What do you think of my college application essay ?
Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:43 am
I'm applying to UF, and they asked me to write about a meaningful event in my life that would effect how I study at the university.
Here's what I wrote :
"When I was in Grade 2, our teacher brought a globe to class, the kind that would give an eerie glow if you turned off the lights. In that age, the numbers of countries that I could list were quite limited, I have heard about such faraway places like China, the United States, France, and the United Kingdom, but that’s mostly all of the countries that I could list that time. When I’m not playing out during breaks, I would glare at all the random little countries represented on it, and I would think to myself, “wouldn’t it be nice if I could go and live anywhere I wanted unconventionally”. As the years passed, it occurred to me that this dream would never come true unless I study hard and set out to a good university, so I worked hard in order to have that dream manifest.
During my High School years, I was in a school with mostly Emirati students like me, although the school’s curriculum was great and sophisticated, it lacked diversity in the nationality of the students, something that really bothered me, that led me to socialize more with my teachers, who come from various countries like the States, Namibia, Guatemala, and the United Kingdom. I had a genuine interest in conversing with them about random things like global warming, religion, and politics, in contrast to my teenage friends who always had the seemingly never ending topic of “The latest Hummer or Mercedes Benz” permanently in their conversations, which although might sound interesting to you at first, would probably bore you to death after a week or so.
It was a happy day for everyone at the Emirates Palace during our graduation, although in my case I was having mixed emotions, my best friend was going to leave our hometown to study abroad at the States, I tried to convince my parents day and night to let me study there with him, although being their only son and youngest child, my parents were very stubborn and closed-minded.
I dream about the opportunities that are just waiting for me to go and achieve them in that bright globe, and it pierced my heart every single passing day that my parents would stop me from trying to achieve that.
I never gave up, I knew what I wanted, and after I applied to UF, I did my TOEFL and registered for my second SAT, and only recently my parents finally agreed to let me go during the next fall. Without the determination and the hope, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have reached this far. If I ever get accepted to the University of Florida, I would be very grateful and study diligently, because I know that my childhood dream couldn’t be closer from becoming a reality."
What do you guys think, is it well structured, do you think it's relevant ?
I want to send them the best possible essay that I'm able to write.
Thanks a lot guys !
Here's what I wrote :
"When I was in Grade 2, our teacher brought a globe to class, the kind that would give an eerie glow if you turned off the lights. In that age, the numbers of countries that I could list were quite limited, I have heard about such faraway places like China, the United States, France, and the United Kingdom, but that’s mostly all of the countries that I could list that time. When I’m not playing out during breaks, I would glare at all the random little countries represented on it, and I would think to myself, “wouldn’t it be nice if I could go and live anywhere I wanted unconventionally”. As the years passed, it occurred to me that this dream would never come true unless I study hard and set out to a good university, so I worked hard in order to have that dream manifest.
During my High School years, I was in a school with mostly Emirati students like me, although the school’s curriculum was great and sophisticated, it lacked diversity in the nationality of the students, something that really bothered me, that led me to socialize more with my teachers, who come from various countries like the States, Namibia, Guatemala, and the United Kingdom. I had a genuine interest in conversing with them about random things like global warming, religion, and politics, in contrast to my teenage friends who always had the seemingly never ending topic of “The latest Hummer or Mercedes Benz” permanently in their conversations, which although might sound interesting to you at first, would probably bore you to death after a week or so.
It was a happy day for everyone at the Emirates Palace during our graduation, although in my case I was having mixed emotions, my best friend was going to leave our hometown to study abroad at the States, I tried to convince my parents day and night to let me study there with him, although being their only son and youngest child, my parents were very stubborn and closed-minded.
I dream about the opportunities that are just waiting for me to go and achieve them in that bright globe, and it pierced my heart every single passing day that my parents would stop me from trying to achieve that.
I never gave up, I knew what I wanted, and after I applied to UF, I did my TOEFL and registered for my second SAT, and only recently my parents finally agreed to let me go during the next fall. Without the determination and the hope, I’m sure that I wouldn’t have reached this far. If I ever get accepted to the University of Florida, I would be very grateful and study diligently, because I know that my childhood dream couldn’t be closer from becoming a reality."
What do you guys think, is it well structured, do you think it's relevant ?
I want to send them the best possible essay that I'm able to write.
Thanks a lot guys !
