Dear Secret Santa,
Hi, it's the Scapsta! More importantly, it's the long-delayed real letter that's not hastily done to comment on other people's comments! And it's November! That means it's that time of year again! It's that time of year when the leaves fall from the trees, in beautiful colours of the sunset. It's that time of year when everyone starts going crazy searching around stores for that one perfect item. When they wrack their brains trying to figure out which version of that perfect item really exists, and how much they'll have to pay for it. When they must go store to store hoping for the best deal. I speak of course, of the search for a new rake to replace the old one. After all, those leaves won't rake themselves!
Fortunately, raking leaves probably isn't that big a problem for those not in or near a wooded area. And if you are one of those people, Secret Santa, you sure are lucky! Still, it's nice seeing those leaves change colour, but then it gets nasty when you have to spend a perfectly good afternoon raking them up. Grrrr. Of course, I could always use the leaf blower. But that just takes the fun and satisfaction out of raking them up, having a nice big pile, putting on a rubber HazMat suit, making sure I'm sealed up in said HazMat suit, and then jumping around in the pile of dirty wet leaves!
Anyway, this letter, as always, is the annual Secret Santa Wishlist. Last year I had something that was like...five hundred pages long. Unfortunately, it won't be five hundred pages this time. Just four hundred and thirty-eight.
Man, this time last year I remember telling myself, "Boycott Christmas 2008, don't deal with all the hassles and everything. Skip Christmas like the Kranks tried to do. And don't take any lip from anyone about it."
Of course, that idea was shot to hell when 97.5 got the jump-start on being the Christmas music station when they started playing Christmas music last week. Unfortunately, the damn station seems to play "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" every 15 minutes. So much so that I nearly did boycott Christmas again. Fortunately, B101 started their Christmas music coverage, and since that's my go-to radio station, I no longer have to suffer through 97.5's incessant love of Perry Como.
Speaking of Christmas music, I've been listening to the reliable Carpenters' "Christmas Portrait", perhaps my favorite Christmas album ever. Have it on LP, CD, and mp3. "Merry Christmas Darling" will go down in history as my second favorite Christmas song ("Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" is my favorite). And as always, my two least-favorite and most-hated Christms songs are "Carol of the Bells" and "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Words cannot describe how much I hate them. I often refer to "Carol of the Bells" as "Have A Merry Christmas Or We'll Kill You In Your Sleep!". And the latter...bleaugh...I've hated it ever since high school.
Christmas also means another holiday tradition for me, one that started in 2004: whenever I start feeling the Christmas spirit elude me, I pick up my worn-out dog-eared paperback copy of John Grisham’s
Skipping Christmas, and read it to remind myself why the hell I'm enduring it again this year. I don't know why. Something about a couple deciding to buck tradition, and having crazy neighbours berate them for it...it just makes me feel better about the holidays. Unlike last year, I haven't picked the book up yet (reading over my last letter, I had already read it twice before November!). So it must be a good year so far. Or I've not had a chance to pick it up. I've always wanted to get a first edition hardcover of the book, but there's not that many used bookstores where I can look for one. Poo. Anyway, now that I'm remembering the book, I think I'll go and look for the book in my room.
(goes off)
And now I'm back. I read the first chapter, and then I remembered I had to finish this. Ah well, Luther and Nora can wait for me a little while longer. The movie version is horrible, by the way. Watch it as soon as you can, it's delightfully bad. To borrow from the Doctor, "Think how bad things could possibly be, then add another suitcase of bad." And I think I love it almost as much as the book, because of the craziness of the neighbours, the determination of the Kranks, and the way it conveniently and sentimentally ends with everyone happy, more or less. It's a bad movie, which is sad because it came from such a good book. If only they didn't try to make it a comedy. That's what killed it.
Anyway, enough of all this. You're probably impatient for the list so you can see how much or how little you'll feel like spending on li'l ole me. And honestly, there's only one thing I really want for Christmas:
Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald, Volume Three, 1947 to 1950. I kept putting off buying it for myself figuring I'd have time to get it later. And, of course, it's nowhere to be found in my area anymore. And I'm not gonna pay the outrageous prices they have online for it. So if in the off-chance there's a copy floating around your area (assuming you live in R1-land) that's SRP or below, I'd be eternally grateful for it. If not, that's fine too, since I can wait a few more years for Disney to eventually double-dip on the Treasures one day and have an 8-disc megaset of all the Donald volumes (yeah, right!).
But enough about
Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald, Volume Three, 1947 to 1950. There's several other things that still spark my interest.
Naturally, there's Disney. Ah, Disney. I love their films and stable of characters, but hate the treatment they get on home video. Seriously, is it that frickin' hard to put something in OAR, remaster it enough to at least make it better than the VHS, and put it on a DVD? Is it that frickin' hard gather a dozen people who worked on that film, film them for 10-15 minutes talking about it, and editing it into a half-hour documentary? But enough about that. I like Disney. It's been very good to me, and I've been good enough to them. I've endured good and bad guests in the parks, I've endured good and bad castmembers, I've endured good and bad managers. I've got them to thank for my inability to point with only one finger (I'll always point with two, aka the Disney Point). I always ask my friends if they're okay three times before I call for an alpha unit. And I know how to fake being happy. Plus, the constant guest interaction gave me invaluable people skills and near-infinite patience.
But regarding what Disney stuff I like, it's the usual. The theme parks, the Holy 44, the live-action films, the new CGI films, the classic characters, etc. And it's pretty much established that I don't like
The Lion King,
The Little Mermaid,
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, etc. The films do have some good points, but not enough for me to ever take it off my "Least Favourite" list. It goes without saying that
The Rocketeer is my favorite live-action Disney movie and that I'm part of that small but dedicated group of people who actually like
The Black Hole. But I also like plenty of their other live-action films though I don't own as many as I'd want because most are not in their proper aspect ratio, are barebones, or have a shoddy transfer. Heck, I'm still not sure about whether to use DMR points on the crappy chapterless laserdisc-transfer DVDs of
The Story of Robin Hood,
Rob Roy, the Highland Rogue,
Kidnapped, and
The Fighting Prince of Donegal. Ah well, Disney still has Blu-Ray to get it right and I can wait. Surely they can't screw up Blu-Ray releases of their live-action catalogue. I mean, even with the framing issues of
Curse of the Black Pearl. But given Disney's lack of treatment to their live-action library in recent years...I'll likely be waiting in vain.
But enough about Disney, let's move onto a show I love and is put on DVD the right way...good ole "Doctor Who". Thank or blame netty for this. I'm gonna miss the Tenner when he's gone, but a little part of me is looking forward to a new Doctor to see what he will bring to the series. Plus, with the Moff as the new showrunner, the 2010 series will have a lot of high expectations and surprises. And at least there's classic Who to hold me over, as there's plenty I've seen, but plenty more I haven't seen. It's a good year to be a Who fan. There's not much for me to say about "Doctor Who" aside from the fact that I love it. And that Martha Jones is perhaps the hottest companion of the new series. And that "Midnight" proved to me that a lot can be done with eight people trapped in a shuttle.
Finally, random stuff. Movie stuff, TV stuff, book stuff, life stuff. It's all fairly random and eclectic. I've got a fascination with
The Ten Commandments that's lasted for nearly 20 years now, I will always hate the ending of
When Harry Met Sally..., and I'll forever have that crush on Rachel McAdams. I've got a brain fart right now so I can't really comment that much more on random stuff. But I do have to still mention mashed potatoes. So...mashed potatoes. I like them almost as much as I like "The Golden Girls".
Now then...the wishlist. Ugh, the wishlist. I hate making them, because it's weird asking what in actuality is a perfect stranger to go spend $20 on me. Sure, I know you online, and yes, that internet friendship is valuable. But who am I to say that you must spend $20 on li'l ole me? Well, I'm your Secret Cindy Lou Who, that's who I am!
All Amazon links will benefit UD...
Books:
Doctor Who: The Writer's Tale, by Russell T. Davies - also known as "the book netty's been e-mailing Scaps about repeatedly but Scaps has yet to get it". It's $30 and not yet available in the US, so I'm not really expecting it.
The Magic Kingdom: Walt Disney and the American Way of Life, by Steven Watts - an interesting book I read in my library that I've never had a chance to finish.
0826213790
Walt Disney: The Triumph of the American Imagination, by Neal Gabler - a Disney biography that's quite good and another I never had a chance to finish.
0679757473
The Animated Man: A Life of Walt Disney, by Michael Barrier - yet another Disney bio.
0520256190
Disney DVD:
Frank & Ollie: Special Edition - a great documentary and DVD.
So Dear to My Heart - Brazilian DVD, which is R1 and R4. Link to Amazon Marketplace.
The Happiest Millionaire - new! longer! Viva Viagra!
The One and Only, Genuine, Original Family Band - *sigh* if only it were restored, in the original theatrical ratio, with more extras (trailers, longer documentary, trailers, deleted songs, trailers, photo galleries, and of course...trailers.), and that 4-minute running time discrepancy was solved.
Now You See Him, Now You Don't - probably the best part of the Dexter Riley trilogy.
The Island at the Top of the World - every time I see the title, I keep thinking of "Catch A Wave" by the Beach Boys. Simply because it mentions "top of the world." And if not Beach Boys, then the Carpenters' "Top of the World."
White Fang - if I had multi-region capabilities, I'd ask for the R2 version as it's 16:9. But I'm so used to seeing it on VHS in a blurry P&S version that I'm sure I can stomach the DVD.
The Straight Story - one more to add to my shouldn't-be-ignored-but-I-unfortunately-have David Lynch collection.
The Other Side of Heaven - is not the Far Side.
Vintage Mickey - just something to hold me over until I acquire the Treasures.
Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald, Volume Three, 1947 to 1950 - yes, I'm still kicking myself for not getting it sooner. If you care at all for my buttocks' welfare and don't want it bruised, perhaps you can find this for less than $30 and send it to Jersey?
Walt Disney Treasures: The Adventures of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit - while I'm genuinely interested in all the Treasures, this is the one I really really want (aside from CDV3) that I don't yet have. If I were to rank the other Treasures, the next three I'd really want are "Rarities", "Hardy Boys", and "Your Host, Walt Disney" (in terms of ones that can still be found. In terms of the OOP ones, I read in Disney Discussion that
Behind the Scenes at Walt Disney Studios and
Davy Crockett are $20.97 at Disney Movie Club, so if you're a member...
Doctor Who DVD:
There are still several "Doctor Who" DVDs I don't own (The Aztecs, The Time Meddler, Inferno, The Robots of Death, Ghost Light, The Curse of Fenric, Series Four, Torchwood Series 1, Torchwood Series 2, Sarah Jane Adventures Series 1), but I'm only listing "The Infinite Quest" because it's cheaper ($9.99!)
Doctor Who: The Infinite Quest - the Doctor and Martha are on a quest to find the Infinite, and along the way they encounter space pirates, stop a war that involves dung, and end up in prison! And they're animated!
TV on DVD:
Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Four - listed it last year and I still can't believe I never picked it up.
Friends: Season Five - I also don't have Seasons Six, Seven, Eight, or Ten, but Five is my favorite.
The Golden Girls Intimate Portrait Series - this is OOP now, so if you see copies floating around...
The Golden Girls: Season Six - or $19.99 at Target, sometimes on sale for $14.99
The Golden Girls: Season Seven - also $19.99 at Target, sometimes on sale for $14.99
I Love Lucy 50th Anniversary Special - I'm still clinging to my old VHS tape of the original broadcast!
Lucy's Really Lost Moments - it makes a great supplement to the Complete Series set, as it includes the Bob Hope sketch in full, as well as a lot of other cool clips.
Random Movies:
Casanova: Masterpiece Theatre - it's the Tennant as the world's greatest lover.
Golden Boy - William Holden and Barbara Stanwyck in a boxing film that's better than
Rocky.
Paris Je T'Aime: Steelbook - I love this movie and already got the original two-disc set that was released last year, and this new release is pretty much the same thing. But it's in a steelbook! A steelbook!
Quo Vadis: Two-Disc Special Edition - it's up to you. If you've seen "Coupling" and you know what "Quo Vadis?" means, you'll understand.
Random Harvest - one of the greatest love stories ever told.
Storybook Tales Collection - the things I do for
Happily Ever After, seriously...
Tropic Thunder: Unrated Director's Cut - saw this in August wiith my cousins and it was one of the few times that I actually enjoyed going to the movie theatre.
Odds and Ends:
A T-Shirt that says "My Secret Santa was [Insert Name] and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!" - just kidding, though it'd be funny if that's what was put on the shirt!
Sonic Screwdriver - once again, a real one would be awesome. But the toy is just as awesome, even if I have no real practical use for it (aside from a really cool flashlight and pen with psychic paper). It's a bit expensive though (seriously, $49.95?) so this is just here to be a "look, it's a sonic screwdriver!"
Chalk - just checking to see if you're paying attention.
Well, that's it. A whole bunch of links that might be of no use to you at all if you're gonna buy something in a brick-and-mortar store and snail mail it personally!
BTW, if all else fails and you don't know what to do at all about a gift, you can easily send me a card with $20 and call it a day.
I could always use the cash and I'll lie when I post in the "Post when you receive!" thread and say something like, "Wow, thanks (insert Secret Santa name), I've always wanted a jackhammer with built-in martini mixer!" Of course, it'd be cooler to get a jackhammer with built-in martini mixer, but I really would have no use for it aside from martini-mixing. Plus, I haven't gone jackhammering in awhile and might hurt someone. Then again, getting $20 in the mail takes all the fun out of Secret Santa. So never mind this odd rambling.
But yeah, this is the end of my Secret Santa letter (well, my proper one, the rest will probably be hastily done as I comment on other people's posts). Of course, I never mentioned some vital information for you everyday life...
Name: Albert Gutierrez
Location: Washington Township, New Jersey, USA, Earth, Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Current Universe, One of the many Planes of Existence. Or rather...R1 land.
State of Mind: Eh...
Occupation: Living
Age: Old Enough
Sex: Not Enough
Shirt: Large
Pants: 36
Shoes: Not if I can help it
Socks: The barer the foot, the freer the sole/soul
Boxers or Briefs: Briefs
DVD List: Here (pay no attention to WishList or OnOrder, they're a mess that I haven't been able to organise yet)
And of course, what's Vital Information without your host Lori Beth Denberg?
* You say, "Potato". I say, "Potahto". You say "Tomato". I say, "Look at us. We're two idiots talking about vegetables."
* It's a bad idea to walk up to a policeman and say, "Oh Mr. Policeman, take me to prison, please!"
* The people on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down. The people on the bus go up and down. Eventually, they throw up.
* When you step on a crack, you break your mother's back. When you step on a rusty nail, you say, “AHHHHHH!”
* It's easy to milk a cow. It's hard to milk a hippie named Maurice.
* If your name is Stephen, and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving you'll be Stephen Stuffin' Stefan!!
* It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's ping pong.
* When it rains, it pours. When it snows, it's cold.
* If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves you seventeen-fingered freak!!
* Revenge is sweet. Not as sweet as ten pounds of sugar!!!
* Next time you're feeling sick, take a piece of ham and rub it all over your body. You won't feel any better, but you'll smell like ham!
* Mirror, mirror on the wall. Look at me! I'm a person talking to a piece of glass!
* If your teacher gives you an F, it is wrong to say "Well, what do you expect, moron?! I didn't study!"
* Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder how on Earth this song became so popular.
* If you are the President of the United States and you're watching me right now, then you need to quit watching Nickelodeon and go fix our country!
* If you're afraid of heights, don't climb a ladder. If you're afraid of marshmallows, don't climb a ladder made of marshmallows.
* If you don't know the difference between bologna and your underwear, then I'm never eating a sandwich at your house!
* The early bird gets the worm. Fine, I don't want the worm!
* If it's the fourth of July and Santa comes down your chimney, then run like the wind. That ain't Santa!
* Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. Who's Moe and why is he so eeny, meeny, and miny?
* A picture is worth a thousand words. A thousand words is worth three and a half chipmunks.
* If you are talking to me now, and can't understand why I'm not answering, then you are one dumb dude.
* Too much junk food will make you fat. Too much hot sauce will make you go "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhh, too much hot sauce!!!"
* Never put glue on a cow and then taunt him by saying, "Sticky Cow! Sticky Cow! Oooh, Sticky Cow!"
* There's no real reason to play basketball naked.
* "Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck 12 and flung the mouse 30 feet across the room."
* If somebody tells you, "Life is like a bowl of cherries", just smack 'em!
* If you laugh, the world laughs with you. If you walk around with a chicken in your pants, the world laughs in your face.
* Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall... and I laughed my butt off! Ha HA!
* When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When a truck backs over your foot, go "Aaaauuuuuuggggghhhhh!"
* It's rude to talk with your mouth full. It's even ruder to talk with your mouth full of baby squirrels.
* Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
* Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe. Catch a tiger by the toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don't, he's going to kill you!
* If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then have about four minutes to live.
* Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack eat chipmunk, Jack get sick.
* Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they run, into things.
* If you're drinking apple juice and it feels warm, odds are, that ain't apple juice!
* I scream, you scream, we all scream...when we slam our hand in the car door.
* If your first name is Wally, and your middle name is Wally, and your last name is Woo, then your name is WALLY WALLY WOO!
* "Never go to the library and say "Hello. I'm looking for a book, and why are you so ugly? ugh!"
* If you flush your friend down the toilet, you either got a huuuge toilet or a teenie little friend.
* Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony. He stuck a feather in his hat ...and later realized he'd ruined a perfectly good hat.
* If you see someone drowning, it's rude to stand there trying to throw popcorn into their mouth.
* The cow says "Moo". The duck says "Quack". The crazy person says "Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai!"
* Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. No one cared.
* Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care. Jimmy got hit in the head with an anvil, and I still don't care.
Your Secret Cindy Lou Who,
Scaps
P.S. - Okay, maybe this isn't four hundred and thirty-eight pages long. If you read this whole thing and you're my Secret Santa, congratulations! Have a pink elephant on me!
P.S. Again - If you read this whole thing and you're NOT my Secret Santa, well...you do know you didn't have to read it, right? Still, you read the whole thing! Congratulations, have a pink elephant too!
P.S. Yet Again - If you read this whole thing and you're a former Secret Santa (aka Jessica, Renata, Matthew), I wouldn't mind Cindy-Lou-Who-ing from you again.
Just kidding, spend your $20 elsewhere, such as on your new Cindy Lou Who! Or, if you're not participating in Secret Santa (Matthew, where are you these days?), but still read this anyway, I recently learned that young Mr. DiCaprio's single again (old news, but still...). So if you're feeling lonely and need a companion, feeling romantic and need a life partner, or if you just want a little nookie, he's ready, willing, and able.
)
-CJ
(Bad Amy, I know.)