I am applying to University this week (deadline is Nov. 1) for the coming winter semester and I've been stressed over this for the past few weeks. I know this is really off-topic, but I guess that's the point of this forum.
Anyways, I just spent the past 30 minutes typing out a letter to the school which I plan on including with my application forums.
I basically have a horrible Cegep transcript, I only have 2 course credits and I've got a significant list of 0-15% throughout my records. I believe I have about 5 overall 0% course averages and an accumulation of 11 failures total. I haven't been attending regular day classes for over 2 years now, so my application for University would likely consider my registration as a mature student in which I believe the University is more lenient towards this sort of thing. I think mature student entry accounts specifically for students like myself who messed up in college and want to get back into the system and I've been told by an advisor that I really shouldn't be too worried about not getting accepted as they review these sort of scenarios regularly.
Anyways, like I said, I've included a letter along with my application to explain what went on and why my marks are so sh**ty. It's basically a smoothe worded page, hopefully redirecting their focus from the fact that I was just another lazy dumb college kid.
If you've got a minute, I'd really appreciate it if you'd look it over and let me know what you honestly think. Does it sound convincing, lame, etc? I've been told by a friend that I might consider shortening the length as it gets repetetive, but I dont see that. I just want to offer a retrospective on the whole situation so please let me know if you agree about the length as well, and if so, at what point do you think I should condense it?
Again, this is really important to me so I'd appreciate any constructive feedback at all. Let me know if any parts seem overly pretentious or just sound stupid and let me know if you'd take this into account if you were in a position to consider my application.
Btw, I am not applying for any overly exclusive program. I am hoping to eventually get into psych but without the pre-requisites, I'll be applying for philosophy which is a pretty general and not very limited program, and than hopefully gaining my few required credits in the first semester and than transfering to my desired program. I'm only telling you this because I wouldn't even bother writing a letter this negligent if I expected to be going to law school or medecine, etc.
Anyways, here it is...
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To whom it may concern,
I am including this brief disclosure along with my application forms, with the honest intent to offer insight into the past few years of my college education.
Upon retrospective review of my Cegep studies, I will be the first to acknowledge that my grades appear below standard and careless and I would greatly appreciate taking this opportunity to explain the reasoning in earnest, behind my academic detachment. Hopefully, the following will be taken into account justly when considering my admittance to Concordia University.
When I first registered at Dawson College in the spring of 2000, I did so instinctively and without consideration as I had just assumed that this was the next step or level in what I believed to be the generic transition to accomplishing success after high school. It seemed obvious to me that this was the common sequence; Elementary school, high school, college and university. I had the impression that these would ultimately lead to a fantasy destination, which I perceived to be “real life” - I was wrong.
To be honest, high school was not an easy progression for me. I was facing a difficult and confusing time in my life, contending with personal endeavors that were reflected through many facets, school being one of which. It was an ambitious struggle and by the time I had reached the end of my aim, I was not ready to dive into such an instant engagement. I realize now, and probably dismissed the notion than, that my motivation for attending college was not self-induced but simply a means of continuing on a path which I believed to be determined by sociological standards. When I first began the fall semester at Dawson, this slowly became apparent.
My inspiration was lacking and the overall experience seemed monotonous and unrewarding. After half a decade of coping with pressures and stresses, not solely relative to scholastics but factoring, I felt totally consumed by the repetitious cycle I had once again accepted.
Looking back, I believe that I assumed that the end of high school would have marked the beginning of a more discernible direction towards my future, however I was unable to visualize this and it discouraged me. As a result, my mind was not focused on school and I had absolutely no desire to be there, but by the time I had recognized my position, the course-drop deadline had passed and I made the conscious decision to disengage myself from my studies and discontinue attending classes.
Unfortunately this decision was not proposed with much insight or planning and so by mid-year, when it was once more time to register for the coming semester, I was again faced with what I believed was expected of me. Without any direction, I re-registered and found myself in the same context as before. I never attended class and flunked my courses.
Though the following should not justify my negligence by any means, I must admit that I sincerely believe my decision to follow another course at the time was in many ways beneficial and a choice that I really don’t regret. I do feel however, that the way in which I went about doing so was immature and counterproductive and I only wish that I had the judgment to identify this earlier, in order to avoid the consequences I now face.
During my absence from school, I have had a long time to reflect upon my ambitions and goals and in the process, have made many significant and positive experiences through business and travels.
I’ve worked as a promoter for cultural events throughout the city, booking shows and local venues, all under my own establishment. I’ve gained an efficient understanding of the responsibilities and undertakings of self-employment, which has lead to an appreciation for the succession and persistence devoted towards achieving personal aspirations and supporting oneself financially. I’ve traveled on my own income and spent months in Europe with my girlfriend, (currently registered in McGill University), experiencing new cultures, lifestyles and customs and have matured and gained perspective on many aspects of society and the way things work.
I realize now that “real life” does not exist in what I had once believed to be the fulfillment of the academic process (through the progression of diplomas, certificates and degrees), but an essence that constantly encompasses our everyday lives and one in which we need to position ourselves accordingly, in order to influence and shape what is to become of our futures.
At this point in my life, at 21 years old, I want nothing more than to be given this opportunity. My focus and concern is now directed entirely towards my future and the direction that I wish to take in order to manipulate and target my life. I have been distanced from school for a fair amount of time and feel that I am more than ready to proceed on my own will, via my own motivated efforts...
I ask that you please give me the opportunity to prove myself, and advance to reach my goals.
Sincerely, Oliver Besner.
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Can I please have your honest feedback / advice...
The heart of it seems good, but the wording feels unnatural, as if you used a thesaurus to make it sound more polished. I think that since it's a personal account, it would be more effective to use your own words rather than substitute in some that don't necessarily fit. Perhaps I'm wrong, and you genuinely do write like that, but for some reason, it reads like something that's been translated from another language.
Don't take that the wrong way - the content is good, it's just the wording that seems awkward. Even if it doesn't change much, I think using more common language may make it feel more 'honest' and 'heartfelt.'
I wish you the best of luck in this - hope it works out for you.
Don't take that the wrong way - the content is good, it's just the wording that seems awkward. Even if it doesn't change much, I think using more common language may make it feel more 'honest' and 'heartfelt.'
I wish you the best of luck in this - hope it works out for you.
Thanks so much for your advice Luke, I really appreciate it.
My friends have said the same thing in regards to the wording, etc. I didn't use a theasaurus but I did try and polish off my sentences to come accross in a more formal context I guess.
Is it the first few paragraphs where you find this most apparent? I was trying to find a way to incorporate my personal perspectives into a formal letter context for the university but I hope I didn't lose all the honesty in doing so.
Would you mind telling me which parts seemed less genuine or authentic, or give specific examples of what you mean just so I can get a better idea of what needs to be altered?
Again, I really appreciate your opinions and if anyone else wants to take a quick minute to read this over and post feedback it would be extremely helpful.
Thanks again Luke!
My friends have said the same thing in regards to the wording, etc. I didn't use a theasaurus but I did try and polish off my sentences to come accross in a more formal context I guess.
Is it the first few paragraphs where you find this most apparent? I was trying to find a way to incorporate my personal perspectives into a formal letter context for the university but I hope I didn't lose all the honesty in doing so.
Would you mind telling me which parts seemed less genuine or authentic, or give specific examples of what you mean just so I can get a better idea of what needs to be altered?
Again, I really appreciate your opinions and if anyone else wants to take a quick minute to read this over and post feedback it would be extremely helpful.
Thanks again Luke!
I did notice it more in the beginning.
For instance, you can cut out a few words and retain your meaning in these paragraphs:
If it was me, I'd edit it to something like this:
"Upon reflection of my Cegep studies, I acknowledge that my grades appear below standard and I would like to take the opportunity to explain them. Hopefully, this will be taken into account when considering my admittance to Concordia University."
It essentially says the same thing in half the space and to me, it just comes forth as more earnest. Naturally, I'm not expecting you to embrace the revisions altogether. (I personally have trouble cutting out words I have written.)
But I think it will come across as more sincere, easier to follow, and therefore, more powerful if you trim down on some of the 'showy' multi-syllabic words. Like Rusty says, "Don't use 6 words when 4 will do." Or something like that.
Anyway, hope that helps.
For instance, you can cut out a few words and retain your meaning in these paragraphs:
The second paragraph, in particular, is confusing and I had to read over it a few times. I'm still not sure it makes sense - can grades appear careless?I am including this brief disclosure along with my application forms, with the honest intent to offer insight into the past few years of my college education.
Upon retrospective review of my Cegep studies, I will be the first to acknowledge that my grades appear below standard and careless and I would greatly appreciate taking this opportunity to explain the reasoning in earnest, behind my academic detachment. Hopefully, the following will be taken into account justly when considering my admittance to Concordia University.
When I first registered at Dawson College in the spring of 2000, I did so instinctively and without consideration as I had just assumed that this was the next step or level in what I believed to be the generic transition to accomplishing success after high school. It seemed obvious to me that this was the common sequence; Elementary school, high school, college and university. I had the impression that these would ultimately lead to a fantasy destination, which I perceived to be “real life” - I was wrong.
If it was me, I'd edit it to something like this:
"Upon reflection of my Cegep studies, I acknowledge that my grades appear below standard and I would like to take the opportunity to explain them. Hopefully, this will be taken into account when considering my admittance to Concordia University."
It essentially says the same thing in half the space and to me, it just comes forth as more earnest. Naturally, I'm not expecting you to embrace the revisions altogether. (I personally have trouble cutting out words I have written.)
But I think it will come across as more sincere, easier to follow, and therefore, more powerful if you trim down on some of the 'showy' multi-syllabic words. Like Rusty says, "Don't use 6 words when 4 will do." Or something like that.
Anyway, hope that helps.
Maybe shorten the "explanation for mistakes" part and lengthen the "what you have learned/been doing in the mean time" part. i hear for letters like this it is better to keep things on as much of a positive note as possible.
You are also a tad bit too self-depreciating and apologetic.
On a positive note, I love the paragraph explaining what you have been doing during your absence from school.
Good luck Oliver!
You are also a tad bit too self-depreciating and apologetic.
On a positive note, I love the paragraph explaining what you have been doing during your absence from school.
Good luck Oliver!
Thanks Lady, I was also thinking that it'd be better to focus less on what is most apparent - my horrible transcript - and more on the positive aspects such as how I've progressed, but I'm really not sure how? I obviously need to explain why I only have 2 college credits and all those failures but I really hope I'm not making myself look worse or shooting myself in the foot in the process. Does it really come across that way? I'm not sure how to shorten that part because I want to give the University a proper retrospective of why things are, and I've basically summed it up in as a condensed form as possible. It only takes up 6 short paragraphs out of 12, so it's 50/50 but for some reason, it seems like the main focus... 