So, I have insomnia and was super-bored and was on the LiveJournal Hanson Secrets site, and thought of this thread.
Let's see if I have anything juicier than condiment eating...
I have insomnia and am feeling open right now.
I used to cut myself a few years ago and was really depressed, and I lately I've been grateful for that experience, since I'm not necessarily happy, but I know that I'm not dumb enough to cut again.
I often think about not being married. Just walking away. I was never thrilled about getting married in the first place, and I know that it's not working, but I don't know what to do.
I feel alone. I guess I had been feeling this way for a short while, but it really hit me yesterday, when I was reading "The Time Traveler's Wife". It made me cry. I moved, all my good friends are back home in Massachusetts, and even then, we don't talk often. I know that we're there for each other, but we don't talk much. And my best friend in Florida moved back to New York, so I feel more alone than usual.
I think "What If" all the time, from "What if I went straight to college after high school like I was supposed to?" That's kind of the root of my life right now, the decisions that I made in that time period. I was not the smartest person and I guess I have regrets.
I never had an issue getting over breakups, but the guy I dated starting at the end of high school...he was The One. I wanted to marry him and have his kids. We broke up because he found out about my cutting and didn't know how to deal with it. After we had broken up, we remained friends, and he told me that he wished that we didn't break up. I had already moved on to Bobby at that point (I never took a long time between break-ups). We hung out after our break up, and I wonder how my life would be different if we had fooled around and gotten back together. I know we both wanted to. We hadn't spoken since 2006, but a few weeks ago, he IM'd me and he said that he has a daughter on the way and he's getting married. I'm very happy for him- he's a great guy- but I can't help but wonder What If. That could've been us... And why did he just IM me out of the blue? We talked for a little bit after that, but it's been a few weeks. I want to still talk with him. It's not like I'm not over him (believe me, he was a hard one to get over, but I did it), but it's just What If.
I like to cry. I mean, I don't, but I feel so much better afterwards. I don't feel comfortable enough with Bobby now to cry in front of him or to tell him how I feel. I like to just be alone and be able to cry. I hadn't been like this in a while, but lately I've just been unhappy. I also like to cry during movies, too...I guess part of it is I like to get out my emotions at the same time as crying at what's happening in the movie.
When I need to cry and contemplate, I listen to the Backstreet Boys. They've been my go-to need-to-cry band since I was 14 and "Millennium" came out- I could relate to so many of those songs then, and I can still relate to their music in a way that I can't...just the things they write about (or, well, whoever writes about) move me.
I used to have no problem making friends, but besides my good friend who moved back to New York, I haven't made a new real friend in a very, very long time. I mean, I have my church friends, and there are a couple who I can be real and honest with, but we're not BFFs. I miss haviing a BFF. Even my friends back home...like my 2 best friends...we're just in different places in our lives. We still check up on each other, but I wonder, had I not moved, would we still be as close? I mean, we always have fun when I go back home, but I guess my loneliness here puts thoughts in my head.
I love frugal shopping. I love cutting coupons and looking through the sales fliers, planning what to buy. I love seeing how much money I saved at the bottom of my receipt. It's such a thrill for me.
I daydream all the time. That goes back to the What If part of me. But I also dream at night all the time, which is something I can't control. I have multiple dreams during each night. I love it. And they're almost always good dreams, not nightmares or anything.
I don't have a touchy feely relationship with Bobby (and it kills him), and in general I don't like to be touched, but I pretty much crave it in general. Just not from him. Not from anyone in particular, but in general. I crave a passionate relationship like I used to have with guys...I can't help how I feel.
I want Bobby to find someone and fall in love with her. I know that there's a girl where he volunteers that he thinks is cute and he kind of talks about her a lot when telling me about his volunteer shift. But she has a boyfriend. But I secretly want them to hook up. And I partly feel bad about feeling this way. But I can't help how I feel.
Part of me loves not having a job, since I can sit at home at be online all day, and read books, and listen to music, and watch movies, and hang out with my dogs, and nap, but deep down, it kind of kills me that no one will hire me. I've been looking for a year and a half now, and it just eats away at my self confidence that no one has deemed me worthy of a job in that time. Also, I feel like I need my own money, in case I do need to break away and move on from the marriage. I don't always like having these thoughts, but I can't help it.
I almost have OCD when it comes to checking my fly after I go to the bathroom or when I get dressed, and to checking the doors, making sure that they're locked.
I used to watch the news in middle school & high school, and after that, I'd at least go on Yahoo News and read what's going on. I am extremely clueless when it comes to what's going on in the world now. Ignorance is bliss.
I have tattoos. I was young and stupid. They're of nothing bad or stupid, but I mean, I marked up my body; I have 7. I like them, but at the same time, I wish I didn't have them. My parents don't know about them, so whenever I visit them (or when I was still living with them), I have to make sure to wear clothing that covers them up. I feel that, if I ever am in another relationship, that it has to be with someone who thinks I'm beautiful regardless of those, or find someone to remove them at a reduced price!
Ever since I was a teenager, I wanted to have my boyfriend be "babe" or "baby", like what I call him. None of the guys I've dated have been "babe" or "baby" material. Maybe The One is my "babe" or "baby". Yes, I know that I think way too much.
Yeah, I'm quite a weird person. But I'm okay with that. Hopefully other people will write a novel on here, too, and I won't be the only one.
Insomnia is like alcohol. It makes you say things you wouldn't normally say out loud in public.
But that in itself makes me feel shallow . . . it's something I've always struggled with, I think. I'd tried so hard to not be a "typical girl," whatever that means, probably because I never felt I fit in with them. And now I want to be girly but don't really know how. So instead of being girly, I draw girly. 
