WARNING: There may be considerable explicit language below and hopefully the pics won't be considered too graphic (remember that I originally posted these on another website).
October 2nd

Movie #8, around 7:00 AM -
The Beast Within (1982 / directed by Philippe Mora)
What... a... piece... of...
SHIT. It's bad in almost every single way a horror film can be bad: it's barely written, barely acted (only 3 of the cast members are any good), the characters are DETESTABLE, the editing sucks, scenes go on FOREVER and nothing redeeming happens (best example, other than the rape and transformation scenes is the WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! meat delivery / hamburger-making scene), every single murder and "surprise" / shock scene is completely predictable (I've never seen this before and I knew every single thing that was going to happen), and it's literally on the verge of glorifying rape. The only slightly redeeming qualities this thing has are some good camera shots (it is a 2.35:1 movie, so, of course if they know where to shoot, what they get is going to look good) and the unintentionally funny moment I pic'd above where the dog actually brings the making-out couple a rotting severed hand like: "look what I found! You want it?" Easily one of the all-time worst pre-new millennium horror films I have ever seen in my entire life.

Movie #9, around 9:45 AM -
Demonic Toys (1992 / directed by Peter Manoogian)
Obviously dumb but you expect that. It's mostly unoffensively dumb and it does have some pretty good special effects, the toys look creepy / scary enough (even if they're obviously a Ghoulies meets Puppet Master rip-off line, there isn't anything from either film as traumatizing as that clown jack-in-the-box), and most of the stuff with the little kid-demon actually works. In fact, given a little polish on the dialogue (and casting another voice actor for the ultra-annoying Oopsie Daisy), this might have been passable. Oh, and... send Tracy Scoggins back where she came from (just don't replace her with Daphne Zuniga, any brunette on the planet but her and Stacey Nelkin... or Lisa Freeman- those 3; in fact- why not Joan Severance?).

Movie #10, around 1:00 PM -
Dead & Buried (1981 / directed by Gary (A.) Sherman)
Well, this one ought to be fun to write about. This one was talked up quite a bit from, if you can believe it, the two pinheads over at
thehorrordebate.com. And for the longest time during, I was
REALLY impressed. It is a deeply dread-inducing, dark, unpredictable, atmospheric, smart, freaky, and exciting movie. The acting is excellent, the ideas are shockingly original (for as long as you
don't know the twist ending), the characters are likable, the storyline and progression made you want to know what was going on, the special effects are incredible (except for the acid victim... FULCI did a better acid victim than this movie- which is something to think about), and the deaths were surprising and vicious. Does it sound like I'm really trying to sell you this movie? It should. It's that good... For the majority of the running time. The movie had a couple of weaknesses, both pretty small (until the ending). One is in general the conspiracy theory angle (we did already have The Stepford Wives there). The other is the logically questionable acid victim scene- the only moment that is truly predictable. I don't really believe in what the scene was implying- they were just trying to milk a scare which we knew was coming. Finally... the ending is bad. It's just bad. The acting doesn't falter but everything else does. The twist was cheap (not "who" the Master character turned out to be- the final twist after the first twist) and it completely deflated all the scariness of the movie. Not to mention that they screwed up the logic again (the moment where the cameras come out again- it doesn't make any sense when we discover what we do just before the credits roll).

Movie #11, around 8:30 PM -
The Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988 / directed by John Hough)
Ah, that name... John Hough; he's got a piece of my childhood in his hands (now in the grave: Disney's
original Witch Mountain movies). And this movie shows a bizarre kind of ineptness more than any kind of bizarre atmosphere and story. I bought the DVD because I like little bad movies and I loved what I saw in
Obscuras Lupa's review of it, where thanks to her I now can't view the absurd Coca-Cola advertisements as quaint = some small town's idea of hip (or something)- which I would naturally and think it was kinda cool (in my honest dorky way where I'm impressed by very little). I liked the idea of the "city" characters getting away to a "modern" version of a small town in nowhere setting - think Troll 2 sense of isolation: nobody is right by phones, big stereos, and for the most part TV's. Of course, there's just one thing Troll 2 has that this movie's missing: the quirky supporting cast of side characters. Oh, there are plenty of side characters but they are all dull (except for blond adonis in a business suit Tom, and he's just decoration). The main heroine has a little pep and her man comes off as surprisingly supportive and resourceful- best character in the movie. But it's nowhere near enough. Meanwhile, too many ideas from the book not in the original Howling aren't given proper treatment and the only things driving this movie are what Hough & co take from the original movie (her hearing something howling at night, the forest sex scene, burning down the one place with all the werewolves in it, etc). The ending is pretty damn good thanks to excellent special effects but nothing else in rest of the movie is that good. Not as boring as it could have been but that's not much in the movie's favor. See Troll 2 instead (this movie's Marsha replacement seems to have more in common with Credence spliced together with Rita Moreno-in-heat than she does with the original movie's more Angelina Jolie-esque firecracker). Oh, and... that guy playing the cop is truly horrible. Oh how I long for the burly stuntman reject I just saw last week in Wes Craven's Invitation to Hell to be playing this role instead. Or that guy calling Lynn Shaye to flirt in Critters. Both of these guys were ridiculous, but both are far more tolerable than this idiot douche.

TV #1, around 7:00 PM -
Tales from the Crypt - Season 2 (1990), Episode 2 - "The Switch" (directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger)
Goddamn, this show is FUN! Every time I watch this episode, in particular, I like it more. This time, I know I noticed more in the "Doctor" character's laboratory. I don't know what it was last night but this episode was like a thrill- loved every second of it. And, really, what's fun about the Carlton character's hopeless longing for the girl who doesn't want him? Maybe the better question is- isn't Carlton being a little superficial himself? He worries about whether she'll want him for his money but, why has he been pursuing such a much younger person in the first place? Maybe his love is a little tied up in her looks. I actually like Kelly Preston, she's a no-nonsense actress who plays vapid with intelligence and can be an entertainingly detestable bitch. In fact, I've seen 3 other slightly similar bitch roles and she was great in all of 'em. So, I wouldn't think the inevitable weak link in the episode is her. Then you've got Roy Brocksmith who's excellent and Rick Rossavich who's smoking hot. So, it's not them either. I think... the problem here is Ian Abercrombie's Fulton. If you accept him as loyal - which sort of takes a bit of effort since he doesn't seem to have that much going on through most of his scenes - then isn't he King Bastard for not only leaving him to go be the servant of what is in effect his nemesis, but also looking at him - when he shows up to discover Hans has taken both his money and the thing he gave his money up for - as though he were some kind of bum or a pathetic creature when the whole time he knew how lonely Carlton was, he couldn't have been trying to express more sympathy... I mean, without the buffer of explaining to us that this is all in Carlton's head (ala- the self invented worst-nightmare similar to the "they're all gonna laugh at you!" sequence in Carre) or that Fulton left because he thought Carlton had lost his tenderness in his obsession with being young, etc(.)... this betrayal is just too unbelievable to accept. Of course, however, when you know it's coming, you can just enjoy the piggish nature of a filmmaker with the balls to do something like that. It doesn't come off as tough but as lacking restraint, and that can be fun too if you find overindulgence has its' upside.

TV #2, around 7:30 PM -
Tales from the Crypt - Season 2 (1990), Episode 3 - "Cutting Cards" (directed by Walter Hill)
Lance Henriksen is great (as always), Kevin Tighe a little less so. By the time there are 2 bullets left and he lucks out, it makes sense that he is so full of excitement that he can't pretend to be cool anymore (coupled with the leftover fear of possibly getting the bullet that turn). Nearly every sentence of his, he just can't wait to get the words out of his mouth. This makes him an unequal match for Henriksen who is perfect at waiting for his moment. He takes every last one of his turns like it's the one that really counts. Then, Tighe blows his- I'd say every one out of 3. Which is a lot considering how dialogue-focused this episode is and how much it derives intensity from the performances. Henriksen nails 'em all and Tighe almost telegraphs the outcome of the upcoming chop poker match by making himself look kinda pathetic (older, flabbier) in comparison (perfectly molding his finger-losing "O"-face well in advance). If he was so good at cleaning the other guys out (guys... once worthy of standing toe-to-toe with Henriksen's Reno?), why does he treat the sudden re-emergence of Henriksen like it sends a chill down his spine when Henriksen seems more mildly annoyed that the guy he has to prove himself against is Tighe's Sam? Then he delivers that "there's somethin' I want from you and I want it REAL bad" as though, well, maybe Reno's return sent a chill down another part of him (don't tell me it never crossed your mind- especially when Tighe rubs the "your wife left you" line in his face as though Reno cared more about her reputation as his trophy than he ever did their marriage). (And, don't worry, the closest I believe these two guys would ever get to intimacy with another man is flirting. Which in this context is suitably masked by tons of between-the-line readable innuendo. Both in the dialogue and in their physical games.) So, yeah: episode great. But, how does one go about reading it when both the show's bragging of his many achievements and Rhett's review here treat Walter Hill like a guy who does everything intentionally?
October 3rd

Movie #12, around 8:15 AM -
Terror Tract (2000 / directed by Lance W. Dreesen, Clint Hutchison)
Well, since I just finished it about 2 minutes ago [
2 minutes after writing this paragraph], I'm probably inclined to look back upon it fondly. Why? Good question; the stories all pretty much sucked. Nothing was original. Everything was predictable. The acting and special effects were good but everything else was unimpressive to an extraordinary degree. And yet there is a reason: the ending is good. The 90 minutes before it are actually building up to one of the best endings I think I may have ever seen in the entire genre. Now... why is the ending so good? I'll spoil it for you (since I doubt you'd be willing to just buy me at face value) and take it brick by brick:
1) "It's About Time!" Satisfaction. Now, all of the stories have really bad would-be ironic twists that serve as someone's comeuppance for either being too stupid or too "sinful" (for lack of a better word). And maybe you'll see this coming too but... this time, this guy really deserved it in my opinion. The movie is clearly a satire of suburban life (its' own intention, for the first 90 minutes it isn't the slightest bit successful) but none of them are clinging to their upper class neighborhood as a bastion of human decency- etc. The wraparound segment, however, features 2 smug, uptight 20-something jerks who are extremely judgmental and just totally unlikable. So, this leads to the first death scene in the movie I was actually glad to see.
2) Return of the Complimentary Pen. Well, this couple might not be buying a house from John Ridder's agent. But they have no choice now but to take the fucking complimentary pen. Do they?
3) Blink and You Missed It. This, maybe, 2 minute sequence is faster than a bullet. The first thing that came to mind before I lost it and started laughing my ass off was- even if he'd been able to sell a house in time to keep the company from killing his family (a twist surely inspired by Stephen King's Cat's Eye), he still killed the woman's husband and there's no way he would have gotten away with it. But, stop to think about that you'll miss at least the next two on this list.
4) One-Liners That Are Actually Funny. It could be the fact that John Ridder is funny or it could be that none of the jokes he tells in this scene are puns, but... his dialogue here is some fucking HILARIOUS stuff! Re-watch the scene again and take note: he's practically doing stand-up.
5) A Nice Neighborhood? Most of the observational gags here are cliches, and yet, I laughed at things here I would never have laughed at in another movie. If you can keep a straight face during the scenes outside, you could no doubt win a staring contest against a statue. I even laughed again when it was over, just because the music was so funny.
6) "You're Scaring the Straights!" As though it weren't satisfying enough to watch the husband killed, seeing the wife freaking out over everything the movie is throwing at the screen like each is the first weird thing she's seen all day is priceless.
7) The American Nightmare. The first and last thing this movie proves definitively is that believing in any kind of "American Dream" is for suckers. Did this idiot couple ever consider that you just never know what people are like behind closed doors unless someone tells you? No. And that's what makes it impossible not to at least have a devilish grin throughout this scene: they brought this on themselves. Bad karma, man.
As for the rest of the movie, the only thing worth mentioning is the actors. And they take it pretty damn seriously, which only serves to make you care less about the characters. Being an anthology, it's worth saying the 3rd segment is the least painful since it's the shortest. The 2 lead actors try pretty hard and are decent but, considering it features a killer walking around in what I can promise you is the exact same mask Joanna Lumley wore in the French & Saunders parody of Titanic... it has no camp value. Sad. Instead it just flirts with maybe making one of the two leads the one whodunit, which wouldn't have added up to much anyway. The first is the worst because there isn't a moment where you give a damn what's happening or what might happen. The second is still pretty bad but it hints at actually having something up interesting its' sleeve. Turns out it doesn't. Who didn't want to kill the daughter? Hands...

TV #3, around 7:45 AM -
Cheers - Season 3, Episode 4 - "Fairy Tales Can Come True" (1984)
I'm not a fan of this show at all, but I'm trying to find the episode Gunnar Hansen mentioned on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Ultimate Edition DVD. Suffice to say, this wasn't it (he mentioned Kirstie Alley was in the cast and I gather she didn't join 'til... later). Brent Hanley (Frailty, Masters of Horror: Family) is also a fan of the show and I guess he's half the reason I'm choosing to watch these episodes on Netflix. Cliff apparently is so bad at asking women out that people think he's gay, the cast wear costumes for awhile, I completely forgot what else happened. But, I didn't find myself endeared to any of the characters yet. Diane and Sam are stiff cliches, no Woody (hence no eye-candy), Carla's mean (hey, that's all the character they gave her), Norm is the most entertaining character, and Cliff's maybe a little too emotionally exposed for a simple sitcom. Does anyone remember John Ratzenberger was in Motel Hell? I'll bet you do.

TV #4, around 3:00 PM -
Cheers - Season 4, Episode 5 - "Diane's Nightmare" (1985)
Well, everyone's the same as last time only Woody's here and Norm's mean now too. No costumes but a little "spooky" story stuff (storm, lights out, candles in the dark, and suggestion of a prank). It's more of a "will they- won't they" between Diane and Sam, while she fears some guy who apparently tried to murder her will make another attempt. It's less sappy, until they get to the cliched "way to woo a woman" bit, then it's just dumb. I can see why I never cared for this show.

Movie #13, around 4:45 PM -
Dolly Dearest (1992 / directed by Maria Lease)
Surprisingly more complex than you'd expect from a killer doll flick. At least where the daughter character is concerned. There's a minor con for every pro. The title seems to recognize the camp inherent in both evil doll movies and mother-vs-daughter plotlines and makes little use of it. Mostly in the scene pic'd above where the daughter sidebars with evil Dolly after starting a fight then turns on the Perfect Little Angel routine. There's less Child's Play here and more Exorcist and Omen instead, with a little... Manhattan Baby for good measure? The acting is decent from most- the mother is a little wooden and the bookworm son is an even weaker link. But the murders are more detailed than your typical hammer to the head or throat slitting, which actually shows a better playful side to the evil dolls: they like to plot ahead. The ending falls apart entirely, with the daughter's on-off possession dropped before we can figure out how it worked exactly (at one point when Dolly goes full Linda Blair, the girl is completely lifeless like an actual doll). Rip Torn is completely wasted (no drinking, no swearing, no bug-eye). Not as good as I've heard from some. Not really bad either.

Movie #14, around 7:15 PM -
Bugged (199
? / directed by Ronald K. Armstrong)
It's very slow to start, with a kind of greatest hits redux of David Cronenberg's The Fly. But once it gets going, and plot is thrown out the window in favor of some very funny physical gags (including, in what is probably a spoofing of Tremors, one I cannot believe hasn't been used before: the monsters throwing the humans bait on a string), I had a freaking BALL with this one! The acting is terrible, but- it's Troma, comes with the territory. The characters are still fun (although, for being such a successful writer, the lead woman is a bit on the flighty side) and alternate between smart and goofy. The energy level is high, the dialogue is well-written (I thought- characters were actually given motivations and somewhat believable personality traits), and along with the gags, the movie is shot very well. You'd be surprised how many ways it finds to show the bugs hiding in the same shots as the human characters- even
eavesdropping on them while they panic and come up with a plan. A really fun bad movie. I LOVED it!
October 4th

Movie #15, around 3:30 AM -
The Horror Show (1989 / directed by James Isaac, David Blyth)
I guess with a title like The Horror Show, the point is to rip-off as many movies as you can (Craven's Shocker and the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, Cronenberg's Scanners and Videodrome, Carpenter's Prince of Darkness, Poltergeist, and... Cape Fear?). Where did this one go wrong? I mean, Shocker sucked hard. In fact, this film is marginally superior. You've got Lance Henriksen who proves he can't carry the protagonist role in a feature film (I don't think he did any better in Pumpkinhead) and Brion James- who at least proves he has more restraint than Mitch Pileggi. They both have the same problem, that they can't break out of TV Crime Villain Who's Just Learned How to Swear cliche. Well, James does it once in a very good moment where he dons an interesting disguise. The wife is a bit of a bore but the son and daughter are easily better supporting characters than anyone in Shocker (and thankfully they don't waste our time with any sibling bickering crap, etc). The *perfect loving family* stuff (awww..., don't you just want to pinch their cheeks?) is unbearable, especially at the beginning and end. But again to stick the final fork in Shocker, even though there's no one to like here- there's no one to hate here either. As a matter of fact, the worst part about it, other than the cop cliches (although, I did appreciate the moment where the IA guy tries to humanize / explain himself), are the living-nightmare sequences and unimpressive special effects. Hell, Henriksen's frequent shirtless scenes alone are enough to ease some of the pain/anger/bitterness left over from Shocker.
WAIT! : scratch that part about "no one to hate." Since the site crashed or something yesterday, I'd actually somehow forgotten about the Professor Dork character. Everything about this character is bad. I was thinking during the scene where he tried to warn Henriksen in the parking lot of James's return after death via electricity* - this guy's a professor? He sure as hell didn't take psychology because any idiot off the street knows that you actually have to try CONVINCING someone that they're being stalked by an undead killer! You don't just say, after they rightly look at you like you're a crackpot, "well... he'll go after your whole family!" What did he expect? Man, this movie might actually have been better if the Professor had been the killer in a copycat / James-Was-His-Idol situaiton. At least then he might have had an excuse to be so pathetic / moronic. Oh, and... if James was reborn through electricity somehow... shouldn't his body exist IN electric form? Nope. First slasher scene in the movie, he just jumps out in full-body like he was never fried. Could this movie get any lazier?