PixarFan2006, the seizures sound really scary.
I agree with Disney Geek, hang in there
Definitely good luck with the job hunt!!! It can be stressful, but the economy has been getting better!
Yay on getting a job, Nathan! That's awesome! I'm sure you'll learn more about cars as you work there. They probably hired you because you seem friendly and like a hard worker!
Disney Duster wrote:Amd what exactly is this game? If her decision was really based on if you had enough pros, I don't know if I'd call that love. If she decided to have you after she thought there were enough pros, I'd say it didn't really have anything to do with the pros at all, I'd say love itself made her decide. And if too many cons got in the way, well that's not very strong love and I doubt if there was really any love at all. If someone's playing pros and cons I don't know if they really like you enough. What do you think? Or Amy?
Okay, the pros and cons game. You like someone, but there are things that don't feel right or don't seem right. Sometimes there might be something about the person that isn't ideal. Maybe the person does something or said something or thinks a certain way that rubs you ever so slightly the wrong way. So you play the pros and cons game in your mind.
"I like him, but he said this, and I think that that's mean. But I always have so much fun with him and he opens the door for me. But he smokes. But he has good hygiene otherwise. He acts immature with his friends, but he treats me like a princess." Like that. So, obviously this girl likes things about Nathan, but maybe some things (like his living situation or lack of a job) were the cons in her mind.
Disney Duster wrote:Well Amy not to take you away from your important work, but I would love to hear just what's happened to you since you left, you know? Any stories at all.
Um, well, in November 2010, I moved out of the house I shared with Bobby, and our divorce was finalized in Feburary 2011. We're still friends, but we just grew apart, and I've since found out some things he did that kind of affirmed my decision, and also some of his life choices (he got really religious) just didn't jibe with mine anymore. I was working a job that I didn't like, and the management disrespected me, and I was looking for a better job...a customer and I were talking one day last spring, and long story short, his brother works at an organization in North Carolina that is up my alley, and I was trying to get a job there, but no luck. I was really unhappy at my job, and I was trying to get a better job, and I started looking in the North Carolina area. But no luck.
A guy I had been dating at that time (we'll call him S) got accepted at a school in North Carolina, and it was about 2 days later that the customer and I spoke, so it was coincidental. S moved in May last year, and he stayed with me when he came the next month to help his brother move.
I had never really made goals for myself, and I started doing that last year, even before I met S. One of my goals, which wasn't set in stone and I was thinking that it'd be far in the future, was to get my Master's degree.
Well, I was trying to get a job, and when that wasn't happening in that economy, I figured I would go back to school. And I had been looking for jobs in North Carolina already, because they have some good non-profit organizations (when I graduated from college in 2008, I couldn't find a job and did a
lot of volunteer work and loved it, and then got a job at a non-profit organization), and because S had moved there, and the year before a couple friends had moved there, too.
I decided in June to go back to school, which was too late to apply to some schools for the fall semester, but the school I'm going to now had a July deadline. I had taken the GRE test (to get into grad school) and applied to this school and got in. In July I went to the Carolinas to settle school and housing stuff, and I stayed with S for a few days. I moved in August from Florida; I stayed with S for a couple weeks while my place was being readied; I had a week's worth of vacation from my job, and I left early...my place was supposed to be ready August 6th, and I moved on August 1st and stayed with S, but my place ended up not being ready until August 13th.
Everything was great at first. The night I got there was one of the best nights of my life- I was so happy. He and I were just watching TV like we used to, and cuddling. It was perfect. I just was so happy. It felt so right. But he had been going through some stuff, was just having a hard time, was depressed, drinking... Things had been going well, and then he started going out without me, drinking. I mean, he wasn't happy with things, with how he was acting. I was there to support him, but there was tension.
I moved into my place on August 13th, and not long after, he told me that he needed a break. Now, I've never been one to do breaks. I do break-ups. And breakups are usually nothing to me. I move on quickly. I bounce back. With him, it hurt. I mean, it's not like I had moved here just to be with him, but I wasn't expecting a breakup, you know? I had broken up with him once before, because he had told me before he moved to North Carolina, when he told me that he had been accepted to that school, that he doesn't do long-distance relationships. I had been really falling hard for him, and I didn't want to get hurt, so I had broken up with him. I immediately starting dating someone else, which wasn't nice of me at all, for either guy. But I did. I was expecting not to talk with S after that, but he continued contact with me, which was great, and I ended up cheating on the new guy with S. Now, I had never cheated on anyone before, but it was with S, so it was okay. I mean, it wasn't nice, no, but I was so happy with him. And things had been great with us and then he moved. It was a lot easier than I was expecting. And we talked pretty much every day on the phone. And then what I typed up above happened.
In hindsight, I should have been more patient and respectful of his situation. I didn't want to have it be all about me and ask how long the break would be or anything. I mean, I took it personally; looking back, I shouldn't have. He was having a rough time.
I mean, I knew I loved him. We never said it (well, there was this one time that he said it, but I knew he wasn't ready and I brought it up to him), but I loved him so much.
I get bored easily. I'm never single for long. Here I am, a girl in a new city, and I got on online dating and my goal wasn't to get a boyfriend, but just to meet people to hang out with, to get out of the house. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I had some first dates with guys, nothing awesome. I started dating this one guy, R, and I liked him, but I didn't like him enough. Do you know that feeling? He was fun to be with, a nice guy, there was some chemistry there, his dog is great. But I didn't like him enough.
Now, let me bring up the fact that there were still some nights that I would cry over S. I mean, as I said, I loved him. I had never quite felt that way about someone. And I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. And R wasn't a boyfriend. We didn't have a label.
There were definitely times when I'd be with R that I was wishing that I was with S. Too many.
Very early on with R, though, we had plans to do homework together. I had a paper I was working on, and I was at the school library. It was a Saturday. It was 2pm, and I hadn't heard from R yet. I texted him- turns out he went to the beach with some friends. a) Our school library closes early on Saturdays, and my roommate and I hadn't yet gotten the Internet installed at home. b) Great, this guy bailed on me. Yay, alcohol...it wasn't so much bailing on me as he got drunk and his friends kidnapped him, haha.
I was desperate to do this paper, and I needed the Internet. I called S. We weren't talking as often. He knew about R. I ended up at S's house to do homework. He even went out (with people this time) while I was there. I had told him that I probably wouldn't be sleeping over. But he came back from drinking, when I was watching TV. We got to talking, and we had a very honest conversation (again, yay alcohol). And needless to say, I texted R the next day to say that I couldn't see him anymore. He said that it was sudden, and I said that he just needed to trust me.
With the first guy I cheated on with S, I told him. Granted, I had been with him a week, so it wasn't a huge deal, and with R, I didn't tell him the reasoning behind me not being able to see him anymore.
S and I didn't continue a romantic relationship (I mean, we still are friends to this day). With R, there were times that I felt bad and missed him. I'm a very honest person...most guys who I have dated have received long emails or texts or letters from me, and I had written R something on Facebook, but apparently he never got it. I think it was to the effect that I was confused and maybe that I still thought of him and that I wasn't expecting to hear from him.
But a few weeks later, I did hear from him. Apparently he had never received my Facebook message. And he and I hung out more. But it just never felt right. It was never like, this is the guy I want to be with more than anyone.
And we started hanging out again, and then didn't for a while, not due to anything, he was busy, and I had school, too. And then it had been a while.
When he and I had gotten back together, though, S had said, "I'm happy for you" or something, and I called him out on it, asking him "Really?", and he said, "What else am I supposed to say?"
S is a pretty private person, not very open with his feelings usually. But with him saying that, obviously he didn't want me seeing other guys.
R and I got back in touch yet again after not for a while, but this time he had just come back from a vacation and wanted to hang out. I felt like it was booty-callish, and I called him out on it. He had said that he missed me, and I said "Really?", and he said, "Why is it so hard to believe?"
Now, it wasn't serious between us, but he had even said when we initially started hanging out that if he's "talking with a girl", then that's the only girl he's talking with. So I mean, he probably wasn't seeing other people, I assume, and maybe he liked me more than I thought he did. But I didn't see him that night.
Now my time frame is getting muddied. I had started seeing this other guy, D, and again, nothing serious, and I didn't like him enough, but I liked spending time with him. And I remember that he and I went to Waffle House one night because I needed to talk with him about R. And that must have been the night of when R sent me that text. And I was asking D for advice on what to do, because I didn't want to hurt R, but I felt like his intentions may not have been 100% what I wanted them to be with his texting me. And D, of course he was biased because we were dating...we weren't in a relationship, but we were dating. And basically, I explained myself to R, saying how I felt about us, and that was that. D and I hung out for about a month, but he and I just stopped communicating. I think it was a mutual thing, "Oh, I'll wait for him to text me next", and he was thinking, "Oh, I'll wait for her to text me next." But that didn't happen. Although a while later I did get a text from our area code and it just said "Hi" or "Hey" or something, but I had already erased his number out of my phone, and I didn't text back to ask who it was.
Because...
I had started seeing someone else, R2. Now, R2 (not D2, haha) and I hit it off from the beginning. Great, great guy. We started dating in November, and we're still going strong. We don't get to see each other all the time because of distance and work and school, but it's going well.
In November, right after R2 and I started dating, a good friend from my hometown, who I hadn't seen in 7 years, came for a visit. Prior to meeting R2, I won't lie, I was thinking, I wonder if anything will happen with J. We never dated as teenagers, were just good friends, but it was always a what-if. But I was with R2 and things were just fun with J. But he had said that he wished that I was single. He was not dating anyone and was lonely (but he just recently met a girl who he's head over heels for, so all is well!). And in December, S and I hung out. We hadn't seen each other since that night that I went over to use his Internet. But we stayed in occasional touch. We had dinner and a movie, and it was really nice. I feel comfortable with him and it wasn't like I wanted to jump his bones, haha. Because in all, I'm not a cheater, and obviously I didn't like those 2 guys in the past enough. I felt comfortable enough hanging out with him. Good times. He and I will text each other occasionally, but not too often...sometimes we'll talk on Facebook.
Changing the topic a bit...
Back in July, I called my parents, and we were talking about me moving and going back to school. They didn't want me to move, they didn't want me to go back to school. I have a strained relationship with them anyway, and that didn't help. My mom had even said that I should have stayed married for financial reasons. I cried so hard after that conversation, and didn't call them again until probably Thanksgiving. Nothing I do is ever good enough.
My dad did my taxes for me, and I called my parents maybe 3 weeks ago now to ask a question about them. And my mom still was like, "I wish you were in Florida [they were supposed to move to Alabama for retirement, but ended up in Florida...I had already decided to move to the Carolinas before they announced that switch, and they moved not too soon before I moved]. And she's said that I should have left my dog with Bobby (but he has no legal ownership of my dog). And stuff like that.
Well, I'm almost 27, and I had had enough of being treated like that with them. I'm an adult, I'm self-supportive, and I'm doing well in school. I emailed my parents, just venting about how I felt when they say things like that. And while I was at it, I emailed Bobby; he and I have remained friends, and he had told me things in October that I didn't know, and I didn't tell him before how it made me feel, but I did in the email.
And while I was at it, I emailed S (the one who I dated in Florida who moved to North Carolina). And instead of looking for an apology, I apologized to him. For being insensitive when he was going through stuff and needed the break. (He had asked recently how things were going with R2, and he said "Great!"...at first I was thinking that that was mature of him....until I remembered that he acted similarly when R(1) and I got back together, and he didn't mean it.) And I also talked about that, saying that he shouldn't say things to me that he thinks I want to hear, basically...
And it felt good. I'm leaving that as closure with him unless he contacts me. A few weeks ago I texted S asking if he still has his van, in case I move (chances are I'm moving, in the same town probably, in August), and he said yes. He still calls me "baby"...which is sweet but also weird. I don't know how he feels. I think it was in October that I stopped crying myself to sleep over him. It wasn't like I did that every night, but it was really hard to get over him. And I'm happy with R2, but of course, I'm a very what-if person. I would never want to hurt R2, though, and I wouldn't want to hurt S (who is doing well now, which is great).
Speaking of S, when we hung out last, in December, he had been sort of dating his roommate's cousin, who lives in another part of the country. He had been complaining about her, how she didn't like the fact that he and I were hanging out, and just other things. How she yelled at him. He said that I was the only girl he had dated who was basically nice to him, not expecting anything, not criticizing me. Score one for Amy, right?
Which of course made me feel good. He's a good guy and he deserves to be respected.
I don't believe in soulmates. I don't think. R2 is wonderful, he really is a great guy. Even within the first month, marriage was brought up. Now, I know what you're thinking. "Geesh, Amy, you have only been legally divorced for a year!". But I have a good head on my shoulders. I date a lot and whatnot, but I'm not looking to get married yet! And at Christmastime...
Oh, Christmastime.
I was so depressed at Christmastime. R2 and I had plans to spend it together with his family. But a few days before, I just...lost it. I was so depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I made R2 cry- he was worried that I was breaking up with him. I wasn't sure. I was so in despair. S had said that I could spend Christmas with him, that it would be "like old times", but I wasn't sure I wanted to be with anyone. Then he said after I had said that I probably won't take him up on the offer that he and his brother got an invitation somewhere. Which was good. And I spent Christmas alone.
On Thanksgiving 2010, Bobby's mom had sent me a Facebook message. It was too soon, and I never wrote her back. It wasn't anything mean whatsoever or anything. Last year for Christmas, she wrote me another Facebook message, and I did reply to that one. It was nice to hear from her. When you get divorced, you also divorce the family. I just lost it, though, when I saw that she had messaged me. Bawled. my. eyes. out. Just lost it.
There have been times when I've wondered if Bobby and I could have made it work. I do miss the dogs, sometimes even to the point of tears. But I now know, as of literally yesterday, that we have just grown as individuals too much and have some different values, and it never would have worked, so it was good to have ended it when we did, especially before any children were involved.
And there are times when I wonder about S and myself, if I had given him space and not have gone out with the other guys.
I think that everything happens for a reason, though. Sometimes I'm fine talking about the future with R2, but other times, I get scared, or just don't want to commit to something like that. If I'm stressing about school, I just want to think about the present. I'm honest about it, and he respects that.
I mean, I've told R2 that I'm committed to him (which is huge for me to say to someone). I wouldn't want to hurt him.
I'm thrilled that S is doing better, and sometimes I do wonder what-if, but that's life. I mean, it would take hurting R2 to find out, and I don't want to do that. And I wouldn't want to hurt S. Even though he's probably hurt that I've been seeing other guys. And I wouldn't want to hurt him, but I apologized for those decisions. And it feels good to have gotten that off my chest (and getting things off my chest to my parents and Bobby felt good, too).
I'm stressed with school and things now. I have 2 papers, one of which I've been steadily working on, that are due on Monday. I don't have time to do my internship much this week, and I probably won't go in tomorrow, so I can work on my papers. And I need to get an internship that will start in August, and the organization I called the other day (an adoption agency) already has an intern for then.
All in all, I'm in a good place. I wonder about if things were different sometimes, but I think that life is too short and you just need to be happy and...
You can't have everything in life. As long as you're happy, that's what matters. You can "what-if" all day long, but that won't change anything. Like my mom. "You should have stayed in Florida!"...well, is she expecting me to be like, "You're right!" and hop on a plane? I mean, you need to accept things sometimes.
I'm with R2, and he treats me well. Of course I wonder what-if, but even if I do stay with R2 (and am happy), and wonder about S, that's normal. As long as I'm not running back to S when R2 has done nothing bad to me, you know, then it's fine. He knows about S (he doesn't like how J, my childhood friend, or S "hit on me" as R2 says, but he trusts me), and yeah. Time does heal, though.
That's my novel. You asked,
Disney Duster, haha, and you received.
Yeah, as frustrating as it is, I'm definitely taking the high road and won't stoop to her level. 
