Fake Press Releases
Posted: Wed Dec 08, 2004 8:20 am
This is a fun and creative thread for those of us who have a lot of wishful thinking to do. Create a fake press release about anything. Disney, DVDs, a ball of yarn...
George Lucas to Release Classic Trilogy: The ORIGINALS (We're not kidding) - May 2006
In a surprise move, George Lucas, known for his controversial decision to enhance his classic Star Wars Trilogy with modern technology and CGI, said in an interview with Star Wars Insider that he is going to release the original trilogy, as they were originally seen in 1977, 1980, and 1983.
"A lot of people were really angry when I released the new editions," Lucas said. "But these were my films, and I wanted them released the way I wanted. I always said I was sorry they fell in love with an incomplete film, and I'm hoping to change that now." So what changed his mind? "Money, really. I realized that the most die-hard of fans would have already bought the special editions, just to have it on DVD. Then, they'd buy it again, knowing they'd be getting their precious originals. I really have no concern about the original pictures. It's getting me more money."
A lot of planning is going into this release of the original trilogy. As readers may recall, the 2004 edition was released as a four-disc set, in a rather flimsy box. The original edition, it is rumored, will be more along the lines of the Ultimate Matrix Collection, with multiple bonus discs. Each movie will be digitally remastered from original prints, and there will be several new audio commentaries. One to look forward to is an in-character commentary done by Anthony Daniels and a technician, as they will have hours of witty banter done in the voice of C-3PO and the blips and beeps of R2-D2.
Lucas also stated that he is *considering* a possible release of the ill-fated Star Wars television special, The Star Wars Holiday Special, from 1978. "It was such a train wreck, I admit," he states. "I don't know what I was smoking when I allowed it. But like the original trilogy, it can bring in money. There are people out there who'd be willing to pay me to have their eyes bleed from the horror of it all."
Rumored specs:
Star Wars: The Ultimate Edition
Disc 1: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "Hamlet", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 2: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "King Lear", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 3: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "Macbeth", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 4: Star Wars Trilogy - Bonus Material
-Carry-over from the original DVD set
Disc 5: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 6: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 7: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 8: Star Wars: Episode IV, V, and VI - The Edited Version
-A new edited disc containing all three movies. Edited down to 30 minutes each for the viewer on the go, this is a really useless disc but it has kickass disc art.
Disc 9: Star Wars: The Merchandising
-A 4-hour documentary detailing every single piece of merchandise with the words "Star Wars" on them.
-A 20-minute documentary detailing every single piece of bootleg merchandise with similarities to "Star Wars".
Disc 10: Star Wars: The Game Show
-A new interactive DVD of nothing but a pointless game show. Better used as a coaster.
SRP $69.99 (Though you can expect many stores to decidedly carry it for $40 or less)
Disney DVDs to go under uniform banner: The Disney Edition - January 2005
To kick off the new year, Buena Vista Home Entertainment and Disney have decided to avoid confusion with their titles by simply calling every single release the "Disney Edition". This also helps avoid confusion when a family decides to buy Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but can only find the cheap $1 knockoff. Also of interest, every release will now be a two-disc, packed to the brim with documentaries, featurettes, and most importantly: trailers and OAR. More details to come.
Hilary Duff Retires - September 2005
After being in the spotlight for many years now (Can you believe it's been only 4 years since Lizzie McGuire?), Hilary Duff has decided to call it quits on her acting and singing career, opting to spend more time on a ranch she bought in Montana.
"I really love acting and singing," the star said. "But I recently found out I have a bigger love for animals and the great outdoors, and to tell you the truth, earning millions in four years ought to be enough to last me the rest of my life. Four years was probably too much, anyway. So I'm retiring. No more acting. No more singing."
And the world heaves a collective sigh or relief.
Man in PA is Last to Switch to Widescreen - August 2009
Perhaps the last person in the world to still be purchasing Pan & Scan DVDs and watching them on a bigscreen 4:3 television, John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt has relented, and bought his first widescreen television.
"I feel like my eyes have truly been opened. Seeing the original aspect ratio without the bars...it's simply wonderful," JJJ said. "My only problem now is returning all my old DVDs for widescreen releases. No one wants Pan & Scan anymore, so no one's willing to buy them off me."
JJJ has been buying Pan & Scan discs since 1999, when DVDs were still young. "I was young too. Young and foolish. I had no idea I was losing up to half the movie." The sudden switch to widescreen perhaps was due to an unfortunate incident in his home. Three months ago, JJJ was sitting peacefully in his den, watching a Pan & Scan version of Top Gun, when a burglar broke in and demanded he give him all his DVDs. While JJJ was collecting them all, the burglar noticed they all said "Full Screen Version", got angry, yelled several expletives, and left. "I feel grateful that he didn't take anything, since he didn't want my DVDs. Of course when I heard him drive away, I should've checked my garage. But the car was returned a week later, when the burglar realized it was a Ford."
So, with a new widescreen tv in tow, and more movies to upgrade to widescreen, what has JJJ planned for the future? "I might get married now. No one would have me because I preferred Pan & Scan. They said they didn't want to marry half a man."
Escapay
George Lucas to Release Classic Trilogy: The ORIGINALS (We're not kidding) - May 2006
In a surprise move, George Lucas, known for his controversial decision to enhance his classic Star Wars Trilogy with modern technology and CGI, said in an interview with Star Wars Insider that he is going to release the original trilogy, as they were originally seen in 1977, 1980, and 1983.
"A lot of people were really angry when I released the new editions," Lucas said. "But these were my films, and I wanted them released the way I wanted. I always said I was sorry they fell in love with an incomplete film, and I'm hoping to change that now." So what changed his mind? "Money, really. I realized that the most die-hard of fans would have already bought the special editions, just to have it on DVD. Then, they'd buy it again, knowing they'd be getting their precious originals. I really have no concern about the original pictures. It's getting me more money."
A lot of planning is going into this release of the original trilogy. As readers may recall, the 2004 edition was released as a four-disc set, in a rather flimsy box. The original edition, it is rumored, will be more along the lines of the Ultimate Matrix Collection, with multiple bonus discs. Each movie will be digitally remastered from original prints, and there will be several new audio commentaries. One to look forward to is an in-character commentary done by Anthony Daniels and a technician, as they will have hours of witty banter done in the voice of C-3PO and the blips and beeps of R2-D2.
Lucas also stated that he is *considering* a possible release of the ill-fated Star Wars television special, The Star Wars Holiday Special, from 1978. "It was such a train wreck, I admit," he states. "I don't know what I was smoking when I allowed it. But like the original trilogy, it can bring in money. There are people out there who'd be willing to pay me to have their eyes bleed from the horror of it all."
Rumored specs:
Star Wars: The Ultimate Edition
Disc 1: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "Hamlet", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 2: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "King Lear", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 3: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
-Digitally remastered, enhanced for 22X9 TVs
-Audio options from the previous edition (DTS, 6.1 Dolby, other languages, commentaries, etc.)
-New Audio Commentary: Anthony Daniels and technician
-New Audio Commentary: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and Peter Mayhew
-New Audio Commentary: James Earl Jones, reading lines from "Macbeth", for those who don't want to listen to Star Wars.
-Subtitles in English, Spanish, French, German, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Klingon, and the Lucas alphabet as seen in the movies.
Disc 4: Star Wars Trilogy - Bonus Material
-Carry-over from the original DVD set
Disc 5: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 6: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 7: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi - Bonus Material
-Deleted Scenes
-More documentaries
-Concept art, stills, etc.
-Useless promotional fluff
Disc 8: Star Wars: Episode IV, V, and VI - The Edited Version
-A new edited disc containing all three movies. Edited down to 30 minutes each for the viewer on the go, this is a really useless disc but it has kickass disc art.
Disc 9: Star Wars: The Merchandising
-A 4-hour documentary detailing every single piece of merchandise with the words "Star Wars" on them.
-A 20-minute documentary detailing every single piece of bootleg merchandise with similarities to "Star Wars".
Disc 10: Star Wars: The Game Show
-A new interactive DVD of nothing but a pointless game show. Better used as a coaster.
SRP $69.99 (Though you can expect many stores to decidedly carry it for $40 or less)
Disney DVDs to go under uniform banner: The Disney Edition - January 2005
To kick off the new year, Buena Vista Home Entertainment and Disney have decided to avoid confusion with their titles by simply calling every single release the "Disney Edition". This also helps avoid confusion when a family decides to buy Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but can only find the cheap $1 knockoff. Also of interest, every release will now be a two-disc, packed to the brim with documentaries, featurettes, and most importantly: trailers and OAR. More details to come.
Hilary Duff Retires - September 2005
After being in the spotlight for many years now (Can you believe it's been only 4 years since Lizzie McGuire?), Hilary Duff has decided to call it quits on her acting and singing career, opting to spend more time on a ranch she bought in Montana.
"I really love acting and singing," the star said. "But I recently found out I have a bigger love for animals and the great outdoors, and to tell you the truth, earning millions in four years ought to be enough to last me the rest of my life. Four years was probably too much, anyway. So I'm retiring. No more acting. No more singing."
And the world heaves a collective sigh or relief.
Man in PA is Last to Switch to Widescreen - August 2009
Perhaps the last person in the world to still be purchasing Pan & Scan DVDs and watching them on a bigscreen 4:3 television, John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt has relented, and bought his first widescreen television.
"I feel like my eyes have truly been opened. Seeing the original aspect ratio without the bars...it's simply wonderful," JJJ said. "My only problem now is returning all my old DVDs for widescreen releases. No one wants Pan & Scan anymore, so no one's willing to buy them off me."
JJJ has been buying Pan & Scan discs since 1999, when DVDs were still young. "I was young too. Young and foolish. I had no idea I was losing up to half the movie." The sudden switch to widescreen perhaps was due to an unfortunate incident in his home. Three months ago, JJJ was sitting peacefully in his den, watching a Pan & Scan version of Top Gun, when a burglar broke in and demanded he give him all his DVDs. While JJJ was collecting them all, the burglar noticed they all said "Full Screen Version", got angry, yelled several expletives, and left. "I feel grateful that he didn't take anything, since he didn't want my DVDs. Of course when I heard him drive away, I should've checked my garage. But the car was returned a week later, when the burglar realized it was a Ford."
So, with a new widescreen tv in tow, and more movies to upgrade to widescreen, what has JJJ planned for the future? "I might get married now. No one would have me because I preferred Pan & Scan. They said they didn't want to marry half a man."
Escapay
