First, I want to say... Thank you for all the support. I didn't ever expect a different reaction, but to actually see it here is heart-warming.
Goliath wrote:Which begs the question: is he a real friend, then?
Disney Geek wrote:It doesn't seem out of the possibility that your friend is an internalised homophobe, but I don't know him. He could very well just be a friend you don't need.
I’ve thought about this question, even before I typed this up. I just, don’t know. It might be for the best to drop him as a friend, and move on. But my options are so limited right now, that I’m scared of making that leap. I know I might have to fess up to myself, and go, but I can’t admit that right now. I hope I don’t sound obstinate, but that’s just where I am.
Flanger-Hanger wrote:Is there a GSA at your school (I'm guessing not based on your description)? If not there's bound to be some people who can at least agree with your attitudes/beliefs (not just about whether it's ok to be gay), even in your community. You just have to find them, and while it may be hard it's very much worth it in the end.
I'm afraid there isn't any group like that at my school. I already have a few people in mind for whom I'd like to tell first, people I like and people I know who would be completely comfortable with me being gay. I have to overcome some trust issues first, though, with myself, before I can take that step.
Thank you,
Amy for that link. It was very insightful, and I saw some of myself in the article, too. I'm still not comfortable with being "gay." You know, the word being attached to me, not the sexuality. Being the first adjective people will describe me with when they talk about me, whether they have good things or bad things to say about me. But I'm coming to terms with that.
Disney Duster wrote:But hey, I've thought you were gay for quite a while, and you said you weren't, but that we would think you were for loving Julie Andrews and The Little Mermaid! You sly fox! Welcome to the coolest thing to be in the world: gay!!!!! And a Disney fan!!! Yay!!!!!!
I don’t remember saying that, but I’m sure I did. Definitely at one point, not too long ago, I did try to pretend I wasn’t gay, but over time, I’ve laxed up on it, until now that I could actually say it. And I have. And I’m glad that part of the secret is chipped away.
Disney Duster wrote:Someday you will make it out! Since you're very smart, I think you could soon land a college or job far away where you can meet better people and live happily ever after, lol! College itself is usually pretty liberal, even Catholic ones, I've heard! Isn't that weird? It's cause they aren't allowed to be homophobic!
Ha, my dream has been to move to go to college, move to New York, write plays and become successful. There’s lots of little pieces to that dream, that involve seguewaying into different fields in the entertainment industry, but that’s my very basic goal. Part of the dream that entices me is the liberation it will give me. It would be fantastic. On the other hand, I know that I’ll always have a part of myself in my hometown, and regardless of whether my dream comes true, I’m still going to have to permit my identity to be known. I have two basic fears, not achieving my goals and living the rest of my life where I am, and number two, achieving them beyond my wildest dreams, but allowing my hometown attachments to keep me from being my own person.
Disney Duster wrote:So, your friend...well, from what you wrote, I actually think he could indeed be faking his homophobia. For one - he's your friend, it's weird to think you'd end up getting so close to someone who you felt was so truly a homophobe. Two, he lives in a homophobic community, of course he would want to fit in by acting like that. Three, people that are that homophobic have tended to turn out to be like that because they themselves think/know they are gay. I myself said I had a crushes on girls to cover that I was gay, and that was when I was in, dun da da dun! Catholic school!
Yes, you see, he wasn’t always this homophobic. In truth, we didn’t talk about homosexuality, but he’d never given me any indication that he was discriminate towards gays beside the unfortunate use of the word as a synonym for an insult. Everyone did that, and sadly still do. Speaking of trying to fit in, I used it, once or twice, but never much and would never use it again. I’m still ashamed of that. Anyway, the first time I noticed he was getting homophobic was when we were talking about
Glee. He actually watched the show first, and it was he who convinced me to watch it. I had stayed away from it since I thought it was too stereotypical of a show for a Drama nerd like myself to watch, but, as you know, I got drawn into it. When the second season began airing, we’d talk about the show every Wednesday like we always did, but he began to grow an intense dislike for Kurt. Eventually, he stopped watching the show because of Kurt’s relationship with Blaine. Not long after, he started making some really hurtful remarks about homosexuality and gays in general, and I would call him out on it, especially when he made comments about things along the lines of “The one good thing Hitler did was to kill off the gays,” and after I explained to him Oscar Wilde’s sad life, he said, “Good. He was a monster.”
I couldn’t believe he said those things…. He had never shown himself in such an appalling light. Of course, when he realized he’d pissed me off, he acted like it was a joke. But you don’t talk about that stuff that way, especially in the manner he did.
I’m working on not caring about what people think. That’s another one of my goals. Right now, it’s a delicate matter. I admit, I have low self-esteem, for various reasons. And because of that, I care deeply about how other people perceive me. Sometimes, I make jokes about things I’ve done horribly, like for instance, a mask I made for Mardi Gras. It was awful, but when I’d show it to people, I’d say, “Look at this masterpiece!” in a funny way, or so I thought. It’s come to my attention, that these comments, are not always taken in the manner I mean them, and I sometimes come across as an egotistical ass. But that’s besides the point.
Disney Duster wrote:The first one is, that you may only think you love him because you don't have many close friends and he is the cute boy who is the closest to you in your life. It is a true puzzle that you could possibly love him when he is so homophobic, his homophpbia should have turned you off from loving him, unless you truly feel his homophobia is fake. Remember, you are young and in high school, you are only just learning about what love is now.
I know it’s weird. Ha, ha. I have plans to turn it into an independent movie. lol But, as I explained above, he wasn’t always like that. Unfortunately, I’ve begun to understand my feelings for him at the same time that he’s begun to show this facet of himself. I know I’m young, and I fully expect to mature and grow, hopefully he will, too.
Disney Duster wrote:Now, perhaps if this happened, he wouldn't tell anyone because of the friendship you had. Do you think that's possible? How well do you know him, if you think you love him? Because the worst thing he could do is tell other people, even just one single other person. No matter what he did after that, it's all very bad because of all the possibilities all that could lead to. Do you think I'm right about that?
I’m not sure. If he stopped being friends with me, it would be difficult for the both of us because we travel in the same circles. Would he tell anybody? I’ll have to think hard about that. He wouldn’t spread it around maliciously about me, I don’t think, but if asked why we were no longer friends, even if I had sworn him to secrecy, I can certainly see him telling. When I come to a definite conclusion, I’ll tell you.
Disney Duster wrote:So the other thing is what would happen if you didn't tell him? Well the longer you don't tell him, the longer you can know more about him, and that is very, very good. You can try and figure out if he's gay or not, or how he might react if he found out you are gay. The worst that would happen is you might keep your feelings shut until the day when you feel you can be open about yourself, whether because you've found people who could take you in if your parents kicked you out (would they do that?), or because you're out on your own, in college or some apartment, away from this oppresive community.
My plan so far has been to wait. I know I’ll tell him. But I want to make sure he’ll understand where I’m coming from. If that never happens, if I still know him well, then I’d tell after graduation or something like that.
Disney Duster wrote:Now, I don't know exactly how bad you have it. If you came out to your friend and the worst thing was he told other people, would the worst reaction to that just be that most people around you didn't like you, and they and your parents treated you differently?
No, I don’t think my safety would be in harm. We’re at least that progressive here. But everyone would treat me differently, and I’m as of now, still to big of a coward to face that. As for whether my parents would kick me out, my parents would be angry if I told them now. I can’t imagine them kicking me out, though. But my home life would be a very tense situation. However, I don’t plan on telling them until I can sustain myself, and hopefully have a decent income with a few hits on my hands. ha
Disney Duster wrote:Oh, I forgot, there is one more option. You tell him you're gay, see how he reacts, then, depending on whether he accepts that or not, you can tell him how you feel about him later, but if either of these two confessions cause him to leave you and talk about you, you can lie and say that you never told him any such thing. Do you think that would work?
No, honestly, no. There are already rumors about me (and for that matter, him), and if my best friend who is well-respected suddenly stopped being friends with me and told everyone I was gay, it would be completely accepted as truth. Which it would be, anyway.
Thank you for all your advice and kind words, Duster, and to everyone who commented. I really appreciate it. Although, I want to say, don’t feel sorry for me! I’m doing okay, just confused right now. People have it much worse than I, gay or straight. I’m too much of an optimist to ever be really down.