may not look or act or dress as cute as you wish like she does.

Here it is, proof from someone who has a real dream come true relationship:

This may sound odd, but Rey and I don't actually have a lot in common, yet I think that's why he and I work so well together. I always assumed that my soul-mate (if you believe in that kind of thing) would definitely have to have x, y, and z for their interests and personality, and given that I had more in common on the surface with my ex than I do with Rey, I've kind of thrown that philosophy out the window. I can also say that it's better to be alone than wish you were, but I guess that's a different story altogether . . .

You see, she found the great love of her life and he didn't match the dreams or desires she thought she wanted. : )

[slave2moonlight]

I think that no matter what we tell you, you are going to go after Kiki just because she so matches your dream girl and you got a long with her so well and you believe her excuses.

I think what I resent about getting the sort of response above from so many people is that, because I dared to mention that, yes, Kiki just happened to have every quality I find attractive, including the more superficial ones, all of you repeatedly assume it's this superficial, "dreamgirl" image that keeps me interested in Kiki. No matter how much I repeat that it is just a pleasant "cherry on top" that she happens to be so much of a "dreamgirl" to me, it's like that is a dirty word. Once a guy uses that word about a girl (and there is usually quite a double standard here), it is immediately a superficial attraction he feels. This is why I don't care to talk about my personal life here any further. You can't avoid the judgments and can't reason anyone out of them. And I AM a bit surprised with how harshly so many of you are judging her too, without having met her. Anyone who has read closely the stuff written all this time should be able to see that there is a lot of gray area, and yes, she and I get along amazingly when we're together, better then I ever have with anyone, so I don't think there's anything wrong or even completely foolish in pursuing a girl under those circumstances when she continues to be willing to spend time with me.

So go ahead and do that. Keep pursuing her until she says a definate yes or no or you move in with her and have either a great time or you realize you made a terrible, terrible mistake that hurts you very badly. Just think though...what are the worst things that could happen if you move in with her and she doesn't fall for you, or perhaps even she turns out to not be what you want and you fall out of love with her? If following her is worth the worst things you can think of, including what might happen to your own health and life, than go for it.

I have never said or felt that moving in with her would be the best thing. She is my friend though, and if she is desperately in need of a roommate, I'm going to help her. That's all the moving in together situation has been about in terms of will I or won't I. I do love her and she also happens to be my best friend here. I don't think we're going to be moving in together, but I am not going to be there if she needs me. It could help our relationship to progress, and maybe it would do the opposite, and that would be very painful to me, but I still feel it is the right thing to do if she needs me.

I am not saying she didn't feel anything. I'm saying she didn't feel the same way, the way that you want her too, the way that would really make her perfect, the way that would prevent her from being so wishy-washy and claiming she doesn't know if she wants to date you or not after how many months.

Again, she wasn't wishy washy in the beginning. That all started up after she had a very bad experience with her ex getting violent with her because they were still roommates while she had started to see me. In the beginning, she was acting as giddy over me as I was over her. It all changed that night, and since then she has been on an, "I don't want a boyfriend," stance. This is where I get frustrated with people judging us so harshly again. You're all so sure of how she feels and how I feel, and you don't even know us in person. If I am unsure about how she feels, it is unlikely YOU know when you haven't even met her. Believe me, if things hadn't been amazing up until that one point, I would not still be in this. Yes, it's possible that, now that she's gotten to know me more, she has lost interest truly and has put me in the friend zone at best, but she has had bad times with guys in the past, and she has good reason for not trusting easily. And while I have been seeing her for almost a year (I've known her for longer, yes, but not "in person", the fact is that year was interrupted often by my having to spend months away caring for my ill and dying parents. So, we haven't been seeing each other for a full year, really, and when we ARE together, it is pretty amazing. And it also is still very possibly she wants to see if I can get or keep a job before getting involved with me. That is something I have never disagreed with enigmawing on.

What? Are you trying to tell me that the only way to fall in love with someone is to have a lot of your dream qualities met in them? Come. On. There is no way that every single thing about a person will be what you desire. You know this to be true. So then it's surprising you don't also understand that it is very possible to fall in love with someone who doesn't have hardly any of the qualities you dreamed of or always thought you wanted. It happens all the time, as I can remember, and I think other people could back me up on this. Enigmawing can with her great marriage if you read further down...

That's not exactly what I said, Disney Duster. What I was talking about there is that there are people who are out looking for an ideal mate based upon what they have been raised to believe is the "perfect man" or "perfect woman" rather than knowing what they need and want in their heart. I'm sorry, but you're all kidding yourselves if you think that you're going to be forever happy with someone who has none of the qualities you find attractive and provides none of the things you know you want in a relationship. What exactly are you trying to sell me here? "Come. On." I have seen how these nothing in common relationships are in the long run, and I don't want that kind of relationship where you patronize each other if you're spending time together at all. Sure, they can work if you don't want to spend a lot of time together, I guess. That is NOT what I want. Of course, the "dream" word is thrown in my face again. It's such a dirty word in reference to relationships. If you have the foresight to know what you find appealing, everything you think and say is superficial and it's the only way you judge people, blah, blah, blah... Look, you can fall in love with just about anyone, you can be happy for a while in the infatuation zone. It usually takes a few years to realize that having nothing in common is not good for a relationship. This is something I have seen in person a lot. It's sad. I've seen it ruin marriage after marriage. The marriages don't always end, but they are usually miserable at best. Of course, there is the exception to every rule, but I do not want a relationship like some of the "nothing in common" relationships I have seen.

It's really annoying though, that if I say something like that a relationship is going to have a better chance if you have a lot in common with a person, if you find them attractive, etc..., and then I get attacked with rebuttals like this: "There is no way that every single thing about a person will be what you desire. You know this to be true." Yes, I know that to be true, and I never said "EVERY SINGLE THING". And, I gotta be honest, Duster, when you argue with people, you usually do this sort of thing. My saying you should have things in common with someone should not translate in your brain to "every single thing about them must be what you desire," so why does it? And, as for falling in love with people who don't have ANY qualities they desire, that doesn't happen. Falling in love with people who don't have much in common with you or don't have very many qualities you find attractive, yeah, that can happen. Problem is, it doesn't end well. Sorry, but why do you really think there are so many divorces? People marrying people they have nothing in common with. I sincerely hope Enigmawing is the exception to the rule. Despite how I feel about what she seems to think of me, I have nothing but love and respect and admiration for her, but for me, a marriage can only be called "proof" of something after many years, and even then, it's not a question of whether or not the couple is still married. But, yeah, some people without much in common maybe can make it work. I just haven't seen that as the type of marriage I would be happy in.

Dude... She's not in a country with a family right now where people are forcing her to choose people that win at the pros and cons, she's doing it herself. Or maybe she isn't. I doubt she is playing that game. I actually think she's leading you on. And I don't see how an ex-boyfriend that got mad at her hanging with you would make her still not want to be romantic with you if she still honestly liked you and she broke up with him so he had no control over her. Her breaking up with him would make it more possible for her to be with you - yet instead when she broke up with him, she stayed just your friend. WTF.

Sadly, the pros and cons game is not something that doesn't happen with American girls, but as I said, Kiki was raised with a strong Asian cultural mindset, and that is bigger on the sensible pros and cons over the romantic ones. This can definitely be a factor. But, in regards to the ex situation, she is not dating him, but she still lives with him till her lease is up, and he still gets upset when we go out (and being that he is schizo, that's not good), and more importantly, you are underestimating the power of the affect every previous relationship has on future ones. Bad experiences with previous people really brings up the defenses, and she has had multiple bad experiences. I'm not saying the odds are she just isn't interested in me romantically, but if that's the case, it wasn't the case originally. Something changed. I can't say it any more clearly than that, until she had that bad night with the ex, she was very clearly interested in me as I was in her, and that's the reason I need to be sure about her.

No. That's what you are choosing to believe, because you tell yourself that's the truth. That someone who loves you cannot be better for you or more of a dream come true than a girl who seems to be your dream girl except for the fact that she doesn't date you, caress or touch you, she cancels on you, says "annoying things" over again like that she thought you didn't want to move in unless you were dating, and keeps hurting you. You are saying that that is more of a dream come true and the one for you than someone out there who would actually fall for and care for you in addition to doing things with you and talking with you like Kiki even though they may not look or act or dress as cute as you wish like she does.

Um, that's not what I said at all. I guess that's the problem with these discussions. So much extra is read into them because people will get hung up on something. Almost all the attacks I've been suffering in here all come down to my use of the word "dreamgirl" as a compliment to Kiki, and the fact that most of you HATE the idea that I believe you can have a good idea of what you want and need in a relationship. No matter what I say about my feelings for her NOT being all about the fact that she just happened to be exactly my physical type as well, no matter how much I stress that I had fallen for her before we met and before I even knew what she looked like, it all comes down to the fact that because I think she's gorgeous and love how she dresses, those simply MUST be the ONLY reasons I love her so much. Geez. This is hopeless.

Here it is, proof from someone who has a real dream come true relationship:

This may sound odd, but Rey and I don't actually have a lot in common, yet I think that's why he and I work so well together. I always assumed that my soul-mate (if you believe in that kind of thing) would definitely have to have x, y, and z for their interests and personality, and given that I had more in common on the surface with my ex than I do with Rey, I've kind of thrown that philosophy out the window. I can also say that it's better to be alone than wish you were, but I guess that's a different story altogether . . .

You see, she found the great love of her life and he didn't match the dreams or desires she thought she wanted. : )

A: Though I wish them the best, you can't cite a couple as proof until they have been married MUCH longer.

B: I have known E. long enough online and heard her talk about Rey enough that I know they have some things in common. WHICH things is the vital issue. Sorry, but I will never get off my soapbox that having things in common is a huge part of whether or not a relationship will last, but the key is WHICH things you have in common.

C. We don't know just what it was E. thought she needed in a significant other before she realized it wasn't true. One of my quotes we discussed earlier that you misunderstood, this is just what I was talking about. That most people don't know or have the wrong idea of what they want and need in a significant other. But, I DO believe we all can have a better idea of that with enough soul searching. To give an example on the "things in common" issue: I have lived my whole life with people who really don't give a squat for Disney cartoons. I have experienced both those who just hate them or think they're for babies, and those who pretend to like them to give you some company/support (this is something a lot of couples do when they don't have things in common; they think that is part of the give and take, but it is irritating and doesn't help). From my past experience, and considering what a big part of my life it is, I KNOW I couldn't and wouldn't be happy with someone who didn't at least enjoy watching Disney cartoons. This is something I know I need to have in common with a significant other. But, it's things like this that get people mad at me. I'm too specific in what I want. Really? Because I know a little about myself, about what is important to me? Because I know that one of the very reasons I want a mate is to have someone to share the things I love with (in a non patronizing way)? Because I am vocal about the things I find physically attractive, everyone just assumes I reject anyone who isn't just so. I've never rejected anyone. Because I believe you can know enough about yourself to know you want something like the example I just gave, I am attacked for having too many ideas that a girl has to match up to. I'm sorry, that is just absurd. If I was saying, "I wouldn't date a girl unless she was as obsessed with Disney as I was," okay, that's asking a lot. If I had a list of a ton of thinks she had to love as much as I do, yeah, sure. But that's not the case. Everyone is jumping the gun to attack me on this, but it's utterly ridiculous, because just because I have, for fun, said "the perfect girl would look like this and would LOVE all these things, and would do this and this and that for me," that doesn't mean I am only looking for that "perfect girl". But, got forbid I just happen to meet that girl and fall in love with her, and she decides not to get romantic with me. Obviously, I ONLY date that kind of girl and I only love her for the superficial reasons, blah, blah, blah. C'mon, people. Let's just move on to other people's problems here and leave mine behind, because I've had about all of this judgmental crap I can stand. And you can all be with people you have nothing in common with if you want. I have never said that is ALL you need. I have never said you need to have EVERYTHING in common. But there are certain things you do need to have in common, or you're just not going to spend much time together, and that's all I've ever been saying about having things in common. I know which things are important to ME, because I know what sort of things I want to enjoy doing and sharing with a significant other in the years to come. I don't want to be one of these couples where I am always in one room doing my thing while she is in another room doing her thing 90 percent of the time. I don't want to be at Disney World with someone who doesn't want to be there, and I don't want to be with someone who never goes anywhere with me because we simply don't like to do the same things.

[pap64]

So, my dad was just taken to the hospital. He didn't sleep at all last night due to all his coughing, and he was taken away on an ambulance to see if he can receive treatment.

I'm so worried and scared you guys. Seeing him being taken away in an ambulance just destroyed me, but I had to hold it all in so everyone could be strong. I'm alone right now so I don't know who else to talk to about it.

[pap64]

I've been reading up on what he may have, and it seems to be heart failure:
http://chinese-school.netfirms.com/hear ... stive.html

He has most of the symptoms described in the page, mainly dry coughs, fatigue and rising blood pressure. It seems that this is common, but I still feel worried, anxious and scared, and also very alone.

[slave2moonlight]

I'm sorry to hear this, pap. I recently lost my dad, so I know something of what you're feeling. I don't have many people in my life, so it was very hard. I hope your dad pulls through, it's never impossible. It will be hard for sure if he doesn't, but you can try to cherish his memory and be thankful he isn't suffering, if that happens. But, I know it is very hard. You're dealing with losing one of the only people you love and keeping it together for the sake of others, and at the same time, you are being asked to sign this and that by the doctors and whatever. And immediately, you have the preparations to make. It's pretty awful. At least they are working to treat him right now though, so all is not lost I hope.

[blackcauldron85]

Pap, I will be praying for your dad. I hope they can help him and that he'll feel better. *hug*

[Disney Duster]

Wow pap. I'm really sorry to hear all of that. Even that you're holding in your pain to help make others strong. But we're with you here. And I'm going to keep praying for you just as I did when I first read what's been happening to you last night. I'm praying for whatever the best is, that things get better however they do, for you, your dad and your family.

Slave2moonlight, I just gotta clarify some things you misunderstood about me, too. Yea, there's even more advise in their but it certainly can't be called judgemental since I've been careful this time.

I have never said or felt that moving in with her would be the best thing. She is my friend though, and if she is desperately in need of a roommate, I'm going to help her. That's all the moving in together situation has been about in terms of will I or won't I. I do love her and she also happens to be my best friend here. I don't think we're going to be moving in together, but I am not going to be there if she needs me. It could help our relationship to progress, and maybe it would do the opposite, and that would be very painful to me, but I still feel it is the right thing to do if she needs me.

Okay. Now I just want to ask, can you tell if she'd rather move in with you or a stranger she knows will just be a friend, perhaps even a girl? I am not saying you are blinded by love - I am just saying, just in case you might be, I dunno, make sure that you are not so blinded by love that you can't see who she really wants to room with. If you're annoyed at this, sorry, I'm just double-checking, because otherwise she wouldn't have considered advertising for a stranger in the first place, right?

Again, she wasn't wishy washy in the beginning.

What I meant by wish-washy was that she still never said she wanted to date you, while you said you wanted to date her. Even before her boyfriend had problems with you, she looked like she was interested, yes, but she also never gave you a definate answer like you did her. So you and her were not pthe same in those moments.

This is where I get frustrated with people judging us so harshly again. You're all so sure of how she feels and how I feel, and you don't even know us in person. If I am unsure about how she feels, it is unlikely YOU know when you haven't even met her.

The reason we're saying this is because you wrote about this to get some advice, in case we might be able to tell something about it you can't, perhaps, just in case, maybe because you're blinded by love and not seeing the situation like we possibly could. Maybe we're wrong, but this is why we've been offering our opinions in the first place. And some of us have been blunt and harsh in an effort to make it clear and try to wake you up out of what might be blindness or delusion. To alert you. And if we did it wrong, we're sorry, but we can't know what exactly you need, we're just doing what we think we should.

It's really annoying though, that if I say something like that a relationship is going to have a better chance if you have a lot in common with a person, if you find them attractive, etc..., and then I get attacked with rebuttals like this: "There is no way that every single thing about a person will be what you desire. You know this to be true." Yes, I know that to be true, and I never said "EVERY SINGLE THING". And, I gotta be honest, Duster, when you argue with people, you usually do this sort of thing. My saying you should have things in common with someone should not translate in your brain to "every single thing about them must be what you desire," so why does it?

Well, you're exaggerating, too, because I was only saying that to get you to think about how since you can't find all the things you have always desired in a person, it is possible that you could fall in love with someone who hardly has any of those qualities at all. That was all I meant with that one.

as I said, Kiki was raised with a strong Asian cultural mindset, and that is bigger on the sensible pros and cons over the romantic ones. This can definitely be a factor.

Yes, but what I was saying was that she still is doing it without the pressure of actually living in that culture. If you don't think that that, or her own love, are enough to get over what her culture taught her, fine, though she sounds like her own girl making her own decisions here in America, maybe I'm wrong. But I would think if she cared that much about the cultural stuff, it would've stopped her from even going out with someone who didn't have a good job and place to live.

And if you're offering her to move into an apartment...and her excuse is that she thought you only wanted to do that if you were dating, wouldn't that mean she should want to date you now because you finally will have a place to live, according to her pros and cons game? So then why didn't she decide to go out with you then when she knew you would finally have a place to live? I'm not saying it's definate proof to leave, but it's something to really think about.

I'm not saying the odds are she just isn't interested in me romantically, but if that's the case, it wasn't the case originally. Something changed. I can't say it any more clearly than that, until she had that bad night with the ex, she was very clearly interested in me as I was in her, and that's the reason I need to be sure about her.

Once again, she was not so interested as to give you a "yes" to dating you, or a "yes" that she would date you as soon as she could. You knew you wanted to date her, she wasn't sure if she wanted to date you. It looks like you both weren't really the same in interest.

Almost all the attacks I've been suffering in here all come down to my use of the word "dreamgirl" as a compliment to Kiki, and the fact that most of you HATE the idea that I believe you can have a good idea of what you want and need in a relationship. No matter what I say about my feelings for her NOT being all about the fact that she just happened to be exactly my physical type as well, no matter how much I stress that I had fallen for her before we met and before I even knew what she looked like, it all comes down to the fact that because I think she's gorgeous and love how she dresses, those simply MUST be the ONLY reasons I love her so much. Geez. This is hopeless.

You are really exaggerating on this one. We don't hate the idea. What we are saying is that you holding onto the idea so tightly might not be healthy if it's causing you so much pain, and could cause a very bad situation for you, if you keep pursuing a girl you do love but are also extra pursuing because she fits your dreamgirl desires so much. And didn't you notice I did not say she was just your physical type, I also meant that she also acts and dresses how you want her to. I was going to mention interests, but people you love can sometimes get into your interests later because they love you and just suprisingly turn out to actually like what you like. At least enough to enjoy sharing and talking about it with you, because they LOVE you.

The reason I'm discussing the dreamgirl thing is because you also told me, from what I remember, that any girls after her would be lackluster in comparison and you wouldn't be quite happy with them? And I'm saying that's really, really unhealthy and you need to simply not think that. I know, how, how can you not think that? Well we're trying to help you, man. We're trying to say how bad she is for you, because honestly how she's acting would turn me off from truly loving her, the way it sounds, and for some reason its not doing so for you, and we are wondering if its because you care about her being your dreamgirl too much like you kind of suggested you do from certain things you said. She's your dreamgirl and you love her and she's the person you've most gotten along with and she's shy and had bad experiences. Yes. But we're telling you that it is still possible to leave someone like that and find someone better if they will not give you what is most important of all, love in return. Or just plain better treatment. And no I'm not being judgemental, I am saying if she's treating you bad, which at least to a lot of us it sounds like and we think you don't realize it, but maybe we're wrong, but we just have what you said to go on, we're telling you what we think, hoping it'll make things better.

And as for other couples being patronizing in sharing other people's interests with them they don't have themselves...I think that when you really love someone, even if you personally didn't have a certain interest the other does, you can genuinely get into it and enjoy it with the other person even if your partner's more personally interested in it. What you call patronizing may sometimes actually be loving. Love works wonders, that's all I'm saying. Once again, they might become interested in your interests enough to enjoy sharing and talking about it with you, because they LOVE you. If someone really loves you, they will try to enjoy Disney, and other things as much as possible. Quite possibly. It's just a thought. And you'll probably end up meeting some girl who has just enough interests the same as yours anyway, it just might not be as many as you want and it might not be Kiki.