The Universe has stomped on me thread. Rant or clear the air

[Disney Duster]

Oh wow that's quite a great thing a Disney film can do for someone. I'm so glad Elsa is helping her through this.

[thelittleursula]

Mum just forced me to go back into therapy, because the Doctor demands it, so he can stop seeing me. No truly, he wants be to get better, so he can stop seeing me.

And the therapy is making me feel so, so, so much worse, because it's opening up old wounds. I haven't felt this miserable in ages.

[Disney Duster]

Oh no thelittleursual! That's terrible! I'm sorry your doctor is like that. He probably just feels he can't do anymore for you and truly cares you het better. But he, your mom, and the therapist shouldn't be doing that to you! I'm sorry it looks like you can't get out of the therapy...unless you tell your therapist you don't want to talk about that stuff. He can't force you. You are in control of your therapy. I think you can be.

[MeerkatKombat]

thelittleursula, I'm sorry you are being forced into therapy. Therapy has to be something you are open too before it can be effective.

I know therapy can be very painful but at the same time you shouldn't be content to lock these memories away for the rest of your life. If you aren't ready yet that is OK, therapy/counselling is a long process. Eventually, it would be good to discuss with the (right) therapist. When you process it is emotionally painful but that can be good because it means you are allowing yourself to move past it and work through the emotions attached.

A good therapist should never ask you to talk about anything. Its up to you to lead and them to listen. (I'm assuming it is a talking therapy you are undergoing). You should never feel forced to talk about something you don't want to.

I hope you don't take what I've said as insulting in any way.

These painful wounds you talk about - have you tried writing letters to the people involved? Or a letter to yourself explaining how you feel and why? I do this and find it quite useful. The letters are private and I don't show them to anyone but it helps me clear the air and process things for myself. Then keep the letters or burn/throw them away. This could also make you more receptive to therapy.

I also keep a notebook with me at all times and if I get some memory pop into my head, I write it down, how I felt, why I think I reacted that way......ect. I really like this and I feel more in control of my own thoughts. I confront them rather than try to ignore them.

[MerPrincessJamie]

My cousin Adam died of the same disease that killed my father and my best friend

[disneyboy20022]

Well I'm struggling with something new now.

Last week I had left a call with my gastroenterology regarding some issues I've been having the past couple a months dealing with my Crohn's Disesase and after testing two are normal and one isn't in yet. The Nurse said that in the notes it said to discontinue my Delzicol which is my only pill that treats my Crohn's Pills. Of course the reason I'm not a fan of that idea is because of the whole back in 2011 a doctor took me off those pills before but kept me off them for 9 months but my symptoms got worse but all they saw was my weight was going down and after I ended up seeing a Physician's assistant he put me back on my pills after a blood test that showed I have Ulcerative Colitis (though it is a controversial kind of test to prove it I was just happy to be back on my Pills. Then after that of course given my body was weak was the whole Herniated Disc issues and those events are flashing through my mind like crazy.

The Physician's assistant who had been seeing me left the hospital back in the summer so I ended up seeing a GI Doctor there who was very kind and did a colonoscopy and said to stay on my pills back in November and saw that I wasn't in flare up at the time.
However upon hearing that I experienced several flashbacks that are like in the scene of Toy Story 2 where Hamm is flipping the channels super fast, that's the kind of flashbacks one with Asperger Syndrome has, so I immediately handed the phone to my mom while I had those horrible flashbacks. The nurse said to continue to pills and I have an appointment with the doctor on the 17th. At first they thought I would have to see a Nurse Practitioner because the doctor was booked for about 6 months, but there was a cancellation for April 17th at 8:30 A.M.

However while I'm weary about the past repeating itself, this is a totally different situation.

This doctor is a doctor who specializes in Crohn's while the doctors who took me off my pills a couple of years ago were a primary care specialist who had slight experiences with Crohn's Like Stuff when really he should have sent me to the specialist from the get go instead of letting his prideful head go up is arse.

This doctor after last having a colonoscopy in November brought up the discussion of me having something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome which is a genetic disease where one can be super hyper flexibiblites that no normal person should have: Check

Inflammatory Bowel Issues. Check

This isn't the first time this idea has been brought up in my life. However because of him we are looking into pursuing it further.

Also this guy is a thinker and has some good ideas about things.

I guess I know the facts of why it's good, I'm just having severe flashbacks showing me the times it was bad and I'm trying to let it go, but it's hard when you have these images going through your head like a constant flipping TV Channel and sometimes at randoms. I haven't had these this bad in quite some time and I know my girlfriend is having them too from her past stuff which I won't go into.

Also if he does, I would like somewhat of a game plan of what we will do.


Just pray or keep me in your thoughts.

- Michael

[MeerkatKombat]

One of my closest friends committed suicide last week. I found out today. He lived the other way across the country and I found out through a mutual friend.
I am struggling to understand why. I don't know how to feel. At the moment all I can feel is anger towards him and I don't want to feel that.
He seemed happy. I wish I had messaged him recently. I wish I had spoken with him.
He had been planning it for over a month. Whilst I am pleased he doesn't have to fight his demons any more, I am filled with such a sense of emptiness. It's just so final and realizing I'll never receive a message from him telling me about his latest date, his daughter, what he is drinking - it's just devastating.

I just wanted to write this down as a way to process it. I don't want to bum anyone out but I needed it out. I'm in complete shock at the moment. I am haunted by the thought of it all.
I will sorely miss him.

[Princess Leia]

Hello!

If any of you old timers remember me, :wink: , it has been a very long time since I've posted here, though I do lurk occasionally. I thought it was finally time to come out of the woodwork and let y'all know how I'm doing.

Warning: long post ahead.

2013 was a wild year for our family. First off, I graduated from Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA (through their online program) with a B.S. in Multidisciplinary Studies. With that and my previous A.A. under my belt, the next step was graduate school for a Library Science Program. Since Dad was admant that we weren't taking out any more loans to cover school costs after taking out around 12 grand total to pay for tution (just tution; we paid for my textbooks out-of-pocket) to cover the four semesters I spent at Liberty, I started applying for scholarships and grants early in the new year. In June we submitted all my necessary info to a state college for their MLS program and I finally recieved word in mid July (after dealing with a couple of snafus that were partially my fault) that I had been accepted. Unfortunately, once the necessary info about tution, ect. arrived at our house, Dad took one look at the numbers and told me, "You're not going to school this fall." I just shrugged and said OK. I hadn't had any luck with any of the scholarships I applied for and it was hard trying to find any good ones. We had already paid off some of my SL when I was still at Liberty, but Dad did not want to pile even more on top of what was left. He finally told me a few months ago that we may have to end up taking out SL for grad after all. So unless I can land a part time job soon and start helping Dad pay off the current SL, it looks like graduate school is years down the road.

I've applied for several part time library jobs and a job at a local video store since December 2012. I was lucky (and surprised) to land an interview for the very first library position I applied for. Alas, it's been the only one so far and I didn't get the job. No luck since, either. I really should get back on the job search and not let any possible opportunities slip through my fingers, but I've gotten kind of apathetic.

Several family members have had health problems, but the two big ones were my maternal grandfather and paternal uncle. Papaw R. had hip replacement surgery in late September (the day after my 24th birthday, no less.) He started having hip troubles last April and was walking around on crutches by the beginning of June. It took months for he and Mamaw R. to get through the red tape and get the surgery scheduled. After three days in the hospital he came home; two weeks after the surgery he was walking around with just a cane instead of his crutches or walker. By the end of November he was back to his old self. So far his other hip has not bothered him, and I pray it won't.

Uncle S. ended up in the hospital four days before Christmas with a UTI and sepsis. Cue our Christmas Day lunch plans with that side of the family thrown into disarray. He didn't come home until January 2nd, so we didn't have the family Christmas until the 11th. We ended up celebrating my grandfather's and Dad's birthdays at the same time as well (Papaw S.' was December 30th, Dad's January 16th.)

On top of all that, I've been struggling with feelings of being at a standstill in my life. Besides the previously mentioned school and job situations, I have never had a boyfriend. Last year several of my friends from our college small group tied the knot, and I was blindsided when two more got engaged over the New Year. I am now the only member of the group who is not even dating, which makes me feel so alone - and, yes, I admit it - jealous. I finally opened up to my mom about how I felt, and she said, "All you can do is pray. If your heart's desire is for a husband and children, then pray that God will lead you to the right one." She also said that she and Dad were both glad I wasn't married yet; in some ways I'm more mature than my friends, but in other ways I'm still immature.

[thedisneyspirit]

iiii

[UmbrellaFish]

I graduated in May. A teacher I knew was charged with three counts of statutory rape today. I probably knew the student, too. It was very surprising, and very sad.

[Disney's Divinity]

Wow! That's awful.

Congratulations on graduating though, btw. I'm currently going back to college right now myself.

[disneyboy20022]

More of an Update than a rant

My Girlfriend is on stable medication and is doing much better now. She's not talking to her alters and finally watched Frozen a couple weeks ago. A person in her mind told her not to watch it because it would get her help and threaten the existence of her other personalities but she finally did it

In other news
Well after being out of school since the age of 16 ( I was home-schooled after that) because of dumb teachers not wanting to accept or understand what Asperger Syndrome was and the combination of having Crohn's Disease led me to home school I am finally going to College. It's actually a local community college that is 10 miles away. Please keep me in your thoughts in prayers as High School wasn't paradise at all coupled with no information about Asperger Syndrome 11 years ago. Elementary School was 10x worse given 17 years ago you could only yahoo Asperger Syndrome and only 2 items came to results

I'm just super nervous. I've been told College is a differ than High School but I still have reservations. One reason I'm finally going is I can walk. When I was 480 pounds a few years ago I couldn't walk at all because I was so fat. Now I weigh about 310 and have never felt better. So now that I can walk around a campus I feel it's time. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers please.

Everyone here probably knows about how a few years ago I almost died because my doctor took me Off My Crohn's Medicine for 6 months resulting in me getting sick. Though if that wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have gotten the help I have today and because I got the right help I've lost weight in a healthy way and if I would have kept going I would probably be 600 pounds right now. So I think I had to go through some living hell for two years in order to get up and healthy like I am now.

[Disney's Divinity]

I'm glad your girlfriend is doing better. My prayers going out to you for college to be a good experience now that you can experience it. Sometimes bad occurences can lead to good things, and I'm glad that's happened for you.

[ajmrowland]

Inferiority complex.

Not enough exercise.

Sugar in every. single. food.

The exercise thing conflicting with my aspie interests.

Time is money to me, and it feels like it's slipping away with each chore, and other things that feel just as unfulfilling to me.

Assholes throwing around childish insults and assumptions on the internet.

The pressure to be intelligent in an age where people highly value yet completely misunderstand it and lack the most basic perception and critical thinking skills.

[Widdi]

For the second time in less than two years I buried a dog today.

Korra was a black lab/Alaskan malamute mix who loved to run and explore the huge area of rural property I have. It was ultimately her love of the outdoors, and my unwillingness to limit her freedom that lead to her death. From the time we first brought her home she was trained to never go on the road, and she never really did. I don't know what it was last night that made her venture onto the pavement. Usually at night she just lets herself out her doggie door, does her business, chews on her bone for a bit under her tree and comes back in. I live on a street with 5 houses on it. There is never any traffic at night, but alas last night there was. I rushed home from work, usually I walk or my partner picks me, but instead I took a cab because she had been in her kennel all day (my partner was away for the day) and I wanted to let her out. If I had just waited at the coffee shop for him like we had talked about that morning she would still have been inside when that car went by and still alive today. I feel such tremendous guilt. This is the second time now I have lost a dog in this way (different circumstances, same result) and I don't know what to do. James (my partner) doesn't blame me, just as I didn't blame him when he was home alone with our other dog who was hit, but I can't stop thinking about how if I had just stuck to the plan Korra would be alive.

My heart is broken in two. My 7 year old Pug has barely left the bed he and Korra shared since it happened. This is his fourth time losing a house buddy and I feel so bad for him as well.

The ground has fallen out from underneath me, Korra wasn't just a dog, she was my rock. My greatest comfort, my best friend. No one ever looked at me with the same amount of love she did. I remember picking her out at the shelter. She was one of 11 surrendered puppies and according to the workers their the most timid, yet she ran right up to me, looked at me with those huge, almost human looking eyes and licked my hand. I took her home that night and we had been inseparable since.

I'm not a religious or spiritual person at all, but right now I am wishing so much that she is still out there somewhere, waiting for me and her other daddy to come cuddle and play with her again. I really want to believe she is happy.

R.I.P. my sweet girl. Daddy loves you and is so so sorry he let this happen.

[Disney's Divinity]

I'm so sorry. One of everyone's biggest fears, I think, and it's a sad way for a pet to go especially since they're so innocent. I wish there was a way to make animals understand why the road is so dangerous. Rest in peace.

[disneyboy20022]

Well I'm depressed.

Remember that left sided belly pain that I had 3 years ago? Well it's back in full force. It could be Crohn's related, I don't know. I do know it hurts like hell and I was praying I wouldn' thave to deal with it again. It's the pain that I had were a bunch of butt holes taking me off my pills and all that crap.

At least this time I have better doctor support than the last time. I kinda want to pretend the pain isn't back, but it is and it hurts. I had a CT scan and it's nothing obstructed or anything like that. I see the nurse practitioner this afternoon. This is the first time I've had the pain with the new primary doctor I currently have whom I truly believe is the best primary doctor I've ever had. I also have a GI doctor who can help out too. I just am tired of one thing after another. There's a song my Matthew Ballard called Where Do I Go From Here?, and in it there's a line that says for every thing that gets crossed off something new takes it's place, I wish there was a finish line to put an end to this silly race and that's pretty much my life. One thing after another after another with no in between break.

I just don't know what to do about it anymore.

[Disney's Divinity]

At least you're with a better doctor when the pain returned. Hopefully, they can help.

[Disney Duster]

Yea Michael now you have better doctors who may be able to help a lot more. Sorry this pain is so terrible and that it's always one bad thing and then a next bad thing, but in between you don't get some happy, pain free break at all?

[disneyboy20022]

Yea Michael now you have better doctors who may be able to help a lot more. Sorry this pain is so terrible and that it's always one bad thing and then a next bad thing, but in between you don't get some happy, pain free break at all?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4UVbAgZbUc[/youtube]

It's kind of like what Mr. Incredible says, no matter how many times he manages to save the world, it always ends up again in peril. It's like I just cleaned up this, mess, can I have a break for 5 minutes?

It's just one thing after another and anytime I get comfortable once a crisis in my life happens, another one begins just as I'm feeling better or relieved. Some Trauma always manages to creep to life espcially when one event is over and resolved. It's been this way all my 28 years of life.

Also my GI doctor wants me to see a colleague of his who expertise is Immflamatory Bowel Disease. to get to the bottom of why I am in pain in my upper left side and what's causing it. I'm just nervous about seeing a new doctor, because ever since 2011-2012 I am paranoid about seeing new doctors because of the idiots that called themselves doctors took me off my pills for close to a year making me feel weaker than I had ever felt, well until the Herniated disc which was insult to injury because it happened because of my weak immune system not having treatment for close to a year. Having Asperger Syndrome doesn't help with the flashbacks right now either. I hope this guy helps me solve the mystery and not cause more misery