For anyone that wants to vote, the link is here:
Special "Golden Girls" Marathon This Friday Honoring Estelle Getty
And here are the contenders for best Sophia episode:
"It's a Miserable Life" (Season 2)
The girls make a petition to save a 200-year-old oak tree. Everyone agrees on saving the tree, except for Frieda Claxton, the meanest lady in the neighborhood. Rose tells her that if she doesn't like the plans to save the tree, she should just drop dead. Coincidentally, Mrs. Claxton drops dead.
"Sisters" (Season 2)
For Sophia's birthday, Dorothy flies in her sister, Angela, from Sicily as a surprise. The trick soon becomes how to keep Sophia's surprise a surprise as she pulls out every trick in the book to find out. However, Dorothy's the one who's surprised when Sophia's reaction is that of disgust.
"Old Friends" (Season 3)
Sophia meets an old black man on the boardwalk and becomes quick friends with him. However, his strange behavior signals that he has a medical condition, Alzheimer's disease. Meanwhile, Blanche accidentally gives away Rose's teddy bear at a garage sale.
"My Brother, My Father" (Season 3)
Sophia's brother, Angelo, a priest, is coming to Miami for a visit and he doesn't know Dorothy and Stan are divorced. So in order to spare his feelings, Sophia convinces Dorothy and Stan to pretend to be married. Meanwhile, Rose and Blanche prepare to star in a play, "The Sound of Music."
"Old Boyfriends" (Season 7)
Sophia goes out with Marvin, a man she met through the personals, who likes moonlit nights and romantic Italian dinners and remembers when Sinatra was skinny. Marvin arrives for their date with his sister, Sarah, in tow. Due to his poor eyesight, his sibling drives him about. Wanting to be alone with Marvin after several dates, Sophia invites him to the house, where she instigates some hanky-panky. Uncomfortable, Marvin blurts out that Sarah isn’t his sister, she’s his wife! Meanwhile, Rose gets a visit from Thor Anderson of St. Olaf, who has been smitten with her since high school, but she doesn’t remember him at all.
I'm a bit upset that "The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo" (Season 4) and "Ebbtide's Revenge" (Season 6) aren't on the "Best of Sophia" list, though I hope they will be part of the marathon, along with "Long Day's Journey Into Marinara" (Season 2), "Yes, We Have No Havanas" (Season 4), "Two Rode Together" (Season 4, and it's at Walt Disney World...sort of), "Clinton Avenue Memoirs" (Season 5), "Zborn Again" (Season 6), "Room Seven" (Season 7), and "The Pope's Ring" (Season 7).
I've purposely avoided posting in this thread because it was still sinking in, and I wasn't sure how I'd take it. When I heard the news, the television was on...and coincidentally, it was airing the "Sisters" episode of "The Golden Girls". Watching it so soon was entirely heartbreaking.
After all, who couldn't love Estelle Getty and her timeless character Sophia? She had such a spark to her and always knew the right (and wrong) thing to say at any given moment. She was always my favorite character on the show (regardless if in the past I'd ever say "Oh, my favorite is Dorothy because I can identify with her the most - except for the whole knocked-up part"). Whenever I'd watch an episode (even some of the rare boring ones, and yes, some episodes of "The Golden Girls" can be boring), the highlight would always be Sophia's stories ("Picture it..."), and her one-liners ("And if I start acting like [Rose Nylund], pull the plug!").
To me, and I'm sure to many, Estelle Getty and Sophia Petrillo had become one and the same, and she was the heart and soul of "The Golden Girls". And what made her even more fun was that everyone had a Sophia in their life. There would always be a friend there who'd listen to you, give you advice, and top it off with something so hilarious that you can't help but laugh and not worry about anything anymore. Sophia Petrillo was a true pal and confidante.
Finding out she's gone just makes the world seem a little less golden (as Widdi said). Goodbye Estelle, may you rest in peace...
Sophia: Rose, I found my lucky handkerchief
Rose: Where was it?
Sophia: It was in my bra.
Rose: What was it doing in your BRA ?!!!
Sophia: I was blowing my breasts Rose!
Dorothy: Ma, you couldn't sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping so well, I thought I'd try it in the sink!
Rose: Sophia what are you doing?
Sophia: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm cleaning out my purse.
Rose: Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?
Sophia: Excuse me Rose, I haven't had sex in fifteen years and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
Sophia: I'm not leaving now it's just getting good!
Dorothy: Shady Pines Ma.
Sophia: I'm right behind you!
Blanche: This is a birthing center? Where's the equipment? Where's the doctor?
Sophia: Yeah, she'd be better off having the baby in your bedroom, at least you have stirrups.
Blanche (in very sexy lingerie): Hi Fidel!
Sophia: (to Blanche) Beat it you 50 year old mattress!
Blanche: I just hate you. I regret the day I let you move in here!
Sophia: And I regret the day I gave birth to you!
Dorothy: Ma! Ma! I’m your daughter!
Sophia: Now that he's packing material you're going to let me have him? I've got coat racks livelier than him! She's giving him to me, he's dead and she's giving him to me! A piece of lumber would make a better dance partner! Thanks for the Edsel!
Dorothy: What happened?
Blanche: She shot my vase!
Sophia: Thank god, I hated that thing.
Dorothy: What are you doing shooting? Are you crazy?
Rose: I heard a noise I thought it was the robbers.
Sophia: I lived 80, 81 years I survived war, pneumonia, 2 operations. One night I'll belch and "Stable Mabel" here will blow my head off !!!
(later)
Blanche: Just save any large pieces you can find, Sophia. I can glue it back together.
Sophia: (while hiding pieces in plants and her purse) You bet, whatever I find. I loved that vase.
Sophia(to Rose):You're a lot smarter than people give you credit for. You've got common sense and you know what you're doing. (turns to Blanche):You're a slut.
Blanche: Listen did you hear that sound?
Sophia: Yeah and as long as I'm in my own bed I'll do what I want.
Blanche: Now I know why Hemingway killed himself, oh girls I have writer’s block- it is the worst feeling in the world!
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: You just keep sitting there and sitting there.
Sophia: Tell me about it.
(Dorothy and Blanche are mistakenly labeled as lesbians on a talk show)
Sophia: This question is for Dorothy’s lover. Do people treat you differently because you’re a lesbian?
Blanche: Well…most people don’t even know!
Sophia: Huh, I’d have guessed right off. This one’s for Dorothy. What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?
Dorothy: I really don't know but I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at THE HOME.
Sophia: No more questions.
(The Girls' air-conditioner broke down and Sophia is standing in front of the refrigerator while exposing herself)
Dorothy: Ma what the hell are you doing??
Sophia: I'm giving the left-over meatloaf a thrill- what do you think, it's hot as hell in here!
Dorothy: Well close it before the food spoils.
Sophia: Okay! (covers herself)
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator!
Dorothy: I just thought pop didn’t like me. like he didn’t love me.
Sophia: he loved you, in fact he said "Anyone would want a daughter like this".....of course he was saying it to the gypsies.
Dorothy: Do you have any idea how much that hurts me when you say things like that?
Sophia: No, when I'm dead, drop me a note.
(Sophia walks in the kitchen wearing very dark sunglasses.)
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison. Ma, I know you can't see out of those!
Sophia: Are you kidding? I can see just fine. (Motions to Blanche.) Who's the black guy?
(later)
Blanche: I still can’t believe I’m part Jewish!
Sophia: Oh, the black guy is prejudiced!
Sophia: Ow!
Dorothy: What is it, ma?
Sophia: Pain!
Dorothy: What kind of pain?
Sophia: The kind that hurts!
[Sophia is in a grocery store at the fruit counter.]
Sophia: Haven't you got any decent nectarines?
Clerk: You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!
Sophia: Yeah? Then try kissing my behind! It's a real peach!
(Rose is separating eggs and putting the yolks in a zip-lock bag)
Sophia: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: I'm making omelets without the egg yolks to cut down on cholesterol, but then I'm left with all these yolks that I don't want to throw away--so I'm giving them to the homeless.
Sophia: Fine, give them to the homeless. They'll have heart attacks; they won't need homes. Rose, your heart is in the right place, but I don't know where the hell your brain is.
Blanche: Mel and I were meant to be together.
Sophia: But your thighs weren't.
Blanche: I won't stand for this (she gets up and starts to walk out)
Sophia: Take it, Dorothy!
Dorothy: But I'll bet you'll lie down for it!
Dorothy: Ma, I waited up until 2 in the morning for you, and you still weren't home.
Sophia: Oh yeah, me and Gertie went over to Wulfie's to pick up guys.
Dorothy: I called Wulfie's. You weren't there.
Sophia: Guess who got lucky.
Dorothy: Oh God!
Dorothy: Ma, I still can't believe what you were doing on the Interstate!
Sophia: I was living for the day, pussycat.
Dorothy: You were mooning a chain gang!
Sophia: And did you see the smiles on their faces? They probably haven’t seen a woman in years!
Dorothy: I guess not, you know they kept us with us through four warning shots.
Sophia: Dreyfuss is gone.
Blanche: He ran away?
Sophia: No, we had a falling out and agreed to a trial separation.
Sophia: Oh boy we're going to a sperm bank. I wonder if they have a drive-up window?
Dorothy: Four women live in this house. The toilet seat never has to move. You always manage to make it bang.
Sophia: Forgive me, sweetheart. Why don't you just get me a litterbox to keep next to my nightstand.
Dorothy: He should have been here a half hour ago.
Blanche: According to the rules of etiquette, you should never wait more than twenty minutes for a date.
Sophia: She's already waited six months for a date. What's another half hour?
Rose: Sophia, is that a Captain Jack's Seafood Shandee Uniform your wearing?
Sophia: No, Rose. I'm off to discover the straits of Magellan. Yo ho!
Dorothy: Well, Mr. Pffifer . . .
Mr. Pfifer: That's P-ffifer. The p is not silent.
Dorothy: Well, uh, Mr. Pfifer, uh, we're interested in arranging a funeral.
Mr. Pfifer (to Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche): Isn't that lovely. The three of you planning ahead for Mother.
Sophia: Hey, uh, Pfifier, how would you like a punch in your pface!
Rose: The funeral is for a neighbor.
Mr. Pfifer: Oh, well, my condolences.
Dorothy: No, there's no need. We didn't like her.
Blanche: In fact the whole neighborhood despised her.
Mr. Pfifer: I see, well how did she pass on?
Sophia: She killed her. (Points to Rose).
Mr. Pfifer: Rough neighborhood.
Blanche: Girls, how does this dress look on me?
Sophia: What's the difference? In half an hour it'll be crumpled up on the floor next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
Dorothy: Ma, where have you been?
Sophia: I always believe that when you're in a hospital, you should go around and cheer the other patients up.
Dorothy: Ma, that's so nice.
Sophia: Yeah, so I went upstairs to Geriatrics and sang "Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better".
Blanche: I am abhorred.
Sophia: We know what you are Blanche. I'm glad to finally hear you admit it.
Blanche: Sophia, I said abhorred.
Sophia: Abhorred, a slut, a tramp. It's all the same.
Sophia: What's the number of the police station?
Rose: Is there anything wrong Sophia?
Sophia: Nah, I just want to find out where I can buy the best donuts.
Sophia: Who's this?
Rose: Holly this is . . .
Holly: Oh, wait now Rose let me. She's fiesty, zesty, and full of Old World charm: Sophia.
Sophia: She's mopey, dopey, and full of crap: Rose's sister.
Sophia: I'm settling my estate.
Dorothy: What estate? Your bus pass and loofah sponge?
Sophia: Why is it that every time someone visits, I have to sleep with Dorothy? Why do I get the short end of the stick?
Dorothy: Because you ARE the short stick.
Dorothy: Get back here you little old Sicilian gecko!
Sophia: I wuv you!
Dorothy: Too wittle too wate!
Rose (to Baby the pig): There you are, you get in this kitchen and eat your slop before I spank that little pig fanny.
Sophia: All right. I'm going, I'm going. Oh, sorry. That's the way they used to call us for dinner at the home.
Sophia: Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
Dorothy: They’re in your mouth Ma.
Sophia: I know that. Don't they look good today? I ran them through the dishwasher.
Sophia (to Greta): Is it true what they say about black men in bed?
Blanche: Oh, yes definitely. Oh . . . yes definitely that is something I would like to know about too.
Dorothy: Well, I can understand that. I mean women like me don't grow on trees.
Sophia: Too bad! We could use the shade!
Dorothy: Even if he never calls again, at least we'll always have Don's Crab House.
Sophia: Ingrid Bergman had Paris, my pussycat has crabs.
Dorothy: Ma, I said I was sorry.
Sophia: The least you can do when we're going to see a movie is say it's a foreign film.
Dorothy: What is the big deal?
Sophia: I had to stand in front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me.
Sophia: Picture it. Morocco. The 30's.
Rose: The 1930's?
Sophia: No 30 degress. Do I look like Willard Scott.?
Dorothy: Why did I ever marry that man?
Sophia: Because he knocked you up!
Dorothy: Why did I ever let this happen?
Sophia: Because he got you drunk!
Dorothy: Why am I even discussing this with you?
Sophia: Beats the hell outta me!
Charlie's Army Buddy: Rose Nylund?
Sophia: No, and if I ever start acting like her pull the plug!
Blanche: Who knows my body better than I do?
Sophia: Any man in Miami not attached to a woman or a respirator.
Dorothy: Ma, if you couldn't see, why didn't you call me to come get you.
Sophia: I tried to but every time I put in a dime and dial a condom popped out. I got five in my pocket, here. A lifetime supply.
Rose: Do the minks really have to be killed?
Sophia: No, Rose, many women like wearing coats that urinate.
Sophia (she lost her glasses and can’t see): Oh, my God. That’s the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.
Dorothy: Ma, it’s a pig!
Sophia: Hey, you were not great looking when I brought you home from the hospital.
Dorothy: Ma, are you awake?
Sophia: Is it morning already?
Dorothy: No ma. I have a question for you. What would you do if you found out one of your children was..gay?
Sophia: I know you don't get many dates, but stick with what you know.
(later)
Dorothy: Ma, Jean thinks she's in love with Rose.
Sophia: (starts laughing)
Dorothy: Ma, it's not funny.
Sophia: The hell it's not. Jean in love with Little Miss Muffit, come on!
Dorothy: Mr. Gordon is probably over seventy by now. He’s practically ancient.
Sophia: Seventy is ancient? If I met a man that age who looked half way decent I’d be on my back before you could "I’ve fallen and I can’t get up."
Dorothy: I only have half of the 2500 and since I don’t qualify for a bank loan I’m just going to have to sell some of my stuff.
Sophia: Hold it! No daughter of mine is selling her stuff. It’s a sin, it’s a crime, and let’s face it, Dorothy, lately you can’t give it away.
Dorothy: Ma, I’m talking about selling some of my belongings!
Sophia: I am not incompetent, once I laughed too hard, I had a little accident.
Rose: Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?
(Sophia opens her trenchcoat and flashes Rose)
Sophia: You tell me Rose.
Dorothy: Ma!
Rose: Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?
Dorothy: Listen, Ma, we cannot afford a new t.v. We’re using the household money to repair the roof and repave the driveway.
Sophia: Great and what am I supposed to do while every other old lady on the block is watching Cosby?
Dorothy: Well, you can sit in the new driveway and hope that an amusing black family drops by.
Rose: What’s the matter Sophia? You couldn’t sleep either?
Sophia: No, I was sleeping great Rose. I just wanted to show off my pajamas.
Blanche: I treat my body like a temple.
Sophia: Yeah, open to everyone. Day or night.
Dorothy: Your blood pressure is up, your tired, and you absolutely have no color.
Sophia: I’m an old white woman. I’m not supposed to have color.
(Sophia breaks Dorothy's watch trying to do a magic trick.) Dorothy: Ma! Stan gave me that watch when we got married!
Sophia: Well, the marriage never worked, why should the watch?
Sophia (to Rose, Blanche, and Dorothy): What are you doing?
Rose: We’re having a group hug.
Sophia: Well, knock it off. The neighbors will get the wrong idea.
Dorothy: Blanche, what exactly makes you think he's your man?
Sophia: Who?
Blanche: Maybe the fact that I found him first.
Sophia: Who?
Rose: What about the fact that he dumped you for me?
Sophia: Who?
Dorothy: Laszlo, Ma.
Sophia: Who's Laszlo?
Rose: A Hungarian artist we've all been posing nude for.
Sophia: In the future, a simple "None of your business Sophia" will suffice.
Dorothy: Ma, I'm taking the dress back to the mall.
Sophia: So?
Dorothy: So I'm sorry for what I said earlier, and I'd really like it if you came along and helped me pick out another one. What do you say?
Sophia: What do I say? I'm your mother Dorothy! I was there for you when you needed a communion dress, I was there for you when you needed a prom dress, I was there for you when you needed a wedding dress and frankly, I'm sick of it. Buy your own damn dress!
Rose: I remember the last time I tried to give a speech. I was in high school. You want to hear about it.
Blanche: Would you follow us if we tried to make a run for it.
Rose: Yes. (Rose tells her story)
Sophia: Next time I say we try to out run her.
Blanche (to Dorothy and Sophia when she is showing them the house for the first time): This is the lanai. It is wonderful in the summertime especially if you like to sunbathe with your top off.
Dorothy: Oh, really, really and the neighbors can’t see in?
Blanche: Oh, sure they can.
Sophia: The woman has ‘slut’ embroidered on her underwear.
Blanche: Why, Derek! Did I just hear you ask me on a date?
Sophia: (standing near the kitchen door) Are you deaf, I heard it from hear?!
Blanche: This heat's driving me crazy.
Repair Man: You're not the only one- the old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear.
Dorothy: There's no old lady living------MA!
(Dorothy bites into a chocolate)
Sophia: What'd you get?
Dorothy: I'm not sure, it tastes like coconut, and it's white, but there's a red ring around the outside.
Sophia: Oh, yeah! That's my lipstick. I don't like coconut.
(later)
Dorothy: Have another chocolate, ma. Your doctor was just kidding when he said you have high blood pressure.
Dorothy: If I had lived with Stan before we got married, it would have saved me from some painful memories, and a bitter divorce!
Sophia: And you might possibly have given birth to reasonably attractive children.
Dorothy: Ma, I absolutely forbid you to drive a car!
Sophia: Oooh, look Dorothy... I'm shaking!
Dorothy: Ma, I don't snore!
Sophia: Please, I had to turn you away from the window so you don't inhale the drapes!
Rose: It's terrible, just terrible! I am so upset.
Dorothy: Rose, Rose, honey, sit down sweetheart, tell us all about it. Ma, would you get Rose some water?
Sophia: What is she going to do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say: "Thank god, the water's here?" Call me when dinner is ready
Sophia: We're out of pepperoni. I'm starving and we're out of pepperoni.
Blanche: I'm sorry Sophia, honey, would you like celery stuffed with cottage cheese?
Dorothy: Look Ma, you don't have to make excuses, if you don't want chicken, just say "I don't want chicken."
Sophia: I don't want chicken.
Dorothy: Good.
Sophia: It repeats on me. I want pepperoni.
Dorothy: Blanche, would you like some pepperoni?
Blanche: Oh none for me. I’m having a vegetable plate. You probably haven't noticed it, but I put on 3 pounds.
Sophia: On each side.
Rose: I don't drink before bed time. I stop all liquids at noon and I still wake up.
Sophia: I never have that problem, never. I sleep like a log. I never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I go in the morning. Every morning like clockwork at 7 A.M. I pee. Unfortunately, I don't wake up til 8.
Blanche: And this is Sophia.
Harry: Well you must be Blanche’s sister.
Sophia: You must be blind.
Blanche: Sophia's home just burned down.
Harry: Oh that's terrible.
Sophia: Not to me, it was a retirement home. Do you know what they do? They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers. The other half can't get out of their chairs. They got bells going off like crazy. Do you know what that does to hearts that only beats a few times a week? It's not pretty.
Blanche: I think maybe we should be going.
Harry: It was lovely meeting you all.
Dorothy: Lovely meeting you too...have a good time.
(They leave)
Sophia: The man is a scuzball.
Sophia: Alright, alright, I can take a hint. Picture it...
Dorothy: Ma, you're not gonna tell a story are you?
Sophia: No, I'm gonna do shadow puppets. (does one) See..an elephant eating a peanut. Of course I'm gonna tell a story.
Rose: I don't understand.
Sophia: You should have that printed on a t-shirt.
Dorothy: You stole the pope's ring?
Sophia: Hey this is my shot at getting into the bible.
Dorothy: Ma, the bible is a done deal. Something so old and rich in history, it even makes you look middle aged.
Blanche: The pope is coming here? Oh what will I wear? I don't have a thing that doesn't draw attention to my bosom.
Sophia: Try not wearing make up.
Sophia: Dorothy, I don't like you being taken advantage of. At least when Blanche does it, it's good for tourism.
Blanche: I have a question and I want you to think long and hard before giving me an answer. Am I ugly?
Sophia: (Instantly) Yes.
Blanche: I mean, I've always thought of myself as ravishing. But, is something changing? Is there all of a sudden something disgusting and unattractive about me?
Sophia: (Instantly) Yes.
Blanche: Now cut it out you old worm woman!
Rose: Jeweler? Jewish? I wonder if there's a connection.
Sophia: I think there's a connection between your brain and wallpaper paste.
Sophia: Maybe the paper boy is right. I'm just a mean old lady!
Dorothy (to Sophia after she has been caught kissing Miles): It was just a little kiss!
Sophia: Little kiss?! I haven't seen that much face-eating since Silence of the Lambs!
(Rose running video camera)
Sophia : Dorothy, my child, I've made your favorite breakfast!
Dorothy: Lasagna in meat sauce?
Sophia : And just think , for 5.99 you can have the recipe , too !
Dorothy : turn off the camera, Rose!
Rose : Hey, only the director can do that (Dorothy gives her a look) Unless the person is big , .. and scary.
Dorothy : Ma, why do you look like someone who escaped from "It's a small world after all?
Sophia : All the great chefs had exposure :Mama Celeste, Chef Boyardee and Chef Valducci.
Rose : I don't remember Chef Valducci.
Sophia : Oh, yeah , he had indecent exposure. he really should have the stuffed the Cannoli in the traditional manner.
Blanche: Sophia, if you're going to live under my roof, you're going to live under my rules!
Sophia: Ah, live under this!
Blanche: I tried giving up sex.
Dorothy: I guess you fell off the wagon.
Sophia: And on to a naval base!!
Michael: Grandma, this isn't what it looks like.
Sophia: Please! I'm 80 years old! I may not remember what it feels like, but I sure as hell remember what it looks like!!!
Sophia:My heinie's asleep.
Dorothy:Fine,we'll keep our voices down.
Dorothy: Ma. what are you doing?
Sophia: Filling sandbags Dorothy, there’s a hurricane a-coming!
Dorothy:A-coming!?!
Sophia:That's right. People only use the "a" when a really big storm is a-coming or a-brewing, so grab a sack and start a-shoveling!
Dorothy:Ma. there is no hurricane a-coming
Sophia: Don't patronize me!
Dorothy: I'm not patronizing you I'm a-mocking you!
Dorothy: Ma I think I look pretty damn good tonight is it necessary for you to constantly put me down?
Sophia: You're right Dorothy from now on I'm going to be a more supportive mother...you look nice tonight, you look a lot nicer than her for instance.
Dorothy: Thanks Ma by the way that's a man.
Rose: Thanks for bringing the boys over, Dreyfus! (Dreyfus runs out the front door followed by three of his puppies)
Rose: I sure like it when Dreyfus brings the boys over. We do have fun playing 'fetch'
Sophia: That's because you bring the stick to THEM!
Rose: Dorothy you’re the smart one, and Blanche you’re the sexy one, and Sophia you’re the old one. I’m the nice one. Everybody always likes me.
Sophia: The old one isn’t so crazy about you.
Rose: I'm not one to blow my own vertubbenfluggen.
Sophia: I can't even reach mine!
Sophia: Salvador was the village idiot. He also had a hearing problem. So one day he went to the town gypsy to get some ear salve. But he didn’t hear the directions right, so he put it in his linguini instead.
Dorothy: I guess if you have a hearing problem, you’d do that sort of thing.
Sophia: No, the people loved it. So Salvador put it on the menu. But “Spaghetti with Ear Salve” wasn’t very appealing to anyone. But once he changed the name to Pesto Sauce, it flew like hotcakes.
Dorothy: You’re making this up, Ma.
Sophia: Hey, I’m old. Who says I can’t be colorful?
Sophia: (singing) Thanks for the Medicare. For Blue Cross and Blue Shield. For a hip that finally healed. And remember for prescriptions, generic is a steal. We thank you so much. (song ends). Ok, tell me what you think, I can take the criticism.
Blanche: Depressing.
Dorothy: Awful.
Rose: Stinky.
Sophia: Go to hell, all of you!
Sophia: Arrested for prostitution, I don't believe it!
Rose: Sophia, we're innocent!
Sophia: I know that, I can't believe those dumb cops would believe someone would pay money to sleep with you!
(The girls are deciding who should keep their ticket)
Blanche: I won the tickets!
Dorothy: It's my mother that's bailing us out!
Rose: I lost Butter Queen, haven't I suffered enough?!
(later, the girls still won't give up one of the tickets to Sophia)
Officer: Are your roommates here, Mrs. Petrillo?
(Sophia snatches the tickets [to see Burt Reynolds] from Dorothy’s hand).
Sophia: They're not here.
Dorothy: Ma!
Sophia: Don’t “Ma” me, you cheap floozy!
Dorothy: Ma, you would do this to your own flesh and blood?!.
Sophia: You’ll get over it, Dorothy. And if you don’t…who cares, I’m on my way to see Burt Reynolds!!
Rose: I just found out I’m the most boring person in the world!
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
Rose: Darn, I hate fog!
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one.
Sophia: It’s nice bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: That must be the slogan for the St. Olaf Telephone Company.
Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore!
Dorothy Zbornak: Hi, ma. Where are you going?
Sophia Petrillo: To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.
Blanche: We just rented that movie Aliens, it scared us half to death.
Sophia: I found it scary too. That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
Stan: Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.
Sophia: Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both lying.
Sophia: Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see
Ishtar, woof!
Al: Can you cook?
Sophia: Are you black?
Dorothy: Merry Christmas Rose, Merry Christmas Blanche.
Rose: Merry Christmas Dorothy, Merry Christmas Blanche.
Blanche: Merry Christmas Rose-
Sophia: What are we, The Waltons?
Dorothy: Stanley, what possessed you?
Stan: I loved that car. All the memories we had in that car, huh? The cruising, the drive-in, the road trips.
Sophia: And don’t forget the accident you had in that car.
Stan: What accident?
Sophia: I’ll give you a hint: it costs me 10 bucks every Christmas and still calls me Grandma.
Dorothy: Look, I am not going to get a hearing aid and that’s all there is to it.
Blanche: But Dorothy, you’re the one who’s been talking about aging with dignity.
Dorothy: I really don’t want to hear this, okay?
Sophia: Good News, you can’t.
Sophia: Isn’t it good to be back in the old neighbourhood, Dorothy? Watching the kids play stickball on the corner?
Dorothy: Ma, they were beating a man.
Man: Excuse me, can I get your attention please? I’d like to clear the air.
Sophia: Don’t look at me, I haven’t had a raw vegetable in six months.
Sophia: Oh, Ma doesn’t get a say. It doesn’t matter what Ma things. Ma’s a piece of furniture, who has no feelings or opinions.
Dorothy: Nonsense, my little hat rack.
Sophia: Well I’m not playing Dorothy. Although playing a sap on stilts would be a cakewalk. No offense, pussycat.
Dorothy: None taken, you cankerous little prune!
Dorothy: I think I see now, what happened. Last evening at dinner, when Miss McGlin saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse-
Sophia: Big deal, I took a whole place setting.
Dorothy: Not now, Ma!
Dorothy: I think Blanche is handling this a lot better than I would. I would kill Gloria if she ever wrote about my sexual escapades.
Sophia: You’d kill your sister over a pamphlet?
Blanche: What’d she say?
Woman’s son: She said she wants to thank you for your gracious welcome.
Sophia: Oh my Italian must really be rusty. I could swear she asked if she was a street walker.
Blanche: Oh, but now there’s more at stake. Everything’s changed. It’s all new and exciting. In many ways, I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.
Sophia: You mean the feeling isn’t gonna last long.
Rose: It’s like life is a giant weenie roast, and I’m the biggest weenie.
Sophia: No argument from this corner.
Sophia: If you have to go out tomorrow, make sure those crybabies don’t call during The Young and the Restless.
Dorothy: Maybe I should look up one of my old flames.
Sophia: Yeah, but not Stan, the other one.
(Dorothy’s stand-up routine fails to get any laughs in the beginning)
Sophia: You’re dying! Ask where we’re from!
Dorothy: That was my mother, the incredible shrinking woman.
(Dorothy thinks Sophia should tell Rose that she pretended to be Charlie)
Dorothy: Remember Shady Pines?
Sophia: Yeah, it wasn’t so bad.
Dorothy: I hear they sold it to some Germans. (Sophia gets up quickly)
Sophia: Rose? Rose, Sweetheart, Rose!
Sophia: I need some advice, Rose.
Rose: And you are asking me?
Sophia: Frightening isn't it?
Dorothy: Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...
Sophia: Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night!
Rose: Did you know they have an egg named after you Blanche?
Blanche: Oh really? How is it prepared?
Sophia: Over easy.
Sophia: I can't believe I have a daughter who threw a priest out the door!
Dorothy: Ma, you have relatives that throw priests out of windows!!
Sophia: Bruno Bonafiglio! Picture It...Sicily. The Chianti has a green hue and tastes like Desinex. They call in Sicily's foremost Podiatrist, Bruno Bonafiglio. He's the one who prescribed arch supports for Musslini.
Dorothy: Must've really helped his back when they hung him from his heels!
Sophia: Forget him! I'm talkin about Bruno Bonafiglio! I take one look at him and I have a hunch that he's trouble. But nobody believes me. So what happens? He cures everybody and wine sales skyrocket.
Dorothy: Wait, wait, wait, Ma. Unless I'm missing something, your hunch was wrong!
Sophia: My hunches are never wrong! Now, everyone is living high on the heart and eating rich foods. The next thing you know, there's a gout epidemic, nobody can stomp grapes! And Bruno makes a killing selling orthapedic sandals.
Dorothy: Now don't tell me, he went to America and changed his name to Dr. Scholl?!
Sophia: No, actually he developed a foot fetish and suffocated whenever he shoved his head into a ladies rubber boot.
Sophia: ...and I just realized I haven't showered with a man in 22 years.
Dorothy: Ma, Pop has been dead for 27 years.
Sophia: What's your point?
Rose: I understand what you mean, Sophia. You've been showering with a dead man for 5 years.
Sophia: When I turn my hearing-aid up to ten, I can hear a canary break wind in Lauderdale!
[Dorothy and Sophia come home after Sophia's best friend's funeral]
Sophia: Well, I guess Phyllis Glutman will be my new best friend.
Dorothy: I thought you hated Phyllis Glutman.
Sophia: I do, but at the rate my friends are going, I won't have to spend too much time with her.
Sophia: Dorothy, why don't we bond?
Dorothy: We're from before bonding and quality time.
Blanche: Is it okay to sleep with a man on the first date?
Sophia: It's a sin. I don't care what anyone says, it's a sin. But I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if his holiness gave that one the green light.
Rose [enters from the kitchen with a pan in her hands]: Do you want to see my vanskap kaka?
Sophia: As long as I don't have to show you mine.
Blanche: Mel makes me feel young and beautiful and special. When we're together we laugh a lot.
Sophia: Why wouldn't you, you're both naked.
Sophia: When I feel bad, I have to take my mind off it. There's only one thing that does that to me.
Dorothy: Cooking a big meal...
Sophia: No, making love in a closet.
Rose [on St. Olaf]: Ned was sort of the town idiot.
Sophia: When, on your days off?
Rose [entering cheerfully]: Sooo, who's the luckiest girl in the history of the world!
Sophia: Well, it wasn't your mother.
Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?
Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water.
Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women.
Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I can't believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.
Dorothy: Come on, Ma, let's go out on the lanai.
Sophia: No, I think I'll just stay here.
Dorothy: Shady Pines, Ma.
Sophia: You're bluffing.
Dorothy: The west wing.
Sophia: I'm right behind you, pussycat!
Sophia: Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy! – And so are you, in anything backless.
Blanche: Why, Rose, that's the law of the jungle!
Sophia: Thank you, Sheena, queen of the slut people.
Rose: You know, Sophia, your problem at work reminds me of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Please. Dust reminds you of something that happened back in St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Well, if someone asked me to sail around the world with him, I'd say yes.
Sophia: Sail around the world? Please, you can't even get someone to ask you for a date. Sail around the world. Yeah, like there's a long line of men standing on the –
Dorothy: ALRIGHT, Ma!
[Sophia enters the kitchen]
Dorothy: Ma, have you finished mailing those invitations yet?
Sophia: I just wanted a drink of water, all that stamp licking dries me out!
Rose: Why don't you use a sponge?
Sophia: Nah, I feel more comfortable drinking out of a glass.
[A game of Scrabble]
Dorothy: Ma, 'disdam' is not a word.
Sophia: It certainly is!
Dorothy: Okay, prove it, use it in a sentence.
Sophia: You're no good at disdam game.
Sophia [about her late husband Sal]: May he rest in peace till I get there.
[Rose is moving out, wanting to 'eat life', after a near-death-experience]
Sophia: Rose, before you go I want to give you a little advice. Sometimes in life you start out down one path. Suddenly the wind changes direction and you find yourself swimming upstream, looking for new horizons.
Dorothy: Ma, what the hell does that mean?!
Sophia: Don't get smart with me. If I was a short bald guy in a diaper spouting this gibberish, I'd be running India.
Blanche: Is that all you Italians know how to do, scream and hit?
Sophia: No, we can also cook, sing opera, and make love.
Rose: Penny for your thoughts, Sophia.
Sophia: You're stupid, and that's on the house.
Sophia: Picture it, Sardinia 1945...
Blanche: But I thought all these stories of yours took place in Sicily?
Sophia: Can't a person go away for the weekend?!
Sophia [to Rose]: There's nothing to fear but fear itself... And of course the boogeyman.
[Stan enters the kitchen]
Stan: Hey girls, you really should keep that back door locked, any idiot could walk in.
Sophia: Any idiot just did.
Sophia [talking to a doctor after being informed that Dorothy's illness may be mental]: Well, let me tell you something, Mr. hundred percent tip-top mental. My daughter may not be a spring chicken, and her jaw may crack when she chews, and she may have noticable trouble digesting raw vegetables, but the one thing she's not, is mental!
[Rose told Dorothy that Blanche's brother Clayton is hiding he's gay]
Sophia: Why won't you tell me, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Because it's none of your business, Ma.
Sophia: Fine. But you can't keep a secret from Sophia Petrillo. Whatever it is, I can find it out with a few quick questions.
Clayton [walks into the kitchen]: Hello, ladies.
Sophia: So, Clayton, what do you think of this Miami weather so far?
Clayton: I think it's lovely.
Sophia: I see... Have you ever been to Europe?
Clayton: No, but it's always been a dream of mine.
Sophia: Okay... How many fingers am I holding up?
Clayton: Two.
Sophia: Okay, you can go in the living room now.
[After Clayton left the kitchen]
Sophia: The man is as gay as a picnic basket!
Dorothy: Ma, that's incredible! How did you know?
Sophia: I heard him singing in the shower. He's the only man who knows all the words to 'Send in the Clowns'.
[Sophia and Dorothy are in bed together because there is company]
Sophia [coughing]: Dorothy, do you have a cough drop?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: A hard candy?
Dorothy: No.
Sophia: A throat lozenge?
Dorothy: Does it say K-mart on the back of my night gown?
Sophia: Actually it does, you cheap skate!
And perhaps the funniest words Sophia never spoke...
Rebecca: I was artificially inseminated. It's not like I slept with every man in town.
(Sophia's about to speak up)
Dorothy: Cheesecake, ma?
(Dorothy immediately puts a bite in Sophia's mouth)
Blanche: I have a reputation in this town.
Dorothy (to Sophia):Chew it carefully, Ma. Like they taught you at
Shady Pines.
(Sophia chews on her own without saying anything)
Albert
