Mally: Well, what do you think, Mypet? Is this caption good enough for the "write something funny for this picture of us" bandwagon?
Mypet: My name's not Mypet, it's Diablo.
Mally: Yes, but Scaps is writing for us, and he likes to call you Mypet. It's his thing.
Mypet: ...
Mally: All right, let's bring this to the royal court, hopefully they'll like it.
(Mally and Mypet disappear in a puff of smoke, and reappear in the royal court. They're immediately surrounded by guards.)
Guard 1: Halt! You're trespassing!
Mally: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch where you point that thing!
Guard 2: Who are you?!? Identify yourself so we know what name to cry out when shout "Die Insert-Your-Name-Here Die!"
Mally: I'm um...
(She notices a "Kingdom's Most Wanted" poster in the corner with a picture of her. She scowls because it's not her best side.)
Mally: I'm the Queen!
Guard 3: You can't be the Queen! You're talking...like, more than eight words!
Mally: You really think the Queen only knows eight words?
Guard 4: Yeah, she only seems to say two things. "Then you're not offended, Your Excellency"
Guard 3: And "Oh no!"
Mally: Funny, I thought she was just saying "No!" and having a sort of wordless gasp.
Guard 2: I always thought that too.
Guard 1: No, she's definitely saying "Oh no", it makes more sense.
Guard 4: I don't believe you.
(The guards then argue a bit while Mally and Mypet sneak away. They find themselves in Aurora's bedroom, where she is crying in front of her vanity.)
Mally: Oh, dear, Aurora, what's wrong?
Aurora: Everything! I just found out I'm the most boring person alive!
(Sophia Petrillo enters.)
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
(She exits. Aurora and Mally look confused, while the UDers who get the joke give a "hehe, I know the joke!" smile.)
Aurora: As I was saying...I found out I'm the most boring person alive.
Mally: Oh, come now, that's not true. Why you're a very enchanting and exciting person!
Aurora: No, I'm not.
Mally: Yes you are! Why, you've got a wonderful singing voice. And you've got a keen fashion sense. I doubt there are many people who can pull off both the "Barefoot Peasant" and the "Color Changing Princess"! And sing about it too!
(Aurora begins to perk up.)
Aurora: You know, you're right. I am interesting. I'm beautiful! I'm talented! I'm...I'm...(yawns)...tired.
Mally: Come now, I'll tuck you in.
Aurora: But I can't sleep now! I'm going to meet Phillip at the cottage in the glen! It's important! It's our...(yawns)
Mally: (concerned) What? What is it?
Aurora: ...secret sex place...(yawns)
Mally: Secret. Sex place.
Aurora: We like to play dress-up there. You know, the hunter finding the peasant girl?
(Mally rolls her eyes.)
Aurora: And I'm supposed to be the hunter tonight.
Mally: Dear lord.
(Mally walks Aurora over to the bed.)
Mally: You better not go over tonight. In your condition he's liable to rape you in your sleep like in the original story. I'll go to the cottage and tell Phillip he's not getting any tonight.
(She tucks Aurora in.)
Aurora: Thank you. You take such good care of me.
(Mally chuckles.)
Mally: I nearly killed you, hon.
Aurora: You nearly killed me because you care! If you didn't curse me, I never would have met Phillip the way I did! Why, I might have grown up with him and grown to hate him! But having me isolated like that and meeting him when he's a hot young thang...thank you so much!
Mally: O..kay.
Aurora: Will you read me a story so I can go to sleep?
(Mally looks at her "write something funny for this picture of us" submission.)
Mally: Um, sure! Now then, this story is called "The Band Wagon", and it's about how people join up in something because others do.
Aurora: (tired) Uh-huh...
Mally: Once upon a time, there lived a ...
(Aurora begins snoring.)
Mally: Wow, that didn't take long. Come now, Mypet. We have to meet Phillip in the cottage.
(She disappears in another puff of smoke and reappears in the cottage. Phillip arrives.)
Phillip: Aurora? Are you here? I'm ready! Let the huntress find the poor peasant boy and teach him a lesson!
Mally: I'm afraid Aurora is sleeping right now, Phillip.
Phillip: What? Oh...
(He looks first embarrassed, then disappointed.)
Mally: Don't worry, I know the perfect way to satisfy your libido without having to remove a piece of clothing!
(Cut to the two of them having tea.)
Phillip: This is supposed to satisfy my libido? Tea?
Maleficent: Never underestimate the orgasmic properties of tea.
Phillip: But it's...tea.
Maleficent: And it's an excuse to use this picture again. Really, Scaps, you couldn't come up with anything interesting for this?
Scaps: Hey, it's hard enough to do a continuing story with all the pictures as it is! So do something funny with this!
Maleficent: Well, you already had a nice conversation for us in your earlier post.
Scaps: That's old. Say something new.
Phillip: Um...okay. Roses are red, violets are blue, your story sucks.
Scaps: Right, just for that, I'm changing the story.
(Cuts to the throne room.)
Phillip: Where are we?
Scaps: This is the first day that you and Aurora are king and queen. You haven't slept together yet. So she hasn't seen you naked yet. So If I were to say something like...(whispers in Aurora's ear, she bursts out laughing.)...she'd do that.
Phillip: What did you tell her?!?
Scaps: That your equipment is...pre-shrunk.
(Aurora bursts out laughing again.)
Phillip: What? No! I'm just as big as the other boys! Ask any of the guys I went to summer camp with! Ask Swp! He's seen it more than anyone. He said it was the biggest he ever had - I mean saw!
(Aurora can't stop laughing.)
Phillip: Honestly, honey, it's THIS BIG! And it's only known a woman's touch!
(Aurora laughs louder than ever. Scaps smiles evilly from his computer.)
Scaps: Never say my story sucks, Phillip! I can do more than that! I could give you a really weird fetish. I could make you lose your confidence! I could introduce you to the Melty Man so that even if it is as big as a log it will deflate!
(Aurora's laughter is uncontrollable and she's rolling around on the floor.)
Aurora: The Melty Man!
Phillip: He killed my erection!
Scaps: He IS your erection!
Phillip: Noooooo!!
(Scaps laughs, then realizes that the next picture won't go well with this story.)
Scaps: Okay, I'll be kind. No more laughing Aurora. Here, I'll let you and Aurora have a roll in the hay, just to be nice.
(Cut to Aurora and Phillip, disheveled in bed.)
Aurora: (dreamily) Wow. Just...wow. And that we did it all with our clothes on...
(Silently, to the screen, Phillip mouths "Thank you!" to Scaps)
Phillip: So you like? It's the best you ever head?
(She gives him an affectionate kiss.)
Aurora: You were, without a doubt...the best I ever had.
(Phillip beams.)
Phillip: Thanks! I'm going to take a shower...or bath...or jump in a lake...well, whatever we do in the 14th century.
(He leaves and Aurora looks over at Scaps.)
Aurora: Think he bought it?
Scaps: He's a guy, when it comes to sex, he'll believe whatever he wants to believe.
(Aurora laughs. We then cut to the final picture.)
Mally: What a beautiful night to carry an umbrella for no reason. And to think, it all started with a caption for the "write something funny for this picture of us"!
(She takes her submission, rips it up into several pieces, and throws it in the wind.)
The End
albert
I have a question-what happens in this picture?:
That's really good! And it inspired me...
