(Before my novel, which I typed in Notepad, I just want to say thank you so much for helping me through this- I feel annoying, and it feels good to know that people care enough to give advice! *HUGGGGG*)
PeterPanfan wrote:You said earlier that you could sorta tell Bobby was into one of his co-workers, right?
A girl he volunteers with, yeah. And, it might just be on a subconscious level- I mean, after volunteering, he'll talk about her sometimes (like I really care about the status of her at-work on again, off again boyfriend!), and just a couple mornings ago, he did graphically dream about her (he wasn't going to tell me who he dreamt about, but a) she would've been my first guess, and b) I told him he can't just tell me about the dream and not tell me who it is. And I don't mind that he had the dream- a) you can't help what you dream, and b) I'm no dream decoder, but obviously there's something there! (Although I did once dream about Taylor Hicks and I doing something, and I didn't know that I was attracted to him...but obviously Bobby likes this girl.)
PeterPanfan wrote:Maybe you should confront him about it, and maybe that could lead to a discussion about your marriage, moving out, etc.
a) He might not even consciously know that he really likes her...I don't know how his mind works. Like, I can tell, but maybe he doesn't want to think that way...? b) Even if he knows he likes her, like he'd tell me!
PeterPanfan wrote:I wouldn't outright say you're leaving, because you might not know what that could do, emotionally, to him, and especially if you still want him as a friend.
a) I don't know what that would do emotionally to him, either. I mean, it all depends on if he notices that there's a problem. I would think that any normal person would realize that there's something wrong. b) He's a nice guy, and his family is great, but I'm not concerned with staying friends with him. I think that eventually we could, if he wanted to, but if we lost contact afterwards, so be it.
PeterPanfan wrote:Jw, do you plan to stay in/near Orlando if you move out?
Well, my uncle lives about 45 minutes-1 hour away, so technically yes, but it's not in Orlando. But at least then I'd be open to relocating if I could find a job elsewhere, since, even though the job market sucks everywhere, other places surely have more available than Orlando does.
enigmawing wrote:Life's too short to waste it in such disinterest and uncertainty or to be spent hoping for something else.
I agree, and that's something that I was thinking about the past couple days- how I'm young, he's young, we're too young to be in a "loveless" marriage as Frank from "Everybody Loves Raymond" would say. I just wish that Bobby would wake up and realize that this isn't how it should be.
engimawing wrote:How would you honestly feel at the thought of him cheating on you? Would you feel hurt, neglected, jealous? I have the impression that it wouldn't really affect you that way at all (more that you'd be relieved actually), and if that's the case, it's another sign that you have no real reason to keep this marriage together.
I would feel relieved, yes. I mean, part of it would just be an excuse, like, see, we need to divorce!, but part of it would be, finally, you feel
something. You can't help how you feel, so if you like someone more than your spouse, especially if you and your spouse haven't been getting along for a long time, then why bother staying miserable?
enigmawing wrote:People often argue that you must respect and/or protect the sanctity of marriage, but it sounds like you caved into this at the pressure of others anyway from the very beginning.
That first part, I think is crap- I don't see why a marriage is any different than a dating relationship as far as your feelings go. If you and a person you were dating didn't feel that the relationship was worth saving, you'd break up. Why is a person you marry any different? It's still a person that at one time you felt something for at one time, but that doesn't mean that it'll last forever. Especially if you're young and still growing as a person.
As for the second part, I'm sure I must've explained the situation before, but in summary: I met Bobby while I was dating someone else, and we became friends. Then I broke up with that person, but then started dating someone else, and was still friends with Bobby. I have a bad memory/probably block things from my memory, but he had said in the past that he would ask me to hang out with him on the weekends, and I always had to say that I was working (which was true- I worked every weekend back then), and he thought of that as rejection, but we always remained friends. I thought of him as a big brother type. Then when the guy I was dating and I broke up, a week later Bobby and I went on our first date. I never waited long between boyfriends, not because I can't be alone, just because I would end up dating a guy that I was friends with. That was a really weird time in my life anyway (mainly due to depression), and yes, I did like him, but I was still friends with that last ex, and even my mom was like, you can't have both guys, or something, and I wasn't cheating. I did like Bobby- he was a nice guy, and we'd watch movies together and whatever. And his aunt & uncle have always come down to WDW and would often bring Bobby, so we had that Disney connection. When I was dating that last guy, I had wanted so badly to move out of my parents' house- we're just different, I guess, and I wanted freedom. His parents, with whom he was still living, said no, and so that was that. Bobby had talked about how much he liked coming down to Florida, and eventually that was my way out. I wasn't thinking marriage or anything, but I liked him, and it was a way out of my parents' house, and my parents liked him (everyone likes him). Even when we first moved, I felt our relationship change. I can't explain it, and I probably couldn't then. A couple years later, I was getting ready to graduate from the community college down here, which I/my parents were paying the out-of-state rate for, since I wasn't a resident. My mom had me look into how to become a Florida resident to get the cheaper rate for the University, since their out-of-state rate was a lot more money than at the community college. Basically my options were: a) work full-time, for a certain amount of time prior to becoming a resident, I believe, or b) marry a Florida resident (aka someone who works full time). I was a student and only worked part time, so option A was out. My mom said that we might as well get married and save the money. A few months prior to that, I was very confused about our relationship and part of me wanted out- that was a very awkward time. Flash forward again, and I told Bobby what my mom said, and then he called his brother- turns out he was going to propose (?!?) anyway around this time, and needed advice. That was perplexing, given the previous few months. But I partially felt an obligation to my parents to save money (hey, I'm a frugal person!), and I never disliked Bobby- he's a likeable guy- but even back then, I knew that something was off about my feelings. He had only had one girlfriend prior to me, and it took him a really long time to get over her, and I think that he really just wants to make relationships work (relationships = me, since I'm the only other one he's had), so he's not hurt or something.
enigmawing wrote:As you said in most recent post, there's a lot to consider when it comes to finances and making it on your own. Even if you don't currently contribute to the household income you should probably talk to a lawyer. I'm no lawyer myself of course, but as his current dependent I'm certain you are entitled to exit the marriage under good finances, which may mean having to split up your existing assets.
Yeah, that makes sense, unless we can work something out without a lawyer. We don't have that much money, so splitting it up would make us have less so. As long as I'd have enough to pay for car insurance and dog food/medicine, I'd be fine with just a little to start with. And I'm selling (hopefully selling!) some items on eBay now to make a little more money just in case, and I have some items I bought for a recipe project (binders, paper, etc.) that I could return and keep the money and he'd never know, just so I'd have a little to live on). I mean, I don't know how long my uncle would let me stay with him, but at least I wouldn't have to worry about rent. Health insurance is another matter (I have some health issues that I need to get checked up on more often then I actually do), and I know that my mom has said in the past if I ever need money to see a doctor, she'd help out, so that's nice to know. But, yeah, as long as those immediate needs (car insurance & dog food/medicine) are taken care of (I don't know how much car insurance is, since I don't deal with our bills, but for a 6-month supply of dog medicne, I think it'd be $60-$100ish, and the food, for about a 3-month supply for one dog, is $28-35, depending on if it's on sale). And about our assets- In my mind, I figued out that I'd keep Oliver, since I adopted him on my own, and Bobby would keep Harry & Sally, since they grew up together (both our signatures are on the adoption papers). And besides that, I mean, even though my parents helped us with the down payment on the house (as a wedding present/slash "thank you for saving us money on college", even though that makes no sense!), I don't care if he keeps it- I haven't had a job since we moved into the house (we had an apartment previously), so I don't care. Last year, my dad drove down with his van, which he gave us (he flew back home), since he had bought a new car; I figure that I'd sell my car and keep the van, since it has less miles than my car does, I think, and I feel like I would have to split the money with Bobby, since he's the one who has been paying for its repair (not that it'd be worth much- it's a 1996 with interior cloth falling off and the driver's side rear view mirror fell off).
enigmawing wrote:Here are a few links that might be helpful to check out:
I started reading those, and will continue later on- thank you!
slave2moonlight wrote:but I kind of feel I'm too old to find anyone single who is my type now {as my type always seems to be engaged or married}
I don't think that you should feel this way- there are always people of all different ages who are single. I know it's not always easy to meet people (volunteering is a great way to, though!), but especially in a bigger city, there definitely should be some single people in your age range!
slave2moonlight wrote:Amy, I distinctly remember this being discussed once before and you saying that you got married more as a way to escape the situation that you were in at the time rather than for love. I only bring this up because I noticed you mentioning that you were researching the situation and you got to thinking that it was a matter of the old "people change" thing.
Yes, as described above. But I mean, I've always liked Bobby, and love in a certain way- he is a good person. We're different from each other and that's more noticeable every day, hence the "changing" issue. He's not the same person he was when we met...his interests are changing, he does things that I'm just not into, even though he wants me to be (like, he's now saying that sports aren't worth his time, why bother with them- he LOVES sports! He spends all his free time worshipping. I pray, I do, but I don't spend my time having my eyes closed and singing worship songs (and then he says sometimes, "Would you like to worship God with me?" and I say no, because I pray when I want to- it's a private thing. Religion isn't bad, but it's taking up his life, and I'm not like that. And that's all he cares about now, so like, our interests don't match (we don't often sit down and watch movies together or whatever), and as you said:
slave2moonlight wrote:But I recommend you and all the other ladies out there try something totally new and try to find someone you have stuff in common with.
Amen to that. Yes. You have to be able to communicate with each other- if you have nothing in common, you don't have much to talk about. You need to be interested and passionate about the other person and what they do- even if you don't share their passion about football, maybe it should make you happy that they have a passion, if that makes sense.
slave2moonlight wrote:I think the issue is probably more likely what you stated before rather than a matter of changing. I don't know, I know people can change in some ways, but I always thought that was a bit of a cop-out when it came to relationships. I think it's more about realization than change, personally. Or, lack of change, since many people get married without really being "in love", just hoping that will change (or that the person they're marrying will change).
I think it's both. Now, I'm not saying that this would change everything, but if he were still the same person with the same interests and hobbies as he was when we first met, then maybe I'd feel a little differently. But he's not exactly, and I mean, our relationship was always based on friendship. He's the one who pursued me, and you know, he's not alone (so he doesn't have to get over me like he did his ex)...I know I'm not the type of person he needs to be with- he needs some awesome housewife (meaning she doesn't let the dishes and clothes hampers overflow
), who is into worshipping 24/7 and who fulfills his other needs which I won't get into on this PG forum...I'm not that person. He needs to realize that he isn't going to mold me, and why should he just settle, which is what both of us have done? He needs to realize this. And I realize that typing things he needs to realize here won't help him realize them, but when I've told him this before (when I gave him my "I don't want to be married to you anymore" speech, I did mention how he needs to find someone more comparable to him), and I guess it fell on either deaf ears or on not-wanting-to-hear-the-truth ears. Especially when you're young, the "changing" thing isn't a cop-out- are you the same person you were when you were 20? Have you matured and gotten to know yourself more? I was 20 when I got married. I've changed since I was 18, since depression and confusion led my life then, but who I am now, my interests, are very lined up with who I was prior and after that. Versus Bobby has very much been getting to know himself and what his interests and passions are. I'm still a confused person- obviously on this matter, but also on the matter of what I want to do with my life. I think that by the time you're in your mid-30s and 40s, you know yourself more and you can really get to know someone for who they are, and that's less likely to change than a young adult who is just getting to know who they are.
slave2moonlight wrote:And I mean things you're passionate about, not a handful of minor things. It annoys me so much how women who love certain things, like Disney for example, marry guys who hate it. Then, they complain that all their husband loves is football, while they hate it themselves. And so on and so forth. And those are usually unhappy relationships on deeper levels, and I think that not sharing the BIG interests is a big part of why and something that can't really be fixed.
I agree and disagree. I agree because, yes, you definitely need things in common, things you enjoy doing together. But at the same time, a lot of guys like sports, and I wouldn't not date them just due to that fact, but if that's all their life revolves around, then no, I couldn't date them. But if they enjoy watching their favorite team on the weekends, then, that's fine- I'm all into alone time- I enjoy reading and surfing the Internet and watching TV and movies alone- I have no issue with that. And I couldn't date someone who HATES Disney! I mean, he doesn't have to be all into it, but he at least has to appreciate that I like it and not think that it's kiddy stuff or something.
But it just kind of stuck!