I had such a friend that I used to talk to a lot back in '06, when I was still living in Wisconsin and was leading a rather miserable existence at home. He was always one of my favorite people to chat with. We rarely talked about problems or personal issues, we mostly just chatted about a lot of fun stuff like old Disney cartoons or the latest thing on TV. He (as well as several others) became a big part of my escape from reality, in a sense. And like many of the people I hang out with (myself included), he didn't attach his real name to his handle.
I went through a lot of changes late that year. I broke up with my ex and ended up in a long-distance relationship with another friend I'd made online. I wasn't quite so miserable anymore, especially once I moved Nevada for the fresh start I'd been needing. Something that always comforted me was the fact that no matter where I moved to, my online friends would always be along for the ride. But as time passes and we get busier with our own lives, we don't always find the time to talk with our old friends as much as we used to.
Long story short, back in October I realized I hadn't seen that one friend for a while, so I left him a goofy message on one of his pages hoping for a reply. I tried again a couple months later around Christmas when I didn't hear from him, and no reply that time either. I was a little worried but figured no big deal, he was probably busy with real life stuff or was taking a break from being online. I'd check back every so often, but nothing.
When he popped in my head again earlier this week I checked all the normal haunts, and still no sign of him. I then realized it had been about half a year since I'd seen him post anything and got really worried. I recalled a youtube account he once mentioned in passing, that had no ties to the handle I knew him under. I went to that account to see if there were any signs of recent activity, and instead I stumbled across some incredibly sad and shocking news.
Comments on his videos lead me to an article from nearly six months ago about his untimely death. He was the victim of a murder-suicide, killed by his own father.
Had I not known about his other account, about his real name, I still wouldn't know what had happened to him. I'd never know, in fact. And now that I do? I'm trying my hardest to cope with the loss. It's so strange . . . I never met him, yet he definitely touched my life. He told me I was the reason he decided to start drawing again. He did so much to cheer me up back in the day, was a major influence my art and writing, and now I'm left wondering if he ever had any idea of how much I appreciated his friendship.
I was then faced with the decision on how much I should say within the communities he was active in and chose to make a simple announcement of his passing; I know he valued a certain amount of privacy and it just didn't feel right to reveal all the details due to the horrible circumstances. Those that knew him were free to ask me about the details privately.
I've lost loved ones in real life, and I feel part of the coping and grieving process is finding mementos to keep and clearing out the rest. You can't leave their rooms and closets untouched, life has to go on. But when their "rooms and closets" are online in the form of myspace pages, forum accounts, videos, and galleries, everything's just as they left it. I don't know, it's disconcerting, yet somehow comforting at the same time to see the virtual remnants left behind. People are now leaving "rest in peace" messages on his pages (myself included), perhaps one of the few forms of closure we can find in such a situation. And I don't know, maybe I'm seeking closure by writing this?
I'm also left wondering, how often does this happen? How often is death the reason some of our online friends disappear without a trace? Knowing that he's gone now, it just . . . hurts. It hurts like hell, especially considering the needless circumstances. He studied film and dreamed of being an actor. We carried a lot of inside jokes between the two of us. He was such a nice guy, bright and funny, and with this happening so long ago and so far away, I never had a chance to say goodbye.
I feel so helpless.
