What Complete Season Set Did You Just Watch?

[TheSequelOfDisney]

The Complete Third Season of Lost. Well, let's just say that it was amazing. I had forgotten everything that had happened in Season 3 and now that I'm caught up, a few more things make sense with what we now know in Season 6. Of course, I need a refresher on all of the seasons, but I realized that I didn't remember anything at all from this season. It was rather excellent.

[Barbossa]

Just finished watching the complete first season of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Great show! Never saw it when it aired. I got all four movies on DVD and wanted to complete my Terminator collection so I picked it up. It's too bad it didn't go past 2 seasons. Looking forward to watching season 2.

[Lazario]

I thought all throughout that first episode that Ken Marino's character was just going to drive me crazy. That he was going to stop me from getting into this show. Now that season 1 is over and I've seen it all, the story has him leaving the title business and I can't imagine the show working without him. By that high school reunion episode, I grew to really see my own pathetic visions of a failed life in him despite how stupidly optimistic and insane he is. Also, he just reminds me of that guy from the summer camp in that episode of Daria - Skip. Who has to have everything go by the rules and everyone be a joiner to be a winner and a good team player. I said, didn't Daria do this 8 years ago? Then, you have all those like mockumentary comedy movies where all the people in the competition are struggling for attention. Here, almost everyone in the title catering business are wannabe or failed actors, writers, musicians, or comedians. And so some of them desperately dog the people they're serving to read them or consider them for something. That doesn't lead to the best moments. I dreaded that that's what the show was going to be. An attempt to be those movies in television form. And I saw other shows try to be like Curb Your Enthusiasm. Like Fat Actress. They fail miserably. But I kept my mind open for this anyway.

Speaking of the mockumentary movies, Jennifer Coolidge (Legally Blonde, American Pie) is a huge star of that genre. She's been in them all. And she steps in to take over Jane Lynch's part and... Lynch is another person I can't see this show working without. While I'm sitting there watching the 4 main young characters not knowing the actors and trying to get a feel on whether I like their characters, I know I like Jane Lynch. Her chemistry with the blond prettyboy character was the only thing initially I found interesting about him. She was a middle-aged woman with no idea that she was older at all and he's meant to be a blond version of Ashton Kutcher. And they had a real friendship, he even was sensitive about her being mocked by someone very close to who he is and his sense of humor. The best moments of the show are all surprises. Like that, which was a surprise to me. And the wedding episode. One shock after another. Pretty much guaranteeing a season 2. Which I understand is going on TV as I write this. And the end of that 10th episode is building up to a lot. Season 2, even if it's the last one, had better deliver. But without Jane Lynch, I can no longer see a reason to keep the blond guy. Other than his sorta-rivalry with elitist Sci-Fi jerk, Roman. Who's actually pretty funny though he's a complete jerk.

One of the truly confusing things about the series is the "casual" romance / sex between the two leads. So you have to take that as a casual source of humor in any given episode story. Sometimes it leads to huge laughs. Like Roman's "you don't shit where you eat" speech and the pancake sex scene in the car. Their dialogue is mind-boggling to me. Especially in the gangster episode. You can never tell if they're being serious or not. This led to a huge laugh in the motivational speaker episode. One of the best scenes has to be the ball tossing moment. Which reminded me immediately of a scene from The Office (not sure if it was carried over into the U.S. version). I'm not sure if that was an inspiration on this series but I never saw anything there as funny as this scene. The high school reunion episode really filled any sense of vindication I might have felt after recently watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. It obviously lacked gloss but it also showed the snooty high school girl as being more human and vulnerable. The girls I remember being like that in my school were not nearly the type of this girl. In fact, this girl here is more like the daddy's girl type. The snooty girls from my high school were the potheads. The girls who didn't do so well in school. The mommy's girls, in fact. Off-topic though that was - a surprisingly great show that gave me more than I expected.

[PeterPanfan]

Thanks for the review, Laz! I saw the first episode and really enjoyed it, and will be checking out the rest soon.

Also, the main girl you're talking about is actually Lizzy Caplan, who played Janis Ian in Mean Girls.

[Lazario]

Oh, actually I was talking about the character they introduce just for the High School Reunion episode. She's in her 30's and was a classmate of another character on the show.

Yeah, you should definitely return to the show if you like Lizzy Caplan. She's one of the best players in the cast. And always keeps it fresh and entertaining.

[dvdjunkie]

Finished watching Season Six of NCIS and Season 10 of JAG.

This week will be starting to watch Season Seven of CSI: Miami.

I really like TV on DVD.

Finished watching my complete Monkees Collection for the second time. That was one of my favorite shows, and still ranks up there pretty high.

[Goliath]

@ DisneyFreak:

About Six Feet Under: I was very enthusiastic about this show when I watched the first season on tv, and later on dvd, but I was really turned off by season 2. I don't know what exactly happened there, but all the cynical humor of the first season seemed gone and the excellent drama seemed to be replaced by cheap soap-opera-like storylines, up to the point that I didn't even care anymore what would happen to some characters (especially Brenda). How do you feel about the transition from season 1 to season 2? And how does season 3 hold up against season 2? I stopped buying the show on dvd after my disappointment with the second season, but I can't help but ebing a bit curious nonetheless about how the Fishers went on after that...

It's not technically a tv show on dvd... but in the last month, I've enjoyed watching the complete seasons 4 and 5 of Frasier on YouTube. I had almost forgotten how much I liked that show, and how funny and clever it was.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone


(Quick note: Dig That Cat aired as the 3rd episode but the special effects team did the Crypt Keeper segments for this episode first, so this is the only episode of the 1st season that starts out with the Crypt Keeper saying, "Welcome," while the other 2 first episodes just start with him talking about the story, this is the episode that introduces the 'Keeper to the viewer, so it's only right for it to go first)

Plot:
Homeless bum Ulric suddenly becomes a wealthy carnival superstar, known as "Ulric the Undying," a man who is killed over and over again... but keeps coming back to life. Impossible, right? The trick? He's the experiment of a brilliant doctor who transfered the 9 lives of a cat into Ulric. Now he dies nightly at a carnival to an exhilirated crowd of spectators and makes a killing doing it. However, when greed and back-stabbing become part of the act, Ulric's time may become more limited than he thinks.

This first episode about the sensationalism of carnival attractions, the glamour of killing and dying, and the horrible things people will do for money is very successful due to one thing- it actually feels like a carnival attraction. It's flashy and amusingly lurid. Style over the need for substance. And the sheer personality of the characters Batman's Robert Wuhl and The Sopranos' Joe Pantoliano portray keep your eye on the screen. It's simple entertainment at its' finest- sensational violence. The acting is very good. The pacing is steady.



Episode 2: And All Through the House


Plot:
A horrible housewife murders her husband on Christmas Eve! Her motivation? Money, of course. He's worth a fortune dead. And now she's free to do whatever she wants, providing she can dispose of the body. Easy, right? Not this Christmas Eve... because the radio reports that a demented madman has escaped from the local asylum and has been hacking up women all night, while wearing a Santa Claus suit. Now with this insane killer after her, she has to save herself as well as take care of hiding the evidence from her heinous crime. To make matters worse, she just can't get her young daughter Carrie, who's excited to sneak a peak at Santa, to go to sleep. This night of unholy horror will be anything but silent!

I don't know if this is supposed to be so obvious (the tire-swing / window sequence), over-the-top (Mary Ellen Trainor's entire performance), or silly (her boyfriend's answering machine message)- but this is the pure definition of fun. It's just cliche after cliche after cliche done speedy, tense, nasty, and funny. A beautiful tracking shot done to a Nat King Cole song unbroken as a fire poker (one of my favorite and underused movie-murder instruments) murder is commited. And then, the always entertaining Larry Drake (Dr. Giggles) as a loony-eyed, black-toothed, ax-toting, grease-faced killer santa looking like he just escaped from prison. And, of course - Mary Ellen Trainor's (The Goonies) face. I don't know what shocked her more: the killer climbing up the ladder to her daughter's open window or getting hit over the head by a clump of snow fallen from her roof. It's also worth mentioning (the blonde connection), that there's a dolly shot that looks like it was stolen from Fatal Attraction- when she drops the phone and runs to the other side of the house (I think it was when she looked out the window at a dead body to see the ax was missing). Like I said: pure horror fun. It doesn't get better than this.



Episode 3: The Man Who Was Death


Plot:
Niles Talbot lives for one thing... killing people. And, guess what? It's 100% legal too. See, Niles is a switch-thrower for the state executioner. He electrocutes people for a living. Well, that is, until popular vote repeals the death penalty- putting him out of work. Now his days are occupied by long walks down the city streets, looking at junkies and prostitutes. And reading in the paper about all the murderers going free because of improperly-worded arrest warrants and malinformed juries. This doesn't sit right with him. Not at all. So, he decides to take his talent for killing on the road as a freelance executioner.

One of the best-photographed and best-looking Crypt episodes. It's well-cast, well-acted, and has pretty good ideas all around. It's also incredibly pretentious and unfortunately narrated throughout. Far beyond the point where you just want this guy to shut up already. This is a sad thing, because in terms of characterization- I agreed with what he was doing and thought he had pretty good judgment. The problem is that we get to know him much too well. He doesn't talk just shop. And that's a shame. His job is all he's good at. He's a void as a human being, so we don't want to hear all his thoughts on life and the world around him. Death is his expertise and had he stuck to that, there'd be no problems. Also, a very predictable ending which doesn't come soon enough. Skippable.



Episode 4: Only Sin Deep


Plot:
Sylvia Vane is a hooker with a bad attitude who's obsessed with her looks. She also wants off the streets for good and has her sights set on a beautiful blond businessman with a luxury apartment who throws a private party every night. To land him, she robs her best friend's pimp and offers his stuff to a creepy pawn shop man who's much more interested in her beauty. He makes a deal with her- $10,000 cash to make a plaster-cast mold of her face. She has 4 months to redeem her receipt ticket and get her beauty back. She thinks him crazy and gets her rich man. 4 months later... she looks in the mirror and sees that she's becoming uglier every day. And it's too late to get her looks back. But Ms. Vane has killed before to get what she wants and has no problem doing it again.

This one is such a fun flashback to cheese cinema of the late 80's / early 90's, a lot of it featuring trendy visions of the high-cheese big-money lifestyle of the city rich. Lots of white women's dress-suits with huge buttons and art-gallery apartment parties. And of course, a hooker as a main character (this being the same era as Pretty Woman, around half a year earlier) who gets a makeover and becomes accustomed to the high-life. And with music that sounds like the twin brother of Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (except for the horrible stuff at the apartment party). And, naturally a plot about the horror of aging is a good change from the typical slashers and monsters. There are a couple of little problems here, though. Lea Thompson's accent is one. She sounds like a man. It's that simple. She's trying to channel some deep New York / Brooklyn thing, and failing miserably. Then, how fast she hooks her blond beefy rich husband. And is he Mr. Perfect or what? Direct, generous, complimentary, and still as interested in her after the wedding and months of marriage as he was at the start. It just feels phony at times. He'll read a couple of lines like he wants to strangle her to death- both times he's asking her questions ("what are you- a psycho?!" and "what is this- the make-up counter at Macy's?!"). It shouldn't be this entertaining because it's pretty routine stuff. But it is very entertaining.



Episode 5: Lover Come Hack to Me


Plot:
Peggy and Charles are newlyweds on their way to hotel bliss so they can celebrate their honeymoon. She's a shy, mousy girl who's afraid of everything. He's an irritable rat in love with her vast wealth. However, when they are unable to make it to the hotel after they find a huge tree's fallen in the road, they're forced to spend the night in a decrepit old house with no phone. But there's a roaring fire. And a warm bed. And lots of candles... And a huge ax, hanging on the wall. Then it's time for bed and Peggy has a sexy surprise for Charles- she's more of a hellcat than she's let on. After the two make mad, passionate love, suddenly the ax goes missing. Does Charles have it; waiting for the perfect moment to kill Peggy for her money? Or, does Peggy have it; finally seeing through his lies and angry enough to kill him because of it? Or... is there someone else in the house? After all- the fire and the candles and the bed look like they were only recently put there...

This one had me hooked fast. The Crypt Keeper intro has him chopping a meat-cleaver (another favorite movie-murder instrument of mine) into a pile of gore. Then, the story kicks in with stark insinuations of greed and a "you'll be sorry" warning - both great story elements. Then, a very Dolls-like storm and big old haunted house that looks empty. Unlike Dolls though, this house is empty (ala- perhaps, Hell Night) and that makes it creepier. Not to mention the blue-lit storm outside is amazing with these production values. This little TV show ends up looking amazing. And then... Amanda Plummer: you've got a one-woman horror show right there. She could easily have been the Karen Black of her day. But even though this looks great and gets me into it fast... there's no ascension to the next level. You know? The opening 8 or so minutes just leads to an overly-long sex / seduction scene (these really work better in vampire horror tales, where you expect a lot of sexuality and or elements of romance) and a couple murders that are cool but come abruptly on the heels of the awful performance of Stephen Shellen as the gold-digging husband. Just when you think his performance couldn't get worse...he starts talking to himself. And a really way too bizarre twist. Not really worth sitting through all the way.



Episode 6: Collection Completed


Plot:
Jonas is a tool salesman who's just been retired. He should be ecstatic at the prospect of "sharing his golden years" with his sweet wife Anita... but he's not. He gets mad at everything. Every single thing. He's resentful of his company for not giving him a watch. He hates animals and Anita has a ton of pets. And... he can't seem to get anything he wants. He didn't want to be retired and can't find anything else to do, but he gets furious when he finds out what he's been working for was to feed the stray animals Anita lets in the house. He can't make up his mind- did he hate working or did he love it? Now, he's trapped in his house with his insane wife, an army of pets, and too much time on his hands. He decides to get a hobby. Can you guess what it is?

I've definitely been wondering to myself- what's the worst episode of Tales from the Crypt? Over the past 4 months, I've seen a few disappointing ones. And I've seen some bigtime stinkers. But this Mary Lambert (Pet Sematary) episode takes the cake! This one has an inhuman hateful streak a mile long and at every interval is a chore, a stretch of patience, and a test of heart to make it through... and for what? The most predictable twist of the entire series? Let me ruin it for you folks, after he kills and stuffs every pet but a cat and a few fish: she kills and stuffs him. I'd give Mary Lambert credit for having the guts for always trying to shock with her horror projects... but after Pet Sematary Two and this, I have to know... what the hell is her problem? Why does she hate animals so much? This is too-sick for anyone, especially someone of the sensitivity it must have taken to direct some of Madonna's finest videos! The single worst Crypt episode by far.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: Dead Right


Plot:
Cathy Finch is a working girl with a bad attitude and some rotten luck. But her luck starts to change after she goes to see Madam Vorna, a quirky psychic who tells her she is about to meet the man she's going to marry. Cathy's plan is to not get married until she finds a rich man, so this guy in Vorna's vision must be "the one." While waiting for him to show up, she meets greasy and creepy fat guy Charlie Marno. He asks her out and she turns him down. She changes her mind however, when Vorna tells her he will inherit a fortune shortly after they are married and then, die- violently. Charlie proposes marriage and she accepts. Cathy is repulsed by him and quickly grows tired of waiting for him to inherit the money, so she plans to leave him. It's here that Vorna's prediction begins coming true. Cathy thinks she's hit it big! But... there are a couple important details Vorna neglected to mention.

Demi Moore is one of the most ridiculously gorgeous, sensual women on the face of the planet. So, it's not exactly flattering for her to play a pointy-headed, prickly wench type. But that seems to be the objective of this incredibly cinematic starter to...well, an incredibly cinematic season of Crypt. The quality of the cinematography is just jaw-dropping. And it adds completely to the tension. Of which, this way darkly comedic and deeply nasty little piece has a lot. Demi Moore is truly hateful here and her repulsion is all the more disturbing when we are forced to share it. This guy she winds up getting hitched to has no personality quirks to make up for his overly make-upped appearence: bloated fat suit pieces that look pretty damn real and sickening face appliances that seriously inspire disgust. If this episode has no other virtue- it's disturbing, gross, and morally shocking. But thankfully, not all the humor is too-dark. One example - although the usually kindly and lovable Jeffrey Tambor is a genuine creep here, Natalia Nogulich (So NoTorious) as the "mysterious" fortune-teller is a total ray of sunshine. Well, not for Demi Moore, but for us- she's a pleasure in this slyly entertaining symphony of nastiness.



Episode 2: The Switch


Plot:
Carlton is a kindly, rich old man who has just fallen in love... with a sweet girl who works in a flower-shop. The problem? She's in her 20's and he's about 70. He wants to marry her and he thinks the problem is that she could be after his money if she finds out he's rich. So he doesn't tell her. He proposes and she turns him down because he's too old. He decides the way to fix this is to have a face transplant operation, so he pays $1 million to a radical surgeon and has it done. However, she turns him down again because his upper body is too old. $2 million more and a second operation... but she's still not happy. He is prepared to spend whatever it takes to make himself attractive to her. But, there is a horrifying surprise waiting for him when he finally gets the young body he wants.

I wish I had more pleasent things to say about Ahhnold "I'm a cop, you idiot!!" The Terminator's episode. Because when you scrape off his embarrassing political escapades, I really like The-Ahhnold and his movies from this era in American filmmaking. And I was definitely surprised by his range of very effective tones in this piece and the sophisticated attitude overall. Kelly Preston from Twins (yeah, I saw that movie 6 times) puts in an appearence, and William Hickey is so damn sweet without pouring on the sugar-grandpa routine. You really do feel for him and his situation, just short of seeing yourself as him- wanting the girl so badly you'd do anything for her. Which is what you need to be able to enjoy the twist at the end. Unfortunately, the twist is so obvious you'll guess it before it's half-over. One thing you won't see coming, however, and I'm blowing the whistle on this: Hickey's best friend and confidant - who you completely believe cares about him - betraying him for money. That's just one step over the line for me. They only threw that one in to be cruel. By the end, it turns out to be more than cruelty- it's just a poorly assembled twist altogether. Preston's character is too cliched and, as a performer, she doesn't deliver any deliciously dark bite for her proposed materialistic rudeness. She's nothing more than a tart who you think has a heart. That wears thin before the trademark moment where she dumps Hickey in Rick Rossovich's drop-dead-hunky bod just because his legs are skinny.



Episode 3: Cutting Cards


Plot:
Reno Krevis and Sam Forney are the two greatest card players in Vegas. And they can't stand each other. They've bested everyone else and all they have left to beat is each other. They've played each other before and each has won and lost to the other. But every time they are in Vegas together, each wants the other one out. For good. This time, money's off the table and the loser agrees to leave Vegas forever. However, there's a problem. Every game they play comes up even. Which leads one to accuse the other of cheating. The price for this is a new game where the loser will lose something much more personal than his right to stay in Vegas...

Lance Henriksen munches the scenery like a cow chews grass. Only with more ferocity, of course. Take a minute's break now to fully allow that image to soak in. Lance is supposed to be like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood or some kind of rogue cowboy here. His match, the guy from the 1989 tacky action romp Roadhouse, Kevin Tighe, is not quite the actor Henriksen is but he does pathetic rather well. If the name of this game is stubborn competition, this episode earns big points for finding a way to make it compelling in spite of its' childishness. It sure as hell isn't scary. But, with this bizarre relationship, there is bound to be some entertaining friction. So let's just say, whether it's fun or not- the time flies. A bit of gore is a welcomed addition here. But, the most intriguing thing about the entire episode is an interruption to their gun fight that actually suggests they more than respect each other, despite their bickering. Though I just can't help but say I'd more enjoy watching Lance as a stripping cowboy or romantic leading man than as a rough-edged cardplayer. He'd already done the toughguy routine more effectively in the vampire-western Near Dark, playing a more world-weary character with a greater air of authority and command.



Episode 4: Til Death


Plot:
We start out in Africa, at a posh private whites-only drinks-party where slinky host, Logan, is a well-to-do landowner about to expand his development deal over to a dangerous area of swampland which is uninhabitable thanks to quicksand puddles. After learning this tidbit, he thinks his life is ruined. It's complicated enough already, since he's having an affair with a luscious dark-skinned goddess who's mad as hell at him and knows a few tricks that will throw yet another monkeywrench in his plans. To make his development deal work, he woos the bratty cash-cow Margaret into the marriage bed with a sort-of love potion. Only, he put too many drops in her glass and she dies... but returns from the grave to continue pleasing her husband because that potion won't allow love to end over a silly little thing like death.

You think you know where this episode's going to go, but you have absolutely no idea! It keeps changing, again and again. No matter what your expectations are, they will be re-written. The tone is dark, tight, and tense...at first. Then it gets mysterious, which brings out an incredible style. Then, they add a zombie to the mix. Death brings out this episode's playful side- and how. Actress Pamela Gien is an absolute riot as the almost Stepford Wife-like domestic princess in her perfect posh dresses cooking her man the perfect dinner. And this uptight frigid brat goes wild with one-liners. That's when things get fun! Sporting a huge cleaver (which she intends to use on someone)- she whines about a bullet hole in her expensive dress, comes back from blow after blow like The Terminator, and - in the funniest Crypt moment ever - makes a pun after being set on fire that made me laugh so hard, I'm sure the neighbors heard me! A loser that becomes a rolicking winner!



Episode 5: Three's a Crowd


Plot:
Richard, an ashamed husband in a bad financial situation goes away with his wife, Della, for their anniversary to a little water-front cabin retreat on the dime of an old friend, Alan, who would seem to have the hots for Della. He becomes wildly paranoid that she's cheating on him and she's unwittingly doing a lot to prove his suspicions are correct. She completely ignores him because of his rotten mood, in favor of spending all her time laughing and chatting up Alan, and secretly talks behind Richard's back about her new life plans. It sounds like she's going to leave him. This drives him to get up to a lot of drinking until finally, he can't take anymore. She's keeping a secret from him alright but it might not be what he thinks it is.

The comedic tone of the first 4 episodes goes right out the window for this ultra-serious little gem. This little internal horror piece is tastefully acted, stylishly directed, and beautifully calculated to the last mili-second to do The Shining, sans supernatural elements, the way it should have been done. The parallels between the two are quite remarkable. Though Kubrick's went heavier into atmosphere and is more rewarding on that level, this piece handles the internal struggle to hurt your loved ones with the utmost integrity and no sense of over-the-top pandering. The quiet intensity very suddenly is cranked up to full-blast and in an eyeblink, we are thrust into the darkest reaches of human evil. One of Crypt's 10 best, this all-class outing of fear and terror will not disappoint!



Episode 6: The Thing from the Grave


Plot:
Stacy is a beautiful fashion model, Mitch is her abusive, controlling boyfriend, and Devlin is a photographer. Three makes a triangle, don't it? Stacy wants far away from Mitch so she runs into sensitive Devlin's arms and the two begin an affair. Mitch finds out and decides to erase Devlin from the picture. However, before that happens, Devlin makes a promise to Stacy when he gives her a good luck charm that the forces of good and evil decide he will keep...even from beyond the grave.

Let's face it... some if not most of these episodes are just logically dumb. Even the greats don't have to make perfect sense. This episode's storyline in particular is highly ridiculous in the world we live in. But in the threadbare world of Tales from the Crypt, what's most important is the novelty, the successful execution of the idea, and that we're delivered enough gratifying elements. This episode is so basic, it should be insulting. But it delivers. The writing is effective if not good. The dialogue works, though I'd have recast the Devlin role personally. The violence, monster FX, and gore (although it's a little dark to see it) are excellent. And the music score is actually really chilling (especially the groceries scene). I love this episode!



Episode 7: The Sacrifice


Plot:
Hunky Los Angeles insurance salesman James is summoned to meet rich loser Sebastian at his penthouse apartment to discuss buying a new policy. His beautiful younger wife Gloria takes a liking to James and wants his help in killing Sebastian for his money and make the death look like an accident. She has a very specific plan. They kill him before he signs but after the police know he intended to will her the money when he dies, which she thinks takes suspicion off her. Everything goes according to plan. However, there's one thing neither of them counted on... a witness. And not just anybody; someone who knows James and Gloria and wants something from them in exchange for silence. And it isn't money.

Michael Ironside (Scanners, Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II), Kim Delaney (NYPD Blue, Army Wives), and the hunk-alicious Kevin Kilner (Disney's Smart House) are wasted in this entirely pointless, boring, and predictable snoozer. This one lacks everything: tension, scares, gore, good writing, any details about anything at all...even, for all the sex that is mentioned in dialogue - nudity. You get the impression that this guy, Richard Greenberg, is trying to make a classy episode. Out of some of the trashiest subject matter of the entire series. I just don't get the point of sex scenes and undressing scenes with jarring cutaways to make sure men's nipples aren't viewed (shots of him on-top during the actual sex are filmed / edited the same way).

I'm not kidding when I say it lacks details about anything. Kilner meets Delaney in an elevator and 3 minutes later, she's visiting his boat-house and after 25 seconds of conversation, they're in bed. After 25 seconds of sex, they're scheming to kill the rich guy. After 25 seconds of that, he says he's in love with her. After 7 seconds of that...next scene. So right there, just based on that, you know she doesn't love him back. Which means, you know how it's going to end. Based on that, and the fact that he is the biggest dope on the planet. This is an obvious "double crossing" episode and everything is given away to us by each character's morality. She double-crosses her husband, so you know she will double-cross anyone because that's the kind of person she is. There's no attempt to shy away from obviousness in this episode's twist. I guessed it less than 4 minutes after Ironside showed up. Completely pedestrian and lame, in every regard. Oh... except for the opening credits sequence, the rather romantic laidback drive through the apartment buildings of L.A.



Episode 8: For Cryin' Out Loud


Plot:
Marty Slash is a frustrated rock concert promoter who's getting old in years and isn't happy that he's got nothing to show for his decades of dealing with the crazy demands of whiny rock stars and pampering their egos. With all the money he handles week to week, he thinks it's about time he got paid off and out of the business for good. So he arranges a $1 million payday in the form of a "Save the Amazon" rainforest charity benefit concert series. He withdraws the money in cash and is ready to hop his plane the hell out of his daily hell when all of a sudden, a little voice starts speaking to him. Telling him not to take the money. Is he going crazy? Is his conscience really talking to him? And, if it is- what good will it do since Marty is ready to kill for this money?

After seeing season 4's torturously awful "On a Deadman's Chest," I was really soured on the idea of sitting through another episode with a rock band theme. Damn, am I glad I had second thoughts! This one's one of the most fun episodes of the whole show! Lee Arenberg delivers a pitch-perfect performance (you may remember him from the 3rd season opener to Scrubs as Dr. Moyer...the "MY MACHINES!" guy). His inner monologue plays aloud throughout the episode (stand-up comic legend Sam Kinison, who thankfully is reduced to just a voice in the audio mix, playing a manic variation on Disney's Jiminy Cricket), which has convinced him that no woman would ever find him attractive (I have a hard time believing that). This episode is perfectly cast, everyone turns in a funny and dynamic performance, down to the smallest part (including Mark Lowenthal as a quirky ear doctor, and Iggy Pop, who unlike Yul Vazquez from "On a Deadman's Chest" can actually pull off the foul-mouthed rockstar routine). And, though this won't scare anyone, there's just enough blood in it to make it entertaining on that level. See this one!



Episode 9: Four Sided Triangle


Plot:
Mary-Jo is a girl with some big problems. She's on-the-run from the law and hiding out on a farm, doing daily chores for abusive couple George and Louisa. Louisa threatens her physically while George keeps making sexual advances toward her. One day, after George tries to kill her and knocks her unconscious, she stumbles upon a scarecrow that appears to be alive. She tells George and Louisa about it but they don't believe her. George then notices her sneaking out of the house at night to meet the scarecrow, each time she seems to be waiting for him to make love to her. Is Mary-Jo imagining these things? Or are they really happening?

Another obvious twist (you'll see it coming from a mile away!), but unlike "The Sacrifice," this episode actually delivers on its' incredibly bizarre premise - which the CryptKeeper sets up beautifully by telling you it's all about "heavy breathing" (thankfully, he wasn't this lurid when warming up season 3's "Split Second"). You could strain your brain trying to figure out how it's going to get to the ending (yes, it's that strange), but the acting is so good, it gets us there in record time. Pet Sematary's Susan Blommaert turns in the best crotchety old-lady performance this side of Anne Ramsey (with a far more quiet menace, too), Chelcie Ross (who mostly ends up doing political thrillers) is appropriately pervert-like as the old man, and Patricia Arquette stunningly dives right into this flaky character. She's good at getting lost in a part and seems to take even her least significant role seriously (horror fans will no doubt remember her from Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, but her real tour-de-force performance was in David Lynch's Lost Highway). The atmosphere is taut and freaky, there's enough strange sex to keep us distracted from the redneck cliches, and the look of the episode is fantastic. As is the X-Files-ish music score. One complaint: it would have been scarier if my original prediction for the ending had come true.



Episode 10: The Ventriloquist's Dummy


Plot:
Little Billy Goldman has just seen his first ventriloquist act and wants nothing more than to be exactly like his heroes, lounge act star Mr. Ingles, and the famous "Morty," his dummy. 15 years after sitting through Ingles & Morty's last performance, a grown-up Billy goes to Ingles' home to invite him to come to his debut performance for a crowd at amateur night. When he arrives, Ingles is tired, bitter, and very angry, but he gives Billy a half-hearted "maybe." Billy's stage debut is a complete disaster and Ingles, who shows up, tells him to get out of showbusiness. Billy is crushed... but not completely ready to give up. He decides to go back to Ingles home and confront him, where to his horror he discovers his hero is... not the man he thought he was.

How can you screw up an episode that features Don Rickles as a master ventriloquist and the underrated Bobcat Goldthwait as his wannabe-protege? Simple: pour on the sap like you're making pancakes the size of the Empire State Building, build up your usually acerbic and raunchily sarcastic comedians as washed-up, pitiable tragic figures, lead-in to your big climax with an embarrassingly hammy murder-mystery subplot, and then, turn your big climax into a pathetic freakshow channelling Peter Jackson (at his Meet the Feebles worst), and gross everyone out with really nauseating mutation fx. Can't say I was surprised though. After Directed by: Richard Donner (1976's boring The Omen) flashed on the screen, I immediately lowered my standards. Turns out it doesn't matter how low you set your standards- this really, really sucks.



Episode 11: Judy, You're Not Yourself Today


Plot:
Gun fanatic Donald and his stressed, uppity wife Judy are having one hell of a day dealing with door-to-door solicitors. First it's a wimpy petitioner whose organization wants to ban gun ownership. Then it's a rude elderly cosmetics saleswoman who insists Judy may not be good enough to become one of her clients. Donald won't let the wimp into his house. But after he leaves for the morning, Judy feels she must chat with the saleswoman, especially because she admires her very interesting-looking necklaces. Donald comes home and Judy is nowhere to be found. The old woman is there, though, and claims she is Judy. Then he gets a call warning him, "Judy...is not herself today." Now the already-nearly insane Donald has to use his head to figure things out, but he has a tendancy to let his big gun do all the thinking.

Completely lacking any fear and tension, this slightly-dark but KNEE-SLAPPING, GUT-BUSTING, SIDE-SPLITTING weird-comedy is one of the most entertaining episodes of any television show I've witnessed in my life. And "witnessed" is the right word for it. It's strange but it's rapid-fire the whole way through. Carol Kane and Brian Kerwin deliver pure perfection in their portrayal of a stressed-out suburban couple whose life of unease hits the roof. And just when you think the focus is on the freakiness of being in someone else's body, you realize it's just a front for what the story's really about. Gun control. Which itself is also a front, for the attitudes of the people who own them. Only here, it's cranked up to the point where the guy actually gets a multiple-identity orgasm by killing people with his gun. And it's not heavy-handed either. More like a farce, with a shockingly bittercutesy ending. And the CryptKeeper's all-time best outro. Most people think he's a very lame character. But it's moments like this that prove his insane quality can sometimes be really entertaining. Usually when he's breathless and...insane. Which his puppet does here, not through his eyes, but through his voice and laughter. This time, it really feels like he's gone off the deep end and he's not coming back. I laughed and grinned my head off the whole time. And now, whenever I re-watch that ending... I actually feel like I'm going to cry. One of life's rare perfect treasures and a top 10 Crypt episode if there ever was one!



Episode 12: Fitting Punishment


Plot:
Ezra Thornberry is a very mean funeral home owner who has just "inherited" a slave in the form of his nephew Bobby, whose parents (one of them being Ezra's sister, Ruby) have recently died. Bobby agrees to work for Ezra in exchange for a place to live so Ezra teaches Bobby the finer points of the mortuary business. But Bobby is a slow learner and Ezra has no patience and loses his temper quickly. He begins beating Bobby, eventually savagely paralyzing his legs forever. Now he has to pay a doctor's fee and Ezra hates to pay for anything. So he's tasked with finding a solution to his problem: one no-good teenager and one extra coffin too many. A match made in heaven? "Waste not, want not," Ezra always says...

I've barely watched Everybody Hates Chris, but I vividly remember a commercial in which the father yelled at Chris to shut off the light because it costs too much money. That penny-pinching, which is something of a stereotype (I've noticed) with black characters in movies / tv, is turned into a 30-minute episode of this show, and it's beautifully executed. Moses Gunn (George's old blackmailing friend on The Jeffersons) turns in another of his patented "worst human being on the planet" performances as a heartless, insensitive mortician; and let me say- what a villain! This is another episode that scores real high on the tension meter. At first, it's heavily diluted by the humor. Then, you realize the humor is being used to pad the shocks before they happen. And well... I was shocked. Only flaw: the punishment actually isn't fitting. Given how much of a bastard this guy is. It's laughable and bizarre. So much so, that you can't help but keep your eyes on how they're achieving a special effect, rather than paying attention to any sense of irony or retribution. Again, diluted by humor. But maybe that was the point... Who knows? In terms of writing, acting, and tension- this is a masterpiece.



Episode 13: Korman's Kalamity


Plot:
Jim Korman is a comic book artist with some very unique problems. His wifezilla, Mildred, is on the warpath with accusations of Jim's alleged infidelities, and demands that he get her pregnant and that he take fertility pills to cure what she sees as his inability. The pills haven't been approved by the FDA, are highly experimental, and the side effects may (or may not) be causing Jim's monster drawings to come to life. Because, all over the city, monsters that look an awful lot like the ones in his comics are turning up and terrorizing or killing the local population. This attracts the attention of a beautiful young female cop who is convinced Jim knows about it. She confronts then befriends him and Mildred, who would kill if she ever caught him with another woman, finds out about it.

Knowing the twist before watching an episode is one thing that can lower your opinion of it when you get around to seeing it again. The other thing is: high expectations. This episode is a definite victim of high expectations on my part. It's a good episode, and another one that benefits tremendously by just how much this season's episodes feel like real movies. This one is every bit as cinematic as something like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is a strange movie to flashback on while watching this episode. Must have been the red and white checkered floors in the laudromat scene (reminds of pizza-places in New York, of which you see several throughout the legacy of TMNT). The one movie I couldn't get out of my head while watching this was C.H.U.D. Random attack spots, monsters loose in a city, no clue given as to where they'll strike next. The reason my expectations were so high is because I remember how freaky it was watching this alone as a kid- a kid with a wild imagination. I remembered things that didn't necessarily take place. One thing was the Mildred Monster sitting in a laundromat in one of the orange chairs next to someone reading a newspaper. The person realizes there's a monster sitting next to them and fear insues. That doesn't happen here. Basically, having Harry Anderson and Colleen Camp in this episode tells you how scary it's going to be before you see it - zilch. A scene involving a rapist is played for one-liners, a scene involving kids playing has the terror equivalent of that Dennis the Menace movie (1993), and the eventual showdown between Colleen Camp and the Mildred Monster is disappointing. Mainly because, between Valley Girl and Election...directors only used her to be the irritating, shrill housewife (this, Wicked Stepmother, Police Academy: part whatever). She's irritating and shrill, alright. But not funny. To its' credit, though: the episode is creative, the dialogue is well-written, and Harry Anderson is sweet and sympathetic, never mean-spirited.



Episode 14: Lower Berth


Plot:
At Feeley's Fantastic Fairway of Freaks, there's only one attraction that you can't see anywhere else. His name is Enoch, and he has 2 faces. He's the star of the freakshow, abused and neglected by his nasty owner, Mr. Sickles. He's dying to get out of his cage. He's also dying... for good. His ailing health makes him a liability to Sickles, who now needs a new freak to ensure he has a way to make a living. He makes a deal with an underhanded aristocratic doctor in exchange for a real mummified woman's corpse and suddenly, he's back on-top with Feeley's freakshow. But Enoch has fallen in love with the mummy and decides he wants a child with her. All he has to do is remove her cursed necklace- if Sickles doesn't do it first. The necklace's curse has a nasty side effect though for anyone who tries to take it.

Perhaps dreading the other mutation episodes of the season, "The Ventrioquist's Dummy" and "My Brother's Keeper," I decided to watch this one first. I guess the inspiration for it would be either Tod Browning's Freaks or any Universal monster movie from that heyday of classic horror, where some or most of the monsters were sympathetic. At first, Enoch (also the name given to the cursed-book in Lucio Fulci's 1980 gorefest, City of the Living Dead) is sympathetic. Of course, it's a pretty obvious and lame ploy to always expect your Elephant Man main character will be sympathetic and trodden-on just because he's deformed (almost always a "he" in these types of stories, you'll notice). But that changes toward the end, in a remarkably odd finale. Kevin Yagher is a master of special effects and animatronics puppetry (he created the actual bodies you see of Chucky from Child's Play and the CryptKeeper himself- notice they have the exact same eyeballs), but as a director, he bites the big one. This is his best Crypt offering. It has its' moments (the best of which are undoubtedly the Keeper's intro and outro), and is shockingly watchable. But overall, it falls short of its' ambitions... unless its' ambitions were to just show us ugly fx-creations. Though this one tries for heart, it winds up being boring and lacking real fear. Skippable.



Episode 15: Mute Witness to Murder


Plot:
Paul and Suzy are celebrating their anniversary; Jim leaves the room to fetch Suzy her present when Suzy suddenly witnesses their neighbor, Dr. Trask, murdering his wife from across their apartment balcony. She is so shocked at the sight of this that she finds herself unable to speak. When Paul returns, she looks like she's dying. He runs for help and brings her back a doctor. Dr. Trask, that is. When he asks Paul what's wrong with her, Paul tells him she was just... standing out on the balcony. Dr. Trask looks out over the balcony and can see right into his own window. He knows she knows- but she can't tell anyone because she's been shocked silent. So, he has her committed to the sanitorium he runs. Now he can make sure she never talks, ever again!

Incredibly laidback and relentlessly smokey-blue, this wannabe-Hitchcock "psychological" thriller is well-paced and has good ideas. Unfortunately, they at times come off as unintentionally silly and incongruous. Which you only notice if the episode starts to bore you (and to be fair, after "The Sacrifice"- this is as compelling as it gets). But, Reed Birney as the husband is especially insufferable. And, I'm not at all crazy about the casting of Johnboy Walton (Richard Thomas) as a killer. There's a reason you'll have trouble separating his wholesome image from this kind of role. Even as a killer, he's impossibly polite and has a voice so sensitive, you'll always think he's just kidding around when he says he's about to do something bad. Patricia Clarkson, though, is a dream. And since the episode is really about her, she wins you over even when the absurdness of the story progression (I'm sorry- but what husband on Earth wouldn't be shocked at a doctor's decision to strait-jacket their wife just because she stops speaking?) gets out of hand. It's a quiet and short little no-thrills thriller. There's no real twist here, but the turns it takes toward the end are at least satisfying since the worst characters get what I wanted them to.



Episode 16: Television Terror


Plot:
Horton Rivers Live is the scummiest talk show on TV. And its host, Horton Rivers, is every bit as sleazy and assholey as his show is. But his ratings depend on more outrageous and shameless stunts. So in a quest to raise the stakes, he takes an episode into a house where a mass murder took place to exploit the tragedies for "are there ghosts in there?" sensationalism. He's not afraid- after all, the vicious murderess is years-since dead and there's no such thing as ghosts anyway, right? Horton gives the camera his hokey best and takes his audience on a tour of all the rooms on the first floor. He gets a call from the control room: viewers are tuning out- they're bored. He has to do something to up the ratings. So he takes the camera upstairs... where he finds the house is not as lifeless as it should be.

Here's the other victim of high-expectations. This has now become regarded as the single best episode of the show by most fans and casual viewers. With good reason - you can cut the tension with a knife! Althroughout. And, you definitely want to see some bloodshed- every character in this episode is a jerk. Which makes the 2-person bodycount very disappointing. But, for a haunted-house themed episode, this one gets that ghosts are usually not scary. So, they throw in some chainsaw action for good measure. And, unlike The Haunting, when doors slam and shake in this movie- they bleed too. The episode's greatest quality is that the tension never dwindles or wanes. Nor is it reliant on the nasty attitude of the jerk characters. But, it could certainly have produced a scarier killer, done away with the unfortunate The Sentinel-esque proliferation of old dead people, and recast the part of the cameraman- Trip. Or...just upped the bodycount. I also would have liked Sam to look a little more shocked at the sight of a dead body hanging out of a window. I was surprised at how good Morton Downey Jr. was in an acting role. I quite enjoyed his little "Elvis in France" impression. Apparently, this episode was directed by a stuntman and several people he's related to end up doing stuntwork here.



Episode 17: My Brother's Keeper


Plot:
Eddie and Frank are Siamese twins who have just seen a doctor promising them a 50-50% chance of successfully separating them permanently. Great news, right? Eddie thinks so. He's tired of people calling him a freak, of having to have his brother with him when he has sex, and having to go everywhere and do everything his brother does. Frank has the same problem, he's tired of Eddie's reckless lifestyle. But, while Eddie is enthusiastic about the operation, Frank is scared about the other 50% chance that it will fail and they could die. So he refuses to sign the surgical release form. Then he meets Marie, the woman of his dreams. There's just one problem with that... Eddie. Both are not willing to give up what they want and one of them is going to have to kill to free themselves of their other half.

Finally...! A mutation freakshow that has more than just special fx novelty to get you past that truly disgusting deformity which takes center-stage in all these episodes. Here, it's a really gross piece of gummy flesh that connects the butts of 2 very different brothers together. What's special about this episode (other than Suspiria's Jessica Harper, and an excellent cleaver murder) are the gifted actors playing the two brothers, their very defined and amusing characters, and the damn smart writing that leads to inventive, funny turns, and another of the greatest twists in the show's 7-year run. The episode starts with some predictable gags but the pacing keeps 'em coming without stop, and the engaging performances keep you watching. One brother is naturally a sports-loving, sex-crazy pig who propositions every woman he comes across, while the other is a sensitive, symphony-loving cultured nice-guy who loves to cook. And just when you think you know where this is going, it twists in ways you can't expect. In ways you'd never think would have any comedic or horrific punch to them. Another episode that lacks proper tension and any scares. But it succeeds on brains and ends up being a lot more fun than this kind of plot has any right to be.



Episode 18: The Secret


Plot:
Little Theodore lives in an orphanage with a bunch of other young kids who are all smaller than he is. The mean woman who runs it wants him out. She's tired of him eating too much and running off in the night. She finally gets her way, when he is adopted by an ultra-sophisticated rich couple, who whisk him away to their huge mansion in the middle of the woods and keep him locked in his bedroom at all times, making sure he's only fed dessert for every meal. He befriends their kindly butler Tobias, as they begin hinting at a big surprise they have planned for Theodore. But their secretive nature has him worried that they are not as kind as they seem.

A genuinely creepy and stylistically indulgent fairy tale. There's a definite and intentional Escape to Witch Mountain-vibe all throughout this episode. Especially when you see his bedroom. But in terms of fairy tales, the gluttonous eating of nothing but pastry-sweets is obviously Hansel & Gretel. As for the fear quotient, this benefits greatly from a distinct Misery feel to the tension that amounts once he finds himself trapped with what seem like the quintessential hospitable guardians being way too generous. There's blue light everywhere. Is that supposed to be an unusual color for light to be found in natural surroundings? It's a gorgeous and lavish episode, from the mansion to the outdoors to the car to the bedroom. And all the scenes involving food and the guilt of eating are sure to touch a nerve with someone. The twist is very good. This "secret" is a good one, indeed.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: The Trap


Plot:
Lou Paloma is an unkind man who can't keep a job or pay any of his bills. His wife Irene is worried; everyone is calling and they want their money now. But Lou is tired of not being able to live the way he wants, even after borrowing tons of money from everyone he knows. Suddenly he gets an idea! His life insurance policy is the only thing he's got that'll pay big, and his brother Billy's a coroner. Why not just fake his death? He has everything he needs to fake a convincing death. All he has to do is get Irene and Billy to go for it. But $500,000... would go a lot further... if it were split between two people, rather than three. Wouldn't it?

This one's a little silly (just look at the cast) but riotously funny at times. Especially during the accidental near-cremation, the Jury forewoman's much too-personal reading of the verdict, and Bruce McGill's angry explosion to sexy Carlos Lacamara's love of sunsets. It's a hasty little twister but, one can't say he didn't have it coming. A basic case of an ingrate who couldn't let well-enough alone. The creepy undertone could have been made much more overt, but I'm not complaining. This just isn't the first episode you're going to run to for terror. Perhaps it should have been kept toward the finale of the season. Carroll Baker (Kindergarten Cop) once again plays the mother from hell - nobody does it better!



Episode 2: Loved to Death


Plot:
Edward is an aspiring screenwriter with a love for the old Hollywood romantic classics. He struggles with just one thing, though. How do you write a classic romance when all the movies that are getting made are crude, trashy, and violent? He needs inspiration- a romance of his own. Then one day in the laundry room of his apartment building, he meets Miranda Singer, a sexy young starlet of B pictures who he becomes enamored with. If he could get a date with her - or better yet, get in bed with her - he might stop wanting to write sleazy sex scenes. His creepy landlord Mr. Stronham claims he has just what Edward needs; a love potion. While having drinks with her, he slips her the potion and she becomes enamored with him too. Now, everything's perfect- isn't it? Well... not exactly. Because when the new Miranda becomes so aggressive and desperate for more love than Edward can give, it isn't long before their steamy love affair turns deadly.

Another of the more eccentric episodes. There's a slight attempt to be creepy with the scenes in David Hemmings' (Dario Argento's Deep Red, Barbarella) Wizard of Oz-esque control room, but after that- this really is more of a clever dread episode. Mariel Hemingway (Delirious) is kind of shrill and unsatisfying in her role as a tough, angry actress and much more interesting as the ultimate Stepford Wife. Vacant and lifeless is her thing. So, in case you haven't figured it out by now: the title of this episode kind of refers to death by sex. Which you're kind of expecting, and of course- would have been more amusing than the twist we do get. Kathleen Freeman (Gremlins 2: The New Batch, The Naked Gun 33 1/3rd) is a lot of fun in her minute-long role. But Andrew McCarthy (Pretty in Pink, Mannequin) is the same as ever. You see him in one thing, you've seen everything he's got. Which isn't a lot. I kind of gave up on this episode when the silly seduction music cue keeps repeating over and over and over again in all the sex scenes - which are frequent - but, when it finally starts to sound like hard rock music (it began with cheesy piano) and you actually feel the banging that must be causing him some second-thoughts, that represents the best idea we get here. I really didn't care for it. But it's quite well acted. And the general consensus is that this is one of the better-liked episodes. I myself have seen better.



Episode 3: Carrion Death


Plot:
Earl Raymond Digs is a vicious mutilation girl-killer who has just escaped from Death Row. His plan is to rob a bank and then cross the southern desert to Mexico with the money. He gets the money but is having trouble getting to Mexico, as he's stalked every step of the way by a psycho motorcycle-cop and a vulture who's taken a liking to him. He loses his car in a game of "chicken," then has to stagger the last 6 miles to the border dragging the dead body of the cop after he shoots him to death and the cop cuffs their wrists together. He can see the border right ahead of him. But he's getting tired. And he needs water. And that cop's getting heavy. And... that vulture is looking hungrier and hungrier. Perhaps he won't even wait for Digs to die before taking a bite or two.

This episode is truly tedius and completely predictable. And the fact that it takes 30 minutes for so little to happen is also telling. Although, I think most people will be interested to know that this is probably the goriest episode of the entire show and personally, I found the climax to be so violent and gruesome- I couldn't sit still. This is a definite squirmer! But even that doesn't come into play until the last 90 seconds. In the meantime- Kyle MacLachlan (Twin Peaks, Desperate Housewives) talks to himself every step of the 6-mile slog, and... even the cop has to talk to himself when he's alone. I don't mind people talking to themselves, but can't they do it with a little more vigor? Both actors completely sleepwalk through their performances. And that's not saying they breeze by it, that's saying they just don't try. For me- the best feature here is that Kyle can't help playing with the cop after he's shot. He dances with him not just one- but twice. Yes, folks, that's the highpoint of this ep. Skip, skip, skip.



Episode 4: Abra Cadaver


Plot:
Carl and Martin Fairbanks are two surgeon brothers with two very different personalities. During their college years, Carl is the fun-loving playboy who can't get ultra-serious and ambitious Martin to give him a break. He's always criticizing and being hard on him. So, to get revenge- Carl plans a very mean prank on Martin. Years later, the tables have turned and quiet, uptight Carl is driving the looser and seemingly lazy Martin up the wall, demanding he stop fooling around with his wild ideas and crazy research. Martin is trying to invent a new chemical that can suspend the life of the brain after the body is dead. To prove his chemical works- he kills Carl. But, he's still alive. He can still hear and see and smell everything that happens to his body after death. And it's scaring the hell out of Carl. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?

This is one of the most remembered episodes, and I dare you to try forgetting it after you've seen it. You'd think this would be one of the most boring episodes; it certainly rips off Re-Animator a few times. But this episode really does have an incredibly high tension level. At first, it barely gets by on tilted camera angles. But soon, Tony Goldwin's (Ghost, Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives) vocal performance really starts to make you feel uncomfortable. I couldn't stop thinking about being dead. Can the brain really survive? Do you really still hear and see people touching and prodding your dead body? How long does it last? The heights of fear and horror which Goldwin reaches with his voice are incredibly effective. It takes awhile, but when you mix that with the camera angles- it becomes an experience you actually share with the character. And of course, the capper on that twist is the stuff of pure nightmares.



Episode 5: Top Billing


Plot:
Barry Blye is an actor who has been auditioning for part after part. After getting some rave reviews for his talent, he's decided to stick with acting. But he just can't get a part. Casting people keep turning him down. His agent tells him the reason nobody casts him is because he doesn't have "the look." Still, he's determined to act. Desperate for a role, he takes an ad for Hamlet to a dirty little back-alley street door. "What kind of theater would be down there?," asks his long-time rival, Winton Robbins, who turns up at the same audition. This is Barry's territory, a part requiring talent more than looks. But when the director picks Winton the prettyboy over Barry the poet, he gets angry. Enough to kill... However, maybe Barry should have trusted Winton's cynical view of the industry and gotten out while the getting was good. There's something just too strange about this certain production of Hamlet.

Another contender for "best episode of the entire show" award, who would have thunk that this Jon Lovitz outing would be anything but simply sardonic and just an amusing little side-order? This 'struggling actor' (or - actor versus actor) piece is stark, cold, genuinely shocking and chilling, and surprisingly intense. It's not (necessarily) because Lovitz is that good. He's a schlub. You expect him to fail if he takes himself this seriously. No, I don't think it's him. It's his character- which you do buy as a person so serious about what he does, so fed up with rejection and tough breaks that he just can't take one more loss. Then, with the right stylistic features, tight editing, and an amazingly creepy cast of supporting characters including John Astin (Gomez Addams, of course) as a hammy madman director, Louise Fletcher (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest) as the frostiest agent I've ever seen, and the eccentrically deadpan Paul Benedict (The Jeffersons, The Addams Family movie) as the gay wardrobe man - who delivers one of the show's scariest moments, by just giving a simple piece of advice. The amazing Sandra Bernhard also puts in a great little cameo as a casting woman. Andy Dick later parodied her on The Ben Stiller Show in a hilarious bit where she was the one auditioning for Janeane Garofalo- playing a casting woman. Definitely another episode for the Crypt Top 10.



Episode 6: Dead Wait


Plot:
Red Buckley is a prettyboy criminal who's sick and tired of being treated like a piece of dumb meat, even by his male cohorts. He plots to steal a priceless black pearl from Duval, a wealthy plantation owner on a wartorn little tropical island. He needs a job working for Duval, so he impresses him with his passion for the game of chess. He also catches the leering eye of Katrine, Duval's seductive younger wife, and Peligre, his creepy spiritual cleanser who can't take her eyes off his stunning red hair. Red wakes at night to find voodoo gifts of dead mutilated animals in his room. Someone is trying to scare him good! Is it Peligre who claims she's just trying to protect him? Or, is it the equally devious Katrine, who definitely has more than sex on her mind? Suddenly, the gun-toting rebel soldiers of the island are swarming the area where Duval's plantation is located and he wants his friends out of harm's way. But Red's not leaving until he gets that pearl. This begins a game of murder and deception. One everyone's just dying to play. One that can only have one winner. And one in which the pearl might not be the ultimate prize.

One of the show's grossest episodes, Tobe Hooper (director of the immortal 1974 masterpiece The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) does Tales' best voodoo episode. It's nasty, bloody, gruesome, and features loads of double-crossing. I found it to be inspired for its' type with good gore, a classic performance by Whoopi (at least at the end, when she guests on the Cryptkeeper's David Letterman-esque talk show), and... did I mention that redhed (James Remar) is a real hunk? The twist twists until it can twist no more and is all the more fun when you consider the awesome novelty of Hollywood megastar Whoopi wielding machetes. She's no Jason Voorhees but I thought she did great.



Episode 7: The Reluctant Vampire


Plot:
Donald Longtooth is just the sweetest guy around... for a vampire, that is! You see- he's a bloodsucker who could never bring himself to kill for that precious neck-ter, that juice of life. So, he works as the night watchman at a Blood Bank to get his fill. But when his boss, Mr. Crosswhite, warns his employees that he's cutting jobs due to a low inventory and disappearing blood - blood that's disappearing no doubt because Donald is drinking it - Donald is tasked with finding a way to reverse the plummeting intake. On a trial stalk, he gets a brilliant idea! Why not just kill criminals? The city's full of them. He could boost business at the bank and rid the streets of thieves, killers, and rapists at the same time. But his plan isn't without its' perils. The newly heightened murder rate on the street draws the attention of a master vampire hunter, the newly heightened volume of business at the bank raises Crosswhite's curiosity for Donald's potential involvement, and everytime he gets close to his lovely co-worker Sally- his fangs come out.

If you're going to do a horror-comedy, this is the way to do it! By hiring various skilled actors not new to the horror genre (Cat People's Malcolm McDowell, The Hills Have Eyes' Michael Berryman, and House's George Wendt) to give their best performances in a contest for who will be the most sinister. A story featuring a sympathetic vampire isn't new and this could easily have gone the tragic route, but the comedy here is well-written and planned. A lot more sophisticated than simple crude observational humor. The music isn't taking this very seriously. Nor are the graphics of spinning newspaper headlines and montages of people being hoisted away by our title ghoul for draining. No, you won't be scared but, if you have a pulse- you should find it to be very entertaining. I sure did. It has everything: horror, comedy, romance, a good director, and a talented cast- who all give classic villain and hero / heroine performances. This little 'bite out of crime' caper is good bloody fun all around.



Episode 8: Easel Kill Ya


Plot:
Jack is a painter who has a problem tuning out the darkness and intensity inside his head. But after meeting sweet fellow obsessive Sharon, he wants it all to go away- to have a chance to become a new and happier guy. Then one night, he becomes inspired to paint something new. After he accidentally causes the death of the man in the apartment below him, he takes photographs of the body and paints that. While trying to sell it, he meets morbid art collector Malcolm Mayflower who buys it and offers Jack $20,000 for his next death-inspired painting. That's a lot of money. All Jack needs is another accident.

Another surprisingly ultra-serious episode. As a thriller, psychological or shallowly superficial, the mood here is dire and aptly broad. And that's all that matters for a 30-minute cable tv project. It seems to be trying for analytical deep drama and it's a little silly for that. What really gets this episode going is what it seems to be suggesting even if it doesn't realize. And it's got one of Crypt's best villains- William Atherton (Ghostbusters). A manipulative, smug, and passive-abusive figure in Jack's life. You have to love his cocky "show me what you got" attitude with him pressuring Jack to prove he's morbid, when it quickly turns into a cool and detached challenge to explore his inner-demons. He's definitely playing the devil on Jack's shoulder, without having a clue what havoc he's causing. Jack's desperation is a kind of prize all its' own to this guy. This basically overrules the unbelievable turn at the end, where he dishes out $100,000 for a dinner-plate-sized cardboard "painting" that's just red with a little of what looks like fake pink brains on it. Even a pre-schooler could do something more impressive than that.



Episode 9: Undertaking Palor


Plot:
Josh, Jess, Norm, and their other friend are big horror movie fans. Josh is a budding wannabe director with a video camera. After he teases Norm a little too much, Jess dares him to prove he has the guts to make a real horror movie. So they break into the local funeral home looking for a corpse to film. What they find is a lot more horrifying- the undertaker is conspiring with the town pharmacist to kill citizens and overcharge them for the funeral costs then split the money between them. The friends have to do something. But they're just kids- how can they prove any of this?

This episode is a bit of an enigma. Since these episodes are always like mini-movies, that's how they should be judged. And the kind of movie this would've been is always rated PG-13. But it's spiked with a lot of things that are highly inappropriate for the very young kids who we see to be doing: killing, swearing, talking about sex, and committing other adult acts. This is way beyond The Goonies. And I don't care if this episode wants to be really immature. It is. But, by the end, it seems to be making a bizarre statement about how "movie" violence leads kids to become violent in real life. Is that really the message a popular horror film or TV series wants to be sending? Disturbing- in the wrong kind of way.



Episode 10: Mournin' Mess


Plot:
Dale Sweeney is the worst kind of reporter. He lies, cheats, asks insulting questions, is a scoundrel with women - the kind who wants nothing to do with them the morning after, and can't keep a friend in the world. After a long period of being dried up, he finds himself stuck between two hot stories: some unseen mad mutilation-killer is tearing the homeless people of the city to pieces, meanwhile a group of wealthy enterprisers form a new 'society' to pay for the graves of dead people who can't afford a burial plot. He decides to tackle both at once, interviewing the leggy chairwoman for the Grateful Homeless Society during the day, and following up homeless Robert's - the police's #1 suspect for the homeless murders - leads at night. Then Sweeney's evicted from his apartment. Now he's homeless. And surely prey for the creepy Robert... until Robert shows up in the alley nearly dead. If Robert's not the homeless killer... who is? And what kind of secret was Robert trying to tell him before he died?

This is one of those "they really had it coming" episodes. Where you want to see something truly awful happen to the main character. So much so that the details end up being really unimportant. And this ending does not fall short on that account. There is a creepy vibe throughout that works wonders. And just when it looks like the ending will be a bore, Tales from the Crypt pulls out probably their all-time greatest (or most gruesome) shock reveal of all. You should only have seen my reaction to this when I watched it as a kid. Like a lot this season has put onscreen, this final reveal is the stuff of pure nightmares. It's intense exactly when you'd expect it to be laidback and creepy when you really need a break. And, unlike episodes that will come in later seasons, in "Mess's" cynical vision of the cutthroat world of the main character's chosen profession - journalism - the adults act like real adults.



Episode 11: Split Second


Plot:
Liz is a very unhappy waitress at a bar in lumberjack country, where the men are rude, and other women just don't exist. One night she meets Steve Dixon, who's willing to fight other men over her. She likes this. Soon the two are married and she shacks up with him in his mountain cabin. But the honeymoon is short- Steve's jealousy doesn't stop at bar fighting. He's practically willing to kill anyone who even talks about her. Even the sex becomes boring. And Liz hates nothing more than being bored. Then, Ted shows up at her door looking for work. He's not like the other guys. He's kind, genuine, and very naive. But he's good at chopping, so Dixon hires him. Even though he suspects Liz has taken a liking to him. And so begins a game of cat-and-mouse between Liz and Ted. One with at least two surprise players too many.

Here's one of the show's sleaziest and most nudie-rific episodes. Michelle Johnson (Death Becomes Her, Dr. Giggles) shows off her huge boobs and gropes Billy Worth's crotch through his jeans in closeup. I can't tell what this episode's real flaw is, but it's either the wife or the husband. Or, maybe it's the sexist black lumberjack. Why is he such a hypocrite? He'd "pet" her if she asked for it, yet he's the most self-righteous about telling all the guys how she's trying to ruin all their male bonding. This one could use a little more sensitivity, or equal-opportunity sexism. You get a good feel for her character at the start but, she just can't make up her mind. She blames money for why she's stuck in these hopeless situations and for why she pushes the mens' buttons. And the husband blames pressure from environmentalists for some of his psychotic rage. He's good at psychotic rage, making for a real compelling psycho-villain. And as for her, her theories on "boredom" mixed with the great piano score give this episode some real fear flavor. But, if there's a point here- it gets lost in the utter haze of hypocrasy which is flaming more than Ted's loins.



Episode 12: Deadline


Plot:
Charles McKenzie is a drunk. At night. During the day, he's a pathetic begger who drains his sister's social security to pay his rent. He used to be a top newspaper reporter. Now he has to beg his old boss just for a chance to bring in a headline story. His boss wants a murder- nothing else will do. He thinks his losing streak is over now that he's met a real live mystery woman, the sensuous Vicki. He even vows to quit drinking and starts making good on it. But when he goes looking everywhere for a murder, he can't find anything. None of his contacts will help him either. He becomes desperate. He's going to get a murder- even if he has to commit one himself.

This episode was really on its' way to becoming one of Crypt's all-time best. The acting is first rate, the writing is fantastic. The story is fascinating. The characters are well-defined. There's just one very big problem: the ending. It's not a typical twist, to put it lightly. With 10 minutes left, you think this episode's only at the middle. But the ending has already begun. And it takes forever - again, it's fascinating. The tension is finally mounting. Things are getting unbearable. In a good way. You're ready for the big climax... and then... Nothing happens. The ending is basically taken from a mile away in the story and there are no details to explain it. We're missing so many things we need to know. What the hell happened? Beats the hell out of me. This ending has left to this episode being written off as bad by a lot of fans. With good reason. They have every right to be mad. As for me and this ending: I'll never get it. It's un"get"table. You just have to chalk it up to being one of life's great mysteries.



Episode 13: Spoiled


Plot:
Janet is a lonely housewife, hopelessly addicted to the world of tv soap operas due to her husband Leon's addiction to his work. He's a doctor using new mad science to try freezing the brain of his patients long enough to perform very difficult body transplant operations. Every night she longs for him to come home and make love to her. But she's getting tired of waiting for him to warm up to her. Then, one day she has a problem with her tv reception and calls for a cable man. That's when Abel shows up at her door. Perhaps he's the ultimate answer to her loneliness problem. All she has to do is make sure Leon doesn't find out.

Here's a fun one, though it's not perfect. I think the problem is him. I can't for the life of me figure out why he won't get an assistant to help him do his experiments. He has no time for anything else because he wants to do everything himself. Yet, he has time to question her extra-marital activities and to be nasty to Anthony LaPaglia's (Innocent Blood) character. There are so many scenes of hubby disappointing, standing up, neglecting, and ignoring his wife - driving her to many acts of desperation - where does he get off being upset when he finds out she's cheating on him? If ever a character deserved a free-pass to cheat on their spouse, it's this woman! So, this episode gets high-marks for originality and novelty. But, even though the ending keeps in context with the soap opera meets mad scientist vibes of the episode, it could have been more satisfying if the husband were the one being experimented on.



Episode 14: Yellow


Plot:
Lt. Martin Kalthrob has one mission: "take that hill." Instead, he orders a retreat because he wants to save as many of his troops as possible. This does not make his father, General Kalthrob, very happy. Nor do the rumors among his troops that Martin is "yellow" (a coward). The General sees this as a threat and will do anything in his power to prove it's not true. Even if it means getting Martin killed. First he orders Martin to take a small group of soldiers on a suicide mission to fix a broken line. Then, when Martin is the only one to return, he sentences his son to death for cowardice. However, the General has a trick up his sleeve to spare Martin a horrible fate. That is... a fate the General sees as being worse than Martin dying. Martin might not agree.

This is the best war-related piece of filmmaking I've ever seen. It's tight, concise, and absolutely spine-chilling. War films never before saught to change my mind about what war is - a necessary evil in life (much like abortion). I never once flinched on my personal convictions watching crap like Glory or The Alamo (2004). This is the kind of thing that sort of shoves the words of both sides down their throats. For example, I always clapped whenever Michael Moore would accuse the politicians who supported war of purposefully not sending their own kids into the military. But when you watch this, you have to agree- Martin's no better than any of the other soldiers getting torn to pieces. What makes his life any more important? And, when Dan Akroyd's character suggests his father's being hasty by condeming Martin to the firing squad- wouldn't he do the same to any other lieutenant showing "cowardice in the face of the enemy"? This episode has an ugly streak that forces us to accept, in a situation that can't be changed, the consequences for everyone's actions- even if we would have done the same things.

Then... we have the whole issue of father versus son. Kirk Douglas is such a bastard to his son (naturally). The son gave his whole life to make his father happy and his father never gave him anything real in return. This pattern obviously set a precidence in their relationship where the father always takes and expects the son to always give. The one thing Martin fights him on is not wanting to go to war and wanting a discharge. He also lies and manipulates Martin into behaving the way he wants too. As though always complying with his demands wasn't good enough. This episode perfectly illustrates the expectations of complete-sacrifice on the part of pro-war zealots (that are at least secretly present in them). Most importantly though, this relationship is so typical to parental manipulation. Martin just wasn't smart enough to see through his father's lies. Why would he be? He grew up to be the man his father wanted him to be- submissive to the point of not being his own man, able to make his own decisions. This is a tragic piece of television, a deeply horrifying episode of this horror series, and the best episode of Tales from the Crypt. Ever.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: None but the Lonely Heart


Plot:
Howard Prince is a real romantic with a thing for older women. All he wants to do is love and be a companion to women who have very little time left. Of course, all the women he marries also happen to be quite wealthy and more than happy to allow him to manage their money for them. Then they die and, weren't they so sweet to leave him everything in their wills? This is a risky venture too and he doesn't do it alone. His partner informs him that their time is running short- the law is very suspicious of all the money the seem to be collecting and the bodies that are piling up (3 so far). Howard is not ready to quit yet, he insists 2 million isn't enough to split between the two of them. He just wants one more woman's fortune to add to the collection. But this last one isn't going to be so easy.

This just in: Tom Hanks kills himself! In this episode of Tales from the Crypt, that is. Since he's the director, it was his decision to knock himself off. And his involvement in this show attracted some big time talent- Treat Williams (equally irresistable in Smooth Talk) and the often horned-up Frances Sternhagen (Misery). This one is, naturally since it's got Tom Hanks' name on it, acted and written more the Hollywood way than the rogue HBO way. But thankfully, Hanks does know the audience he's making this episode for and doesn't shy away from the dark side. One problem- the set-up for the twist gets us all excited and when the twist finally comes... I won't say it's a complete letdown. But- I expected more. It's a bad twist (at least for a season starter episode 4-seasons into this show) with one saving grace: great camera angles. I'm honestly surprised Tom Hanks' one episode was so gory but overall, it's just entertaining enough to be a highpoint for one of the show's lesser seasons.



Episode 2: This'll Kill Ya


Plot:
George Gatlin is a nasty college grant-man who works in a medical research lab and his fellow researchers are not at all happy with him. They're working on developing a new cellular treatment to help cure diseases. What they have is something very experimental, dangerous, and not ready for human testing. But not according to George, who's just made a huge press release stating that the cell is ready for human testing. His assistants Pack and Sophie inform him that if the cell is tested on a human- it would kill them. But George doesn't care about the details, all he cares about is funding. So, the outraged Pack and Sophie decide he needs to be taught a lesson.

This episode writes some interesting scientific details, but in terms of execution and horror, it's no more than a bad cross between season 3's "Easel Kill Ya" and "Abra Cadaver." There's some good style (brilliant blue lighting and flash cut hallucination montages) but it's dominated by a lot of boring shouting scenes where the characters could be saying more, and the actors are pretty irritating. Nothing special. Unless you're all that thrilled by the really elaborate, passionate, and intense sex scene between Dylan McDermott and Sonia Braga. Which, unfortunately, is the highpoint of this ep. Cleavon Little died less than 4 months after this episode aired.



Episode 3: On a Deadman's Chest


Plot:
Danny Darwin and Nick Bosch have been good friends for a long time but they've been playing in their popular Guns 'n Roses-ish hard rock band for years now and the tensions over Nick's new wife Scarlett are reaching boiling point. Danny doesn't like Scarlett at all and Nick and Scarlett are getting tired of him and the tour girls who are now his only friends always insulting her. Then one day, Danny's latest groupie takes him to voodoo man tattoo artist Farouche to get him a very special new tattoo. A tattoo that "tells the story" of Danny's skin. Danny is not happy with the finished product: it's a tattoo of Scarlett!

Remember Wayne's World? What do you think a movie / tv show would be like had it focused on Crucial Taunt rather than Wayne & Garth, and made Cassandra a groupie rather than the gutsy and powerful lead singer? Well, I don't know if it would be like this, but I sure as hell hope it wouldn't be. This thing is nothing but one long, sexist, stupid cliche. There's the asshole lead singer (Axl Rose inspired?) who hates women (unless he's having sex with them) and swears like an idiot, and his bandmates are devoted dopes who put up with his endless tantrums. And of course, a blonde groupie shows up in his dressing room and opens her corset, letting her boobs fall out... because, that's apparently what the director / writer think all horror fans want to see. Or, is it the long-kept secrets of the real lives of rock's hard and fast-living stars finally revealed to a shocked public? Either way, disregarding the fact that these are the most tired "rock band" cliches in the book, the episode also has an irritating pretentious streak a mile long- thinking this is a gritty, realistic way to view the behind the scenes antics of a believable hard rocking band. The antics are believable enough... but just because they're unpleasent (and, if you think about it, depressing) doesn't make them compelling or horrific. A misogynistic murder and some voodoo are thrown in for "good measure." A total waste of Tia Carrere, and Heavy D- who literally is the only even slightly redeeming quality to this episode. William Friedkin of The Exorcist directed; oh how the mighty do fall. The 2nd worst Crypt episode ever. SKIP!



Episode 4: Seance


Plot:
Alison Peters and Benny Polosky are loser con artists who have a lot of trouble getting their schemes to pay off. But they think they've finally lucked into a sure thing with Prescott Chalmers, Alison's cousin- who they convince has some money coming to him in an investment account. Their plan is to get him to agree to put something like $300,000 into the account in order to buy out Benny - posing as an estate executor. Then when he does, they blackmail him for the money and keep it. In exchange to keep evidence from Chalmers' wife proving he's been having an affair with Alison. Chalmers is furious when they confront him and doesn't intend to give them a dime. Unfortunately for him, he may not have a choice.

It's not good to know the twist to an episode before you watch it. Unfortunately though, I was recording The Goonies on The Disney Channel one night back in... what- 1994, maybe '95, and HBO used to be channel #14 and Disney was #18. So, during the commercial breaks I would zip over to HBO and caught all the gore scenes to this episode. For some reason, I never forgot them. This episode, like "Lonely Heart" before it is very sophisticated in terms of writing and acting, but that will only take an episode so far. It also needs good scares, good tension, a really compelling story, or to be a lot of fun. This being a period piece means it moves slowly- which is fine if that's what you like. But Cathy Moriarty's acting style usually works better with frantic pacing (see: Casper). Though she's absolutely elegant and impeccably well-dressed here, this episode lacks any real fun, tension, or darkness. It's graphic. But that and the final pun (which is displayed right on the back of the DVD boxset, so you're going to have this twist ruined for you one way or another) are the real excuse for this episode's existence. That's not exactly enough. John (Killer Klowns from Outer Space) Vernon is the episode's best feature.



Episode 5: Beauty Rest


Plot:
Helen is an aspiring actress who's been aspiring for a very long time and just can't get a part. She thinks it's because the directors all expect actresses to sleep with them. Also, she rooms with model Joyce who gets every acting part she screen tests for and has a suspicious habit of getting the parts Helen wants. She doesn't have a job and Joyce has one too many, including a spot in a beauty pageant which has been fixed in a note to George the emcee so that Joyce is the winner. This gives Helen an idea: George hasn't met her. Why doesn't Helen just steal the note and pose as Joyce in the pageant? There are a few problems with this plan, however. Not the least of which being that she has no idea what the winner of the pageant will get.

And we arrive at my weakness: I'm always excited to see anything in the horror genre that has to do with women social climbing, back-stabbing, and/or any plot involving beauty, vanity, modeling, eating disorders, etc. And unfortunately, the reason they don't make many horror movies about these subjects is because the filmmakers / writers don't seem to know anything about them or take them very seriously. This episode is visually too dark (it's very hard to see at times) and sometimes very cool and stylish. But...this has probably the worst twist of the entire show. I mean it. I literally pointed at the screen and "WtF?"ed at least once. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. I'm dying to spoil this one for you, but I won't. I'll just say- this is more infuriating than "Deadline." Because to them, there's nothing missing. They think they explained everything. But in fact, there are dozens of questions you could ask about the final scene in this episode. Again, it makes no sense at all. And really, the important thing to note is that it's just a copy of the 3rd season's amazing "Top Billing" with women instead of men. I don't want to sound heavy when I still kind of enjoyed the episode up 'til the last 5 minutes, but it's kind of insulting that this is the best thing they could come up with involving a beauty pageant and backstage bitch antics.



Episode 6: What's Cookin'


Plot:
Fred and Erma are husband and wife restauranteurs. Fred has a vision: he wants to become the Col. Sanders of seafood- his restaurant only serves different kinds of squid. But the place hasn't exactly been a success. Their most regular customer, cop Phil, can't stand their food. And they owe a ton of money, especially to landlord Chumley, who's ready to evict them. Then, when things are looking their bleakest, they open the fridge and find some steaks their waiter Gaston insists have been cured from a secret family recipe. Just cooking them sends an aroma into the air that starts bringing customers in off the streets. Their new steak is a huge hit and every day, they're making thousands of dollars. Erma and Gaston are thrilled. But Fred doesn't seem at all excited. He's keeping a horrible secret from Erma. Could it have anything to do with the mysterious new steak recipe?

This episode is regarded by the general public, mainstream entertainment sources, and many fans as the show's best and most remembered episode. It's not the best, but it's definitely up there. If this season has one recurring theme, it's: confusing the hell out of me! Too much happens and leaves vital pieces of information behind (especially "Curiosity Killed" and "Beauty Rest"). Here, I think it's important to know whether Christopher Reeve's vision is to cook squid for his customers because it's unique or because he really knows how to cook squid. Trust me, it makes a difference. Without squid, there would be no progression into cannibalism in the first place. And- why would they open a restaurant if the husband and wife don't know how to cook? So, you're sitting there and watching this episode. What do you see? People eating steaks. Lots of shots of people eating steaks. That's the horror of this episode. That the tone of darkness and oppression lifts and the episode eventually celebrates the restaurant's success, while it's your job as the viewer to remember that the clientel are eating people! Eating themselves. Eating: YOU! It's a very good episode with several clever turns along the way to an obvious but very satisfying final twist. But personally- cannibalism isn't that scary. Meat is meat, no matter where it comes from. Hell: I wouldn't even have a problem eating cooked meat from a human being. So long as it tasted good. Is that scary to anyone?



Episode 7: The New Arrival


Plot:
Dr. Alan Getz is a stuffy call-in radio psychiatrist with a nasty, condescending attitude. Station manager Rona is tired of his poor ratings and of how rude he is to his callers and wants to pull the plug. So in an effort to draw in listeners, he decides to stage a "house call" episode from the home of frequent caller Nora and her retarded daughter Felicity. He arrives, with Rona and producer Bonnie in tow, and they quickly realize they might be a little out of their depth here. The place is an absolute madhouse replete with a library load of self-help books, electrified doorknobs, a junkyard full of old furniture and toys and television sets that look 40 years old, walls covered with used wads of grape bubblegum, tortured insane screams coming from the upstairs floor... and you don't even want to know what's in the attic! Nora warns them not to go upstairs. They don't listen.

On some level, this episode is a copy of the 2nd season's "Television Terror," only it involves radio and a phone-in child psychologist instead of a TV talk show host. David Warner (The Omen, Scream 2) plays a classic pompous jerk. None of the twists (there are several) here are satisfying but this manages to be one of the creepiest and most awesomely bizarre episodes of the series- thanks no doubt to director Peter Medak (The Changeling). There's just something about a group of outsiders in a mysterious place with secrets and imminent violent death that is an instant recipe for unsettling scenes and a freaky 'anything can happen' atmosphere. This one has more directness than its' cinematic inspiration (undoubtedly: 1976's Alice, Sweet Alice) and one highly memorable death scene. Oh, and Zelda Rubinstein (the Poltergeist series), Twiggy (Absolutely Fabulous), and Robert Patrick (The X-Files) in great supporting roles. Really good writing as well. One of this season's best.



Episode 8: Showdown


Plot:
Billy Quintaine is a wanted gunslinger with a trail of dead bodies in his wake. On the run from a lawman who vows to bring him to justice dead or alive, he enters a dusty ghost town. Though he's never been there before, he's shocked to find that he recognizes everyone. What is this place? What's going on? And, what other surprises are in store for Billy?

Richard Donner, of Season 2's miserable "The Ventriloquist's Dummy" - which I know I was really hard on - returns to the Crypt for this much improved little western yarn. There's not much here in terms of story. There's a twist, it's incredibly obvious. But at first, the twist brings out the toughguy's vulnerable side, making the typical action-themed piece a lot more existential and him... well, it's only some people's cup of tea, but: he admits his weaknesses. I appreciate that. Then, of course, it just plain gets silly. The shootout finale takes forever and seems to be shot in super-slow motion, the "back to the future" twist keeps going long after it's clearly used up its' novelty value, and then there's an absurd "buddies" coda that just begs for the palm-to-forehead slap. In the eyes of most viewers, I expect this episode will bore them. Until the end, I was pretty plugged-in though.



Episode 9: King of the Road


Plot:
Before Joe Garrett became a respected officer of the law, he lived life on the edge as a rebel drag racer- one of the best in fact. He was so good that - though his true identity's been carefully hidden - his nickname, Iceman, hasn't been forgotten. One day, a mysterious young racer Billy shows up at Joe's home asking strange questions. He knows too much about Joe's past and wants something from him. Something he's ready to take at any cost, even if it means putting Joe's teenage daughter Carey in harms' way. Now he's gotta race the insane kid or Billy swears he'll kill Carey.

I won't forget this episode very soon after seeing it. But that's not because it's memorably good or bad. It's well-paced and the acting's not bad. But on this show, that doesn't amount to much by itself. After it's half-over, boredom has set in and your mind starts working on what the twist will be. Is Brad Pitt a ghost looking for revenge? Are both racers going to die in a tragic accident? Will one of them accidentally kill the daughter? Will the daughter accidentally kill the father? Will other cops show up and accidentally kill all 3 of them? Will something go wrong with the cars? Will Brad Pitt win the race and be set free by the father? Will the daughter shoot someone with the gun? Sorry to spoil the surprise, but - there is no twist here. None whatsoever. Just the promise of a dramatic showdown race between Brad Pitt and the father, a very undramatic race between them, and a very abrupt end to the race with a surprisingly obvious outcome. Think real simple. This is a bad episode. Not because there is no twist (though, that's part of it). But, because the ideas add up to nothing, it lacks any and all sense of horror or danger, and the characters are completely hollow and boring. You only have yourself to feed on. So let's hope you have a good imagination.



Episode 10: Maniac at Large


Plot:
Margaret is a librarian having difficulty adjusting to her new life in a big city. Everything scares her. And her job isn't as peaceful as she probably wanted. Her boss Mrs. Pritchard is strict and demanding, the security guard is creepy and sneaky, and the people who come in to read are rude and too talkative. To make matters worse, there are reports everywhere about a maniac killer on the loose who's murdered 7 people so far. Then Mrs. Pritchard makes her work late. It gets dark and quiet and Margaret looks around- she's alone and easily startled. Every few minutes, someone appears and wants something from her. Each time, she gets more and more on edge. She hears noises. She sees someone in the basement wielding a knife! A man outside the closed building is banging to get in. A shrieking alarm goes off. The phones won't work! Earlier she was told by a creepy bookish man the killer's next victim will be a woman. Will Margaret survive this night of terror?

I guess something about having John Frankenheimer, Blythe Danner, and Clarence Williams III on the same episode classes things up a little. This sophisticated yet wild and paranoid suspense yarn is a new kind of fun for the series. The dialogue is indulgent but damn smart, well-played, and unsettling, and Danner's bouts of hysteria do pay off by the end for what has to be the show's single most genius twist ever. Pay close attention to the dialogue. Brilliant. Another episode for the Crypt Top 10.



Episode 11: Split Personality


Plot:
Vic is a Vegas gambler and con-man who could be happier with his current circumstances. He's tired of dodging feds and doesn't like the fact that his cons are too small. He wants to settle down and have a real life. But in his day-to-day existence, his luck just isn't good enough. Until one day when he has a car accident. Oh, no! Right? Oh...yes! Vic stumbles onto his dream situation- two young, lonely, rich, and recluse gorgeous twins who love to hear people talk about their father. Sweet talking these two is easy and they're so grateful to him for making them more outgoing. And to get his hands on their fortune, all he has to do is make them believe there are two of him so he can marry both. Again, surprisingly easy- he comes up with the image of a twin brother and the perfect excuse for why they can't be together at the same time. The girls are in paradise, Vic couldn't be happier. Everything's perfect except for one thing. The real twins are hiding a secret of their own...

Joe Pesci. Is there anything else that need be said? Hot off doing the hilarious My Cousin Vinny, he nails this portrayal of a gambling slimeball con. Except for the fact that Pesci's character is such a despicable, mean-spirited pig at the start, and that a scene with a hooker is straight out of a gangster movie (I'm not at all big on gangster movies or wannabe hyper-realistic drama), this is a free-wheeling and darkly fun little piece with good "smart scumbag" dialogue (Vic is a believe enough professional conman), and a pretty gross final gag. There's not much more to say about this one. It's all about the acting and the bizarreness of a 90's gambling piece where the women are really the main attraction. For more than just their looks. These twins are creepy!



Episode 12: Strung Along


Plot:
Joseph Renfield is a sweet aging puppeteer and former TV star who's having a lot of problems with his younger wife, Ellen. She's particularly unhappy with how much of a recluse he is- they never go out anywhere together. And how jealous he is that she's a popular actress. This gets to be such a problem that she doesn't spend much time with friends anymore. He also has health problems and is becoming deeply sorrowful and depressed. He talks to himself, they start drifting apart. Then, he gets a letter that cheers him up. He's been asked to participate in a television special and they want him to do one of his old puppet acts. But Ellen doesn't want him overdoing it so he agrees to hire an assistant. Along comes David. And he wants to change the old act. He's also only too happy to stir things up even more between Joseph and Ellen. Leading Joseph to start talking again - about doing something to fix the Ellen situation. He wants to divorce her. But his puppet Koco has something deadlier in mind.

Kevin Yagher strikes again! A bit of a mix of 1978's Magic, 1988's Child's Play, and season 2's "Three's a Crowd" with "The Ventriloquist's Dummy"...and a little of season 3's "Spoiled." Donald O'Connor's kindly old puppeteer is too old-fashioned and all the people he knows are too obnoxious. And his sweet old man routine does not mix well with the unbelievably shrill and callow soap-opera theatrics of Patricia Charbonneau, nor the intensely seductive bedroom-voiced Zach Galligan (Gremlins, Waxwork) who is so irritatingly child-like here, he borders on prepubescent. At one point O'Connor mentions Galligan kissing his butt... that's exactly what it feels like he's doing. He could be talking to anyone this way and it would come off like he was trying to seduce them. The twist comes too little, too late, and so does the blood-letting- of which there isn't nearly enough. And in the meantime, all this episode has amounted to was a really, really, really bad soap-opera ... about a puppeteer... and a creepy clown marionette... Huh? This one is so bad, it hurts.



Episode 13: Werewolf Concerto


Plot:
AAH! There's a monster on the loose! A rustic, upscale woodland resort hotel is being stalked by a vicious killer. 3 guests are dead already! And not just dead- torn apart too. Which leads the remaining guests to believe the person doing this isn't a person at all... but a werewolf! And no one can leave either, since a storm has caused damage blocking all exit routes. No need to fear, however. Entertainment director / host Mr. Antoine assures his guests that the beast will be exterminated before the next night's full moon - one of his guests is a "Werewolf Hunter" and has agreed to kill the dreaded night-stalker. This gets the guests all excited... Who could it be? And, more importantly, which one of them is the werewolf? Though nobody seems to be worried about that. Which is suspicious. Are there other ghastly secrets the guests are hiding? And will they kill to keep the others from sniffing them out?

Finally: some more fun injected into this often dreary season. This episode benefits mostly from another great cast. Which includes Timothy Dalton, Beverly D'Angelo (the National Lampoon's Vacation movies), Dennis Farina (Get Shorty), Charles Fleischer (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), Reginald VelJohnson (Family Matters, Die Hard), and world-famous chef Wolfgang Puck. But also- the pace is professional, the dialogue is well-written, the mystery is fun to guess and keeps you guessing even as it's happening right in front of your face, and the setting is just ripe with intrigue and BOO!-jump possibilities. Some viewers may have expected a bit more or found the double-twist a bit lame, but I enjoyed it a lot. Save for one very stupid murder of a newly-introduced character thrown in at the last minute that is there just to up the body count, borders on completely tasteless/tactless, and isn't as bloody as it could be. This may not stand up to repeat viewings. But I've seen it 4 times and I still like it. One of the best of, again, a really dreary season. Thankfully things change drastically for Season 5.



Episode 14: Curiosity Killed


Plot:
Jack and Cynthia are a married couple who have been married a long...long time. She is beyond horrible to him. She berates him with insults day and night, nags him about everything, and threatens to make things even worse. The last 6 months have been particularly unbearable. The reason he sticks around? He's afraid if he leaves, her lawyers will destroy what little he's got left. Yet, he's decided he'll give it one more try. After meeting new friends Harry and his wife Lucille, they plan a 'back to nature' weekend camping getaway. But the three have alterior motives for doing so. And Cynthia is suspicious of why that is, after Harry and Jack go off to do a little digging in the swamp, leaving her alone with the cryptic Lucille. They have a surprise for her. Cynthia just has to know what. She follows them out to the swamp and after seeing what they've dug up... she fears that murder is part of their plans! But... perhaps she shouldn't have stuck her nose in where it wasn't wanted. Things are not always what they appear to be.

The first thing that comes to mind while watching this is that a much same-themed segment exists in the 1983 movie, The Twilight Zone. I won't tell you exactly why they seem alike. I'll just say there are similarities in tone, as well as story. This episode is not nearly as graceful or even-handed as Steven Spielberg's piece. But it does rely on two elderly black people talking all sweet and vaguely about the wonders of their magic capabilities. In Spielberg's piece, the tone is all sweet. Here, it's... well, cranky. At best. Horror veterans Margot Kidder (Black Christmas, The Amityville Horror, Sisters) and Kevin McCarthy (The Howling, Piranha, The Twilight Zone Movie) are great as usual. But this story is a quite messy lead-up to probably my personal favorite twist of the entire series. There's another double twist here, but the first part of it had me clapping. I mean... it was SO damn nasty! How could any one character be so evil? This is pure devil stuff here. Tales sometimes produces very dynamic villains, and Margot Kidder gives this part her all. So, just try not to watch her. Just try to feel sorry for her victims. The second part of the twist made me frown, though. It's too easy to end it that way. I really felt "had." Not to mention, it ends much too quickly.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: Death of Some Salesmen


Plot:
Judd Campbell is a travelling salesman, promising those who give him money a hefty benefits package in the funeral needs of their loved ones. Selling them the concept of a memorial park that people will want to come to to grieve their deaths. But when the odd customer wants to see in person what they're buying into, he gets very in a hurry to take the money and run. Some salesmen are not to be trusted. Then, by mistake, Judd comes to the home of Ma and Pa Brackett. A pair of geezers with a real fondness for traveling salesmen who are only too happy to listen to his pitch. They have no intention of giving him any money but they don't want him to leave. Not until he meets their ugly daughter, Winona. And not until he has a look around at the items other salesmen have tricked them into buying. Items which the Bracketts have ghastly methods of 'improving'.

I probably made a mistake by watching the virtual comic of this story before the episode. Well, actually- I saw the episode when I was much younger, but didn't remember anything about it years later. Then, I saw the DVD virtual comic...and it really unsettled me. So, imagine my disappointment when the episode turns out to be a really gross hillbilly freakshow about a deformed family who want to marry off their ugly daughter (seemingly inspired by Dan Akroyd's Nothing but Trouble). The comic, in all its' hick dialogue cliches, managed to be deeply scary (and excessive, to the point of almost killing the mood). This televised episode has none of that. In fact, they really play up this guy (the often underused Ed Begley Jr., who's been doing this kind of role least as far back as She-Devil) as another insensitive, woman-abusing super-scumbag, and then place him in what must be an ironic turn of circumstances. I wasn't too keen on sitting through a long series of gross-out moments (though most of them are implied rather than shown), but I have to be honest- this is a memorable episode that's well acted and makes you think. Just enough to make you remember it after it's over. It works. Though I wish it didn't. It's easier to dismiss this kind of thing than accept that it's this good. Because I'm telling you: it's really ugly. Especially that sex scene. A latex makeup showcase-spectacular straight from hell!



Episode 2: As Ye Sow


Plot:
Leo Burne is a dry cleaning business owner who suspects that, because she's stopped having sex with him, his significantly younger wife Bridget is having an affair. He becomes obsessed with this fear and starts hiring private investigators to come up with proof, each time he's furious with the results: nothing. After monitoring her daily activities, each man tells Leo his wife is "a regular choirgirl." Still, he's not satisfied. So, he goes to the slimy G.G. Devoe, who 'specializes' in infidelity. He suggests that the reason nobody can get any proof of her cheating is because she's having her affair with the very attractive, politically radical priest Father Sejac whom she goes to see every single day. Who would suspect a priest? This leaves Leo feeling angered and desperate. So Devoe suggests they hire him a hitman to kill Sejac. That would certainly solve his problem. Right? Not exactly. Because there are a couple very important things Leo doesn't know about Bridget, the priest, and Devoe- who he suspects has taken his $100,000 cash with no intention of getting the hitman.

Every season's got to have its' token "psycho-drama" episode. An episode that has such a good cast (better than most of the others) that for a director to be able to get them on-board an episode of such a low-brow series as this, you assume it's because they're taking this too seriously. Well, forget that. This episode is too absurd to be serious. And I'm pretty sure the director meant for people to find it absurd. I couldn't stop giggling long enough to get into this guy's character. He's utterly ridiculous. I don't know if he's a caricature or what, I don't have the proper technical lingo for it. He's a joke, let me put it to you that way (the scene where he's questioned about his wife's dressing habits is a standout moment). The plot is a bore on paper but, you really end getting into it. It's just so damn quirky. Unfortunately, the twist comes and... Well, it's not that it's obvious or anything. It's not. It's clever enough. But it is a lot of trouble and a long routine. When they set up a thing like how she keeps going to confession every day... you begin to feel like you have to know what she's confessing before the ending. She's got to be doing something wrong, right? This is definitely another "Three's a Crowd," but this episode actually managed to make me question her. Even though, if you take her at face-value (and this is Patsy Kensit- nobody hires her to play two-faced or multi-dimensional roles), you know she's always morally pure. It's questionable but it's at least greatly preferred to some lesser episodes that just make you want to turn off the tv regardless of character inconsistencies. At least with this episode, you care about character inconsistencies. The casting is just to die for. Another interesting note: this was directed by Kyle MacLachlan who was the star of Season 3's awful "Carrion Death" episode. Of prior actors on Crypt to later direct an episode, he does the best job.



Episode 3: Forever Ambergris


Plot:
Dalton Scott and Ike are two rival combat photographers. Ike is the hot newcomer who's been nominated for a ton of awards and Dalton is the dried-up hasbeen who was hot and won a lot of awards years ago. But he's lost his touch. Ike, who worships Dalton, doesn't know that they're rivals and invites him to dinner at his place so he can meet his incredibly sexy and sensuous wife Bobbi. Dalton wants Ike's talent. And he wants Bobbi, real bad. Ike decides to tag along with Dalton on his latest assignment to the terrifying Central American village of Valmalera which has been besieged by germ warfare. Word has it: anyone who goes in...doesn't come out. Ike doesn't know this. So, Dalton tricks him into going to the contaminated village and taking the photographs for both of them. Now, Ike's got a deadly disease... And it's contageous!

Another pretty bad idea with an incredible amount of energy jolted into it. The actors put their all in a pack of seemingly stupid characters. Or, you think they're stupid but then they surprise you. Except for Steve Buscemi's character, Ike. He's the pawn for the whole game that takes place. Without his naivety, there is no horror. It really is a boring, depressing concept. A "washed-up" guy doesn't have "the edge" anymore? War photographers? Thank God for professional jealousy, which is obviously the seed that allows this one to get off the ground. For a while, it's all Buscemi (who's great in everything he does. blah blah- we all know it). Until we meet Lysette Anthony, who elevates the acting to a whole other plateau. And they really gave her all the meat in what suddenly becomes shockingly powerful and fascinating dialogue. This is surprising, since she usually gets the thankless role of the Euro-trash Bitch Who Thinks She's Better Than She Really Is (Look Who's Talking Now). In fact, I'll bet that was actually listed on her resume for years. She practically patented it. But she was all eyes and a voice. Here, she completely becomes this character- and it's a treat to watch. Without her, this episode couldn't even pretend it had a point - she goes on a long speech about peace and love hippie-ish stuff and her relationship with the skinny, rat-faced Buscemi. The real point would seem to be a pair of very showy body-melting scenes (though, they still have nothing on 1986's Street Trash). But I actually buy what she's selling: substance in a very nasty, very gory, very unpleasent episode. One of the season's highest fliers.



Episode 4: Food for Thought


(SPOILERS!)

Plot:
The Great Zambini and the lovely Connie are a husband-and-wife star team at the local carnival freakshow. They perform nightly to skeptical crowds who are amazed when Zambini is actually able to read their minds and then, send his thoughts into Connie's head. Behind the act however, Zambini is an obnoxious, abusive brute who beats Connie and forces her to feed him in ways that repulse her. She wants out, of the marriage and away from the freakshow for good. That's something she and handsome "fire eater" Johnny have in common. They fall in love and plan to leave together. However, Zambini now can read Connie's mind and has other plans in store for her and Johnny. But everyone at the carnival hates Zambini, and little does he know that Connie's not the only one who's being sent Zambini's murderous thoughts.

It doesn't bother me that this episode takes place at a carnival freakshow (though I have to say: another one?). Or that it's about yet another jealous husband / jilted lover / abusive man treating his wife / girlfriend like crap. Or that it's another twist so obvious, you'll groan. I'm going to spoil the episode for you, so skip through this if you don't want to know how it ends. What bothered me is how stupid the story manipulations are. You know exactly what the twist will be the very second you see that big ape in its' cage. First: the mind reading plot depends on him not being able to read her mind, she just reads him. So then, the first part of the twist is that SUDDENLY, he can now be sent her thoughts. And the first thought he gets is her cheating on him with Johnny. Which of course gives him an excuse to beat her. This is a cliche. A bad one. Overused and easily abused, and it's both abused and insultingly bland in this episode.

Second: he doesn't hear another of her thoughts... until she decides to run away with Johnny. So now, he only hears her when she thinks something incriminating? For her to read his mind, he has to SEND her his thoughts. She doesn't read his mind by accident. Though, by accident- he reads hers? That doesn't work, logically. Third: Zambini kills Johnny (again, totally predictable- you knew it was going to happen). Connie's only chance at happiness. She finds out and, well... she doesn't seem sad at all. Take it from someone who can empathize with a woman like her- I would at least cry over a guy like that. Especially when he's offering her a chance to escape. Fourth: her relationship with Zambini and why she stays with him depends on one thing. When he sends her his thoughts, he can yell in her head and make her head hurt and make her physically too afraid to "defy" him. At the end she just turns around and goes- "not anymore." Um... if it was that easy to keep him from invading her head... why the HELL didn't she do it before? Especially since Johnny's life was at stake!

After that, any other detail here is inconsequential and minor. But there are yet more flaws. It could have had some actual gore, but it didn't. Instead it relies on various gross-outs like nude siamese twins taking a shower and lots of other unpleasentries. I suppose it could have been scary, but it wasn't. It definitely could have been fun. Or funny. But it wasn't. Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) gives it his all and that's a shame. No one else does. Except for the gorilla, who may or may not be real- I actually couldn't tell. Phil Fondacaro (Troll) makes an appearence but is covered with dumb makeup. Which leaves the highpoint of the episode being a very short almost-sex scene between Joan Chen (Twin Peaks) and John Laughlin (The Hills Have Eyes Part II, The Lawnmower Man) where everything on him gets real tight. It's of course only al-most because at every turn, they rob the woman of any pleasure she might have had. Cheap, very cheap.



Episode 5: People Who Live in Brass Hearses


Plot:
The DeLuca brothers, Billy and Virgil, are bad news. Billy just got out of San Quentin after spending 2 years there for stealing money from his last job when his old boss, ice cream vendor Mr. Byrd, tattled on him. Now he's just itching for a little payback. Billy and his brother are planning a big time robbery at the warehouse where Virgil works. And Virgil's a little nervous. He just can't seem to do anything right. The big day comes and things aren't exactly going as planned. The delivery truck they try to rob drives away before they can get to it, the safe is locked before Billy can get the money out, and after Billy gives him a pep talk- Virgil kills his boss. Now they're going to do life without parole and they didn't get any money. Of course, they could always rob Mr. Byrd, couldn't they? But... well, there's something about Mr. Byrd that Billy and Virgil should really know before they go to his home.

I was all-set to write this one off; I really don't like Bill Paxton. And let's face it- after One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Brad Dourif does all his best work offscreen. Yet, somehow, despite the two of them (or maybe, to their credit)- this episode is chock full of surprises. At first, it just goes on and on about insignificant details and you get bored. You imagine there's probably a twist coming at the end (there usually is, this is Tales from the Crypt after all), but you could care less about what it is because this episode is so damn boring. Then the twist comes... and you realize all those details you weren't paying attention to were actually significant after all. I had to watch this twice to get what was going on. On second viewing- it finally hit me. This is genius! The twist at first feels like it's cheap and comes out of nowhere (not to mention, it's just damn gross!). That's because this is not the first episode to deal with this subject matter (I'm not giving it away- trust me, you have to see this for yourself). But it's brilliantly set-up and actually has terrific resonance when you watch it a second time. The entire success of this episode is owed to Michael Lerner (Elf, the Clueless tv series) whose comedic talents have never been better served (not that I've seen), and My Big Fat Greek Wedding's Lainie Kazan. My favorite moment upon reflection: when Bill Paxton is waiting for Byrd to get out of the truck and he drives away!! Watch it twice and I think you'll get a kick out of it too. A pure shocker: another one for the Crypt Top 10.



Episode 6: Two for the Show


Plot:
Andy and Emma Conway are an unhappily married couple, but Andy doesn't know it. In fact, Andy is not aware of anything beyond his job. Which is the only thing he gets passionate about. This bothers Emma because she wants someone who's passionate about her. And she's found them- she's been having an affair. So over dinner, she tells Andy she's leaving him. This upsets him so much that he kills her. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. A police officer says a neighbor heard a scream. He searches the apartment and finds nothing. Though, he obviously smells a rat. Because when Andy hops on a train for Chicago, with Emma's body chopped up in his suitcase, the creepy officer is following him every step of the way. Andy has to get rid of the evidence. But in doing so, thinking he's got the perfect cover, he makes one big mistake...

A deeply creepy suspense "will or won't" the killer "be caught" piece, this "cop hunting" episode ranks high on the genius scale with excellent performances from the two leads. At first, you have your evil killer and your hero who is supposed to take-down the killer. You know who both are right away. But the second you know the hero is onto the killer, the roles immediately switch and the hero becomes frighteningly intense and the killer becomes so vulnerable and desperate- you can't help but identify with him. This episode has been compared to works by Alfred Hitchcock and there's a classic moment here right out of Psycho. I hated Andy at first, but then... I quickly grew to feel less bothered by what he'd done after he got on the train. It's impossible to not be made uncomfortable by how close the cop gets. He invades your space too, and Vincent Spano is so stabbingly intimate. His eyes, his accusations, and his physical presence burn right through the screen and into you. You feel like he's violating you. Which makes the twist all the more effective. One you'll never be able to guess in a million years! This episode is a cut above the rest. And it still strikes me as one of the most chilling. The music score is especially spooky.



Episode 7: House of Horror


Plot:
Arling, Waters, and Henderson are 3 college kids who are willing to do almost anything to get into a fraternity but they're getting really fed up with being hazed by asshole pledge master Les Wilton. Then one day, Mona walks into the fraternity looking for a "brother house." Les invites her and her sorority sisters to the pledges' final initiation: a walk through an old haunted fraternity house where many years ago, a demented killer with a black hood and an ax was rumored to have murdered 9 people. The pledges are terrified to go in. But Mona promises them a reward if they make it all the way. Once in the house, one by one, the pledges don't seem to be making it all the way up to the attic as Mona, Les and his fraternity brothers watch the windows looking for the boys to shine their flashlights. Suddenly, they hear screams! Then a severed arm flies through one of the windows. Then... a chainsaw! What the hell is going on in that house?!?!

Overall an amusing mix of the film Hell Night with Season 2's "Television Terror," and Season 3's "Mournin' Mess." Though a long series of juvenile jokes (kissing shoes with dog poop on them and various college pranks that feel like they were hatched by The Goonies) hold it back, and this episode is light on honest scares, it's heavy on sympathetic characters (especially the adorable Wil Wheaton and the seldom-seen Meredith Salenger) and fairly old-fashioned kid-friendly Halloween novelty antics ("creepy" sound effects, body parts that are probably fake, costumes with masks, fake blood, and dares to go into the haunted-house). That's about all there is to it. It's a "take it or leave it" 30-minutes that'll appeal a little more to the Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? crowd than people looking for another "Television Terror" episode. And with beefy Brian Krause (Charmed, Sleepwalkers) steaming up the place and Wil Wheaton crawling around in nothing but briefs... I'll take it.



Episode 8: Well Cooked Hams


Plot:
Miles Federman is a pathetic amateur magician who wants fame and success at any cost. As a former assistant to Zorbin the Magnificent, a man who seems to have disappeared into thin air, it's a shame that Miles didn't pick up any of Zorbin's old tricks. Though he does have Zorbin's treasured family heirloom- the medallion that he never took off. Miles says Zorbin gave it to him, but his former assistant Greta doesn't believe him. Then one night, in walks Kraygen who says Miles should check out his show. He does and Kraygen's trademark illusion, the terrifying "Box of Death," brings down the house! Miles must know how he did it. He confronts Kraygen backstage, threatening to kill him if he doesn't tell Miles how to copy the illusion. But some dogs just can't be taught tricks.

All good things must come to an end. And this is the first episode that starts this season onto a progressively downward spiral. From wence it barely recovers. Obviously the "ham" in that title refers to actor Billy Zane, who's almost always stunningly sexy and charming but plays some of the biggest jerks to ever be seen on the big or small screens. His scumbag routine gets me on the side of anyone who's against him. In this case, it's a former assistant and his former mentor (Martin Sheen, in heavy makeup). Although revenge in this episode is particularly sweet, I'm afraid it's a painfully dull half-hour. Another period piece, which usually means: snoozefest. Why people still put more energy into making the period look believable than making the actual writing and acting interesting is beyond me. It lacks creepiness (which is depressing, considering how intense the grandness of death-defying magic tricks can be sometimes). And the villain in this case is just boring. Zane is not trying at all- he ruins at least 2 truly brilliant lines of dialogue which would have been satisfying coming from someone else's lips. And after the first episode this season, watching Martin Sheen do the same thing Tim Curry already did... Well, it just shows us what bad shape his career was in at the time. Not as irritating as "Food for Thought," but it comes damn close. Lame twist too. Skip it.



Episode 9: Creep Course


Plot:
Stella Bishop is a college student. A very good student, to be exact. She always gets the highest grades. This comes to the attention of her fellow classmate in Egyptology, football star Reggie Skulnick, who flirts with her to get her to help him on his midterm exam. She agrees. However, he later insists that he'll never learn the curriculum in time. What he wants is for her to help him break into their Professor's home to steal a copy of the exam so he can cheat his way to a passing grade. Because if he doesn't pass the midterm, he will be ineligble to continue playing football. She agrees, after he makes her a very attractive offer. However, when they get to the Professor's home on the night, Stella finds that she's been tricked. Now she's going to need to use all her knowledge from class if she wants to make it out of this strange trap alive!

Here's another episode that strikes me as being incredibly Goosebumps-esque (just so I can be sure you understand me- I'm talking about the R.L. Stein series of scary story books for children). And another ruled by a sympathetic main character. I liked the girl, the twists are especially flattering to her, and those who do wrong get what's coming to them. It lacks finese, but it's never short on ideas. I especially enjoyed that all the characters' ends are tied together by a common theme - not paying attenton to other people. And there's a great 'student becomes the teacher' subplot. Is it irony? I don't know, but it works. Some Crypt fans have remarked that the very last piece of the episode is a bit...odd. In the wrong kind of way. It definitely recalls the kind of insane b.s. seen in lesser episodes such as Season 4's "Beauty Rest" and Season 1's "Lover Come Hack to Me." But it's only the last 35 seconds. And, after all, this show was based on a pretty ridiculous comic book series. Wasn't it? I've seen worse.



Episode 10: Came the Dawn


Plot:
Roger is a handsome businessman with a big, empty cabin, and on his own for the night with nothing to do. As he drives down the rainy road, he happens upon an attractive young woman, Norma, whose truck has broken down. He offers her a ride. But she doesn't have the money to afford a night at a motel, so he offers her a room at his cabin. He's being awfully generous, isn't he? Then, when he goes to the local general store and she's alone, his carphone rings- it's a woman claiming to know Roger. While inside the store, the counter man tells Roger there's a murderer on the loose who killed a woman nearby a few nights ago. Suddenly, Roger and Norma become very suspicious of each other. Norma's been lying to Roger all night and Roger hasn't told Norma everything she needs to know about him. Both have a history of bad relationships, both like surprises, and both have surprises in store for the other. Is one of them the killer? And what other secrets are they hiding?

It's a shame this episode is on the lesser half of this season. It had so much potential. A classic premise, good ideas, and some cool slasher movie elements. Mysterious and beautiful angry woman picked up by suspicious guy with questionable motives, news of a killer circulating, they go to cabin in woods, there's greed involved, a seduction takes place, a love-triangle develops with an unseen 3rd party. Who's the killer? Where / when will they strike next? And which one of our two scummy characters will be the next victim? It would be a lot more fun if it weren't hampered by, well... sometimes, it's bad dialogue (why the hell would any woman laugh at a line as bad as: "the demeure way they go to the bathroom with their skirts hiked up around their wastes"?!?!). Sometimes it's how unsophisticated Brooke Shields' performance is. She lacks the grace to connect her dots. She hits a few of the right notes but not all of them. She's not scary enough. But then again, neither are any of the other characters. This one is trashy but it lacks creepiness. Oh... and the twist really sucks.



Episode 11: Oil's Well That Ends Well


Plot:
Gina is a sexy, savvy older woman with an eye for how to make a killing in investments. Carl is her boy-toy partner. Together, they really get off on scamming other people. By involving them in what they know is a con, then each time double-crossing their new partners, and running off with the money while the partners wait for their end of the pay-off which never comes. This time they have their sights set on something real big: oil. And so far, they've got 4 new partners and $5,000 from each of them. $20,000 is a lot... But, when they propose she get involved with them on a land deal and she has a chance to make over $200,000 more when she runs, she goes for it. Carl warns her that her greed is going to get her in trouble. It does. But Gina has a lot of tricks up her sleeve and if she's going down, she's not going down alone.

Priscilla Presley, naturally from the hilarious Naked Gun trilogy, only seems to act in projects that are - for one reason or another - complete jokes. This one is no exception. A fairly lousy and overly campy riff on sexism and the hypocrasy of feminism with a blinding number of characters. Presley rants loudly in floppy monotone and kicks shallow ass, but not before the Southern-accented gang of woman-haters get in some double-edged digs at her. The twist is a good idea but one neat explosion comes too late in the game and you have to wish there were a reason for there being so many people we have to listen to go on and on (including Motel Hell villain Rory Calhoun, whose throat is so dry he can barely speak, and The Howling's Noble Willingham). A character remarks about the desert-cemetery, "this place gives me the creeps." Really? Then, you're the only one getting them. Maybe with fewer guys and better re-writes at the dialogue, there could be room for some much-needed atmosphere. Too much talk here. And most of it cheap.



Episode 12: Half-way Horrible


Plot:
Roger Lassen is the owner of a big-time international chemical corporation who's on the verge of a major breakthrough: a new preservative that will keep food from spoiling. Ever! Wow, that's amazing. How did he do it? Well, it's a long story. One that takes us back six years ago to when Roger and a small group of colleagues were in Brazil, researching tribal zombification rites. That's where Roger developed his chemical. Unfortunately, to get where he is now, Roger had to do some terrible things. He had to explore his dark half. Now those past transgressions are coming back to haunt him. His former colleagues are turning up dead and horrible warnings show up written in Roger's home. He is horrified to learn that not all his old friends are actually dead. And worse yet- Roger himself may be the killer! He's cursed. And he's under suspicion from the local police. Now, Roger's going to have to face his dark half and pay the price for his success.

Clancy Brown, famous for being Mr. Crabs on SpongeBob SquarePants but also well-known in cult circles as the sadistic zombie-sheriff in the shitty Pet Sematary Two, gets to be a zombie again. In yet another voodoo-themed episode which goes through the motions, all of them tepid. Jon Tenney (the Masters of Horror episode "Homecoming") and Charles Martin Smith (Starman) also star and get really dumb supporting roles. Especially Smith who looks incredibly uncomfortable and unloads an insane amount of irritating one-liners in maybe a minute's screentime. And then, flashbacks. Can anyone shoot a voodoo-themed movie or show without going to the jungle? This time, I'm really not in the mood. It's not aesthetically interesting. At least, not this time. You see one jungle and one native cannibal tribe in National Geographic- you've seen them all. Martin Kove (The Last House on the Left) also snores his way through a tiny role, and his hair looks horrible. Only Cheech Marin, his 20-second voodoo ceremony, and Clancy's eventual psychotic breakdown (especially since this guy's a really big boy- watching him squirm around in a chair, especially in half a suit, is very interesting to say the least) keep this from being a total failure. Here's one spineless, back-stabbing villain I was rooting for. Though only by default, because his friends are utter morons. This one just wants to be the voodoo Re-Animator, with blue glo-stick juice rather than green. Or, season 3's vastly superior "Abra Cadaver." Either way- an epic failure. Skip.



Episode 13: Til Death Do We Part


Plot:
Johnny and Lucy are in love. Aww... isn't that sweet? There's just one problem. And it's a biggie: Johnny is owned by someone else. He's considered the property of business woman Ruthless Ruth Brazzi, the wife of an ex-gangster. And the "ex" implies that he isn't around anymore. Word has it that Ruth killed him. Word also has it, and this comes from Ruth herself, that Lucy's not the first girl Johnny's taken a liking to since being 'hired' by Ruth. All Johnny's girls have a habit of turning up dead. Lucy wants to leave the night club life and Johnny wants what's in Ruth's private safe. Together, they figure they can make a great escape. So long as Ruth doesn't find out. If she does, it could be curtains for both of them!

This episode is based on some really lame ideas. But admittedly, they do bare fruit and blossom into a few minutes of good television. Through flashes back, forward, and sideways into the mind of John (Full House) Stamos' smiles-on-the-outside but crying-on-the-inside manwhore, this one manages to go further into character details than most from this show. At least, that's surely what writer-director W. Peter Iliff's script intended. What it really is is a constant twist episode. Sometimes, it delivers a couple inspired human moments (especially Eileen Brennan's "sweet-nature" humiliation). But the reality here is- the whole thing rides on a pair of good looking faces. The cliches take hold right away and make it tame, the acting fails to cap the promising character starters, several touches of humor are unnecessary, and the episode's desire for sympathy never gets past the shallow quality of John Stamos's prettyboy face. The man is simply not deep enough to pull this off. He's not a great actor. Nor is his love interest, though her scant-clad dressing tendancy does make for one of my favorite dialogue-trades of the series; Eileen Brennan's reaction to finding Kate Vernon in her underwear is a howler.

[Lazario]

The season:


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Episode 1: Let the Punishment Fit the Crime


Plot:
Geraldine Ferrett is a cut-throat attourney with a history of controversial, high profile cases and a reputation for being really tough. Then, she comes to the small town of Stueksville and finds out what it feels like to be on the other side of the law. You see, Stueksville is a very strict town. And their courthouse has legalized torture and corporal punishment for use in the sentences of anyone they find guilty. For even the slightest offense. Geraldine's public defender, the doofy-looking Austin Haggard, knows the Stueksville system better than she does. And she should trust him. But being a fellow attourney, she can't stand him. She doesn't just want out of her bullshit traffic ticket, she wants to show off her skills as well. This turns out to not be her wisest course of action- she ends up going right back through the system repeatedly and being given a new and more horrible sentence every time she opens her big mouth. There's a chance she could get the electric chair! Can she talk her way out of that?

This is actually one of my favorite Crypt episodes. Because I love Catherine O'Hara. She's beautiful, sexy, brassy, and always hilarious. And because, naturally, I love a good cold bitch type. Which one could argue she was already playing in Home Alone (she's much more sympathetic in the Lost in New York sequel). And of course, Beetlejuice. Who didn't love her there? And she's got one hell of a supporting cast including the way too cute Kevin Cooney (Legally Blonde), the slick as ice Brit pro Joseph Maher (Sister Act), Wesley Mann (Disney's Adventures in Wonderland), and the always scary, even in comedic roles, Peter MacNicol (Addams Family Values, Ghostbusters 2). I don't know if this is funny but (with the exception of the stupid guilt-ghouls that pop up a couple times) it sure is fun. And really tense. If you thought stuff like Ghosts of Mississippi and JFK were intense- try doubling that here. In fact, it's a little too intense. I swear I felt like I'm on-trial here. God knows people who take the law into their own hands and overzealous conservative judges are always scary (of course, I found the 1991 hicktown-court comedy Nothing but Trouble to be more outrageous). But it ends up being fun because O'Hara really does deserve what's coming to her. If only they had dialed down the supernatural stuff. I mean- why do the doors of this courthouse magically lead to rooms they're not connected to? This ain't Labyrinth.



Episode 2: Only Skin Deep


Plot:
It's Halloween night, and the creeps are coming out to play. One of them is Carl Schlag, a CPA accountant; a man who just can't keep a girlfriend. His ex, Linda, says the reason for that is that he beat her viciously. And she was lucky- Carl's last girlfriend was killed! She says he did it. At a party, the word's going around: Carl's bad news. He tells mysterious, sexy, masked stranger Molly that Linda's a liar. Molly wants to leave the party and invites Carl to tag along. They go back to her apartment and have sex. When he wakes up, Molly's making a lot of noise with tools in another room. What is she doing in there? She gives him a drink and he starts to feel woozy. She's drugged him. What does she want from him? And, why won't she take off that mask?

This episode, directed by future Showtime Masters of Horror series alumni William Malone, flaunts his trademark gritty, dirty city-gothic style. Which I suspect could have worked in a different episode. Turns out though, this is really better suited to music videos. I don't know if he was ever a director of said fare, but this episode suffers from a badly constructed story with lots of little flaws. As I said before- the style is fine, and the music (score and band tunes) are sweet, tragic, atmospheric, creepy, and fun. But Carl's backstory is poorly assembled and the Linda plotline doesn't work (especially when you see how it's affected her - not only does she go looking for a fight with Carl, in public no less, but she's too immodest and aggressively foward about how helpless she was during their abusive relationship). Also, he's pretentious as hell. "I just wanna enrich an already wonderful thing"?! You've gotta be kidding me. Is he supposed to believe he means that or what? It might work if we knew the answer. And of course, there's the twist. It bites. It doesn't really make sense and it doesn't mean anything either. There's no special significance to or about it whatsoever. Initially, I gave Sherrie Rose (Season 4's wretched "On a Deadman's Chest") a lot of credit for her performance here. But now, I take it back. She's great in her first scene. But she can't emote. Not to mention, there's nothing written for her to really do. Her act becomes stale fast. She can't even pull off an easy line like, "I don't want you to know me." Then, there's an overlong sex scene that does nothing for me. Sex is for pornos. Unless there's a real point to it. Just to indulge his fantasy of being a good-guy later on isn't enough. His "change" doesn't resonate. Which is a shame, because like I said- the music here is REALLY good, especially toward the end. Kudos to director Malone though for showing off quite a bit of beefy actor Peter Onorati. But, his Masters of Horror contribution, "The Fair Haired Child" was 10 times better than this. At least.



Episode 3: Whirlpool


Plot:
Rolanda is a washed-up comic sketch artist and story writer whose days at the offices of Tales from the Crypt are numbered. When she submits her latest project, "Whirlpool," her boss Vern is furious. He's not happy with her recent work. She used to be the best writer on staff but now she can't even deliver her crappy stories on time anymore. He fires her. Now, she's furious. And itching for a little revenge. She goes to his office after everyone else in the building has gone home and confronts him; "I got a great new idea for a story." It's a story about a gal who kills her boss after he fires her. She shoots him dead and smiles. She's finally got her edge back. But that's not the end of it. There's a twist! One she might not be able to write her way out of. Literally.

I usually enjoy Mick Garris. I personally feel he's a bit underrated, though yeah he's never made a horror masterpiece up to the standards of the best from Craven, Romero, Carpenter, Argento, Cronenberg, Hooper, or many of his other favorite directors in the genre. But the general consensus fans have that this episode is weak is understandable. It's basically Groundhog Day only with a murder and comic book plot that takes place somewhere in the late 1940's. Which is fine. There's a lot they can do with this idea. They just...don't. It's not scary or tense, it's not funny or dark, it's not dangerous or particularly mean-spirted. It just shows you someone getting hastily shot and the cops show up and Rita Rudner (who I freaking love, by the way- she's hilarious... when she's doing stand-up) screams in slow-mo. And, you'd expect Rita Rudner to be funny when someone casts her, right? She doesn't even do her brilliant deadpan thing here. No sarcasm. No bite. Just an accent. And a "walk all over on me, I won't mind" attitude which isn't entertaining. That's pretty much it. Though, overall the episode scores a few points for not being as annoyingly offensive as some of the other lesser episodes of the show. Although- the opening throws in some very pointless nudity and even for a campy send-up, the introductory murder story within-a-story really sucks. The end twist is a good one. And director Garris (and his knockout gorgeous wife, Cynthia, who could have been a star on her own) put in a cameo. Also, one of Rolanda's fellow writers in the episode, Iggy, is played by Crypt's leading writer and producer, A.L. Katz. I've seen worse.



Episode 4: Operation Friendship


Plot:
Nelson is a computer programs technician and designer who's been on the losing half of the human food chain his whole life. Both personally and professionally. His company peers step all over him and ignore his brilliant work (unless they can pass it off as their own), he lives alone in a cramped and messy little void of an apartment, has no friends in the whole world, and always feels low. Except when Eddie's around. Eddie is Nelson's imaginary friend, who's stayed with him even into his late 20's. And Eddie can always cheer him up, no matter how bad things get. Almost always. Nelson's been feeling especially down since his slimey co-worker Jack has been trying to cut him out of getting his much-deserved Vice President promotion. Then, Nelson meets Jane, a very sweet new neighbor who seems to really like him. They start dating, and now that he has a friend- he doesn't need Eddie anymore. But Eddie's got a real mind of his own and isn't going away that easily.

This season so far has been only barely getting by on quirky humor and lots of visual gags. This episode just drains all the fun out of that formula- trying to copy the 90's bomb Drop Dead Fred with less dangerous schlock and funky outrageousness. I'm not kidding. This episode is like an old-fashioned issue of Mad Magazine. Awful goofball antics and a stupid silly streak of one-liners delivered by Peter Dobson (Peter Jackson's shitty The Frighteners), who just loves doing impressions. Here he forgot his only good one: Elvis (see Drowning Mona for pieces of it here and there, in moderation). The guy leaps around everywhere doing "funny" voices, lame facial contortions, and wheeze-laughing. It's not amusing. Just irritating. And outdated. And not the least bit suited for the Crypt audience, who I hope are more adult than the people behind the camera who thought this material would fly as comedy. This episode isn't even up to Goosebumps standards. We're talking naive, simpler-time, after-dinner indigestion kind of thing here. On the plus side, Michelle Burke is a likable love interest and I finally get what Sandra Bullock saw in old boyfriend Tate Donovan. He spends much of the finale in just his boxer shorts and has the body to make it work. Those are the only redeeming factors here. An easy skip.



Episode 5: Revenge is the Nuts


Plot:
Sheila is the new resident at the Grunwald state institution for the blind. Though "inmate" would be a better way to describe her. Because Arnold Grunwald runs his institution like a prison- cold, dark rooms, bad food, locked doors, no bathrooms. He sadistically tortures the residents in a variety of ways. Sheila wants out. Now! She's a real tough kind of girl. She tries to sneak out but the front door is guarded by Bruno, a vicious attack dog who's never fed. The only real way out is through Grunwald's office. And he's always in there. He makes her an offer: sleep with him and he'll let her leave. It's an offer he won't allow her to refuse. The more she resists him, the worse he makes things for her and the other residents. Her only hope is Benny, a kindly handyman who works there. He's Grunwald's brother. One thing makes her nervous about him, however. It's that Grunwald loaned him out... from an insane asylum.

This episode suffers obviously from a feel of genuine Sunday-noon fatigue. You know what I mean? That feeling of sitting around on a day where nothing is going on anywhere and you're just trying to fight the blues. On a day like that, you'd prefer to be doing anything other than watching TV. As if the previous episode wasn't boring enough, this follow-up takes forever to get going. The scenes in the blue bedroom common are especially yawn-inducing. Which is a shame, because the look of this place is so close to being creepy. I think the music score may be to blame. This episode has an underlying non-serious vibe throughout. But the music suggests that this is an ultra-serious, tragic, and overly eventful drama when in fact, nothing is actually happening. That's not a dig at the episode. It starts by building up the characters and setting a tone with the dialogue and acting. The music score fights against that, trying to create a mood of oppression. What it does instead is make you resent its' cheap operatics. Otherwise, this episode has a lot of potential. The acting is very good, the characters are sympathetic, and Anthony Zerbe is a fantastic villain. The scenes in his office are the only fun break we get from the detention center of the rest of the episode, both in terms of the visual look and the 'fancy' Renaissance-y instrumental music that plays when we're in there. One complaint with him, though: he's always quoting something. I don't mind it that much but, my God, was that last one from Romeo & Juliet (of all things) really necessary? The twist kinda saves this from total failure. The details of which are very clever. And satisfying, in a shallow way. It works because the whole episode is shallow.



Episode 6: The Bribe


Plot:
Martin Zeller is an inspector who ensures buildings and businesses are safe for patrons to be in. He's also a very moral man with a problem. His daughter Hiley has been doing more than hanging around with a real low class of people. One of them is Puck, owner of a sleazy strip club. And word of this is getting around to Hiley's upper class acquaintances and her rich boyfriend, who dumps her. If only there was something he could do to keep her away from Puck. So he becomes a fire marshal and gains the power to shut Puck's club down. Then, she gets kicked out of her college when they cut back on funding- including middle class Hiley's free scholarship. There's no way her father can afford her tuition. He would hate to see Hiley fall out of her new upper class climb. And he'll do anything to make sure that doesn't happen. Even if it means accepting a $60,000 bribe from Puck to keep from shutting down his club. Now he can afford to keep Hiley in college. But money makes people do very bad things. And Zeller has a plan in mind to do something very bad. A plan he thinks will finally teach Puck a lesson. But he's playing with fire. And when you do that, someone always gets burned...

Finally- an episode that perks the season up after what is perhaps its' longest slump ever: 4 bad episodes in a row. And not just any episode either, like a lightweight comedic romp or another non-serious "Split Second" either. But an honest-to-God dark, intelligent, highly relevant social satire. One that brilliantly points the finger at the kind of Mel Gibson or Bruce Willis thriller hero and mocks them for their middle-class appeal and conservative but equally dopey demeanor. By locating the naivety inherent in the not always obvious narrow-mindedness of their characters and dumb simplicity of the typical thriller set-up. Things in this episode only appear to be this simple. But everything's a double-edged sword. We already know how ugly and sleazy this strip club is and Puck is so obnoxious that it makes you think the only person you have to relate to is Zeller. The twist, however, reveals that there's another character deserving of more credit than you might have originally given them.

You may think upon first glance that this is a nihilistic episode about what a sad, dirty, and sick place the world is, or that it's about that kind of poor father who has to struggle with hardship and tough choices. This is almost like a freakshow, where this guy is the ultimate idiot. We know how closely he clings to his naive beliefs. Like for instance, how people are either good or bad, and are not really somewhere inbetween. That's what eventually makes this a successful and subversive little episode. When you can finally tell that it's not necessarily agreeing with Zeller. That his daughter is really a good girl at heart. There's no such thing as a girl who lives a completely clean life. In fact; there's no such thing as a completely clean life. Best of all; when Zeller does become a hypocrite, he thinks he isn't one. He's completely clueless. Anyway- great episode. Great music too. I don't know who Pray for Rain are, but I like 'em. One complaint: that damn ant-guy scene. It's the only campy thing in this episode and it's really stupid.



Episode 7: The Pit


Plot:
Felix Johnson and Aaron Scott are the two greatest martial arts fighters around. And they remain so, after their huge title cagefight ended in a draw. The public at large are debating who would have won, after rumors start over one of them having sabotaged the weapons the show provides the fighters to make the matches more spectacular. This leads to an intense war of words between Felix and Aaron's manager-wives, fiery private school snob Andrea and buxom, brash Texas brawler Aubrey, and a storm of media attention. This catches the eye of bored, rich Wink Barnum, who has the money and connections to arrange the ultimate TV event, a rematch between Felix and Aaron; "Kaos in the Kage"! The winner of which gets the ultimate prize: the starring role in 20th Century Fox's new blockbuster action flick, The Pulverizer. Now, if only Andrea and Aubrey can agree on the terms, it'll happen. To finally beat the other in their long battle for superiority, each girl expects her man to kill the other. Felix and Aaron are horrified at the idea of this. But on the night, when the TV cameras are rolling and audiences are tuned in... there will be blood.

Amazing idea... Like No Holds Barred or The Running Man, from the beginning you know the focus is going to be on the viciousness of the people behind the scenes as much or more than in front of the camera. Only where the managers are tougher than the fighters. I was really excited to see this, and hey- throw in cheeseball king Wayne Newton, and this should shape up to be a sure-fire winner, right? Not exactly. Right off the bat, we're treated to that terrible direct-to-video aesthetic of that endless parade of martial arts and streetfighting movies on Cinemax or HBO. The Steven Seagall and Jean Claude Van Damme fare. The actors playing the fighters have no charsima, there's too much focus on the glitz and flash of the bad, cheapo early 90's TV studio sets (which we saw plenty of in the dismal 80's with the perhaps underrated Running Man), and... Debbe Dunning. Do I have to say it? No serious director hires her for any ambitious project. I don't want to be a snob (though I was kinda routing for Andrea) but, with a resume including Leprechaun 4: In Space and, of course being the replacement for Pamela Anderson on Home Improvement- she's just plain grating on the nerves. If an "actress" like that is hired for one thing - to show off her huge tits - and she doesn't do it... Why hire her? Is the allure supposed to be enough? Anyway, the twist is an amusing novelty. But they could have done a lot more with it. Not to mention, the overabundant humor here doesn't really work. Had they spent more money (or had it to spend it the first place), this could have been a real drama that explored the bordering-on-sexual relationship between the two women. Their fighting is only a mere stone's throw away from what you get with married couples. I'm mostly disappointed with what the twist suggests. The girls are too busy only sniffing each other for a rat, when instead they should set their sights higher. In this case, they could have been smarter. Can't women be tough and intelligent at the same time? This predates the mainstream popularity of UFC by a decade at least. But give me Mortal Kombat any day.



Episode 8: The Assassin


Plot:
Janet McKay is living the American dream. She has a beautiful house in the suburbs and is married to a great husband. She's the perfect housewife in every way. And nothing is going to stand in the way of her dinner party at 7:00. However, when she comes home from shopping, she finds that she has three unexpected guests. And they don't knock before letting themselves in. They explain to her: they're CIA agents who've been sent to find her husband Jeremy, that he's a runaway assassin for the government who's changed his appearence and identity, and that because agents are never allowed to leave on their own- they have to kill him. Now since she knows too much, they have to kill her also. Janet insists they've got the wrong man. It's just her, all alone, against 3 merciless professional killers with guns. How will she ever beat them?

A-ha... Now this is Tales from the Crypt at its' finest. In fact, this is a classic throwback that is so freaking classic, it could easily fit in (were it actually made back then) with season 2 or 3's legendary offerings. Or even with season 5's bizarre, detailed, sexually radical fare. It could have had a little more to it. They all could. But- this one is real smart, constantly twisting, with an end both wonderfully tongue-in-cheek and pitched black as can-be, a great set-up, and a satisfying, shocking, fun follow-through. It makes the most out of its' entire concept. It's very well-cast. Including: Chelsea Field (Dust Devil), Shelley Hack (Troll), and Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys), who all do an excellent job. And it's clever and creepy in ways you might not expect. For example- the camerawork is sharp and full of tricks. I'd say more but I don't want to ruin the surprise. And this one's got a real surprise in store for you. If you've never seen it before- do not read up on it! You won't want to guess this twist before you see the episode. Season 6's best, by far.



Episode 9: Staired in Horror


Plot:
Clyde is on the run from the law. He comes to the door of Lilian Charbonnet and begs the old woman to let him in. She's suspicious of him, but does let him in. He is overly gracious and thanks her, then tells her the sheriff is after him because he had an affair with the sheriff's daughter. The sheriff knocks on her door not a minute later and tells her the reason he and the lynch mob behind him are chasing Clyde is because he killed and robbed an old man earlier that day. A minute after the sheriff and the mob are gone- Clyde shows his true colors, and threatens to kill her. She reminds him that if he kills her, he'll never get away. Then she goes upstairs... Later on, a voice calls him by his name. He sees a beautiful young woman standing at the upstairs balcony, who seems happy to find him there. He wants to get a closer look at her. But she doesn't want him to come up the stairs nor does she want to come down the stairs to him. Eventually he goes up the stairs and learns the very worrying secret the women have been keeping from him.

When R. Lee Ermey is the best actor in a movie or television episode, you know you're in trouble. D.B. Sweeney (who isn't even that foxy anyway) is a thief, murderer, and first-class jerk. We see him running through the woods in some southern state and he finds a plantation-like home and a dried-up southern-belle and the whole thing reeks of someone behind the camera having a thing for Gone with the Wind. He's a really bad actor and she's (Rachel Ticotin) actually not much better. But the episode does improve quite a lot when the style really kicks in (director Stephen Hopkins has no real winners in the horror genre but his stuff always sure looks GORGEOUS). As soon as Sweeney starts acting like an old man and can't give us his pathetic toughguy routine anymore. Think about that, seriously- he's bullying an "old woman." How tough is that? Thankfully- it's not sleazy at all, and you're really allowed to finally get into the story once you know what the deal with the stairs is all about. And, shockingly- a classic twist ending. Surprisingly creepy. One to check out maybe once. I've re-viewed it a couple more times and I know from experience that it doesn't get any better or worse. I respect that.



Episode 10: In the Groove


Plot:
Gary and Rita are brother and sister owners of a radio station. She's a cold, bitter business woman who makes the corporate decisions and he's the station's biggest embarrassment- an angry, out of control sexual fantasy talk show host with no callers. After he loses his last sponsor, Rita shakes things up by moving his show to a new time slot and then, partners him up with bookish blonde Valerie. Valerie says she has some ideas on how to make it better. On his first night with her, things begin to get steamy. The call-in lines light up like crazy. His ratings rise. Eventually, after the first month of this- his show becomes a hit. And his sister Rita is none too happy about it. Neither, to his surprise, is Valerie. She wants him to talk about something other than sex. When he does, old family wounds open up. Rita goes on the warpath. And his worst nightmare comes true...

Miguel Ferrer is such a hottie. Now, here's a man who can (somehow) get away with a toughguy front. Though not so much in this episode, where he plays a frustrated D.J. whose show has a theme about sex. He just... complains too much. And, taking the awful twist into account, is so easy to manipulate that you realize he wasn't a strong character to begin with- unlike the toughguys in earlier episodes (i.e.: Lance Henriksen's Reno in "Cutting Cards"). The only person here with any real character is sitcom pro Wendie Malick, stunning as always as the evil, bitchy sister. It's not a great bitch role, but she looks great playing it. Then, we've got the blonde (Linda Doucett) who is pretty flat. I have a hard time believing she gets in anyone's head. Anyway, the twist in this episode is so bad, that you realize how much you wish they would have gone for something supernatural. Heck, The Ben Stiller Show did a parody of Tales from the Crypt that is shockingly similar to this episode's storyline and yet- that had a better twist than this boring "conspiracy" plot. Who else was waiting to see the ghost of the evil dead mother come back and kill someone? Also, not enough shots of Ferrer in those leather pants. Cameos include the adorable Rusty Schwimmer (Candyman, Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday) as a jilted caller (why is she dressed like she works at a fast-food chicken franchise?), and - believe it or not - the real Slash from Guns 'N Roses playing another D.J. who I can only assume is supposed to be a fake Slash.



Episode 11: Surprise Party


(SPOILERS!)

Plot:
Ray Wells is a young man who's just lucked into a big inheritance. Or so, he thinks. Following his father's death, he's now the owner of his father's properties. Including an old farm house which burned down many years ago. For some reason, Ray is much too eager to see that particular piece of property. Even after, on his death bed, his father tells him it's cursed. Also, after driving up and renting a room at a nearby motel, the woman in charge warns him he shouldn't go up to see it. He doesn't listen.

One bad door closes and another bad door opens. This time, it's Adam Storke stinking things up (his performance here makes Stephen Shellen in "Lover Come Hack to Me" look like Laurence Olivier) as a greedy little bastard son of a corrupt property owner (something to do with food, since he's a business man who owns a farm). Only to discover it's full of sorta-hippies having a drugged-out party there. Truly, the only plusses to this terrible episode are a little style and Bette Ford. I don't know who she is or where she came from, but she's amazing here. She's so good, she should have been the old women in "Staired in Horror." She's so good and spooky here, she could have been the Crazy Ralph of the 1990's. The only moment (other than her scene) that sparked any interest in me whatsoever was after the bastard-son's non-fling upstairs, you look up and see... are there huge holes in the ceiling and wall? It's trickling rain outside- it's been raining during the entire episode. They would have gotten soaked!

Actually... I'm going to spoil this one for you. I hope you're ready. The beginning and all the stuff the characters say about curses and how scared they are and all the warnings and things like, "let God be with you...," you're getting ready for a really scary finale. Then, when you see all the dancing people hanging around and you hear that kinda creepy saxophone dance song come on, you start getting ideas that you really like. Certainly, I was thinking that this episode was going to let loose in a fury at the end. Then, you hear the partiers say things like, "I'm the one who's going to" bite them, and "I was just praying you weren't going to be some pathetic little creature"... Man, my head was going crazy. This is going to be a gorefest, isn't it? Well... then Ray is about to have sex with a blonde girl and her boyfriend runs up, Ray shoots him with a gun, smothers the blonde girl to death with a pillow (all the while, this AWFUL farty-drumming orchestral score is anti-climatically roaring away), and runs downstairs where all the partiers are now standing around dead (and I'm telling you, the special effects makeup here SUCKS!) and they give him a long, boring lecture- which they end with, "we're very tired. Maybe now we can get some rest." And then... They put him down on the floor, douse him with kerosene, and light him on fire. Cheese City. And, I'm not talking about the entertaining kind of cheesiness either. BAD BAD BAD. Probably the worst of the entire season. Skip.



Episode 12: Doctor of Horror


Plot:
Richard and Charlie are good friends who've just been hired as the new security guards at Callahan's Mortuary after their boss suspects that someone is stealing bodies from their building. Their first minute on the job, they learn he was right. They catch mad surgeon Orloff - who's recently been banned from practicing in hospitals - stealing one of their bodies. He makes a deal with them: he'll pay them $500 if they'll help him get away with taking the corpse. When they get to Orloff's private slab-lab, he tells them that what he's after are the souls of the bodies he's collected. Believing the soul is tangible and located inside the body, Orloff tries to surgically remove it and keep it for himself. Richard is very excited about this new gig and the money. But Charlie, being somewhat religious, is tormented by what he's helping the insane Orloff to do and wants to go to the police before it's too late. But Richard knows it's too late and isn't going to let Charlie mess things up. Unfortunately for Richard and Orloff, Charlie's smarter than he appears.

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw... This show actually can be intelligent at times! After 3 episodes as bad as episodes 9 through 11 of this season have been, I legitimately forgot that. Finally; an episode in a string I can honestly say I had fun with! The comic talent here is just incredible- country singer Travis Tritt (who I didn't know was also an actor but is nonetheless very amusing here), the Weasel-King himself: Austin Pendleton (The Muppet Movie, My Cousin Vinny, Mr. Nanny, Guarding Tess), hunky wild-man Hank Azaria (who we all know is a genius and has huge mainstream credits to prove it), and an A-typically angry Ben Stein (usually he's just mockingly deadpan- Casper, The Mask). I laughed, I smiled, I was entertained and grossed out. The writing here is really good, the ideas are interesting, and the performances really work. As does the mindfully-creepy tone. The music score is understated and adds to the gross proceedings. And even though it is gross, the brains here really pay off. However, it eventually suffers from the series' need for a twist. So, we get the most cliched and obvious choice for a twist. It's not satisfying and it pretty much sucks the fun mood the episode built up. Otherwise, this is a great episode. And... newly-2nd careered Republican slimeball Stein is viciously murdered, then violated post-mortem by weirdo Azaria. Yay!



Episode 13: Comes the Dawn


Plot:
Colonel Parker and Corporal Burrows are two ex-soldiers with some skeletons in their closet. They head out to the Alaskan wilderness to do some animal poaching, procuring the services of a local girl called Jeri Drumbeater as their guide. She turns out to be an ex-soldier as well who was awarded a purple heart on the same mission Parker was on. The three choose an abandoned weather station as the location for their traps. But when it comes time to set them, Parker has an excuse to get out of doing any hard work. This leaves Jeri and Burrows alone and they get to talking. She suggests that Parker may be trying to cheat Burrows out of getting his fair share from the expedition. Is she trying to turn them against each other? Or... is she, in a subtle way, trying to warn them? Then, they start hearing horrible, freaky noises from the frozen bunker next door to a nearby tunnel. Do they dare check it out?

Another good episode after a long streak of losers. This one is particularly satisfying because it has a devilish anti-military revenge pay-off that I don't think anyone could have seen coming. One that also makes the most of girl-power. The set-up seems kinda stupid at first with the two jerk "man's" men, but even then it's full of vigor. Since it's so cold in this story, though, it's pretty obvious what this locale is the ideal hiding place for. Cold blood, hibernation, and since this is a horror story- hungering for human prey? I'm sure even you're going: "oh, how obvious is that?!" The acting is quite good, the music stinks, the special effects are... really icky. A lot of people will not be too happy with the creatures of this episode. I especially prefer my blood-suckers to look less like aliens and more like people. Overall, this is very effective. Since it's about war. And you have to love the awesome Vivian Wu's final line.



Episode 14: 99 & 44/100% Pure Horror


Plot:
Willa Sandleton is a luscious young artist married to older man, Luden. He's a nice enough guy. He's also the one who's basically made her name and given her a career through his line of beauty products. But Luden's share holders are convinced her "controversial" designs are partly to blame for drastically low sales. Strike 1. She is booked a guest appearence on a morning talk show to discuss her new paintings. She's enthusiastic at first, only to discover they just want to accuse her of being a has been. Strike 2. After being told Derma Smooth wants to get rid of her existing artwork, she gets really excited about designing a brand new campaign. Only for Luden to tell her the share holders have already hired another artist. Strike 3. It's been a really bad day and Willa's mad enough to kill! And she does. But before the end of this day... there may be two dead bodies.

Back to Shallow-land, for this very inventive take on the old reliable gold-digger formula. This wife doesn't want her husband's money all that much, she wants his position and power to give her a career. To use his business to force her art into the public's face. But nobody likes her Laura Mars-ian graphic art or her snotty attitude (though I had a lot of fun with it and I think you will too), and all she's left with are her looks and a strangely devoted husband who's actually willing to forgive her cheating on him if she'll just give him a little of her fire every now and then. The concept is handled with an initial plainness and a couple silly scenes of social commentary. But that's cast aside in favor of the thrill of watching her try to get away with a murder and a really nasty twist ending that can only be described as "see it to believe it!!!" A truly unforgettable episode that delivers on its' truly bizarre novelty. Cristi Conaway is fabulous here- it's a shame her only mainstream exposure prior to this was as the equally ill-fated Ice Princess in Tim Burton's Batman Returns. Rodman Flender (Leprechaun 2, Idle Hands) directs. The guy knows a few things about gore and certainly knows how to deliver some fun moments in the genre.



Episode 15: You, Murderer


Plot:
Lou Spinelli is a former criminal who is now a respected business man, tax-payer, and charity contributer. He's only afraid of one thing- people finding out about his past. When he was a criminal, he did everything- rob, cheat, and kill. He was even so afraid of anyone finding out, he had his best friend - plastic surgeon, Oscar - give him a completely different face. He just has one problem. His conniving wife, Betty, who absolutely hates him. Then he realizes... Betty knows about his past. She'll call the police! He'll go to jail! He might even get the electric chair! He tells Oscar and Oscar has one suggestion: they have someone kill her. Things don't exactly go as planned though. After a double-cross and a shock revelation, Lou dies. At least, that's what Lou has gathered from the people poking and prodding his body as he watches, saying aloud; "he's dead." Is he really dead? Is this what death is like? What are Lou's killers going to do with him next?

Maybe I'm a sucker for these after-life episodes where someone is alive inside a dead body, because GOD that is one fucking terrifying scenario. But I also enjoy almost anything with people in suits or high heels hurriedly walking over incredibly slick or polished hard floors. Here- it's Isabella Rosselini and Sherilyn Fenn clicking all over the place trying to help or hurt Humphrey Bogart, and the very theatrical John Lithgow being more reserved than usual (which still means he's flying into a rage of body movements, at least compared to his co-stars). In a very cool-looking gangster-era posh American apartment. Like the kind Sal the Shark would have, only not on the ground-floor and with fewer dead animals hanging on the wall. Another fun novelty here is the "you-are-the-main-character" point of view shot. So, everything is one big continuous long shot and a ton of wide shots. I don't know if this is trademark to any Bogart films (I've never seen one). Though Trailers from Hell informs me that this device was used at least once before in Lady in the Lake (1941). So clearly, with me style goes a long way. Apart from how cool this is (and how much I thought Rosselini made the right choice, dumping Lou for Lithgow - I guess I have a thing for funny guys), I thought it lost a little steam during the flashbacks. And, well- Isabella Rosselini isn't exactly a great actress. Her little "I'M LEAVING YOU!" tirade is just awful. Also, Lou is an annoying character after more than 10 minutes. Not to mention, this writing is quite pretentious at time. Everything sounds like it was originally written for Humphrey Bogart himself. This is one case where I really don't mind period, but... damn, not everything has to be done in that stale 1940's gangsta-ish mumbo jumbo.

[PeterPanfan]

Melrose Place: Season One - Since I recently started watching 90210, I figured it was appropriate to buy its first spin-off, and I did, on a whim. I ended up really enjoying it, despite its sometimes dry or boring-ness. I loved the character played by Sandy Locane, and was sad to see her go, but disliked Rhonda played by Vanessa A. Williams, and was delighted when she left. My favorite character, however, was that of Kimberley played by the gorgeous Marcia Cross. I'm a few discs into Season Two, and already like it better!

Also, Laz, I love your Tales from the Crypt reviews, and will look to them and post more in depth as I start the series.

[AladdinFan]

Finished watching LOST: The Complete 4th Season now I'm watching LOST: The Complete 5th Season.

[ajmrowland]

Almost done watching Smallville-the Complete First Season and will move onto Season 2 when I get it next week. Nice to see how the show's evolved over 9 seasons.


Just notice one major framing issue in a shot in the finale episode. Shifted majorly to the left.

[DisneyFreak5282]

@ DisneyFreak:

About Six Feet Under: I was very enthusiastic about this show when I watched the first season on tv, and later on dvd, but I was really turned off by season 2. I don't know what exactly happened there, but all the cynical humor of the first season seemed gone and the excellent drama seemed to be replaced by cheap soap-opera-like storylines, up to the point that I didn't even care anymore what would happen to some characters (especially Brenda). How do you feel about the transition from season 1 to season 2? And how does season 3 hold up against season 2? I stopped buying the show on dvd after my disappointment with the second season, but I can't help but ebing a bit curious nonetheless about how the Fishers went on after that...

I was absolutely in love with the first season! I feel like season two didn't quite live up to the great quality of season one, but I still enjoyed it. But season 3 is where I began to lose interest. It was just so hard to get through, but I slowly pulled myself through that season, along with the first half of season 4. Season 4 started off slowly, but there's an episode about halfway through (Episode 5, "That's My Dog") that is truly gripping and easily one of the most powerful, terrifying hour shown on TV. The season finishes off sluggishly, but season 5 sees the show somewhat return to its original form (like seasons 1 and 2), but the last half of the season will have you hooked.

I agree, I feel like seasons 3 and 4 were just horrible, because, like you said, some storylines just made the show feel like a dragged-out soap opera, especially those in seasons 3 and 4. Some stories and issues were dragged out way too long (in some cases, an entire season). After watching the series finale and some of the greater episodes in the latter half of season 4 and most of 5, it was worth sitting through the disaster episodes of season 3. I think maybe I'll have to re-watch the series again to take it all in, but that's how I feel for now.

Anyways, just finished:



Dexter: The Complete Third Season

After having this for almost a year, I decided it was time to wrap this one up. It was just an average season that pales in comparison to the genius that was the first two seasons, but the last 2 or so episodes were decent. I heard season 4 is the best in the series so far, so only time will tell!

[ajmrowland]

Season 2 of Smallville came today and Im just watching the Johnathon Taylor Thomas episode now.

[PeterPanfan]

Beverly Hills, 90210: Season 3 - I finished this a WHILE ago, lol. My favorite characters remain the same: Brenda, Donna, and Brandon. I liked Kelly a little more this season, but Dylan a lot less. David and Andrea also grew a lot on me, although Steve is still really annoying. I can't decide whether or not Season 3 or 2 is my favorite season so far, but both are close. I didn't really like any of the recurring characters, although I guess Nikki was okay. Susie is SO annoying, and even with the rape storyline, I can't feel bad for her. I LOVED the "Donna Martin Graduates" campaign, by the way! Season 4 brings the gang to college, so we'll see how that goes! Unfortunately, it's also Shannen Doherty's last season on the original show.

Melrose Place: Season 2 - MUCH more exciting than Season 1, though I hear the show keeps getting better until the sixth season. Kimberley dying and then showing up again was crazy, and her scar was horrifying. I loved Jo's "deep-sea" storyline, and how she had to shoot the father of her baby to save her own life. And then the aftermath in court was great too. Allison and Billy were about to make their way down the aisle, finally, until Allison's visions of her father's molestation of her and her sister began reoccurring. (That was really creepy; I had to fast-forward through those nightmare scenes. ) Amanda's sexual harassment storyline was kind of boring, and it seemed like they just wanted to do something with Linda Gray, who was just mediocre. Sydney, just the annoying little sister from Season 1, became the main villain of this season, plotting against Michael and her own sister, Jane. I thought the square of Jane, Sydney, Kimberly, and Michael is the most interesting aspect of the show. It originally started out as a seemingly perfect newlywed couple, Michael and Jane, and then transformed into a monstrous four-way relationship. Michael cheating on Jane with his co-worker Kimberly, and then sleeping with his ex wife's younger sister, Sydney, until Kimberly dies, only to wed Sydney by force, and then Kimberly comes back alive with a vengeance (and a scar), and everything just gets crazy from there. I'm excited.

[Barbossa]

Finished watching Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles Season 2
&
Battlestar Galactica Season 1 (the re-imagined series) - great show!