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Season 5, Episode #6: "Two for the Show"
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More of a suspense "will or won't" the killer "be caught" piece than anything horrific, this "cop hunting" episode ranks high on the genius scale with excellent performances from the two leads. At first, you have your evil killer and your hero who is supposed to take-down the killer. You know who both are right away. But the second you know the hero is onto the killer, the roles immediately switch and the hero becomes frighteningly intense and the killer becomes so vulnerable and desperate- you can't help but identify with him. I hated him at first, but then... I quickly grew to feel less bothered by what he'd done up to the point he got on the train. It's impossible to not be made uncomfortable by how close the cop gets. He invades
your space too, and Vincent Spano (one of the most beautiful, sexy men on the face of the Earth!) is so stabbingly intimate. His eyes, his accusations, and his physical presence burn right through the screen and into you. You feel like he's violating you. Which makes the twist all the more effective. One you'll never be able to guess in a million years! This episode is a cut above the rest in this season and ranks among the show's very best.
Season 5, Episode #7: "House of Horrors"
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An amusing mix of the film Hell Night with Season 2's "Television Terror" and Season 3's "Mournin' Mess," but also a long series of juvenile jokes (kissing shoes with dog poop on them and various college pranks that feel like they were hatched by The Goonies), this episode is light on honest scares and heavy on sympathetic characters (especially the adorable Wil Wheaton and the seldom-seen Meredith Salenger) and fairly old-fashioned kid-friendly Halloween novelty antics ("creepy" sound effects, body parts that are probably fake, costumes with masks, fake blood, and dares to go into the haunted-house). That's about all there is to it. It's a "take it or leave it" 30-minutes that'll appeal a little more to the Goosebumps or Are You Afraid of the Dark? crowd than people looking for another "Television Terror" episode. And with Brian Krause (Charmed, Sleepwalkers) steaming up the place and Wil Wheaton crawling around in nothing but briefs... I'll take it.
Season 5, Episode #8: "Well Cooked Hams"
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Obviously the "ham" in that title refers to actor Billy Zane, who's almost always stunningly sexy and charming but plays some of the biggest jerks to ever be seen on the big or small screens. Here, he's truly a scumbag. Which gets me on the side of anyone who's against him. In this case, it's a former assistant and his former mentor (Martin Sheen, in
heavy makeup). Although revenge in this episode is particularly sweet, I'm afraid it's a painfully dull half-hour. Another period piece, which usually means: snoozefest. Why people still put more energy into making the period look believable than making the actual writing and acting interesting is beyond me. It lacks creepiness and the villain in this case is just boring. Skip it.
Season 5, Episode #9: "Creep Course"
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Here's another episode that strikes me as particularly
Goosebumps-esque. Shy, withdrawn but pretty bookworm girl with glasses kind of digs cute college football player guy who wants something from her that involves her doing something bad and a risky situation. Will they be caught? Another episode ruled by a sympathetic main character. I liked the girl, the twists are especially flattering to her, and those who do wrong get what's coming to them. It lacks finese, but it's never short on ideas. I especially enjoyed that all the characters' ends come by way of not paying attenton to other people, which is a constant theme of the episode.
Season 5, Episode #10: "Came the Dawn"
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Classic premise and elements. Mysterious and beautiful angry woman (Brooke Shields) picked up by suspicious guy with questionable motives, news of a killer circulating, they go to cabin in woods, there's greed involved, a seduction takes place, a love-triangle develops with an unseen 3rd party. Who's the killer? Where / when will they strike next? And which one of our two scummy characters will be the next victim? This one is quite fun... until the absurd and lousy twist sinks it.
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Season 2, Episode #1: "Dead Right"
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Demi Moore is one of the most ridiculously gorgeous, sensual women on the face of the planet. So, it's not exactly flattering for her to play a pointy-headed, prickly wench type. But that seems to be the objective of this incredibly cinematic starter to...well, an incredibly cinematic season of Tales. And this isn't exactly the time/place to go into it, but hot damn is this DVD set from Warner Bros. a sight to behold!! Something about fullscreen can be really sharp sometimes, compared to widescreen. The picture quality is just jaw-dropping. And it adds completely to the tension. Of which, this way darkly comedic and deeply nasty little piece has a lot. Demi Moore is truly hateful here and her repulsion is all the more disturbing when we are forced to share it. This guy she winds up getting hitched to has no personality quirks to make up for his overly make-upped appearence: bloated fat suit pieces that look pretty damn real and sickening face appliances that seriously inspire disgust. If this episode has no other virtue- it's disturbing, gross, and morally shocking. But thankfully, not all the humor is too-dark. One example - although the usually kindly and lovable Jeffrey Tambor is a genuine creep here, Natalia Nogulich (So NoTorious) as the "mysterious" fortune-teller is a total ray of sunshine. Well, not for Demi Moore, but for us- she's a pleasure in this symphony of nastiness.
Season 2, Episode #2: "The Switch"
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I wish I had more pleasent things to say about Ahhnold "
I'm a cop, you idiot!!" The-Terminator's episode. Because when you scrape off his embarrassing political escapades, I really like The-Ahhnold and his movies from this era in American filmmaking. And I was definitely surprised by his range of very effective tones in this piece and the sophisticated attitude overall. Kelly Preston from Twins (yeah, I saw that movie 6 times) puts in an appearence, and William Hickey is so damn sweet without pouring on the sugar-grandpa routine. You really do feel for him and his situation, just short of seeing yourself as him- wanting the girl so badly you'd do anything for her. Which is what you need to be able to enjoy the twist at the end. Unfortunately, the twist is so obvious you'll guess it before it's half-over. One thing you won't see coming, however, and I'm blowing the whistle on this: Hickey's best friend and confidant - who you completely believe cares about him - betraying him for money. That's just one step over the line for me. They only threw that one in to be cruel. And if this guy does anything wrong, he gets what he deserves long before this instance. But, I honestly thought he should have been able to enjoy some vitality in his old age. Nothing in a fantasy universe should be as impossibly out-of-reach as youth is to this one man. By the end, it turns out to be more than cruelty- it's just a poorly assembled twist altogether. Preston's character is too cliched and, as a performer, she doesn't deliver any deliciously dark bite for her proposed materialistic rudeness. She's nothing more than a tart who you think has a heart. That wears thin before the trademark moment where she dumps Hickey in Rick Rossovich's drop-dead-hunky bod just because his legs are skinny. Rick does need to work on lifting that butt though. It's shaped more like a pair of grapes when it should be a lot more bubblicious.
Season 2, Episode #3: "Cutting Cards"
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Here's Lance Henriksen again- munching the scenery like a cow chews grass. Only with more ferocity, of course. Take a minute's break now to fully allow that image to soak in. Lance is supposed to be like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood or some kind of rogue cowboy here, returning to Vegas after a long stay-away to prove to everyone he owns all hands who gamble on the tables of this city of hot electric neon and stuffed imposters in cheesy suits. Upon his return, the guy from Patrick (may he rest peacefully in Movie-Stud-Heaven) Swayze's similar-themed 1989 tacky action romp Roadhouse, Kevin Tighe, is not happy to see him. They have some words and realize all the casinos in the state of Nevada combined "ain't big enough for the two of" them, and there needs to be a final game of something involving a lot of blood to decide who packs up their poker duds and crawls away with their tail between their legs. I'll give you another minute to let that soak in... If the name of this game is stubborn competition, this episode earns big points for finding a way to make it compelling in spite of its' childishness. It sure as hell isn't scary. And a rousing "Russian Roulette" scene is surprisingly void of tension. But, with this bizarre relationship, there is bound to be some entertaining friction. So let's just say, whether it's fun or not- the time flies. A bit of gore is a welcomed addition here. But, the most intriguing thing about the entire episode is an interruption to their gun fight that actually suggests they more than respect each other, despite their bickering. Though I just can't help but say I'd more enjoy watching Lance as a stripping cowboy (Pumpkinhead proved he certainly has the muscle for exhibition) or romantic leading man than as a rough-edged cardplayer. He'd already done the toughguy routine more effectively in the vampire-western Near Dark, playing a more world-weary character with a greater air of authority and command.
Season 2, Episode #4: "Til Death"
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If an episode of this show starts as flat as this one does...it usually means you can just toss it in the bin. But this voodoo flip on the traditional gold-digger story is worth sticking around for. We start out in Africa, at a posh private whites-only drinks-party where the slinky host, Logan (prettyboy D.W. Moffett), is a well-to-do landowner about to expand his development deal over to a dangerous area of swampland which is uninhabitable thanks to quicksand puddles. After learning this tidbit, he thinks his party is ruined. And this is where the tension starts mounting fast and furiously. Because his life is complicated enough already, since he's having an affair with a luscious dark-skinned goddess (Fresh Prince of Bel Air's Janet Hubert) who's mad as hell at him and knows a few tricks that will throw yet another monkeywrench in his plans. Also, he's just not well-to-do enough to make his development deal work, so he woos the bratty cash-cow Margaret into the marriage bed with a sort-of love potion. Only, he put too many drops in her glass and she dies... but returns from the grave to continue pleasing her husband because that potion won't allow love to end over a silly little thing like death.
You think you know where this episode's going to go, but you have absolutely no idea! It keeps changing, again and again. No matter what your expectations are, they will be re-written. The tone is dark, tight, and tense...at first. Then it gets mysterious, which brings out an incredible style. That "call me Maggie" love-making scene is so gorgeously stylish- it took my breath away. And then, of course- Margaret the zombie. When you get to meet that character for the first time, you get an impression that she's going to be an icicle until the last frame we see her in. Well, death brings out her playful side-
and how. This actress Pamela Gien is an absolute riot as the almost Stepford-like wife in her perfect posh dresses cooking her man the perfect dinner. And this uptight frigid brat goes wild with one-liners. That's when things get fun! Sporting a huge cleaver (which she intends to use on someone)- she whines about a bullet hole in her expensive dress, comes back from blow after blow like The Terminator, and - in the funniest TftC moment ever - makes a pun after being set on fire that made me laugh so hard, I'm sure the neighbors heard me!
Season 2, Episode #5: "Three's a Crowd"
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The comedic tone of the first 4 episodes goes right out the window for this ultra-serious little gem about an ashamed husband in a bad financial situation going away with his wife for their anniversary to a little water-front cabin retreat on the dime of an old friend who would seem to have the hots for his wife. He becomes wildly paranoid that she's cheating on him and she's doing a lot to prove his suspicions are founded. She completely ignores the husband, in favor of spending all her time laughing and chatting up the friend, and secretly talks behind his back about her new life plans. It sounds like she's going to leave him. This drives him to get up to a lot of drinking and then... he snaps. This little internal horror piece is tastefully acted, stylishly directed, and beautifully calculated to the last mili-second to do The Shining, sans supernatural elements, the way it should have been done. The parallels between the two are quite remarkable. Though that one went heavier into atmosphere and is more rewarding on that level, this piece handles the internal struggle to kill your loved ones with the utmost integrity and no sense of over-the-top pandering. The quiet intensity very suddenly is cranked up to full-blast and in an eyeblink, we are thrust into the darkest reaches of human evil. This all-class outing of fear and terror will not disappoint!
Season 2, Episode #11:
"Judy, You're Not Yourself Today"
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Completely lacking any fear and tension, this slightly-dark but KNEE-SLAPPING, GUT-BUSTING, SIDE-SPLITTING weird-comedy is one of the most entertaining episodes of any television show I've witnessed in my life. And "witnessed" is the right word for it. It's strange but it's rapid-fire the whole way through. Carol Kane and Brian Kerwin deliver pure perfection in their portrayal of a stressed-out suburban couple whose life of unease hits the roof when a rude door-to-door cosmetics saleswoman with body-switching capabilities steals Judy's body and hits the bars, then splits for the airport. And just when you think the focus is on the freakiness of being in someone else's body, you realize it's just a front for what the story's really about. Gun control. Which itself is also a front, for the attitudes of the people who own them. Only here, it's cranked up to the point where the guy actually gets a rush by killing people with his gun. And it's not heavy-handed either. More like a farce, with a hilariously bittercutesy ending. And the CryptKeeper's
all-time best outro. Most people think he's a very lame character. But it's moments like this that prove his insane quality can sometimes be really entertaining. Usually when he's breathless and...insane. Which his puppet does here, not through his eyes, but through his voice and laughter. This time, it really feels like he's gone off the deep end.
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Season 6, Episode #14: "99 & 44/100% Pure Horror"
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Back to Shallow-land, for a very inventive take on the gold-digger formula. This wife doesn't want her husband's money all that much, she wants his position and power to give her a career. To use his business to force her art into the public's face. But when the public stops liking the stuff you're selling them, she realizes some truths even more bitter than she is. Nobody likes her
Laura Mars-ian graphic art or her snotty attitude, and all she's left with are her looks and a strangely devoted husband who's actually willing to forgive her cheating on him if she'll just give him a little of her fire every now and then. The concept is handled with an initial plainness and a couple embarrassing scenes of social commentary. But the thrill of watching her try to get away with a murder and an ending that can only be described as "see it to believe it!!!" result in a truly unforgettable episode that delivers on its' incredible novelty. Cristi Conaway is fabulous here- it's a shame her only mainstream exposure prior to this was as the equally ill-fated Ice Princess in Tim Burton's Batman Returns. Rodman Flender (Leprechaun 2, Idle Hands) directs this and the guy knows a few things about gore and certainly knows how to deliver unforgettable moments in the genre.
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Season 4, Episode #1: "None but the Lonely Heart"
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This just in: Tom Hanks kills himself! In this episode of Tales from the Crypt, that is. And I should probably endeavor to mention, he has himself killed but by someone else's hand(s). Since he's the director, it was his decision to knock himself off. Handsome ladykiller Treat Williams (equally irresistable in Smooth Talk) and the often horned-up Frances Sternhagen (Misery) tie the knot but he's just after her money. He has a habit of marrying old ladies and bumping them off. But someone close to him knows about his plans which leaves him desperate to wipe out anyone he thinks might be the one sending him ominous notes. This one is, naturally since it's got Tom Hanks' name on it, acted and written well. But the set-up for the twist gets us all excited and when the twist finally comes... I won't say it's a complete letdown. But- I expected more. It's a bad twist (at least for the starter episode 4 seasons into this show) with one saving grace: great camera angles. I'm honestly surprised Tom Hanks' one episode was so gory but overall, it's entertaining enough to be a highpoint for one of the show's lesser seasons.
Season 4, Episode #4: "Seance"
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It's not good to know the twist to an episode before you watch it. Unfortunately though, I was recording The Goonies on The Disney Channel one night back in... what- 1994, maybe '95, and HBO used to be channel #14 and Disney was #18. So, during the commercial breaks I would zip over to HBO and caught all the gore scenes to this episode. For some reason, I never forgot them. This episode, like "Lonely Heart," before it is very sophisticated in terms of writing and acting, but that only takes an episode so far. It also needs good scares, good tension, a really compelling story, or to be a lot of fun. This being a period piece means it moves slow- which is fine if that's what you like. But Cathy Moriarty's acting style usually works better with frantic pacing (see: Casper). Though she's absolutely elegant and impeccably well-dressed, this episode lacks any real fun, tension, or darkness. It's graphic. But that and the final pun (which is displayed right on the back of the DVD boxset) are the real excuse for this episode's existence. That's not exactly enough. John (Killer Klowns from Outer Space) Vernon's the best thing here.
Season 4, Episode #5: "Beauty Rest"
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And we arrive at my weakness: I'm always excited to see anything in the horror genre that has to do with women social climbing, back-stabbing, or any plot involving beauty, vanity, modeling, eating disorders, etc. And unfortunately, the reason they don't make many horror movies about these subjects is because the filmmakers / writers don't seem to take them very seriously. Or they don't see there's a lot of room to work with them. This episode is visually dark (hard to see at times) and sometimes very cool and stylish. But...this one has probably the worst twist in the entire show's run. I hope I didn't say that previously in any of my other mini-reviews. Because this time: I mean it. I literally pointed at the screen and "WtF?"ed at least once. It makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever. What beauty pageant in the world would ever do this? Why would crowds of people think this is rational or sensible?? You've
got to be kidding me! Even if she were
dead before she entered the pageant - and it makes no sense why the people organizing this would
kill someone just for a 2-minute stage performance - why would a beauty pageant show this to an audience and why would they not freak out at the sight of this? This leaves about a half dozen more unanswered questions. And really, the important thing to note is that it's just a copy of the 3rd season's amazing "Top Billing" with women instead of men. I don't want to sound heavy when I still kind of enjoyed the episode up 'til the last 5 minutes, but it's kind of insulting that this is the best story they could come up with involving a beauty pageant and backstage bitch antics.
Season 4, Episode #6: "What's Cookin'?"
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This episode is regarded by the general public, mainstream entertainment sources, and many fans as the show's best and most remembered episode. It's not the best, but it's definitely up there. If this season has one recurring theme, it's: confusing the hell out of me! Too much happens and leaves vital pieces of information behind (especially "Curiosity Killed" and "Beauty Rest"). Here, I think it's important to know whether Christopher Reeve's vision is to cook squid for his customers because it's unique or because he really knows how to cook squid. Trust me, it makes a difference. Without squid, there would be no progression into cannibalism in the first place. And- why would they open a restaurant if the husband and wife don't know how to cook? Anyway, this episode is about Superman (Reeve) as a depressed husband who's starting to lose his self-control, which leads his not-so-reformed street-criminal clean-up guy to finish murdering a guy Superman stabbed, which leaves a question of what to do with the body. It's no secret: they end up cooking his insides and feeding them to a sea of customers who can smell it on the streets. So, you're sitting there and watching this episode. What do you see? People eating steaks. Lots of shots of people eating steaks. That's the horror of this episode. That the tone of darkness and oppression lifts and the episode eventually celebrates the restaurant's success, while it's your job as the viewer to remember that the clientel are eating people! Eating themselves. Eating: YOU! It's a very good episode with several clever turns along the way to an obvious but very satisfying final twist. But personally- cannibalism isn't that scary. Meat is meat, no matter where it comes from. Hell: I wouldn't even have a problem eating cooked meat from a human being. So long as it tasted good. Is
that scary to anyone?
Season 4, Episode #7: "The New Arrival"
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On some level, this episode is a copy of the 2nd season's "Television Terror," only it involves radio and a phone-in child psychologist instead of a TV talk show host. David Warner (The Omen, Scream 2) plays a pompous jerk who's starting to lose it because his show is being canceled and not even this little publicity stunt will save it: he goes to the home of a frequent caller with the problem child to end all pc's, with angry producer, good-hearted assistant (Roz to his Frasier), recording devices, and a copy of his latest book in-tow. None of the twists (there are several) here are satisfying but this manages to be one of the creepiest and most tense episodes of the season- thanks no doubt to director Peter Medak (The Changeling). But there's just something about a group of outsiders in a mysterious place with secrets and imminent violent death that is an instant recipe for unsettling scenes and a freaky 'anything can happen' atmosphere. This one has more directness than its' cinematic inspiration (undoubtedly: 1976's Alice, Sweet Alice) and one highly memorable death scene. Oh, and Zelda Rubinstein (the Poltergeist series), Twiggy (Absolutely Fabulous), and Robert Patrick (The X-Files) in effective supporting roles.
Season 4, Episode #9: "King of the Road"
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I won't forget this episode very soon after seeing it. But that's not because it's memorably good or bad. It's well-paced and the acting's not bad. But on this show, that doesn't amount to much by itself. After it's half-over, boredom has set in and your mind starts working on what the twist will be. Is Brad Pitt a ghost looking for revenge? Are both racers going to die in a tragic accident? Will one of them accidentally kill the daughter? Will the daughter accidentally kill the father? Will the cops accidentally kill all 3 of them? Will something go wrong with the cars? Will Brad Pitt win the race and be set free by the father? Will the daughter shoot someone with the gun? Sorry to spoil the surprise, but - there is no twist here. None whatsoever. Just the promise of a dramatic showdown race between Brad Pitt and the father, a very undramatic race between them, and a very abrupt end to the race with a surprisingly obvious outcome. Think
real simple. This is a bad episode. Not because there is no twist. But, because the ideas suck, it lacks any and all sense of horror or danger, and the characters are completely hollow and boring.
Season 4, Episode #13: "Werewolf Concerto"
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Finally: some more fun injected into the show. This one benefits mostly from another great cast. Which includes Timothy Dalton (License to Kill), Beverly D'Angelo (National Lampoon's Vacation), Dennis Farina (Get Shorty), Charles Fleischer (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?), Reginald VelJohnson (Family Matters), and Wolfgang Puck. But also- the pace is professional, the dialogue is well-written, the mystery is fun to guess and keeps you guessing even as it's happening right in front of your face, and the setting is just ripe with intrigue and BOO!-jump possibilities. Some viewers may have expected a bit more or found the double-twist a bit lame, but I enjoyed it a lot. Save for one very stupid murder of an unimportant character that is there just to up the body count and borders on completely tasteless/tactless. May not stand up to repeat viewings, but since this is my first- I liked it.
Season 4, Episode #14: "Curiosity Killed"
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The first thing that comes to mind while watching this is a similar-themed segment exists in the 1983 movie, The Twilight Zone. Old people being very excited to find themselves young again but suddenly realizing youth is not all it's cracked up to be. This episode is not nearly as graceful or even-handed as Steven Spielberg's piece. But it does rely on not one-but two elderly black people talking all sweet and vaguely about the wonders of their magic capabilities. In Spielberg's piece, the tone is all sweet. Here, it's... well, cranky. At worst. Margot Kidder (Black Christmas, The Amityville Horror, Sisters, Superman) is driving poor Kevin McCarthy (The Howling, UHF) nuts with her constant complaining about everything and threats to sick her lawyers on him. Is he justified then in destroying her only chance to be young again? Or, did he go too far? Either way, this is a very messy lead-up to probably my favorite twist of the entire show. There's another double twist here, but the first part of it had me
clapping. This show sometimes produces very dynamic villains, and Margot Kidder always puts everything into her performances. So, just try not to watch her. Just try to feel sorry for her victims. The second part of the twist made me frown. It's too easy to end it that way. I really felt "had."
If you've seen the first one (which was great), I'd give this a go if I were you, there's no harm in it! I bought the box set with the first two movies in it and lent it to a neighbor, but they lost the second film (but of course not the box), so unfortunately I can't watch this this Halloween.
, to quote Patrick Labyorteaux from Heathers- "why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?"). After that, any other detail here is inconsequential and minor. It could have had some good gore, but it didn't. I suppose it could have been scary, but it wasn't. It definitely could have been fun. Or funny. It wasn't. Ernie Hudson gives it his all and that's a shame. No one else does. Except for the gorilla, who may or may not be real. Phil Fondacaro (Troll) makes an appearence but is covered with makeup. Which leaves the highpoint of the episode being a very short almost-sex scene (where everything on him gets real tight). It's of course only al-most because at every turn, they rob the woman of any pleasure she might have had.