The Universe has stomped on me thread. Rant or clear the air

[Rose Dome]

I'm sorry to hear about your lying former friend and your legal trouble enigmawing.

I wish you all the best.

So not all girls are superficial...just saying. There are so many different types of people out there, you'll have the love you want. Just be patient.

I second this slave2moonlight.

[Goliath]

[...] I think I don't say I like brunettes, sometimes just as much, because they are more plentiful and I don't want people to think I am THAT easy to "set up",

I always say I have no certain 'type' of girl I like, because I find it too limiting. I have preferences though, but they're not leading. I don't think anybody ever thought of me as a person who would "settle for anything" because of that. And even if they did, screw them!; who cares?

However, I have never said, "I also have a thing for Asian girls," very often, because of a few reasons. I'm not sure if it's politically correct, ha,

I don't know what's not PC about it. I mean, it's something positive and it's a compliment to a certain minority group. I like Asian girls as well. You should check out Natalie Tran on YouTube, you'd love her. Beautiful and also FUNNY! I've known very few women in my life who had a good sense of humor, but she's great that way. Too bad she doesn't post new videos anymore, but she has an archive with years worth of videos, so that'll give you something to do.

[slave2moonlight]

I always say I have no certain 'type' of girl I like, because I find it too limiting. I have preferences though, but they're not leading. I don't think anybody ever thought of me as a person who would "settle for anything" because of that. And even if they did, screw them!; who cares?

I probably could have explained myself better on this. Well, it goes back to this group of friends I hung out with nearly every weekend till I started trying to settle in Austin, a married couple my age (well, the girl was older, the guy was my age and one of my two best friends) and my best friend since high school whom I'd known since elementary. The couple was always trying to set up my best friend (other mutual friends would try to do this too), who was all thoroughly ripped and everything, really into weight lifting and all that, but they never tried to set me up, even though they knew I was extremely in need of some help in that area. This best friend of mine really didn't want a relationship, while I always had, and yet our friends only wanted to set him up. I eventually found out no one wanted to set me up because I was chubby, even when I was only slightly chubby. This is really a big issue where I'm from. It is not something the girls go for there at all, even the chubby girls. Anyways, it also made me think about the type of girls they would exclusively set me up with if they did set me up. And it wouldn't have been just chubby girls. Where I'm from, chubby girls are as well liked as any. It would have been girls that were completely repulsive and could barely speak English (that second one being a big turn off for me, but common where I was from). So, it was just safer for me to say I only liked natural redheads and blondes, because there were no natural redheads and blondes in that area, ha.

However, I have never said, "I also have a thing for Asian girls," very often, because of a few reasons. I'm not sure if it's politically correct, ha,

I don't know what's not PC about it. I mean, it's something positive and it's a compliment to a certain minority group. I like Asian girls as well. You should check out Natalie Tran on YouTube, you'd love her. Beautiful and also FUNNY! I've known very few women in my life who had a good sense of humor, but she's great that way. Too bad she doesn't post new videos anymore, but she has an archive with years worth of videos, so that'll give you something to do.

I guess it felt like it might not be PC because it's become, or it was for a while, just such a fetish for guys to like Asian girls. Like it was because they thought they would all be submissive or something. That's why I wasn't sure if I wanted to be too open about it. Another reason is because I am more particular about Asian girls. In other words, not to sound superficial, but you could probably say I'm not attracted to MOST Asian girls, but there is a certain type I am VERY attracted to. Being so specific I thought might be taken the wrong way, especially by Asian girls, ha. And, yeah, I looked up the girl you mentioned on YouTube, and she's very attractive and I wouldn't stand her up on a date, ha, but this is more the type I go for:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/ye0_7ogWawI" frameborder="0"></iframe>

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/gLTgyWlCBuM" frameborder="0"></iframe>

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TGbwL8kSpEk" frameborder="0"></iframe>

That could almost be Kiki in that first video, though with some of the style of the girl in the second video too (especially the hair). Actually, when I changed my avatar to this one of Bonnie from Kim Possible dressed as Lucy from The Peanuts, it struck me how much it looked like an outfit she would wear, ha, but with the pigtails of that second video I posted and the face of the girl in the first video. Basically added up to my vision of female perfection, and that was on top of her being exactly my type personality-wise too. Kind of amazing she went out with me as many times as she did. And, again, I had no idea she was going to look and dress like that when we were just talking online, and I was already in love with her before we even finally went out. It's very difficult to go from holding hands and semi cuddling (and one kiss, even if it was closed-mouth) with a girl who is everything you ever could have asked for to being single again and stuck with that memory. It's like when Buffy went to Heaven and was pulled back to Earth.

[PixarFan2006]

I had yet another seizure in the past week and I have been battling nasal allergies on top of that (sneezing nonstop). I am also waiting on getting help on looking for another job (which, hopefully will not take too long).

[Rose Dome]

Hang in there PixarFan.

[slave2moonlight]

Yes, good luck PixarFan.

I'm pretty freaked out myself. Tomorrow, I start my first day (very early, in fact) as a salesman at a major Austin Dodge dealership. I have no idea what I'm doing and they don't sound like they're big on training. I have always said I do not have a sales-suited personality, so I am just trying this because I'm desperate and it has the potential for very good pay (commission, of course). So... we'll see what happens this week, I guess.

The worst part is, the hours are LOOONG. 9 to 9, and I have to get up 2 and a half hours early right now since I live so far away. And we have to stay longer if we are still helping customers. But, my main concern at the moment is that I don't know a thing about this. I don't even know much about cars.

[Rose Dome]

Good luck with your sales job, slave2moonlight.

I know you're not feeling very confident, but think of it this way. You wouldn't have been given the position if it didn't seem as if you could learn the ropes pretty quickly. I know that's not much (I don't know you personally after all), but I wanted to give you some sort of encouragement.

[Disney Duster]

PixarFan I'm kinda worried about ya and I'll pray for ya and I hope you get the good stuff soon. That you get help with those things. My dad has allergies that were acting up the most around this time, but he's better now and hopefully you are or will be soon.

Well Amy not to take you away from your important work, but I would love to hear just what's happened to you since you left, you know? Any stories at all.

I don't know why you would still love her after what she did to you.

You can't help who you love or why you love. You can't decide to just turn it on or off. Time does heal, though.

I know you can't turn it on or off, but I do know you can help it in getting over someone.

Well Slave2moonlight I'm sorry your job is like that. I hope that you like it and do well in it, but I really am also going to hope you find a better one, too. I'll even pray for ya.

I have no idea how you feel about this girl right now, and once again I'm sorry about her, but here I go replying to what you said last.

Yea I bet half Asian and American girls are really pretty. But this girl, if she never got close to you, that should have put you off, and if she didn't lie, she still was disingenuous and leading you on.

You know, if even when you were just a little chubby you weren't getting set up but the other guy was, maybe you were still chubbier than you thought and maybe you should lose more weight than you thought. I am just suggesting, because I don't know you, you could be the cutest slightly chubby guy anyone ever did see. But if you want things to super change, you may have to make a super change yourself. Or not, I dunno.

I think, when you fall in love, that person becomes your dreamgirl or guy, if you feel it strong enough.

I definately agree.

But, they also usually have a lot of those qualities you wanted, or you just don't fall in love with them, naturally.

I might be wrong but for now I say I don't agree. I think you can fall in love with people who don't have the qualities you've always dreamed of and looked for. I think you can be rather surprised.

If you had moments that seemed just AMAZING, you can't forget how perfect those were

But the moments were not perfect, because she didn't feel the same way about you, she didn't feel the way you wanted her to feel. And she couldn't get close to you. She was not perfect.

No, wait a minute, ha, you were always saying that it HAD to be like that every time or it wasn't true love.

No, I never meant that. I said it made more sense that if someone was right for you and you would have a good love, you'd most likely fall in love around the same time like in Disney movies. I didn't say it was a rule.

You can fall in love with people just by spending more time with them or just by being around them which is not info happening in different amounts. How did cave people who couldn't talk fall in love?

And, like BlackCauldron85 says, she may have been playing a pros and cons game. So frustrating, because you aren't given a chance to defend yourself in that decision making process...

Amd what exactly is this game? If her decision was really based on if you had enough pros, I don't know if I'd call that love. If she decided to have you after she thought there were enough pros, I'd say it didn't really have anything to do with the pros at all, I'd say love itself made her decide. And if too many cons got in the way, well that's not very strong love and I doubt if there was really any love at all. If someone's playing pros and cons I don't know if they really like you enough. What do you think? Or Amy?

I hope I don't sound mean. I am trying to show you this girl...is not really everything you wanted, it's not the love you may have thought you had. I agree with Goliath a lot about what you should do.

[Goliath]

Had to think of slave2moonlight and that girl when I heard these lines:

Funny, how the things you have the hardest time parting with
Are the things you need the least

- Bob Dylan, "Lonesome Day Blues" ("Love And Theft", 2001)

[blackcauldron85]

PixarFan2006, the seizures sound really scary. I agree with Disney Geek, hang in there Definitely good luck with the job hunt!!! It can be stressful, but the economy has been getting better!

Yay on getting a job, Nathan! That's awesome! I'm sure you'll learn more about cars as you work there. They probably hired you because you seem friendly and like a hard worker!

Amd what exactly is this game? If her decision was really based on if you had enough pros, I don't know if I'd call that love. If she decided to have you after she thought there were enough pros, I'd say it didn't really have anything to do with the pros at all, I'd say love itself made her decide. And if too many cons got in the way, well that's not very strong love and I doubt if there was really any love at all. If someone's playing pros and cons I don't know if they really like you enough. What do you think? Or Amy?

Okay, the pros and cons game. You like someone, but there are things that don't feel right or don't seem right. Sometimes there might be something about the person that isn't ideal. Maybe the person does something or said something or thinks a certain way that rubs you ever so slightly the wrong way. So you play the pros and cons game in your mind. "I like him, but he said this, and I think that that's mean. But I always have so much fun with him and he opens the door for me. But he smokes. But he has good hygiene otherwise. He acts immature with his friends, but he treats me like a princess." Like that. So, obviously this girl likes things about Nathan, but maybe some things (like his living situation or lack of a job) were the cons in her mind.

Well Amy not to take you away from your important work, but I would love to hear just what's happened to you since you left, you know? Any stories at all.

Um, well, in November 2010, I moved out of the house I shared with Bobby, and our divorce was finalized in Feburary 2011. We're still friends, but we just grew apart, and I've since found out some things he did that kind of affirmed my decision, and also some of his life choices (he got really religious) just didn't jibe with mine anymore. I was working a job that I didn't like, and the management disrespected me, and I was looking for a better job...a customer and I were talking one day last spring, and long story short, his brother works at an organization in North Carolina that is up my alley, and I was trying to get a job there, but no luck. I was really unhappy at my job, and I was trying to get a better job, and I started looking in the North Carolina area. But no luck.

A guy I had been dating at that time (we'll call him S) got accepted at a school in North Carolina, and it was about 2 days later that the customer and I spoke, so it was coincidental. S moved in May last year, and he stayed with me when he came the next month to help his brother move.

I had never really made goals for myself, and I started doing that last year, even before I met S. One of my goals, which wasn't set in stone and I was thinking that it'd be far in the future, was to get my Master's degree.

Well, I was trying to get a job, and when that wasn't happening in that economy, I figured I would go back to school. And I had been looking for jobs in North Carolina already, because they have some good non-profit organizations (when I graduated from college in 2008, I couldn't find a job and did a lot of volunteer work and loved it, and then got a job at a non-profit organization), and because S had moved there, and the year before a couple friends had moved there, too.

I decided in June to go back to school, which was too late to apply to some schools for the fall semester, but the school I'm going to now had a July deadline. I had taken the GRE test (to get into grad school) and applied to this school and got in. In July I went to the Carolinas to settle school and housing stuff, and I stayed with S for a few days. I moved in August from Florida; I stayed with S for a couple weeks while my place was being readied; I had a week's worth of vacation from my job, and I left early...my place was supposed to be ready August 6th, and I moved on August 1st and stayed with S, but my place ended up not being ready until August 13th.

Everything was great at first. The night I got there was one of the best nights of my life- I was so happy. He and I were just watching TV like we used to, and cuddling. It was perfect. I just was so happy. It felt so right. But he had been going through some stuff, was just having a hard time, was depressed, drinking... Things had been going well, and then he started going out without me, drinking. I mean, he wasn't happy with things, with how he was acting. I was there to support him, but there was tension.

I moved into my place on August 13th, and not long after, he told me that he needed a break. Now, I've never been one to do breaks. I do break-ups. And breakups are usually nothing to me. I move on quickly. I bounce back. With him, it hurt. I mean, it's not like I had moved here just to be with him, but I wasn't expecting a breakup, you know? I had broken up with him once before, because he had told me before he moved to North Carolina, when he told me that he had been accepted to that school, that he doesn't do long-distance relationships. I had been really falling hard for him, and I didn't want to get hurt, so I had broken up with him. I immediately starting dating someone else, which wasn't nice of me at all, for either guy. But I did. I was expecting not to talk with S after that, but he continued contact with me, which was great, and I ended up cheating on the new guy with S. Now, I had never cheated on anyone before, but it was with S, so it was okay. I mean, it wasn't nice, no, but I was so happy with him. And things had been great with us and then he moved. It was a lot easier than I was expecting. And we talked pretty much every day on the phone. And then what I typed up above happened.

In hindsight, I should have been more patient and respectful of his situation. I didn't want to have it be all about me and ask how long the break would be or anything. I mean, I took it personally; looking back, I shouldn't have. He was having a rough time.

I mean, I knew I loved him. We never said it (well, there was this one time that he said it, but I knew he wasn't ready and I brought it up to him), but I loved him so much.

I get bored easily. I'm never single for long. Here I am, a girl in a new city, and I got on online dating and my goal wasn't to get a boyfriend, but just to meet people to hang out with, to get out of the house. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I had some first dates with guys, nothing awesome. I started dating this one guy, R, and I liked him, but I didn't like him enough. Do you know that feeling? He was fun to be with, a nice guy, there was some chemistry there, his dog is great. But I didn't like him enough.

Now, let me bring up the fact that there were still some nights that I would cry over S. I mean, as I said, I loved him. I had never quite felt that way about someone. And I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. And R wasn't a boyfriend. We didn't have a label.

There were definitely times when I'd be with R that I was wishing that I was with S. Too many.

Very early on with R, though, we had plans to do homework together. I had a paper I was working on, and I was at the school library. It was a Saturday. It was 2pm, and I hadn't heard from R yet. I texted him- turns out he went to the beach with some friends. a) Our school library closes early on Saturdays, and my roommate and I hadn't yet gotten the Internet installed at home. b) Great, this guy bailed on me. Yay, alcohol...it wasn't so much bailing on me as he got drunk and his friends kidnapped him, haha.

I was desperate to do this paper, and I needed the Internet. I called S. We weren't talking as often. He knew about R. I ended up at S's house to do homework. He even went out (with people this time) while I was there. I had told him that I probably wouldn't be sleeping over. But he came back from drinking, when I was watching TV. We got to talking, and we had a very honest conversation (again, yay alcohol). And needless to say, I texted R the next day to say that I couldn't see him anymore. He said that it was sudden, and I said that he just needed to trust me.

With the first guy I cheated on with S, I told him. Granted, I had been with him a week, so it wasn't a huge deal, and with R, I didn't tell him the reasoning behind me not being able to see him anymore.

S and I didn't continue a romantic relationship (I mean, we still are friends to this day). With R, there were times that I felt bad and missed him. I'm a very honest person...most guys who I have dated have received long emails or texts or letters from me, and I had written R something on Facebook, but apparently he never got it. I think it was to the effect that I was confused and maybe that I still thought of him and that I wasn't expecting to hear from him.

But a few weeks later, I did hear from him. Apparently he had never received my Facebook message. And he and I hung out more. But it just never felt right. It was never like, this is the guy I want to be with more than anyone.

And we started hanging out again, and then didn't for a while, not due to anything, he was busy, and I had school, too. And then it had been a while.

When he and I had gotten back together, though, S had said, "I'm happy for you" or something, and I called him out on it, asking him "Really?", and he said, "What else am I supposed to say?"

S is a pretty private person, not very open with his feelings usually. But with him saying that, obviously he didn't want me seeing other guys.

R and I got back in touch yet again after not for a while, but this time he had just come back from a vacation and wanted to hang out. I felt like it was booty-callish, and I called him out on it. He had said that he missed me, and I said "Really?", and he said, "Why is it so hard to believe?"

Now, it wasn't serious between us, but he had even said when we initially started hanging out that if he's "talking with a girl", then that's the only girl he's talking with. So I mean, he probably wasn't seeing other people, I assume, and maybe he liked me more than I thought he did. But I didn't see him that night.

Now my time frame is getting muddied. I had started seeing this other guy, D, and again, nothing serious, and I didn't like him enough, but I liked spending time with him. And I remember that he and I went to Waffle House one night because I needed to talk with him about R. And that must have been the night of when R sent me that text. And I was asking D for advice on what to do, because I didn't want to hurt R, but I felt like his intentions may not have been 100% what I wanted them to be with his texting me. And D, of course he was biased because we were dating...we weren't in a relationship, but we were dating. And basically, I explained myself to R, saying how I felt about us, and that was that. D and I hung out for about a month, but he and I just stopped communicating. I think it was a mutual thing, "Oh, I'll wait for him to text me next", and he was thinking, "Oh, I'll wait for her to text me next." But that didn't happen. Although a while later I did get a text from our area code and it just said "Hi" or "Hey" or something, but I had already erased his number out of my phone, and I didn't text back to ask who it was.

Because...

I had started seeing someone else, R2. Now, R2 (not D2, haha) and I hit it off from the beginning. Great, great guy. We started dating in November, and we're still going strong. We don't get to see each other all the time because of distance and work and school, but it's going well.

In November, right after R2 and I started dating, a good friend from my hometown, who I hadn't seen in 7 years, came for a visit. Prior to meeting R2, I won't lie, I was thinking, I wonder if anything will happen with J. We never dated as teenagers, were just good friends, but it was always a what-if. But I was with R2 and things were just fun with J. But he had said that he wished that I was single. He was not dating anyone and was lonely (but he just recently met a girl who he's head over heels for, so all is well!). And in December, S and I hung out. We hadn't seen each other since that night that I went over to use his Internet. But we stayed in occasional touch. We had dinner and a movie, and it was really nice. I feel comfortable with him and it wasn't like I wanted to jump his bones, haha. Because in all, I'm not a cheater, and obviously I didn't like those 2 guys in the past enough. I felt comfortable enough hanging out with him. Good times. He and I will text each other occasionally, but not too often...sometimes we'll talk on Facebook.

Changing the topic a bit...

Back in July, I called my parents, and we were talking about me moving and going back to school. They didn't want me to move, they didn't want me to go back to school. I have a strained relationship with them anyway, and that didn't help. My mom had even said that I should have stayed married for financial reasons. I cried so hard after that conversation, and didn't call them again until probably Thanksgiving. Nothing I do is ever good enough.

My dad did my taxes for me, and I called my parents maybe 3 weeks ago now to ask a question about them. And my mom still was like, "I wish you were in Florida [they were supposed to move to Alabama for retirement, but ended up in Florida...I had already decided to move to the Carolinas before they announced that switch, and they moved not too soon before I moved]. And she's said that I should have left my dog with Bobby (but he has no legal ownership of my dog). And stuff like that.

Well, I'm almost 27, and I had had enough of being treated like that with them. I'm an adult, I'm self-supportive, and I'm doing well in school. I emailed my parents, just venting about how I felt when they say things like that. And while I was at it, I emailed Bobby; he and I have remained friends, and he had told me things in October that I didn't know, and I didn't tell him before how it made me feel, but I did in the email.

And while I was at it, I emailed S (the one who I dated in Florida who moved to North Carolina). And instead of looking for an apology, I apologized to him. For being insensitive when he was going through stuff and needed the break. (He had asked recently how things were going with R2, and he said "Great!"...at first I was thinking that that was mature of him....until I remembered that he acted similarly when R(1) and I got back together, and he didn't mean it.) And I also talked about that, saying that he shouldn't say things to me that he thinks I want to hear, basically...

And it felt good. I'm leaving that as closure with him unless he contacts me. A few weeks ago I texted S asking if he still has his van, in case I move (chances are I'm moving, in the same town probably, in August), and he said yes. He still calls me "baby"...which is sweet but also weird. I don't know how he feels. I think it was in October that I stopped crying myself to sleep over him. It wasn't like I did that every night, but it was really hard to get over him. And I'm happy with R2, but of course, I'm a very what-if person. I would never want to hurt R2, though, and I wouldn't want to hurt S (who is doing well now, which is great).

Speaking of S, when we hung out last, in December, he had been sort of dating his roommate's cousin, who lives in another part of the country. He had been complaining about her, how she didn't like the fact that he and I were hanging out, and just other things. How she yelled at him. He said that I was the only girl he had dated who was basically nice to him, not expecting anything, not criticizing me. Score one for Amy, right? Which of course made me feel good. He's a good guy and he deserves to be respected.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't think. R2 is wonderful, he really is a great guy. Even within the first month, marriage was brought up. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Geesh, Amy, you have only been legally divorced for a year!". But I have a good head on my shoulders. I date a lot and whatnot, but I'm not looking to get married yet! And at Christmastime...

Oh, Christmastime.

I was so depressed at Christmastime. R2 and I had plans to spend it together with his family. But a few days before, I just...lost it. I was so depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I made R2 cry- he was worried that I was breaking up with him. I wasn't sure. I was so in despair. S had said that I could spend Christmas with him, that it would be "like old times", but I wasn't sure I wanted to be with anyone. Then he said after I had said that I probably won't take him up on the offer that he and his brother got an invitation somewhere. Which was good. And I spent Christmas alone.

On Thanksgiving 2010, Bobby's mom had sent me a Facebook message. It was too soon, and I never wrote her back. It wasn't anything mean whatsoever or anything. Last year for Christmas, she wrote me another Facebook message, and I did reply to that one. It was nice to hear from her. When you get divorced, you also divorce the family. I just lost it, though, when I saw that she had messaged me. Bawled. my. eyes. out. Just lost it.

There have been times when I've wondered if Bobby and I could have made it work. I do miss the dogs, sometimes even to the point of tears. But I now know, as of literally yesterday, that we have just grown as individuals too much and have some different values, and it never would have worked, so it was good to have ended it when we did, especially before any children were involved.

And there are times when I wonder about S and myself, if I had given him space and not have gone out with the other guys.

I think that everything happens for a reason, though. Sometimes I'm fine talking about the future with R2, but other times, I get scared, or just don't want to commit to something like that. If I'm stressing about school, I just want to think about the present. I'm honest about it, and he respects that.

I mean, I've told R2 that I'm committed to him (which is huge for me to say to someone). I wouldn't want to hurt him.

I'm thrilled that S is doing better, and sometimes I do wonder what-if, but that's life. I mean, it would take hurting R2 to find out, and I don't want to do that. And I wouldn't want to hurt S. Even though he's probably hurt that I've been seeing other guys. And I wouldn't want to hurt him, but I apologized for those decisions. And it feels good to have gotten that off my chest (and getting things off my chest to my parents and Bobby felt good, too).

I'm stressed with school and things now. I have 2 papers, one of which I've been steadily working on, that are due on Monday. I don't have time to do my internship much this week, and I probably won't go in tomorrow, so I can work on my papers. And I need to get an internship that will start in August, and the organization I called the other day (an adoption agency) already has an intern for then.

All in all, I'm in a good place. I wonder about if things were different sometimes, but I think that life is too short and you just need to be happy and...

You can't have everything in life. As long as you're happy, that's what matters. You can "what-if" all day long, but that won't change anything. Like my mom. "You should have stayed in Florida!"...well, is she expecting me to be like, "You're right!" and hop on a plane? I mean, you need to accept things sometimes.

I'm with R2, and he treats me well. Of course I wonder what-if, but even if I do stay with R2 (and am happy), and wonder about S, that's normal. As long as I'm not running back to S when R2 has done nothing bad to me, you know, then it's fine. He knows about S (he doesn't like how J, my childhood friend, or S "hit on me" as R2 says, but he trusts me), and yeah. Time does heal, though.

That's my novel. You asked, Disney Duster, haha, and you received.

[slave2moonlight]

Well Slave2moonlight I'm sorry your job is like that. I hope that you like it and do well in it, but I really am also going to hope you find a better one, too. I'll even pray for ya.

Appreciate it. It's been stressful. The kinda-sorta training they give, which is mainly watching one salesman for two days, feels like it is insufficient, so we'll see what happens.

Yea I bet half Asian and American girls are really pretty. But this girl, if she never got close to you, that should have put you off, and if she didn't lie, she still was disingenuous and leading you on.

Well, that's one reason I didn't want to mention her looks. If a girl happens to be pretty, everyone thinks that's the only interest you have in her. It's sorta like saying all pretty girls are dumb or mean. It's true, physically, she was exactly my type, but if you look at everything about this girl other than the physical aspects, she was still EXACTLY my type, and that is really saying something, because to find that in a girl who is single and legally an adult is quite a trick.

And, as for her never getting close to me, you have to understand that in many ways she did. We shared a lot with each other that we wouldn't have to just anyone, and we had some really special moments, as I said. I don't really feel she was disingenuous, but sincerely nervous and unsure of things, partly because of bad past experiences, and partly because of her social anxieties. I think it's a bit presumptuous to say that she didn't feel anything in those special moments, too, because I don't think they would have gone the way they did if it was just me.

You know, if even when you were just a little chubby you weren't getting set up but the other guy was, maybe you were still chubbier than you thought and maybe you should lose more weight than you thought. I am just suggesting, because I don't know you, you could be the cutest slightly chubby guy anyone ever did see. But if you want things to super change, you may have to make a super change yourself. Or not, I dunno.

The thing that gets me about things like this is simply that so many women claim to not care about this. I wonder if BlackCauldron85 would agree with you on that. Anyway, no, I can tell you that pictures don't lie, and at one point I could hardly be called chubby at all, except that there were always enough outrageously thin people around where I grew up that you could be quite normal and still called chubby, which still gets to you psychologically.

I might be wrong but for now I say I don't agree. I think you can fall in love with people who don't have the qualities you've always dreamed of and looked for. I think you can be rather surprised.

Well, I'll say I think that depends on the source of those qualities you desire/are looking for. If they are just based on some stereotype, some idea you've been told of what makes the ideal man or woman, then true, you may be surprised by what you end up falling for if you allow yourself to (which most people don't, most people marry based on those other desires). But if you are a person who doesn't let their parents or the media, or peers, tell them what makes an ideal mate, and they really come up with their own, personal desires, they have a better chance of being happy, I believe, IF they find someone like that who feels the same about them. I don't believe they would fall for someone who has few or none of the qualities they find attractive if they are letting their heart tell them what they really want and not other people.

If you had moments that seemed just AMAZING, you can't forget how perfect those were

But the moments were not perfect, because she didn't feel the same way about you, she didn't feel the way you wanted her to feel. And she couldn't get close to you. She was not perfect.

Well, neither you nor I know what she was feeling in those moments. However, I was actually there, and while I may have been partially blinded by love, I can definitely tell you that she appeared to be sharing the same feelings at the time. It's quite possible she wouldn't ALLOW herself to get close to me, though really, during those special moments, I call them that because she DID seem to be getting close to me at those times, see. That's why the end(?) result was so confusing.

No, wait a minute, ha, you were always saying that it HAD to be like that every time or it wasn't true love.

No, I never meant that. I said it made more sense that if someone was right for you and you would have a good love, you'd most likely fall in love around the same time like in Disney movies. I didn't say it was a rule.

Well, I'm too lazy to go back that far, but I think you pretty well implied that it was always that way.

You can fall in love with people just by spending more time with them or just by being around them which is not info happening in different amounts. How did cave people who couldn't talk fall in love?

You really think cave people fell "in love"? C'mon, Duster. Anyway, I still say this is very flawed logic about love that you are living with. People, even cave people, have to communicate. Just being put in a room together isn't going to cause to people to fall in love if they don't communicate in one way or another. Communication is interaction and exchanging of information. It happens often in inconsistent amounts, especially when one person is shy, ha. Sometimes you fall for someone, but they are not open to falling in love. You have to gain their interest, which isn't always as simple as visuals. You also have to get them to trust you, which can take more time with some people than others. Then, they might open up to the possibility of loving you. All the while, you might already be in love with them. It's just like that with some people. Sometimes, two people who meet might fall in love at different rates because one is more ready to trust than the other, or one says or shows the right things before the other one does.

And, like BlackCauldron85 says, she may have been playing a pros and cons game. So frustrating, because you aren't given a chance to defend yourself in that decision making process...

Amd what exactly is this game? If her decision was really based on if you had enough pros, I don't know if I'd call that love. If she decided to have you after she thought there were enough pros, I'd say it didn't really have anything to do with the pros at all, I'd say love itself made her decide. And if too many cons got in the way, well that's not very strong love and I doubt if there was really any love at all. If someone's playing pros and cons I don't know if they really like you enough. What do you think? Or Amy?

This is something you need to think about more, especially in terms of cultures. Some people are raised to play the pro/con game and see it as more important than personal feelings, no matter how strong. Usually, the result is passing up someone you really love to be with someone who looks like a better match on paper, frequently because of things like financial security and stuff like that. Sure, they later lament over it and the love they shouldn't have rejected for security (or whatever else). Countless stories have been written and films made that include this sort of thing, because it happens all the time. Truth is, being the rejected on in that comparison is almost a better sign that you are loved, or the person in question wouldn't even be playing a pros and cons game. It makes sense, but you have to think about it.

I hope I don't sound mean. I am trying to show you this girl...is not really everything you wanted, it's not the love you may have thought you had. I agree with Goliath a lot about what you should do.

Well, I just think it's a bit presumptuous and cliche when people tell you someone isn't everything you ever wanted when things don't work out (not attacking you, Disney Duster, it's something everyone does). It's sorta like that old "there are plenty more fish in the sea" line, or "you just have to be patient" or stuff like that. Not a far cry from people advising you not to date "out of your league" and all that, which I consider terrible advice. But, really, after 36 years, I have a pretty good idea of what I want. You don't even have to date to get a good idea. I mean, it's not like I have completely not interacted with people. It's exactly as I have said before, the ONLY thing about this girl that made her not perfect for me was that she was indecisive and eventually rejected me. It's not a case of me seeing a girl and obsessing over what it would be like to be with her, and then discovering I was wrong in thinking it would be wonderful and I would fall for her. I did, she just didn't fall for me. But, I think it's flawed in such a situation to try and tell the dumpee that she was not what you wanted. Bottom line, she was, I just wasn't what SHE wanted. It's quite simple, really.

Or is she still just unsure... truth is, we are still in contact. She lately has been singing a tune of extra sweetness and possible regret in pushing me away. And, because of how I feel about her, I have to see if it leads anywhere. I sorta let her know I was upset with how she handled things and how she treated me, and I didn't expect it to get her to show interest again, but apparently it may have. She texts me everyday now (we are both too busy to see each other during the week), and I haven't been the one initiating it, either. And, she insists she has no romantic interest in this friend who turned up.

In truth, I may have misunderstood some of the things that happened with her recently. We may be working things out, but I don't want to jump the gun.

[blackcauldron85]

You know, if even when you were just a little chubby you weren't getting set up but the other guy was, maybe you were still chubbier than you thought and maybe you should lose more weight than you thought. I am just suggesting, because I don't know you, you could be the cutest slightly chubby guy anyone ever did see. But if you want things to super change, you may have to make a super change yourself. Or not, I dunno.

The thing that gets me about things like this is simply that so many women claim to not care about this. I wonder if BlackCauldron85 would agree with you on that.

Some people have a physical type. I have dated guys of different shapes and sizes, and I've been attracted to them all. I think that losing weight for health reasons is noble, but to only do it (or to only do anything) to try and get a date...I don't know. I think you should want to change for yourself. People shouldn't change just to impress other people...I mean, unless it's something like not belching at the table when you meet your significant other's parents...but then I don't know why that person would be with someone without manners in the first place.

Also, if someone maybe would prefer a more slender date, by getting to know someone, that person can become even more attractive.

Sometimes you fall for someone, but they are not open to falling in love. You have to gain their interest, which isn't always as simple as visuals. You also have to get them to trust you, which can take more time with some people than others. Then, they might open up to the possibility of loving you. All the while, you might already be in love with them. It's just like that with some people. Sometimes, two people who meet might fall in love at different rates because one is more ready to trust than the other, or one says or shows the right things before the other one does.

That's super true. People's past experiences really shape them. So, if someone is used to getting hurt, he or she may cautiously approach the relationship, and guard their heart more than other people. Trust is huge. I have trust issues, and even if, at times, I feel like I won't get hurt, at other times I need reassurance.

It's sorta like that old "there are plenty more fish in the sea" line, or "you just have to be patient" or stuff like that. Not a far cry from people advising you not to date "out of your league" and all that, which I consider terrible advice.

I think that if someone cares for their friend who is sad about losing a romantic partner, it's necessary to tell the friend (or even yourself) that there are other people. I mean, I personally don't think that there is just one person out there for everyone. That being said, of course if you're going through a breakup and miss that one person, you don't want to be told about other people, you just want that person back! But I've said it before, and I'll say it again: time heals!

In truth, I may have misunderstood some of the things that happened with her recently. We may be working things out, but I don't want to jump the gun.

You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders. I am definitely hoping for the best for you two. And I'm glad that you let her know that what she did may not have been cool, so props to you!

[Elladorine]

PixarFan, certainly hope things are going better. We're all thinking of you!

Nathan, good luck with the new job! I'm sure you'll pick up on things as the time passes. And as for the whole weight issue, I'm not sure if I've ever really added my two cents, but it's such a superficial thing. If someone doesn't want to date you because of your weight, that's unbelievably shallow of them and in the end, not worthy of your time. I mean, I know some people have "types" when it comes to figures, but as I've said before, I initially didn't know what Rey looked like, and it never mattered. My first relationship was with someone that could stand to lose a lot of weight, and breaking up with him never had anything to do with his appearance. I'm sure that a lot of people never gave me a chance when I was younger because of my size, but you now what? Screw them for never giving me that chance and not bothering to look for the person I am inside. It took ages for me to find the right person but my size has never ever mattered to him.

Amy, even though you didn't end up with the someone you'd initially hoped for, I think it's great you took the plunge and made that move. I also think it's sad that you still hear you should have supposedly stayed with your ex-husband simply over financial reasons, as there's so much more to life than financial security. I would hope your parents would be proud of you for being brave enough to undertake such huge changes in your life, for doing well in school, and for being self-sufficient, but sometimes people only see what they want to see. Sigh . . . so many ups and downs in your life. But I'm happy for you. I'm happy you're meeting people and that you're in school . . . heh, which is more than what I'm doing right now. And whatever happens with R2, I think things will continue to happen for the best as long as he respects your honesty.

For the most part, I do like to believe that everything happens for a reason as well. It can be hard not to dwell on the what-if's, but it's really true that life is too short and that you need to find your own happiness.

* * *

I've been pulling my hair out lately over the legal issue I've been mentioning. I've been half-tempted to write out an expose on my facebook page over all the selfish, mean-spirited things an ex-relative has been doing; it's unbelievable how cruel and hateful some people can actually be. But of course that would only cause more problems . . .

[slave2moonlight]

I'm off to work, so for now I just wanna say one thing. Ha, I was thinking of the wrong old line that bugs me. The one I was thinking of was not the "plenty of fish", it was the "there's someone out there for everybody" line, or ones to that affect. Like, the "soul mate" thing that supposedly guarantees someone for everyone, and you just have to wait for them to be "sent" your way or something, ha. The fish in the sea line can be a bit annoying, but not like these others, so it's not what I meant.

[Princess Leia]

Ouch, slave2moonlight. I was reading your earlier posts in this thread. Sounds like you've been through the wringer. My parents would sympathize with you on the job front.

Dad was working at Food Lion at the time he and Mom got married. He would work a day shift one day and then a night shift. It finally got to the point where he quit; one day he'd been working 12 hours straight and was expected to work 6 more hours, and he'd had enough.

Luckily he wasn't out of work too terribly long; a slight acquaintance of his offered him a job in a furniture factory and he accepted. In the middle of all this my older sister and I were both born prematurely; my sister didn't make it, and I was in the hospital 3 months before I finally came home.

Dad worked at one furniture co. for 3 years before moving to another one, where he eventually rose from upholsterer to plant manager. The drawback of him becoming plant manager was that he was working late almost all the time, getting phone calls at all hours of the night, and generally spending less and less time with me and Mom. He finally called it quits there too after 12 years; in March 2006 he moved to another furniture co., his third one in 16 years, and he's been there ever since.

I don't remember much about my early childhood, but from what I've been told we were literally living paycheck to paycheck for years. There were times when there wasn't much food in the cabinets. We had an ugly yellow station wagon that I absolutely hated and a little red Volkswagon to get us around. Our home was a single wide yellow trailer with 2 bedrooms, both rather small.

Eventually, though, things began to look up. Dad started earning more money at his job. They were able to replace some of the old furniture in the living room with new stuff and get a new refrigerator for the kitchen. Dad completely remodeled my bedroom when I was 9; he and Mom got a new bed for their room just a few years before we moved. Mom now has a black Nissan and Dad a green Nissan(techinically mine now) and a gray LTD to drive.

In mid 2006, thanks to a more secure income, Dad and Mom were able to purchase a new double wide, 2 bedroom trailer. We moved in in October that year, just after my 17th birthday.

We're far better off than we were when I was young, but we still try to live as frugally as possible; after all, there's no guarantee that we won't face hardship again. All it would take is one change and we could lose everything and end up back in the dumps.

(And yes, I'm 22 now, but I still live at home. It's for the best; I couldn't support myself if I lived on my own. I have no real job, I'm trying to finish my schooling, and a combination of hearing problems and possible Asperger's make it a little difficult for me to function in the real world: I'm trying my darned hardest though.)

[blackcauldron85]

Thanks, EW! :hug: Ugh, that sucks about your relative. I think it'd be best to take the high road and not write the expose. As you said, it might make things worse. I think just try and lean on your family and friends through it. Take you-time (have a "me party"!) to de-stress; self-care is super important so you don't burn out.

the "there's someone out there for everybody" line, or ones to that affect. Like, the "soul mate" thing that supposedly guarantees someone for everyone, and you just have to wait for them to be "sent" your way or something, ha.

I think that there's more than one person out there for someone...I mean, you won't meet everyone that you could have a match with, I'm sure (I mean, surely there are people all over the world you could be happy with). I feel for you, Nathan. It's so easy to just settle sometimes, but I think you need to be strong, which I'm sure isn't easy to do when you want so badly to find that special someone. I'm a relationship person, and I mean, sometimes it's out of boredom that I date people and I know that they're not "the one", but companionship in general is something that is so important. As even S had told me about the girl he was dating, sometimes it's just good having someone there. Even if you know that the person isn't right for you, if that person makes you happy and you enjoy spending time with them, then that's just extra happiness in your life.

I think that with Kiki, as you've said, she was your dream girl. So, especially when you've been waiting for that special someone to show up, and then she did, it must be really hard to not be in a relationship with her. So I'm very happy that you two are still in contact. I think that it can be hard to find someone that just 'gets' you and you 'get' them, but as I just told my good friend J, you shouldn't put all of your eggs into one basket. He just started dating a girl, like, just started a week ago, and already he asked me if it's strange that he's finding himself thinking of living with the girl if things get serious, that he knows it's too soon to think of such things, but that he thinks about it because it's something to think about if they stay together, and I told him that it's not bad, but that he may not want to disclose that to her quite yet. It's so easy (so easy!) to just fall head over heels for someone, and you don't think that anything will go wrong with the relationship, because in the moment, things just feel so right. But as someone who's been in a lot of relationships, I can tell you that things usually go wrong. Most relationships don't last. Then you move on to someone else over time. I think as long as you keep things in perspective (which isn't always easy to do!), then put yourself out there and see what happens. And surround yourself with people and things that make you happy if things go bad.

In life, you can't just play the what-if game; if you never try, then you won't know. So, like with Kiki, I think since you love her, to definitely feel it out, but keep in the back of your head that if things don't work out, life will still go on. And sometimes it's hard to meet people (I mean, I'm not a party at the bar kind of girl, so I know it's hard to meet people),
but I think the main thing is to not give up hope. For your situation or for anyone's. Don't lose hope that things will work out, but if things don't, feel comfort knowing that anything is possible. Sometimes you'll have to work at finding someone and many of the people you meet might just be fun to hang out with, maybe you'll make more friends than love matches. And I know it can be hard to feel that time is ticking. But as I mentioned, I knew someone who found love only when she was in her 40s...so things like that can take time, but it'll be worth it in the end. But I truly hope things will go well with the two of you!


Princess Leia- I think that life is like that, one bad move can make a huge impact. I think that it's great, though, that your parents have been doing well! I think you just have to stay positive and hope for the best, but have a plan in place in case things start going downhill. Life happens, and as long as you have your friends and family to support you through it, and there is help from the community (agencies and non-profits and such), you can weather any storm.

And it's wonderful that you're in school. So many people live with their parents at any age- it's nice to have that support system, you know? Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of there. It's wonderful that you're not letting your circumstances get you down!

*edit*

Okay, so typing about S yesterday made me, of course, think about him. And today he was on Facebook and we talked for a second (we're both doing homework, haha, and he left, and that was the extent of our convo). I was talking with a friend (one of my other friends who moved from Florida to North Carolina) on Facebook like we always do, and he knows all about the S drama over the past year. And I had mentioned that S called R2 my "boytoy", and my friend told me how derogatory that is. He thinks that S is a jerk and I should cut all ties with him. My roommate had said how I should take his number out of my phone months ago. But I didn't. I think part of it is I like to stay friends with people; if the person is a nice person, why get rid of him? But, when Bobby would talk about other girls, like his ex-girlfriend or a girl he volunteered with, I didn't like it and thought, if he wants to be with these other girls, why is he with me? And I guess with me thinking of S, it's kind of similar. I *could* just tell him I can't just be friends with him, and then any temptation would go away...? I don't know if I need to make that drastic of a move in this situation. I left my friend a message for when he gets back on Facebook, saying maybe I just don't want to burn any bridges in case I'm single in the future...? I mean, other guys have unfriended me when I was in a new relationship, and S hasn't unfriended me and I haven't unfriended him. I don't know his intention. But he's able to stay friends with exes, too, like I am, so maybe we just have that in common. I'd like to think that if he felt the need, he would unfriend me. Bobby had to unfriend me (again) because it was too painful for him to read my wall.

[Elladorine]

Thanks, EW! :hug: Ugh, that sucks about your relative. I think it'd be best to take the high road and not write the expose. As you said, it might make things worse. I think just try and lean on your family and friends through it. Take you-time (have a "me party"!) to de-stress; self-care is super important so you don't burn out.

Thanks! Yeah, as frustrating as it is, I'm definitely taking the high road and won't stoop to her level. Been discussing this a lot with my husband of course, and my aunt as well since she's being directly lied to in this case.

She actually dismissed my miscarriage by telling my aunt how she never liked me anyway. I cried for at least an hour after hearing that, not out of sadness, but out of anger. I used to be so close to her kids and she robbed me of any relationship I had with them many years ago. And when I tried to reconnect with them through FB last year, she convinced them all to unfriend me; not sure if it was through lies or threats but it doesn't really matter as the result is the same. One of the kids is going through a cancer scare right now and her mom has actually disowned her in the middle of it over something petty. I feel so horrible for her; I did try to send her a message a few days back to let her know I'm here if she needs to talk or vent, but I doubt I'll ever hear back from her.

And none of this is even the tip of the iceberg; there have been so many selfish acts and angry, hurtful lies that I can't even begin to bring up here. Can't wait to take the first step with the legal proceedings, even if it means a court battle. I've been stressing about certain things for the last 8-10 years and I'm anxious to find closure so I can move on with my life.

Doing my best not to burn-out though. Freelancing is keeping me busy in a good way for the moment, and I've had lots of time at home to relax. Still so glad that I moved away from all that; starting over in another state is still the best decision I've ever made.

[blackcauldron85]

She disowned her daughter? She sounds like a horrible person, anyway...I hope the daughter does respond to you- she probably can use some support. I do hope it works out for you.

[Elladorine]

She disowned her daughter? She sounds like a horrible person, anyway...I hope the daughter does respond to you- she probably can use some support. I do hope it works out for you.

Yeah. . . unbelievable, isn't it? Anyway, it's not as if I care what she thinks about me at this point, but she's still doing plenty to hurt several members of the family, like her daughter. It's so frustrating to feel this helpless over what's going on. I hope I do hear from her daughter again (heck, all of the kids eventually); her mother even told her she dare not tell her siblings about being disowned. Not sure what how she could possibly make things any worse for her over it, but it's a pretty low thing to do to her at such a difficult point in her life and is yet another example of how she cares for no one but herself.

As far as the legal issues are concerned, I'm pretty sure things will work out. It's just a matter of time for us to get things sorted so we can get the ball rolling.

[Rose Dome]

My thoughts are with you, wing.

Your Sister in law sounds absolutely despicable and I can't begin to imagine the pain she must have caused. I wish you all the best as you take a stand.