I've ignored
Descendants for the most part, but that clip was vile. It looks like the horrific love-child of
Glee and some dreary fan-fic found on DeviantArt. I imagine a conversation like this was the impetus:
CHAIRMAN OF DISNEY CHANNEL: Okay, welcome everyone to the meeting on Untitled Disney Channel Franchise Project. First of all, I'd like to welcome to our newest team member, Joel, recently graduated with a master's degree from Harvard Business School.
EXECUTIVE 1: Hi, I'm Joel. I went to Harvard Business School but I really had a passion for movies and I spent every night watching at least one DVD! I'm so happy to be working here with you guys.
CHAIRMAN: So, the mantra is to use old characters in different ways.
EXECUTIVE 2: You mean like
Chip n Dale: Rescue Rangers or
Tale Spin?
CHAIRMAN: No, no, let's move away from animation. Brand extension is good, but people want something different from the animated classics.
EXECUTIVE 3: Oh, okay. How about if all the fairy-tale characters - you know, Snow White and the seven dwarfs, Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Captain Hook, the Wicked Stepmother, Rapunzel - all got banished from Fairy-tale Land and ended up in a glum, run-down New England township?
EXECUTIVE 2: Good idea, but we've done that for ABC. It's called Once Upon a Time. We've recently had great success putting in
Frozen characters, so we're planning to put even more of our most popular fairy-tale characters in - Merida, King Arthur, Shrek, the Ugly Duckling.
EXECUTIVE 1: It's a good idea, though. I love Shrek.
ALL: Yes, we all do. One of Disney's greats.
CHAIRMAN: Yes, I agree.
EXECUTIVE 3: Yeah. Hey, I know. What about making it about the kids of the Disney princes and princesses?
EXECUTIVE 4: Oh, another idea. What about have them go to high school and have to face the Disney villains' children?
EXECUTIVE 2: What, like they're the bullies?
EXECUTIVE 5: Sorry, that would be repetitive in theme in my opinion. Wouldn't Cinderella tell her son not to let people make him clean up after them?
EXECUTIVE 2: I was about to say. If I were Cinderella, I'd tell him to have courage and be kind, but not that kind.
EXECUTIVE 1: I know! Let's make the villains' children want to be accepted and find redemption. They may have to defy their parents in the process!
CHAIRMAN: I like it. That'd add an edginess to it but also a strong moral backbone. You'd please both Republicans and Democrats.
EXECUTIVE 2: But what about different cultures? There's a reason why we don't want them to see that movie with the rabbit in it...
EXECUTIVE 4: What? Roger Rabbit?
EXECUTIVE 2: No, the one with, you know, the fox, and the bear...the ones who we say were created for the log flume.
EXECUTIVE 4: Oh,
Song of the South? My grandma in Texas loves that movie!
CHAIRMAN: Okay, you're fired for mentioning the movie that must not be named.
EXECUTIVE 4: Drat.
(SECURITY PERSONNEL drag EXECUTIVE 4 from the room with force)
CHAIRMAN: And to answer the other question: colour-blind casting!
EXECUTIVE 3: I love it!
EXECUTIVE 5: We could add original songs?
CHAIRMAN: Good idea.
EXECUTIVE 1: Don't we have a library of beloved American songbook standards?
EXECUTIVE 2: We could add a remix of some of those songs too!
CHAIRMAN: Brilliant! Now let's get somebody to write it. Make sure they allow adequate product placement and scope for a possible sequel or spin-off movie. Meeting dismissed.
